estranged dd and cancer

[herewegoagainpleaseno]

advice needed.
I have cancer, it has spread, despite major surgery and chemo.

my dh has been amazing , loving and caring, totally supportive throughout.

my dd (over 50) has always had dramas and crisis through her adult life, invariably bringing us into the many problems.

too many to go into here.

dh has always, throughout our 30 year marriage "forgiven" her the mental/ physical and financial abuse, but this time he has had enough.

last year once the last tests scans etc came in, after major surgery, and was told it had spread, dd came with her "partner" who abused intimidated and threatened us, almost as though they wanted to control us as we were so weak and vulnerable
.it was an awful time, leading to them storming out of our home with no word or looking back or apology.

I need closure before it is too late, and will be seeing dd today for the first time since that day.
her "partner" has gone.
dd is alone again, she has always had abusive relationships despite advice and support over the years.
I need closure,but today dh and I have had a massive argument, he says I am disloyal to him as he bore the brunt of the last abuse, threats to "beat him up" etc.
he is a gently soul and wouldn't harm a fly, that was why they caused such distress as they saw him as "weak" but he is far from that.

anyway.
in a couple of hours I am due to meet dd.

I am in the middle.
do I cancel and stand up for dh, which I want to do.
or do I see dd which is what I want to do.

One might do it physically, for protection, but I don't know how you do it in your heart.

I'm sorry you've been through it on this still. There is no hell like it

Springydaff. It is hard. I prefer to assume that DCs are as they were before chosing their ways. I hide a lot of emotion. Days go by without me being able to go out in case I cry in public. I had my confidence destroyed by bullying another reason I do not go out. I am convinced I am awful and ugly and generally everyone hates me. Or so I was told. This is not my choice. I had to say enough is enough. I just hide most of the time only seeing medics when necessary. I use self check outs to avoid shop staff. It is the only way I can cope. It is definitely not an easy choice to make. When it is my life or death there is no choice I just have to do it

I spoke to dd1 yesterday, she sounded so happy as we spoke.
but...this is the issue. this has happened repeatedly for decades now.
we are happy together until she meets a new partner, then it all begins again.
not only choosing a narcissistic abuser, but worse still in my mind, is that she "takes on the persona " of that person.
the "trauma bonding" is a simple script.
loving daughter, sister, niece etc, then spiteful and unpleasant to be around.
"borrowing" money with promises to pay it back, but it never happens .and we are talking about massive amounts in the thousands.

underneath it all she is a family loving human being, but through the years she has behaved in such a nasty cruel way to each family member.
but when she is without a "partner", she cries, promising it will never happen again...but history tells us differently.

yes, we should have had higher personal boundaries over the years, which are in place now, but moving forward after so much pain is so hard.

we are no longer estranged which makes me feel calmer, but I still have the need in order to resolve this inner conflict, for my dh and dd1 to resolve the past.
dd1 is utterly remorseful over the horrendous hospital events and the abuse my dh suffered at their hands.

but how can dh resolve it with dd1, as he has constantly "forgiven" her in the past only for her to repeat the similar issues further down the line.

I don't know how long I have to live, but one thing for sure is that the stress of this is causing me such emotional pain, that I feel like disappearing completely.
of course I wont because despite everything I am strong emotionally, but wish that this conflict would end....tofuckingday.

OP, you might not be able to solve the issues between your daughter and husband yourself. Maybe there's another way this will be resolved.

There has been some progress made at least.

I am so sorry for everything you are going through OP.
You know it's hard to admit, but we don't always have to love, or even like the people we are related to. I have had some really happy times with friends, and the worst of times with family. Tell your daughter how your life is going to be from now on, and if she wants to be a part of it, she has got to change.