Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

People who have been married/together a long time: what do you think of this article by Libby Purves?

64 replies

Kathyis6incheshigh · 29/05/2007 14:33

Would be interested to know what people think about Libby Purves' column this week.

She is basically saying that the recipe for a happy marriage is simply being nice to each other.

Now, my dh and I think the same, but we have only been together a couple of years now so what do we know?

Interested to know if people with longer-standing relationships would also say this is the bottom line of good relationships, or if it is a bit simplistic?

OP posts:
TootyFrooty · 29/05/2007 14:38

I think it's the way to behave throughout life to all people. I don't get this constant nastiness (and I'm not just talking about MN) that permeates life.

It's respec', innit.

DUSTIN · 29/05/2007 14:42

I agree Tootyfrooty. People are so nasty to each other. Bitchiness and back biting- especially in the work place.

redfairymagic · 29/05/2007 14:43

I think it hits the nail on the head, have been married for 13 years and together for 18.

We argue but then we make up, and generally we are nice to each other cos he is my best friend

PetronellaPinkPants · 29/05/2007 14:44

no sh*t sherlock!

hunkermunker · 29/05/2007 14:47

Yep, I'd say that's the key.

Don't always adhere to it (get a bit snappy when tired and can be sarky - surely not!), but it's MUCH easier if we're nice to each other and I do kinda like him.

Been together eleventy-three years (well, 15, and married for 5.5 of those).

AnnieAlcoholLeft · 29/05/2007 14:49

I like the way she says 'tell Him Indoors that his hair looks nice'...
does she mean his chest hair or his bum fluff? Cos there's none on his head

TheArmadillo · 29/05/2007 14:49

I think that article was good.

Yes it won't always work where there are other issues in a relationship, so in that sense I think it can be a bit simplistic.

Reading an article on the surrendered wives programme (which I missed) one thing that struck me was hte woman they were talking about was horrible to her husband beforehand. I don't agree with 'surrendering' as I think any partnership should be a relationship. BUt it did stike me that her relationship could have been a lot better if she had just treated her husband like an equal partner.

Equality and friendship are the most important things in a relationship imo and I think just sometimes respecting the person you are with (ime) can be the key to a long lasting relationship.

Sometimes there are other issues that complicate things though so its not always the answer to everyhting.

MaPickle · 29/05/2007 14:50

DH and I have been together 10 years. If we weren't nice to each other, or apologised if we were out of line (its often easier to snap at or be mean to you partner than other people) we'd never have gotten this far!

Who wouldn't want to have their partner be nice to them and to be nice back? I suppose its not as rip roaringly exciting as blazing rows, empassioned crockery smashing, door slamming and make up sex but you know, there's only so many dining sets and door jams you can replace ...

Original poster
Kathyis6incheshigh · 29/05/2007 14:51

So nobody's come on yet and said 'Oh this is so simplistic, it's much more complicated than that' then....

One of Nancy Mitford's characters (Linda in The Pursuit of Love) says that the secret of a happy marriage is good manners, which I suppose is rather similar.

My touchstone at the moment is that I don't want us to turn into one of those couples who bicker about whose turn it is to change nappies. I sort of have this feeling that as long as we are both offering to change the next nappy everything will be ok. Hope it works.

OP posts:
Bink · 29/05/2007 14:53

Yes, it's a pity when something so basic as that even seems to need saying.

Though maybe it's the putting it into practice where the guidance actually is needed? Ages ago dh (long before was dh) & I were really impressed overhearing a very elderly, courtly, charming couple discussing something - and one of them said to the other, "I am sorry to contradict you but ..."

We always thought that was a measure of true mutual respect (and not one I've managed to live up to).

DontCallMeBaby · 29/05/2007 14:53

Anecdote alert ... not long after I was unceremoniously dumped by the last boyfriend I had before I met the one who is now my DH, I went out for a curry with my friend. She said 'shall we share a portion of rice and a naan?, and I said 'okay'. A really banal exchange, but it struck me how different it would have been had it been the ex. 'Shall we share a portion of rice and a naan?' 'Urgh, noooo, I want a WHOLE naan, whinge' (that's me). I suddenly realised how I'd spend over four years being whiney and passive-aggressive with my partner in a way I would NEVER dream of being with a friend. I'm by no means perfect (hollow laugh) but I have TRIED to build on that lesson (coming up for ten years together, on Friday actually, bet he hasn't got a clue!)

On the other hand, my mum is terribly whiney and passive-aggressive with my dad and they've been married 38 years. She may well compliment him on the gardening when no one's around though.

HuwEdwards · 29/05/2007 14:55

Me and DP have been together over 30 years. We reckon that through all the changes in our lives, the one constant has been that we can still make eachother laugh - really belly laugh.

Surely being nice to eachother is a given if you still have feelings for eachother..?

TootyFrooty · 29/05/2007 14:56

I feel really uncomfortable around couples who are rude to each other all the time. Does anyone else feel the same? Makes me cringe.

Manners cost nothing but they mean everything. As my mum always says.

Original poster
Kathyis6incheshigh · 29/05/2007 14:56

Bink, that's lovely.

OP posts:
serenity · 29/05/2007 14:57

Yes, but then the key to any long standing relationship is to like, respect and get on with the other person surely? If I wasn't nice to my friends, well, I wouldn't have any would I? Just because it's harder for DH to walk away doesn't mean I shouldn't make the same sort of effort, and if it's going vice versa and DH is nice to me, then it isn't going to be any sort of effort at all then (sorry bit of a long sentence there)

I do wonder sometimes why people are with partners they don't seem to like very much, but tbh I've only had the one relationship, so I assume that I tend to the fluffy and idealistic, and 'put up or shut up' tends to be more realistic.

TheArmadillo · 29/05/2007 14:59

Some people forget though I think. You aren't always ncie to the people closest to you because you assume they will always be there. Someone its safe to take your temper out on because they're not going to go and they should understand so you shouldn't have to say sorry.

Me and dp have been together about 6 1/2 years and had a couple of rough years when we first lived together (we moved in together from school at 18). Most of the problems in our case were caused by not respecting the other person and always putting others first (on both sides). Once we learnt to make an effort to respect the other person adn their wishes as well as our own things got a lot better. And just to appreciate them I think.

FioFio · 29/05/2007 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Rusty · 29/05/2007 15:04

I'd agree - we've been married 27 years & together for 32 & though I wouldn't say we've never had an argument,it doesn't happen that often and I do think that when we do it starts with one or other of us not having treated the other with the consideration we'd give to a friend.

Mind you, I still reserve the right to moan about him on here if need be - but then he may be moaning about me on MSN to his Captain Scarlet nerd herd - we just don't take it offline.

Original poster
Kathyis6incheshigh · 29/05/2007 15:04

Yep, 10 years counts as a long time, Fio

OP posts:
Soph73 · 29/05/2007 15:09

Fio - very true, you have to be nice to each other and apologise when you are in the wrong and forgive each other. I´m more fiery than my dh but because we´ve always been able to talk to each other about everything we can spot the warning signs just before a flare up, deal with it, talk, have a glass of wine and laugh about it later. I couldn´t envisage my life without dh (married 6 yrs in July, together for 9) Also we can still make each other really laugh and appreciate that life isn´t an adventure every day of the week

Tootyfrooty - I´m with you, I can´t stand it when I see couples being horrible to each other all the time, life´s too short to stay with someone you´re miserable with.

Anna8888 · 29/05/2007 15:10

There's definitely a lot of truth in Libby Purves' message.

Families should be polite and kind to one another - husbands to wives, wives to husbands, parents to children, children to parents. That doesn't mean, however, that they should avoid hard issues - one of the benefits of families and love is that you ought to be able to say things that you can't say elsewhere without fearing rejection or admonishment. But you should still say them politely.

SaintGeorge · 29/05/2007 15:12

Together 19.5 yrs, married nearly 18.

We aren't always nice to each other because that would mean changing our personalities too much

We share trust and respect, humour and sadness, anger and joy. The sharing is the important bit to us.

We got on this rollercoaster together and we intend to stick out the ride to the end.

Vomit inducing, but true.

OrmIrian · 29/05/2007 15:13

"It all comes down to marital courtesy, to kindness"

Yep. That's about it. In fact it's more or less the way to treat everyone (apart from the marital bit). Without kindness it's like sharing a house with a stranger once the inital passion and mutual obsession wears off.

clumsymum · 29/05/2007 15:15

Haven't read the article yet (sit to read paper after ds in bed), but agree that, all other things being equal, it is important to be kind, pleasant, generally polite to each other.

DH and I always use please and thank you to each other (he phoned me last week from work, to say thanks, because he saw on the bank statement that I'd sorted out getting his car tax for him), often buy little pressies or cards for each other, ALWAYS say sorry after a row (we don't often row, and the sorry may come 2 or 3 days later, but we do).

My sis and her dh are horrid to each other. They Never say please or thank you (nor to their daughter), and always think their house is like a war zone, everything is yelled, doors always slamming, no basic respect for each other's feelings (which over the years has spread, so they give my mother and me very little consideration these days too.
They have been together nearly 30 years, but they can't split up, as my sister couldn't envisage living alone (exactly what she told my mum).

I think my sis's life is very sad actually

mrszimmerman · 29/05/2007 15:17

Kathy,
I haven't read the whole article but there is something to be said for being kind to one another.
If you know that kindness is the bottom line from both of you - you're covered when either of you is struggling. I know that when I'm patient with dh (together for 15 years) he really remembers and it puts patience 'in the bank' so to speak when I need someone to be patient with me! I find the more loving I am to him, the more loving he is to me. But we have been through a lot together and have learned from our mistakes, luckily we've stayed together through them and can now reap the benefits of that too.
I used to be meaner to him and I regret that now. I now think that 'love and cherish' is hugely practical guidance.
But it only works if it's two way! I don't think it makes sense to cherish someone who's being abusive!