estranged dd and cancer

[herewegoagainpleaseno]

advice needed.
I have cancer, it has spread, despite major surgery and chemo.

my dh has been amazing , loving and caring, totally supportive throughout.

my dd (over 50) has always had dramas and crisis through her adult life, invariably bringing us into the many problems.

too many to go into here.

dh has always, throughout our 30 year marriage "forgiven" her the mental/ physical and financial abuse, but this time he has had enough.

last year once the last tests scans etc came in, after major surgery, and was told it had spread, dd came with her "partner" who abused intimidated and threatened us, almost as though they wanted to control us as we were so weak and vulnerable
.it was an awful time, leading to them storming out of our home with no word or looking back or apology.

I need closure before it is too late, and will be seeing dd today for the first time since that day.
her "partner" has gone.
dd is alone again, she has always had abusive relationships despite advice and support over the years.
I need closure,but today dh and I have had a massive argument, he says I am disloyal to him as he bore the brunt of the last abuse, threats to "beat him up" etc.
he is a gently soul and wouldn't harm a fly, that was why they caused such distress as they saw him as "weak" but he is far from that.

anyway.
in a couple of hours I am due to meet dd.

I am in the middle.
do I cancel and stand up for dh, which I want to do.
or do I see dd which is what I want to do.

I think I recall a p previous thread it sounds familiar. Your DDs partner also caused problems with your DS.

The partner was using her for money and I think they lived abroad.

I remember your Dsis was ill.... sorry for your loss. Ypur DD brings nothing but stress to your life.

I wouldn't bother..
Except a goodbye email.

Just seen your update. I hope your DH can accept you seeing her and leave it be.

My only concern here is that you are wanting to find peace by being at peace with her but what if she ends up causing problems again and in turn causing problems with your dh? Your dh has been there for you through everything and you need to prioritize your relationship with the person that values you rather than the person that doesn’t. I understand you feel like you need to do this and you did see your dd but I would just be very careful.

I’d cancel for sick reasons and focus on your DH to be honest op

The maternal ties are strong but in practical terms you need your loyal DH inside

I am sorry . Hard times my dear

Write to her and state bluntly the state of affairs and your desire for a peaceful meeting

You might not get what you want as people don’t change

I haven't read any other threads, but it sounds like your DH was on the receiving end of a lot of abuse from and through your DD.

If you want to re-establish a relationship with your DD, then I think you should (carefully). But remember that you are asking your DH to cope with the fact that you are re-introducing his abuser into your lives.

I’m sure your husband will come round. He may be sad right now but he’ll come to realise you needed to make your peace. You sound lovely and I’m sorry about your diagnosis. I really think you did the right thing.

pissedonatrain nasty!

If I remember correctly OP, she's had more than one partner who's abused you, I expect another will arrive one day. I hope there's peace for you before that happens, your DH wants what's best for you, he's worried for good reason.

I haven’t read previous threads but get the impression a lot of your dds issues stem from being in abusive relationships with abusive men? Would she consider doing some sort of Women’s .aid course? I think I’ve read about the Freedom Programme on here which gives women the tools to recognise such relationships.

Is your DH a parent? I can't help thinking he can't be if he's making you choose him over your child.

But then, almost all the responses on here are saying "don't give her another chance" - I assume most of the respondents are parents? I just don't get it. Have you respondents had troubled adult children who made your life hell?

Imo you never give up on your kids - bcs you can't. How can you? I just don't see how you can. Even when they make your life a boiling hell.

I'm so sorry your health is so fraught op. It wasn't fair of your H to make you choose - this isn't about him. You don't know what the future holds but he needs to understand you can't give up on your own child. Period. And yes, in that sense, your children come first and that's a cross he has to bear - not a cross he puts on you (especially at this time).

It's not about loyalty or disloyalty, it's about unconditional love. That doesn't mean unconditional love is stupid and blindly accepts abuse ad infinitum. No. But unconditional love always hopes and always forgives. She is saying the right things, how can you not respond? You can't not.

No-one needs to tell you to be wary - of course you will. You know she fundamentally won't change and you have to protect you and yours accordingly. But ultimately you can't protect yourself from your own child. Not emotionally anyway. That's an avenue that will be forever open.

thank you.
a bright new day.
dh understands why I needed to attempt to find peace with my dd.

we are back to peace and calm in our little safe bubble again.

dd2 has a happy life.
ds has a happy life.
hopefully with the support of her siblings and us, dd1 will come through this part of her life, and find closure in her life.
the trauma bonding she has gone through for so long, hopefully, seeing her siblings content and calm will assist her to recover and move forward.

dd2 is planning a get together in august for my birthday.

mum, she says, we are all adults now, and must behave like adults.
a very calm and positive day.
maybe a family reunited at last??

I do hope so (with all my heart)

Is your DH a parent? I can't help thinking he can't be if he's making you choose him over your child. That's exactly what just popped into my mind too. I was reading back through. I don't think he's her dad.

a very calm and positive day. That's good.

almost all the responses on here are saying "don't give her another chance" - I assume most of the respondents are parents? I just don't get it. Have you respondents had troubled adult children who made your life hell?

No. But we HAVE read the OP's previous history. We remember just how much pain, abuse and grief the OP's DD caused them. When a family member causes this much suffering, sometimes you have to sever ties to protect yourself. Her DH has suffered too, and there is much more waiting in his future. All that rage & hate is waiting to be turned on him, very soon.

I remember you, OP. I'm sorry that it comes to this.
You must make yourself & your DH your priority now.

Well said springydaff

I was also on your other threads and your daughter is definitely out for what she can get. If it were me I wouldn't go, it all sounds far too stressful

I think it’s good you went to see her, regardless of what the outcome could have been. If you felt you needed closure then that’s what was needed. I understand your husbands point of view too but he has to put those feelings aside for now. I see in the update he is ok with you now. I’d probably do the same as you have if it was a child of mine.

Springydaff - you have said that parents should never give up on children. I wonder how old your children are? The DD in OP's case is over 50 years of age. All the stresses could have been going on for over 40 years. How much do you think a parent should take? MN is famous for saying LTB which depending on the reasons is fine by me. I have LTB myself and I expect that my reasons would be totally acceptable on MN. On the other hand what if a DC has done the same or even more than an exh should you tolerate all sorts and never ever LTB (or Leave The Bad Child)
It may be that a lot of DC are banking on the fact that it is just not acceptable for a mum/parent to say I have had enough from my child and I am DONE.
We are mums/parents not mugs to be abused by our own. It really does happen.

dd2 told her to stop crying and act like an adult

Just a thought, but could it be that throughout her life she has felt that she's been reprimanded for showing her emotions, or not towing the line?

It would obviously be an emotional time for her, and clearly she's had a rough time of it too. There seems to be huge issues in her life, secure people do not repeatedly get into very abusive relationships.

Perhaps she needs comfort and not dismissal?

I'm glad it went well. I don't feel that you should have to justify you wanting a relationship with your daughter to your husband. I agree with an above poster, I don't think you should ever give upon your own children.

I thought that sounded off too bethy15, one sister telling the other to stop crying, would have thought the automatic reaction was to give her a hug.

Vitalogy I agree, also stuck out for me and it doesn’t sit right as a response.

you have said that parents should never give up on children

No, I haven't said that. What I have said is that parents CAN never give up on their children. I certainly don't know how it's done - show me how it's done. How do you do it? I don't know how.

It's all very well saying LTB(C) but the reality is quite different. Your (ex) husband and your child just aren't in the same league. I cannot give up on my dc whereas I can give up on a husband.

So, no tidy solution. No banishing an abusive child out of your, or my, life and peace reigns: whatever you do there is no peace.

How many instances of cruelty, violence and abuse would you accept before you realise that DCs could be worse than exh. I am heart broken for them. They are not going to come out of the situation well. Kids in care older folks visited by SW on protection visits. Hospital reporting violence. It is hellish. My health is rotten but if I am going to stay alive I have to protect my safety. It was indeed a whole easier to decide to leave exh.
I am not on this planet to be abused by anyone. I will not tolerate from anyone.

Still, I don't think you are understanding what I am saying.

It's not about should or ought. Of COURSE some abusive adult children should and ought to be cut off.

What I am saying is: how does a mother do it?