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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can see both sides to this

77 replies

NiceAndBreezy · 18/07/2018 12:38

Mumsnetters I need your wisdom because I can truly see both sides of this.

I've been with my DP for 10 months, we'd known each other as acquaintances for a couple of years before that through a mutual interest. He has been separated 16 months. We are very much a couple, he stays at mine several nights a week, he's involved in my family life (my teenage DS, my parents, my siblings), we've been on holiday a couple of times and have plans for a future together. All round very happy.

His STBXW didn't want their marriage to end and has been very upset. She is quite close to his brother's wife, they live in the same small town (DP moved away) share a social circle etc. STBXW has tried to exert pressure on DP to return to her via DP's family and mutual friends and I know that DP's SIL has found this very difficult. SIL has come under pressure not just from STBXW but also the friendship circle. SIL has also borne the brunt of STBXW's emotional upset.

STBXW does not know that he has a girlfriend.

I've met DP's DD and her husband a couple of times (DD is not STBXW's daughter) and recently DP suggested to his brother and SIL that we meet up. DP's brother was fine and we did meet but SIL didn't feel that she could as STBXW doesn't know about me and SIL would feel awkward seeing STBXW socially having met me (I think she finds it difficult enough knowing I exist when STBXW doesn't).

My difficulty is this. DP doesn't regard it as any of STBXW's business that he is seeing me (especially as they have no children). I totally get and support this.

I can also see SIL's point of view and respect that. Everyone expects that STBXW finding out would cause significant emotional fallout and I can imagine a scenario where SIL is quizzed about how long she's known, whether she's met me, what I'm like etc. etc.

My concern is how long this situation will go on for. DP has no intention of ever telling STBXW and she is unlikely to find out by chance. They will divorce on the grounds of two years separation next summer so though that might be a watershed it's some way off.

It's OK (if disappointing) for SIL to refuse invitations to occasions I'm going to be at, that's her right. But I can't see anything changing very soon and if I am excluded from their family events for the foreseeable future I'm going to find that very difficult.

DP and I talk very openly and honestly about difficult stuff so I have no problem discussing it with him but I'm struggling with what to say. Is it reasonable to suggest that he should tell STBXW? 'Rip off the plaster' style. Get any palaver out of the way and enable everyone to get on with their lives.

I know he will be worried about the fall out and that she might start to be difficult about their divorce given that she needs to agree to it.

Or should I leave it and see how things work out over the next few months? SIL might come round, STBXW might meet someone else etc. etc.

I don't find uncertainty very comfortable (but I know that's my issue).

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 19/07/2018 14:13

That's nuts, did he ask you to come off social media because of her??? I'd be sitting down with him and saying that you want a normal life and a normal relationship without his ex affecting choices you make etc

BitOutOfPractice · 19/07/2018 14:51

I'd be wondering why he is so very keen that she doesn't find out

Whattheactualfuckmate · 19/07/2018 15:21

Nice asking you to come off social media is a massive red flag.

My bil asked one of his ex’s to do it when he was shitting himself about being caught out.

I’d put money on it there is more to this than you know. Maybe there was a cross over between you, or he has slept with her whilst been with you.

This is all about protecting him and not some hysterical ex.

Something smells fishy to me.

I’ve just spent eight years getting to know a serial cheat, family lying for them and asking girlfriends to come of social media is stuff to look out for.

Fiirefly · 19/07/2018 15:27

You've been together 16 months but your boyfriend can't apply for a divorce under separation (2 years) until next summer?
That would mean they separated last summer? In which case he was seeing you both at the same time or he can actually sort the divorce out sooner than next year.
I'm confused?

Fiirefly · 19/07/2018 15:29

Sorry just seen you OP and you've said 10 months. Another poster said 16 so I went off that!

SandyY2K · 19/07/2018 16:21

When STBXW tries to persuade him to come back...why can't he simply say no... I'm seeing someone and wouldn't want to reconcile even if I wasn't.

There was a reason they split up...or is he worried that she'll suspect you were part of the reason it ended?

Original poster
NiceAndBreezy · 19/07/2018 19:04

To clarify re, social media. He hasn't asked me to come off it. Neither of us are particularly avid users, only have FB and rarely post. We're just not FB friends because of STBXW. (They still are). I know this doesn't make it alright, just explaining.

Anyway, we had a long chat over a late lunch and he's agreed he needs to tell STBXW, in non-specific terms, that he's seeing someone. He will warn SIL first but she will have to deal with it in whatever way she sees fit.

OP posts:
Whattheactualfuckmate · 19/07/2018 20:49

nice how will you be ever sure he has told her though. They are all proven liars

BitOutOfPractice · 19/07/2018 20:52

He needs to stop being fb friends with his ex wife and grow a backbone. Unless he's either a. Stringing her along or b. Hoping to get back together with her c. Hasn't moved on

DCITennison · 19/07/2018 21:05

If he’s still fiends with stbxw on social media, but not with you “because of stbxw” then that puts a different slant on it, I think.

It’s not so much that she doesn’t know about you because it’s none of her business, but because he’s actively taking steps to keep her from finding out.

Why is he doing that?

DCITennison · 19/07/2018 21:07

I’d be wondering if he isn’t ready, subconsciously even, for her to move on.

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 21:14

His behaviour has been selfish IMO: likely motivated by wanting his divorce to be as easy as possible, for him. It would have taken 20 seconds to email his ex to tell her he was in a relationship. He shouldn’t have put SIL in that position.

SIL hasn’t been much of a friend by lying to her friend.

Being online friends with his ex and not you is ridiculous.

Original poster
NiceAndBreezy · 20/07/2018 09:05

They are all proven liars a little harsh Whatthe. I don't believe people have an automatic right to knowledge about other people's sex/love lives. Tbf I don't know for sure whether STBXW has asked DP outright but I doubt it - that's not how their relationship works (hence STBX).

If there's no fallout then yes, I suppose I'll not 'know for sure' but then I trust him as that's how our relationship works. If there is fallout then it will be self evident that he's told her.

I think you're judging the whole situation based on your experience. Experience that sounds awful and I'm not surprised you've got no time for.

OP posts:
Original poster
NiceAndBreezy · 20/07/2018 09:09

It’s not so much that she doesn’t know about you because it’s none of her business, but because he’s actively taking steps to keep her from finding out. Why is he doing that?

He has been doing that as he's afraid of her reaction both for himself and being responsible for SIL bearing the brunt of it (again). Also, he does care about her wellbeing and knows it will upset her - however, my argument has been that she deserves to know so she can move on, 'protecting her' isn't actually the kindest thing to do.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 20/07/2018 09:28

Honestly op I smell bullshit from your dp. There's a reason he's actively going out of his way to hide you. And I doubt it's to protect her feelings. Or avoid "fallout" (what fallout would there be).

Original poster
NiceAndBreezy · 20/07/2018 09:46

Bit there's been plenty fallout from him leaving, emotional stuff not 'crazy ex' stuff, so I imagine more of the same. It's how some people react to upset.

No bullshit detected (and I'm a cynical old so and so).

OP posts:
Original poster
NiceAndBreezy · 20/07/2018 09:47

And some people do care about their exes feelings.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 20/07/2018 10:00

So he cares so much about his ex's feelings that he's willing to put you in a terrible position?

That's nice isn't it?

Original poster
NiceAndBreezy · 20/07/2018 10:46

Yep Spaghetti Discussed, he understands, he's sorting it.

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 20/07/2018 12:14

As his ex wife and SIL are good friends he should tell the ex wife that he is in relationship . He should do this so that it doesn’t make things awkward for his own brother and his wife when making social arrangements. It’s putting them in a strange position.
Surely he would rather this came from him anyways rather than a third party, especially if they were married for a long time .

Whattheactualfuckmate · 20/07/2018 12:40

Sorry nice I didn’t mean to be harsh.

When I first met DH I was told SIL was miserable, face like a slapped arse... this off dh and his family. I has a knock on the door one day at it was SIL, letting me know that bil has set up an on line dating account in DH name and was meeting women. She told me the real side of the ‘story’ - he has cheated the entire time they were married (17 years) - that’s why she had a face like a slapped arse. She loved him though and kept giving him another chance - when In reality he wanted a divorce. His family grew massive contempt for her and basically accused her of being the reason he cheated. They lied or ‘covered’ by not talking the whole truth for him if he was about to be found out again.

The divorced and he is still at it.

All that might be a million miles away from your situation but I’m just super wary when men start asking you to keep a low profile or stay hidden, when family members hide you.

I do think it’s lying by omission. She still is his wife and I just think it’s only fair she knows he husband has moved on. Would it effect the divorce proceeeding?

SummerGems · 20/07/2018 14:10

Massive alarm bells ringing here OP. So let’s look at this relationship from the outside.

You two are together,mhe’s involved with your family and friends and your DS. You’ve met his dd once, was she aware that you two are together? I.e. was this evident during the meeting? Additionally you have met his brother once but without SIL as she didn’t want to be lying to the “ex” about you. Added to that you’re not friends with either him or his family on social media because she is friends with him and can’t be allowed to know about you.

OP where is he when he’s not at yours? Can you call him any time of the day or night? Not that you would do so but could you? Have you been to his house? Met any of his friends? I’m guessing not as you say that they’re putting pressure on him to go back to his “ex”?

I would put money on his not actually having split up with her at all and them perhaps even being on a break but with the idea of getting back together. Either way, you’re not in a relationship - you’re his bit on the side. I know that sounds harsh but the reality is that he could walk away from you tomorrow and because no-one knows about you and everyone is protecting the bond between him and his wife you wouldn’t be in any position at all where he’s concerned.

Actually thinking about it more it sounds as if they’re on a trial separation which is why she can’t know about you and why you can’t be friends on social media. There is absolutely no other reason why that couldn’t happen. None at all.

When I got together with my DP he had some friends who said that they felt awkward getting to know me as they were also friends with his ex. His response was that he and his ex were no longer together, and given I wasn’t instrumental in their split, they either saw both of us or neither of us but that I didn’t owe anything to his ex.

There were others who felt that they couldn’t be friends with both him and his ex but that was about their wish to only remain friends with one side and that was fair enough. But nowhere would it have been tolerated that I be excluded so that he could maintain his ex’s emotional wellbeing. Any of that kind of talk and I’d have been off.

Think very carefully about what you’re setting yourself up for here. His loyalties are to his wife at this stage and not to you. You need to give that some thought before you get too involved.

SummerGems · 20/07/2018 14:16

PS: he doesn’t need to tell his ex that he’s seeing someone else. But there’s a world of difference between not telling her and actively taking steps to prevent her from finding out.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/07/2018 18:23

I care about my ExH feelings. Which is why I've never lied and sneaked about hiding my DP.

Original poster
NiceAndBreezy · 20/07/2018 18:25

I agree FuckItPassMeTheWine.

I was just struggling as I don't believe anyone has to tell their ex anything about their new life. Having left a controlling relationship myself I understand what it's like. I dreaded telling my ex I was seeing someone and only did it when I had to because of the kids. I totally respect an individual's right to privacy.

I also believe that as adults we need to do what's right for us and allow others to do the same.

It didn't help that I wanted him to tell her to make my life better. I was wondering if this was clouding my judgement, making me biased.

It's been helpful to get the views of those outside the situation.

OP posts: