Utterly heartbroken

[Catherine0201]

I’ve been with my partner for over a year and a half, mostly happy times and I’m SO in love with him it’s crazy. Lately we’ve been arguing due to him messing up, he manages to find a way to turn it on me, this doesn’t help me as I suffer with anxiety and blame myself for things very well easy anyway. I’ve noticed since an argument we had on Sunday that he’s been a bit off with me, speaking to me less and changed the tone in which he does. I’ve stayed at my family home as he implied he wanted space as he has work to do, I’ve noticed he seems to be reducing contact compared to normal. Usually we are texting throughout the night even if he is busy and is giving long replies there is still a conversation, now he comes off the phone at 5PM and reminds me he has things to do that evening I won’t hear from him, even before he goes to sleep. Last night I called him at around half 10, I said I hoped his work was going well and that I just wanted to make sure everything was okay as I sense the effort has dropped from his side, I said if it’s due to work that’s completely fine, I know he’s been stressed, I just wanted a reason as to why he was acting the way he has been as it’s really been stressing me out. He got a bit annoyed id even called him asking me “why do I do this?” When I didn’t think I’d done anything majorly wrong, I then asked if he still had wanted to the relationship to which he said “I don’t know, I think so but not when you call me late at night asking things like this”. This has completely thrown me, I have put EVERYTHING into this relationship, maybe more than I should have. For him even to say that when he could have just been nice and told me why, it really hurt. We haven’t spoken since, I don’t really know what to do, I can feel my anxiety flaring up again and I’ve felt sick all night

I think that whatever the rights or wrongs of a situation if you find yourself calling up someone at night to ask about the relationship it’s probably a situation you’re better off leaving behind you

Same happened to me. Personally I think he wants out but is to cowardly to say. The I don't know has alarm bells all over it. Leave him be if he wants to contact you he will. Hard I know I'm in the same place and haven't heard anything for 7 weeks. Sent two texts with no reply. I'm leaving it now. I'm not lowering myself anymore. I don't understand why they do this. Why can't they just say they're done instead of ghosting someone??

I'm sorry you're feeling shit. It does sound like he wants things to end, or at the very least, for you to leave him alone properly, possibly for long time.

Does the reason why really matter? I don't think it does. He doesn't owe you a reason, and if he gave one, wouldn't you just try to argue him out of that reason?

Let him keep to himself.

Are you in counselling for your anxiety? On medication? If not - can you take some steps starting this morning to rectify that? Your relationship shouldn't act as a band aid for your anxiety - it may be that your underlying anxiety issues have made him feel pressured so he wants distance, which is understandable. You need to care for yourself before you'll be ready for any relationship x

@summerwinter to be honest I’m the relationship I just want more from him, not to go too much into depth but he has messed up in the past but I have let things go under the impression that he would hate the thought of losing me and learn his lesson, this was the impression I’ve always been given. Even when I’m annoyed I put 110% effort in because this relationship is something I want, but I think to say “I don’t know I think so” to me after everything hurts so bad. It’s not a yes is it? Now I don’t even know what to do, he has work today and I don’t so most likely I will just panic. I have most of my belongings at his home as I practically live there. To make my anxiety worse I’m worried about my dad who has to have an operation as doctors think he may have cancer, I haven’t had the opportunity to even tell my boyfriend this and I would have spoke about it to him had he been his usual self the past few days.

I just honestly can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to be with me. I bend over backwards for him, more than I should. I keep myself looking well, I’m always there for him, I help his family out too if they need baby sitting or a lift anywhere, I’m basically part of the family, I always try and keep our intimate life new and exciting, I could go on... I just can’t think of anything I’ve done wrong. He’s the one who has messed up in the past so surely if anyone was having doubts it should be me?? To make things worse, mentally I’ve been so attached to him since our miscarriages (weren’t planned but don’t want to get into it) they were a HUGE deal for me and I know that if now Is the time to let him go I will really struggle to cope with that on my own. I have medication and am speaking to someone about my anxiety

You need to get rid of this person.
I am sorry OP but he doesn't seem to care about you.
Please get him out of your life and maintain dignity at all costs.
Then you dust yourself down and in the future when you have recovered from aforementioned asshole, you will meet someone that you deserve.
Good luck. I know it's tough.

It's hard to really understand what is going on here as I'm not sure what him "messing up" means, the scale of these mistakes and how he has been able to manipulate the situation to blame you. I think this is important as it obviously is the reason why you argued and it was the argument that seemed to bring about the change in his behaviour so it's hard to form a view without this information.

What I would say however is that you sound quite intense and needy. I would imagine during the early stages of a relationship when both parties are infatuated that these kinds of traits could cause less problems but once the initial novelty has worn off it can be quite hard for anyone to maintain the level of energy and attention you obviously like, especially if they're not sure they want the relationship to progress. In a way I suppose it's a good thing in that it has alerted you early on to the fact that your DP appears less committed to the relationship and that maybe his feelings have cooled. I know when you've invested so much in a relationship and are keen for it to continue this can be a hard pill to swallow but I do think he is behaving in a way that is indicating that he is starting to check out of your relationship.

With this in mind I would probably attempt to have a face to face conversation about your relationship and how you both see it progressing. You have been together a year and a half so he does owe you an honest explaination and I think you're unlikely to get this over the phone.

Crossed post there OP.
It's probably better he's not around.
Let him get busy wallowing in self pity whilst fulfilling family commitments.
Don't have him back. He doesn't deserve you. And his family isn't your family. Look out for yourself from here on in.
I am glad you are getting help.

I can be quite clingy but I do try drop back from that and let him get on. I haven’t seen him since Sunday afternoon and haven’t mentioned seeing him since he said he needed time for his work. All I I want is effort, when I called him last night he said he’d just finished his work had a bath and got into bed, so he could’ve quickly messaged me whilst his bath was running, I don’t know, if he was bothered about speaking to me he would’ve. I have a feeling I won’t get a message today, I don’t know how to cope with this, mentally I don’t feel great at all. As weak as it sounds, I just want to curl up in bed and not deal with life for a while. He has been my best friend since I’ve been with him, and I’m really scared to lose him despite everything

Sorry you're going through a rough time OP.

You do sound very dependent on him for your happiness but true happiness needs to come from within yourself. A relationship should be a complement to your life not a crutch.

Maybe take a step back from him just now, give yourself time and concentrate on you. That's good that you're trying counselling, hope it helps.

You are o reinvested in him. The level of effort you are putting into being the perfect girlfriend for him is not healthy.

Sometimes you can be too perfect...I don't mean this nastily, but why are you running around doing everything and bending over backwards? Maybe he feels a bit suffocated? I think I would. My ex husband used to 'mother' me and I think with hindsight I started to take him for granted, and sometimes felt like I wanted to scream! I felt wrapped I cotton wool.

I'm not saying don't help him out etc buy may be back off a little and see what happens. Good luck, I hope it works out

I just honestly can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to be with me. I bend over backwards for him, more than I should.

OP I understand feeling like this, I really do. I've felt like this too. BUT there are two things I've come across on here that might help you understand how being super-available doesn't always work. Fact is for many people (not just men) this just leads the person to see you as lower value and take you for granted. Not saying this is right, but it happens. I know, I've been there too and it's horrible.

One is the Baggage Reclaim website. Especially reading about Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/list-of-posts/

The other is relationship attachment theory, esp the book Attached by Amir Levine.

I hope that helps ...

Sorry to hear you're feeling low. Reading your posts, what stands out is that this is an unequal relationship - you want more from it than he does. The 'messing up' and being forgiven sounds like a red flag, whatever it was he did.

I think you are becoming more and more needy to a degree that most people would think is excessive, e.g. he could’ve quickly messaged me whilst his bath was running - this is driving him further away, you are becoming more needy, and it's a vicious circle.

In short, you need to step away. If the relationship is salvageable, he will come to you, but you should prepare for the realisation that it might have run its course.

Yeah I recognise that it’s not healthy. To be honest I can also acknowledge that he doesn’t often treat me how he should, regardless of that I can’t help but focus on the good, happy times, and as he is very good at turning things on me I blame myself for a lot which makes me feel low. By now he would’ve usually messaged me so I presume we won’t be speaking which is not great as now I don’t know where I stand. I keep thinking I did something wrong by calling him and just asking for clarification but then if I put the way he’s been speaking alongside the fact that he said he wanted to see me less in general (as we do spend a lot of time together) of course I’m going to take it to heart. I think it’s unfair to not be 100% straight up and my gut feeling is usually spot on so I just wanted clarity. Now we aren’t even speaking:/ feel the lowest I’ve felt in a while

Been there. Done that. Sometimes bending over backwards IS the problem. You become a doormat (I did) when you’re actually just being generous. I would advise you not to make yourself so available. If he loves you, he’ll come running.

OP did you post about this yesterday?

I totally get that you have anxiety, but you are coming across quite suffocating. You mentioned yesterday that you practically live at his parents house and get on well with his sisters. You d3scribe yourself as part of the family etc.

You have been together a year and you appear to be trying to anything you can to keep the relationship together, but it's coming across as desperate. Given your involvement in his family, I can see why he is struggling to make a decision. Sometimes relationships just don't work. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or you didn't do enough. You need to look to be happy with yourself.

When you say he has messed up, what has he done?

I try and not be needy, the past few days I have only been speaking when spoken to, but even in the texts he seems off and just blunt. Hence why I’ve been over analysing other things, in all honestly if it was the other way round and he called me and I had been acting that way to him I would just say “sorry. I’ve been so busy didn’t mean to make you feel that way” something along them lines. I know not everyone’s the same but I wasn’t expecting the reaction I received :(

His reaction is one of irritation (that's how i'd read it anyway) Please read the replies you've had so far, as most are saying the same thing, you are suffocating him.

I suffer from anxiety too and with it obsessional thinking, so I know only too well how you'll be analysing and over analysing, but please listen to the advice you've been given and give him the space he needs or you'll only push him away for good.

OP. Collect your things from his house and stop obsessing about him. I know that's hard but your self esteem is low and you seem to be investing in him so that he will validate you.

He is not responsible for your happiness and by the sounds of it he's already been disrespectful and you are flossing over bad behaviour because you want this to work.

You need to step away and work on your self esteem and your boundaries.

I say this as someone who has been in a similar situation . It's hard but necessary.

Honestly I think that maybe I come across suffocating when explaining to you girls how I actually feel but to him I definitely try mask it. We had a phone call on Monday that ended around 5-6pm, he did not message me or call me for the rest of the night, I said absolutely nothing. Did I want to talk to him? Yes but I didn’t want to come across needy. He text me yesterday and I only replied to what he said, he called me again once he was on his way home from work, we spoke till about 5pm and again no message after that, not even one to say goodnight. That’s when I called him because this isn’t normal in our relationship, I recognise when something changes:(

We're women not girls (sorry, but I have to say it).
You may think you're covering your neediness but it's still there. More to the point you've completely ignore the points made about you flossing over and excusing bad behaviour. That in itself will give him the green light to behave exactly how he wants because he knows you'll put up with it.

:I just honestly can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to be with me. I bend over backwards for him, more than I should. I keep myself looking well, I’m always there for him, I help his family out too if they need baby sitting or a lift anywhere, I’m basically part of the family, I always try and keep our intimate life new and exciting, I could go on... I just can’t think of anything I’ve done wrong:

This is what you’ve done wrong. You’re too available. You need more of your own life. I know it’s hard but pick yourself up and move on.

If you think he's losing interest and he's not giving you the attention you want why are you still bothering? Why don't you end things or just leave him be? What are his good points? How does he make your life better?

Sounds like you're so wrapped up in the idea of the relationship and trying to 'keep' him you haven't worked out if he's what you really want.

What I said on the phone went like this “ I know you’ve been really busy at work and I get you need time to do everything, of course I want you to do well in that, I just feel the past few days I haven’t received the same effort from you that I usually do, if it’s because of work that’s completely fine I’ll let you get on with it happily, as it’s been since our argument on the weekend I would just like to know whether it’s due to anything that was said” in a summary that was it, I didn’t call him going psycho, I was so calm