I can see both sides to this

[NiceAndBreezy]

Mumsnetters I need your wisdom because I can truly see both sides of this.

I've been with my DP for 10 months, we'd known each other as acquaintances for a couple of years before that through a mutual interest. He has been separated 16 months. We are very much a couple, he stays at mine several nights a week, he's involved in my family life (my teenage DS, my parents, my siblings), we've been on holiday a couple of times and have plans for a future together. All round very happy.

His STBXW didn't want their marriage to end and has been very upset. She is quite close to his brother's wife, they live in the same small town (DP moved away) share a social circle etc. STBXW has tried to exert pressure on DP to return to her via DP's family and mutual friends and I know that DP's SIL has found this very difficult. SIL has come under pressure not just from STBXW but also the friendship circle. SIL has also borne the brunt of STBXW's emotional upset.

STBXW does not know that he has a girlfriend.

I've met DP's DD and her husband a couple of times (DD is not STBXW's daughter) and recently DP suggested to his brother and SIL that we meet up. DP's brother was fine and we did meet but SIL didn't feel that she could as STBXW doesn't know about me and SIL would feel awkward seeing STBXW socially having met me (I think she finds it difficult enough knowing I exist when STBXW doesn't).

My difficulty is this. DP doesn't regard it as any of STBXW's business that he is seeing me (especially as they have no children). I totally get and support this.

I can also see SIL's point of view and respect that. Everyone expects that STBXW finding out would cause significant emotional fallout and I can imagine a scenario where SIL is quizzed about how long she's known, whether she's met me, what I'm like etc. etc.

My concern is how long this situation will go on for. DP has no intention of ever telling STBXW and she is unlikely to find out by chance. They will divorce on the grounds of two years separation next summer so though that might be a watershed it's some way off.

It's OK (if disappointing) for SIL to refuse invitations to occasions I'm going to be at, that's her right. But I can't see anything changing very soon and if I am excluded from their family events for the foreseeable future I'm going to find that very difficult.

DP and I talk very openly and honestly about difficult stuff so I have no problem discussing it with him but I'm struggling with what to say. Is it reasonable to suggest that he should tell STBXW? 'Rip off the plaster' style. Get any palaver out of the way and enable everyone to get on with their lives.

I know he will be worried about the fall out and that she might start to be difficult about their divorce given that she needs to agree to it.

Or should I leave it and see how things work out over the next few months? SIL might come round, STBXW might meet someone else etc. etc.

I don't find uncertainty very comfortable (but I know that's my issue).

*f he’s still fiends with stbxw on social media, but not with you “because of stbxw” then that puts a different slant on it, I think.

It’s not so much that she doesn’t know about you because it’s none of her business, but because he’s actively taking steps to keep her from finding out.

Why is he doing that?*

I don't get that at all. If you're talking about Facebook, you and his STBXW are not friends, so he can hide his friends list so she doesn't know.

But the whole thing is ridiculous anyway, I wouldn't put up with it.

Well, DP and I talked it all through. He understood my position (and his SIL's) and agreed to tell his ex that he was seeing someone, that it was serious but no other details. I was fine with that.

It took him a couple of attempts to do it and the day after he first tried and failed I happened to read an article on codependency - OMG, it described so accurately how he relates to her it was spooky! I showed him and he found it equally as incredible that it seemed to have been written about him. One of the traits is an irrational fear of upsetting the other party but most of the others matched up too.

It was comforting to be able to understand his behaviour better but scary in that I now understand how difficult it is to break out of a relationship like that. Another upside though is that he's come as far as he has.

He realised that this was a deal breaker for me and on the second attempt he told her. We are not aware of his SIL having to deal with any upset but the ex did apparently need to have a friend stay with her for a few days afterwards as she was so upset.

He's not seen her since but they're communicating by email to agree the financial aspects of the divorce and other practical stuff. I hope she can start to move on more easily now, I really do believe it is fairer on her to know.

I'm not sure when I will meet the SIL. Nothing is on the cards at the moment, I'm sure it will happen in due course. I hope she doesn't think I might have taken offence at all. DP has seen his brother a few times, we've seen his DD a couple of times and she's now met my DS too so that's all good.

Re. Facebook, neither of us realised you could hide your friends list, we're not big SM users. We've both done that now though.