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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

People who have been married/together a long time: what do you think of this article by Libby Purves?

64 replies

Kathyis6incheshigh · 29/05/2007 14:33

Would be interested to know what people think about Libby Purves' column this week.

She is basically saying that the recipe for a happy marriage is simply being nice to each other.

Now, my dh and I think the same, but we have only been together a couple of years now so what do we know?

Interested to know if people with longer-standing relationships would also say this is the bottom line of good relationships, or if it is a bit simplistic?

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 29/05/2007 15:17

Ah yes....clumsymum. My SIL and he DH were like that. We actually ran away from a camping weekend in Crickhowell once because it was raining and we were stuck in a tent with a couple who sniped and bitched at each other all day .

twinsetandpearls · 29/05/2007 15:19

Have only been with dp for four years so we are still newbies but i think she is right.

I also heard an interview once where a woman who had been married for 60+ years said the secret to staying togther is that there is always one person in the relationship who wants to keep it goingenough tto carry the other one - altough clearly that person should not always be the same one. It is unrealistic to think that you will be madly in love forever but as long as one of you is head over heels that will see you through.

speedymama · 29/05/2007 15:19

DH have been together for 12 years and married for 5.5 of those.

We are best friends and treat each other with respect. We are sensitive to each other's needs and we do not allow problems to fester. We are always making plans for our future. We have even sorted out our holiday to celebrate our silver anniversary.

doggiesayswoof · 29/05/2007 15:31

I like the article. DH and I have only been together 4 years but it's not been plain sailing - kindness and respect and trying to see the other pov is so important... if you don't have that you won't get through difficulties imo.

Also, we want to set a good example for dd in terms of manners and respect for others. My mum and dad divorced when I was 21 but should have done so when I was about 8. They barely had a civil word for one another for most of my childhood and just didn't speak at all most of the time. I grew up thinking that was the norm. Their 'example' has really motivated me to do things differently.

Anna8888 · 29/05/2007 15:35

doggiesayswoof - that's very interesting, and worthwhile, to try to do better than your parents did. Is it difficult? How about the way you treat your children? Is that also very different to the way you were treated?

liath · 29/05/2007 15:36

Nice article. The other very old-fashioned tip I picked up was to remember to compliment & praise your DH. Sounds patronising ("Darling, the lawn looks lovely now you've mowed it - well done ") but it does stop you taking someone for granted and DH looks like a dog with two tails!!

Original poster
Kathyis6incheshigh · 29/05/2007 15:39

Thanks - I've enjoyed reading these .

I like MrsZimmerman's concept of putting patience in the bank....

And Armadillo - I thought exactly the same about the surrendered wives' programme, ie, why didn't they just try not being horrible to their husbands - they didn't have to go the whole way into total surrender for for goodness sake!

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 29/05/2007 15:39

liath - my partner complains sometimes that I don't pay him enough compliments... .

casbie · 29/05/2007 15:42

ditto - woof!

10 years next year (together for 14 oooh feel old), best thing about my hubby is that he agrees with me and he if he doesn't, he can stick up for himself.

: )

Original poster
Kathyis6incheshigh · 29/05/2007 15:46

This has been a very nice thread so far - when is someone going to come along and tell us we're smug and make it a bit more edgy?

OP posts:
doggiesayswoof · 29/05/2007 15:47

Anna, it's not difficult so far, because I really like my dh and it's mutual, whereas I don't think my parents ever really liked each other or even knew each other that well (and they were married for 25 years). I'm also really keen to ensure that my relationship with dd is as different as possible from mine with my mum - but that's a whole different thread!

Anna8888 · 29/05/2007 15:51

doggiesayswoof - good for you, anyway

My parents, and grandparents, were always kind and polite to one another. My partner's family are not as nice... we work on changing behaviour (especially towards the children) to make our home life harmonious... quite hard work IMO.

dweezle · 29/05/2007 15:57

DH amd I rarely argue, and we are each other's best friends. We have been married over 10 years and I love him now more than I did when we were married (and I loved him a lot then!) We talk all the time, discuss, debate, laugh, and treat each other with respect. Absolutely do not understand relationships where partners are ALWAYS arguing, and who do not try to create a peaceful environment to live in. I suppose some people just like drama - I hate it. Don't understand partners who treat each other worse than their worst enemies, speak to each other like dirt, and when they have 'time off' always choose to spend it with other people, not with each other. Why bother, if your partner isn't the person you want to spend your time with, the person you most look forward to seeing at the end of the day.

I think being nice to each other is seriously under-rated.

Kathy 6 - I do sound smug - I'm not really, just very thankful

doggiesayswoof · 29/05/2007 16:04

Anna, do you mean your partner needs to work on his behaviour because of his own family past? It's interesting, because I feel I am so wary of falling into the patterns of behaviour I witnessed when growing up, it's less likely to happen. I am almost painfully conscious of it all the time, in my interactions with my dh and dd.

BabiesEverywhere · 29/05/2007 16:08

We have been married 1.5 years and together for 12 years and been good friends all of that time, though we have our downs like everyone else.

I hope the next 12 years are just as happy for us (fingers crossed)

speedymama · 29/05/2007 16:08

I was just trying to remember the last major disagreement DH and I had and I cannot remember! We never argue at all. We always discuss things and respect each other's point of view. I always pay him compliments about how he dresses, his physique, his cooking and even when he takes the boys to the park.

He is always complimenting me on my commitment to my fitness regime, my cooking (especially my cakes) and juggling part-time working with raising the boys.

It may be saccharine smugness to others but to us, it's normal.

OrmIrian · 29/05/2007 16:16

To be fair, to add minor note of caution here . I don't think that anyone starts out wanting to be one of those angry couples. Sometimes it just happens with time and with the stresses of life. I am very aware of what it takes to make our marriage work smoothly - patience, kindness and consideration - but there are times when that becomes so difficult and we end up acting coldly towards each other. But you have to forgive yourselves and each other when that happens.

I think the most important thing if you want to stay together contentedly is not to expect a relationship to remain the same as it was on day one. It changes, sometimes for the better, sometimes not. If you want passion and excitment all the time, have a string of affairs, not one monogamous relationship. I think that is where many partnerships fail.

Marina · 29/05/2007 16:27

I agree with you there Ormirian. We recently celebrated the 20th anniversary of our first date and have been married for 11 years. We have a basically very strong, mutually supportive and loving relationship, but a stillbirth five years ago and the fallout from that rendered us both temporarily incapable of being kind and forbearing to each other as usual.
We've gradually regained our equilibrium over the past year or so and are able to starting paying in to the bank of kindness again but, like Fio, we have both had moments in the past where we could have decided enough was enough .

BikeBug · 29/05/2007 16:46

haven't read the whole thread, but would like to add that learning to take a compliment was important for me. Dh would say something nice to me, and I'd put myself down (jokingly, but not really iykwim). Eventually he explained just how much it pissed him off never to be 'allowed' to say anything nice to me, and I made myself learn to just say 'thank you' not 'oh, this old thing', or 'not bad for an ugly bag' etc etc. It has made a big difference. And we're polite too! Together for 13 years now, so something is going right, I hope.

Original poster
Kathyis6incheshigh · 29/05/2007 17:47

Aw Bikebug.
I find that a very sweet story.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 29/05/2007 17:50

doggiesayswoof - yes, my partner has had to do quite a lot of work on his own behaviour trying to undo really awful behaviour patterns learnt in his own family.

When I met him, outside his family setting, he was charming, pleasant, always made intelligent conversation - but he knew he had lots of issues in his home/family life, which we talked a lot about but weren't real to me until I had met his family. Now that I know all his family and especially his parents, I quite understand where the really bad behaviour patterns he is capable of falling into at home come from. It's not so much of an issue with me (and he met my parents, family etc before I met his and had already understood I came from another place entirely) but it definitely is with the children.

I'm very conscious myself of everything I say, I'm forever analysing words and meanings - partly because I have used English and French everyday for many years and have attained a very high linguistic awareness because of it. We work at it at home, and my partner has got much, much better at expressing himself clearly and politely. He even says he's improving at work, too...

Hulababy · 29/05/2007 17:55

I think being nice to one another is the basis for all relationships, not just for marriages.

Been married for 8 years this year, been together for 17 years in total. DH and I get on really well as friends, as well as as a couple. We respect and trust one another, and are nice to one another. Yes we may have the odd arguement, but nothing major and we would never leave the house or go to bed on a bad word.

MaPickle · 29/05/2007 20:56

Bikebug, I had the same problem! Now I just say thank you and preen a bit

suedonim · 29/05/2007 21:38

I've been married for 35yrs (oops, I typed 53yrs - it just feels like 53yrs!! ) and I think there's more than a grain of truth in the article.

Being nice to one another may not be enough to solve major problems but being nasty is a sure fire way to turn a molehill into a mountain.

mrszimmerman · 30/05/2007 08:51

Another thought I had on this post is something I've learned which is to be positive about things. Over time dh and I seem to take turns on this. So if one is being pessimistic the other looks for slightly more optimistic things to balance it. It's not really conscious at all - I've just noticed it recently.
I had a phase of being very negative about things in the past and I think that totally drained dh. It's amazing what just being a little bit more postive can do in a family, so you're stuck in a traffic jam because you were late leaving.... so that can be a disaster or someone can shift the attitude in the car to something good.
Also it teaches children to deal with things well!
(This has taken me a long time to learn though!)

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