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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly heartbroken

82 replies

Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 05:17

I’ve been with my partner for over a year and a half, mostly happy times and I’m SO in love with him it’s crazy. Lately we’ve been arguing due to him messing up, he manages to find a way to turn it on me, this doesn’t help me as I suffer with anxiety and blame myself for things very well easy anyway. I’ve noticed since an argument we had on Sunday that he’s been a bit off with me, speaking to me less and changed the tone in which he does. I’ve stayed at my family home as he implied he wanted space as he has work to do, I’ve noticed he seems to be reducing contact compared to normal. Usually we are texting throughout the night even if he is busy and is giving long replies there is still a conversation, now he comes off the phone at 5PM and reminds me he has things to do that evening I won’t hear from him, even before he goes to sleep. Last night I called him at around half 10, I said I hoped his work was going well and that I just wanted to make sure everything was okay as I sense the effort has dropped from his side, I said if it’s due to work that’s completely fine, I know he’s been stressed, I just wanted a reason as to why he was acting the way he has been as it’s really been stressing me out. He got a bit annoyed id even called him asking me “why do I do this?” When I didn’t think I’d done anything majorly wrong, I then asked if he still had wanted to the relationship to which he said “I don’t know, I think so but not when you call me late at night asking things like this”. This has completely thrown me, I have put EVERYTHING into this relationship, maybe more than I should have. For him even to say that when he could have just been nice and told me why, it really hurt. We haven’t spoken since, I don’t really know what to do, I can feel my anxiety flaring up again and I’ve felt sick all night

OP posts:
Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 11:56

Weight is sliding off me like nothing so I know it’s important that I eat I just feel so nauseous. Usually i like to look really glamorous but the past few days I’ve genuinely looked like a troll under a bridge ( not that I’ve allowed anyone to see me like this haha) just don’t have energy, want to be back to normal and I need answers from him for that

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timeisnotaline · 18/07/2018 11:58

It’s not the phone call op. You don’t sound compatible and on your side it doesn’t sound healthy - no matter what he does you will just try harder is what it sounds like which is not how a good relationship works. Trying harder doesn’t always work.

Shortstuff08 · 18/07/2018 12:00

You called him fairly late to ask major questions about your relationship. A few days after he asked for space. That's not giving him space. I appreciate that you did, give him space. But 2 days in you stopped.

That's not giving someone space. If you give him space and you end up splitting. It's better now, than months of trying to keep the relationship together.

It sounds like you have both been through A lot in a short space of time. That's probably putting pressure on too.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 12:04

I think a bit of has to do with my dad ( I don’t know if you saw that but my dad has to have an operation as doctors think he may have cancer) this is something I want to speak to my boyfriend about because he is essentially my best friend and it has stressed and upset me of course, and I just feel because we haven’t been speaking properly I have not been given the opportunity to tell him and talk to him about it

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/07/2018 12:28

You are expecting more from him than he is prepared to give, and for that reason I really do think it's time to walk away from this relationship. It's not that you've done anything wrong, you're simply not compatible.

I woke up to the fact that I wasn't compatible with someone after 10 years of marriage and a child Hmm. And yes, it was partly my anxiety that was to blame. I believed a shit relationship was better than no relationship. Don't do that.

There's someone out there for you OP, I just don't think it's this guy.

Shnoggi · 18/07/2018 12:33

Reading this post is so sad. Catherine you are WAY too good for this man. If I was you I'd just let him go, but thats so difficult to do when you are head over heels in love with someone. Don't have any advice but mind yourself and hope your dad will be ok x

Clutterbugsmum · 18/07/2018 12:35

It sounds like he has had enough of carry you, yes you say you do everything for him, and in doing do you take away his rights a person to do what he wants when he wants.

It will never work if you want more of a relationship then the other person.

YOU need to get yourself healthy both physically and mentally no one else can fill in the gaps you have.

You need to be an independent person within a relationship, and not a clingon.

Go and get your belongings from his property and leave it at that.

AgentJohnson · 18/07/2018 12:36

Given your update, ‘he’s just not that into you’ and is too chicken to say it and you’re too anxious to believe it. There isn’t a future here and deep down you know it but you’re so used to your anxiety controlling you that you think that you can overcome your incompatibilities by ‘trying harder’.

I don’t suffer from anxiety but I did get caught in the ‘if he would only tell me it was over’ trap, which only enabled me to ignore that his actions, were speaking much louder than his words ever could.

Hanging on to a relationship where one party is no longer invested is soul destroying, anxiety only makes the experience ten as worse.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 12:40

I do think I’m too good for him, I have a habit of going for guys that I am too good for, I don’t know why. We used to be perfect and a bit of me hopes if we sort out our issues we can get back to that. I hold very strong emotions for him as I’ve never been pregnant before him and he is the only one who can even relate to the losses I have had. The idea of being with someone else honestly makes me want to be sick but I suppose that is because I am still in this relationship, I just don’t want to move on from him. I know people are with their partners for longer and split up and I admire them so much because I don’t think I could cope, I mean, im not coping now. I read things on here about women leaving their partners and they have children and homes together etc and I honestly don’t know how they are so strong. I don’t seem to have that strength. I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that but I am prepping myself for worst case scenario

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Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 12:44

I do think that maybe he isn’t into me, but then after a heated discussion last week he sent me a long message apologising if he doesn’t show his love enough and acknowledging he can be a prick, he said he loves me with all his heart and doesn’t want to lose me, he then asked me to come over and made me dinner, this wasn’t long ago which is why I am conflicted as what to believe.

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Gazelda · 18/07/2018 12:59

Catherine, I think you need to focus on building your inner strength and tackling your anxiety. You've had a year of highs and some tragic lows, you need to re-find your mojo and some inner happiness.

From his POV, he might well be feeling suffocated. You hide your neediness, but he knows it's there and what your expectations are of him.

To be fair, he's had a tumultuous year too. And he's currently got the added stress of work exams? I'm not surprised that he's distracted and unable to be as emotionally available as he usually is.

I honestly feel sad at how low you are feeling, and desperately sorry for your losses. Thanks. But I have to say that two if your comments have jumped out at me - "I'm too good for him" and "I can't understand why he wouldn't want me". Both of these would immediately put me off a partner. I wouldn't want to be with someone who sees me as inferior or who believes I should be grateful to them for being my partner. I'm sure I've misunderstood this, you come across as a lovely and loving woman. But you seem to want 110% from someone who currently has other priorities and who isn't up to your standards anyway.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 13:08

@Gazelda I’m just in love and want things to work out, I’ve got no idea how he’s feeling. I have no idea if we will even speak today and I don’t like being left in the dark, the general advice I have is to leave him to it, if he doesn’t want to be with me he will eventually have to tell me and I will have to try accept that, I just hope this isn’t the case

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Zaphodsotherhead · 18/07/2018 13:52

He's not going to give you the support you want, re your dad. I know you want to lean on him and have him be your best friend, but he just won't. You are in love, but I think he might be in disinterest.

You're glamorous and all that - you'll be fine. Let him go.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/07/2018 14:00

I don’t know I think so

Sorry OP, I think you need to accept that he's too cowardly to tell you he doesn't want the relationship to continue. It's shit, but it happens.

You can't force him to be the person you WANT him to be.

Sorry to hear about your Dad, but I think you need to focus your energy on yourself, getting some help for your anxiety and supporting your Dad. Your boyfriend seems to have checked out of the relationship.

Flowers
PsychedelicSheep · 18/07/2018 15:11

18 months is not a particularly long time to know someone. You say he's been your 'best friend' since you've been with him, where are your other friends? Did you sack off spending time with them when you got a boyfriend?

I'd focus on building/rebuilding relationships with others, and app obsessing about whether he's just busy with work or has simply gone off you and is too much of a wet wipe to be honest about it.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 15:17

My other friends are all in relationships, we haven’t sacked each other off, still see each other but of course when it comes to who I spend the most time with and tell everything to, it would be him.

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AllMimsey · 18/07/2018 15:41

This sounds eerily familiar. His name doesn't start with a J by any chance?!

SandyY2K · 18/07/2018 16:05

18 months is not a particularly long time to know someone. You say he's been your 'best friend' since you've been with him, where are your other friends?

I was thinking this too and I've seen your response to the question OP.

Yes they're in relationships...but didn't you have a 'best friend' before him? I do find that term (best friend) a bit childlike sometimes.

He is currently stressed and you want to share your stress with him... yo aren't giving him space and you're putting too much into the relationship.

It's not balanced and it's appearing that he cares less and as such holds the most power.

Like other pp have said you come across as really needy and that can be seen as suffocating...even though you're doing it out of love.

OurMiracle1106 · 18/07/2018 16:33

When I hear the “ I don’t know”
It makes me think he wants to keep you there as a back up plan but look for someone else. I would therefore leave. He will Say/ do the right things to keep you where he wants you but ultimately he isn’t happy and may well look to find someone else.

You need you own identity outside of any relationship. You need to go ahead and do you. Join the gym a swimming club boo. Club whatever you feel to but something to get you out and mixing with others.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 19:44

He’s just gave me 3 calls and text me asking me to call him. He then Called me a fourth time to which I answered and said I’ll call him back later as I’m out with my mom (getting my medication picked up from pharamacy but won’t tell him that)

OP posts:
User19992018 · 18/07/2018 19:52

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 18/07/2018 20:03

He's awful. Op you sound really sweet. Find someone who appreciates you

MrsRolandRat · 18/07/2018 20:07

I was seeing a man once. He was lovely but I felt so suffocated in things he did. Things like this, calling me up at night and asking why I was being off with him. I wasn't, I just didn't feel the need to be in constant contact.

When someone is needy and constantly questioning you and the relationship it's puts even the most patient of people off.

I think some time on your own would probably be a good thing.

I actually used to be quite needy. I then spent 4 years on my own and it totally changed me as a person. I'm now the most unneedy person you'll meet. It's done wonders for my confidence and self esteem.

I think take a step back and give him space. Real space. If he's into you enough he will come and hunt you down. No man will ever let a woman get away who they genuinely love.

There's a great link on neediness from a mans perspective, I will post the link. Have a read it's very true.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 20:18

@MrsRolandRat that’s helpful for me to read Thankyou! It’s so difficult when asking for advice because some say I am in the wrong and others say my boyfriend is a prick, but I suppose that’s as everyone is individual with different opinions. I don’t know how to approach our phone call, whether I should mention last night or not and how I can bringing up our relationship without sounding like a psychopath

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