People who have been married/together a long time: what do you think of this article by Libby Purves?

[Kathyis6incheshigh]

Would be interested to know what people think about Libby Purves' column this week.

She is basically saying that the recipe for a happy marriage is simply being nice to each other.

Now, my dh and I think the same, but we have only been together a couple of years now so what do we know?

Interested to know if people with longer-standing relationships would also say this is the bottom line of good relationships, or if it is a bit simplistic?

Bikebug, my dp used to have that problem, until I pointed out how much it upset me to have the compliment thrown back at me. Now he gives a blushing 'thank you'

I have to be reminded about being polite and not snapping, I get myself in a tailspin about the most stupid, trivial things. The article makes sense to me, maybe I should print it out for future for both of us when we're having a day of senseless sniping at one another.

I'm just as guilty as he is, we provoke one another, even though we love each other very, very much, I am like a dog with a bone, I vow to improve.

When my sister and her husband were going through a tough patch a few years ago they asked us how we managed to be so nice to each other all the time.

I said the only rule I have is that I'm not allowed to bitch about anything he does if I ever do it myself. That leaves me with so little to complain about that it's really not worth the effort.

DH said it's easy - he just lets me have all my own way about everything.

Learning to accept a compliment gracefully was hard for me too. So I made a point of teaching dd early on how to do it.

I do love the harmonious atmosphere we live in. I would shrivel up altogether if I had to face sniping and hostility at home.

Interesting thread, thanks

I'd say essential to be nice to HWCMTTSH (he who cannot multi-task to save himself) as he puts up with me and there aren't many who would. We've been together 16 years and fight fairly often but one of us will usually say at some point "I still love you even when I'm cross but I'm really more cross than in love right now" and it kind of defuses things

My pet bugbear is how many parents allow their kids to be bloody rude and thoughtless to them. We were with friends the other day and their 4 year old was just awful to his mother and neither of them said anything. DS (being at the copying stage) started acting up to me and got read a smallish riot act about manners which they all sat openmouthed at. She said to me later "we didn't think you could teach them to be nice until later" EH?

Hi All,
I have been married to dh for 3 years and been together for 10. I would deffo say that the way to get on in any relationship not just a marriage is treat others as you would like to be treat yourself, with kindness, courtesy and respect. My dh and I do argue, as no doubt every other couple does, but we kiss and make up in the end.
I love him to bits and wouldn't be without him.

Hi DH and I have been together for nearly 12 years and married for 6 years.

I definitely think you have to have respect for each other and to be friends - sounds basic but it's so true. Also regardless of how many children, how many hours you/he/both work you must make time for yourselves just the two of you.

Of course we argue but we never call each other names etc and we never get personal AND we never make it a public feast.

People that I know who do exactly this are not happy, with wandering eyes and just existing with each other. That, to me, is not a happy life.

i think also we live in a society where it's okay to put down your other half...

he can't cook
she won't change the oil in the car
my child is a monster (!)

i never discuss arguements with my hubby to others, or go over and over his faults (there's not many). and more importantly he never discusses mine with others either!

Isn't this basically the 'golden rule'?
Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

We have been married for 17 and together for 23 ( blimey that makes me feel so old) and I can honestly say that i love him more now than the day we got married,he is my best friend ,my mentor anfd my lover all in one.I really agree that the most important thing is to respect each other and be kind,we do have arguments of course we do,although not often and we always try to say sorry ,it might take a while but we get there.!

I always think home should be the one place you feel absoltely safe and comfortable (partly because this was not true for me as a child) and always say to the children that I will always support them ,I may not agree with what they are doing I may be cross with them and I won't solve their problems for them but i will always love them and thats true of dh and I as well.We will tell each other if we think the other is wrong but we rarely fall out about it .

I do bite my lip sometimes because just because something has annoyed me doesn't mean that he is the one in the wrong,personally i think all this venting of anger stuff is over rated ,sometimes it just hurts the other person.

ds1(13) put it quite well the other day when talking about another couple who seem always to be bickering ,he said "you and dad don't do that you just sound off at dad and he listens with a resigned look on his face"Out of the mouths of babes hey!

I agree casbie, that theatrical 'putting down your partner in public' tradition is pretty unpleasant. It can all be done as if it's only teasing - but it always makes other people uncomfortable.

It should go on the marriage certificate:
I will love and support my spouse
I will not gratuitously take the piss and humiliate my spouse in public

Hmmm.

Well I've been with DH for 15 years, married for nine and certainly good humour and manners is fundamental to our marriage and I think to many others - provided both parties take it equally seriously.

I like Libby P, she often speaketh sense, although I do think some people confuse politeness and friendliness as not being that bothered. Or tend to avoid talking about things that are not easy to put in polite terms. For example, DH and I have bickered occasionally in public and I always take it as a sign that things are amiss in the House of Giz. Inevitably it turns out that we haven't managed to find a tactful way of discussing a thorny topic and therefore have sat on it until it becomes a sore spot.

But outright rudeness and disrespect are a massive no-no in my book, both to someone's face and behind their back. If you are whinging about your DH using vicious language, you probably need to take a long hard look at your relationship and whether you really want to be in it.

We've been together since we were 19/20 adn married 12.5 years.
I think this is right. We always try to put the other person first - I think of dh's needs, he thinks of mine, and we jog along fine.

Oh and we have fabulous sex!

Fab article

sex is a very good reason to stick with each other for 12 years!!!

good sex makes lighter work of marriage imo.
nice if it gets better and better over time too!