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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly heartbroken

82 replies

Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 05:17

I’ve been with my partner for over a year and a half, mostly happy times and I’m SO in love with him it’s crazy. Lately we’ve been arguing due to him messing up, he manages to find a way to turn it on me, this doesn’t help me as I suffer with anxiety and blame myself for things very well easy anyway. I’ve noticed since an argument we had on Sunday that he’s been a bit off with me, speaking to me less and changed the tone in which he does. I’ve stayed at my family home as he implied he wanted space as he has work to do, I’ve noticed he seems to be reducing contact compared to normal. Usually we are texting throughout the night even if he is busy and is giving long replies there is still a conversation, now he comes off the phone at 5PM and reminds me he has things to do that evening I won’t hear from him, even before he goes to sleep. Last night I called him at around half 10, I said I hoped his work was going well and that I just wanted to make sure everything was okay as I sense the effort has dropped from his side, I said if it’s due to work that’s completely fine, I know he’s been stressed, I just wanted a reason as to why he was acting the way he has been as it’s really been stressing me out. He got a bit annoyed id even called him asking me “why do I do this?” When I didn’t think I’d done anything majorly wrong, I then asked if he still had wanted to the relationship to which he said “I don’t know, I think so but not when you call me late at night asking things like this”. This has completely thrown me, I have put EVERYTHING into this relationship, maybe more than I should have. For him even to say that when he could have just been nice and told me why, it really hurt. We haven’t spoken since, I don’t really know what to do, I can feel my anxiety flaring up again and I’ve felt sick all night

OP posts:
TattyCat · 18/07/2018 06:55

In the nicest possible way, it sounds as though you're driving him away and suffocating him a bit. Let him go. The best thing I ever read was "how can I miss you if you won't go away?".

Let him miss you.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 06:57

I know I need to focus on myself so I’ll just leave it, I just felt down as I didn’t think I’d done anything, that’s all

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Playgroundmedic · 18/07/2018 06:59

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You must be really hurting emotionally. It really does sound like he is edging away from the relationship tho'. You are probably doing all the right things, but he's just not the one to do them with. Sometimes relationships fall apart and it's horrid but they just do. You need to stop phoning him for a bit, and if he doesn't phone you, then you have the answer to your question. In the meantime, spend some time on yourself, get together with friends, not to drown your sorrows, but to have uplifting, motivating conversations. Get a new hairstyle or a new colour. Buy a new outfit, or something for your home. Get a creative hobby to keep your mind off him for a bit. Let him miss you. If he doesn't miss you, then you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and wait for the real Mr Right to come along :)

cordeliavorkosigan · 18/07/2018 07:01

I don’t like the sound of him twisting things to be your fault and you tying yourself in knots to please him . These sound like red flags to me. I think you might have dodged a bullet! Have you become isolated from your own friends and family? Now might be a good time to focus on them, reestablish those bonds if you can.

ScreamingValenta · 18/07/2018 07:03

We had a phone call on Monday that ended around 5-6pm, he did not message me or call me for the rest of the night, I said absolutely nothing.

If you spoke at 5/6pm, was it likely he would have anything new to tell you before the end of the evening? He has called/texted you daily - that sounds like a reasonable level of contact. It's your expectation of more that makes you appear needy.

I understand that you feel this isn't normal for your relationship, but relationships evolve - you don't necessarily spend forever in the honeymoon period, sending inconsequential texts in every spare moment - many people would get bored with that. If your expectations are different, you need either to adjust them or walk away and find someone who is a better match. You will drive this man away if you continue to have such a high demand for contact

happypoobum · 18/07/2018 07:03

I second the Baggage Reclaim recommendation. You need to get it into your head that this man is Not That Special.

To be honest you need to block him and move on, but clearly you are not ready for that yet. Flowers

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 07:04

If you’d have heard the phone call I had with him you would see that I really didn’t put myself across like this anxious ball of stress, I was happy and calm and just wanted the truth. He hasn’t text me this morning and he would be in work by now so we won’t be speaking. I know I need to distance myself, I’ve done so by taking a few things with me home on Sunday and not mentioning seeing him again. I’m just so stressed about it I find it hard to focus on anything else. Maybe I’ve allowed myself to become too dependent, I know that I have my own issues, but when it comes to him I try and put myself across the best way possible

OP posts:
gingergenius · 18/07/2018 07:08

I try and put myself across the best way possible

You're constantly on best behaviour. After a year, you still feel you have to 'perform' as the perfect girlfriend? That must be exhausting!

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 07:08

I agree I do too much for him, I’m just too nice, I recognise that. When I love someone I will do majority of things for them because I enjoy doing things for someone I love, maybe in this situation he just takes it for granted. I just presume that he would do the same for me back but because I usually have myself quite well held together I never really need things done for me

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hazell42 · 18/07/2018 07:08

I don't think you should ever put EVERYTHING into a relationship. You have put so much into it that you are willing to put up with anything to keep it going.
He's already being emotionally abusive. Being close to someone and then withdrawing affection without reason, is abusive. Making you do the 'what have I done to upset you' dance is abusive.
Don't let him walk all over you. If it isn't working, leave.
Don't call him at 10.30.
Don't call him at all.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 07:09

But maybe he wouldn’t do the same.. I don’t know, as I said he’s at work now and will be until 6 ish so, it’s a long day ahead for me

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Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 07:10

@hazell42 yeah you’re right I won’t, I’ll just fall back try to not be too much of a mess today

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flumpybear · 18/07/2018 07:12

Honestly, men don't often like the needy types and he sounds like one, personally I'd just turn my back and pull away, lots of men like the chase and get bored when they've caught you - perhaps let him chase you again but don't be too easy to catch

Carextra · 18/07/2018 07:13

Get rid of your phone Catherine.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 07:15

I’m just not going to speak to him

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Carextra · 18/07/2018 07:20

Good for you. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Your worth isn’t dependent on him. Take control and stop waiting for him. Even if he comes back, you need to let go because this relationship is too needy, too clingy, too suffocating. Things will work out, don’t fret. Get busy with other things and you will soon be okay.

Shortstuff08 · 18/07/2018 07:25

Do you think you are holding on to this relationship because you are so entwined with his family?

Is it more the situation you are holding on to, rather than just him?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/07/2018 07:27

as I said he’s at work now and will be until 6 ish so, it’s a long day ahead for me

Do you have nothing to do other than sit round waiting for his call? That is what the above sentence sounds like. Whatever you think you're doing if you're coming across as too needy to a bunch of strangers then you will be to your boyfriend too.

With regards to the anxiety you have my sympathy, I suffer from it too. You need to realise though that no-one is responsible for that but you and you have to learn to manage it for yourself. Don't mask it, it makes it worse, but actually deal with it. I've had a combination of individual counselling, individual CBT and group CBT, and I'm medicated to keep me at a level I can use those. It ain't pretty but it's better than using my family as crutches.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/07/2018 10:03

You can't make a relationship work unilaterally. If he isn't really 'into' it it won't matter if you try to make yourself into the perfect girlfriend, he just won't feel it (been there, done that!).

Pick up your stuff and get on with your life. I wonder if him 'messing up' was other women? And you are so keen to be seen to be 'better than them' that you are driving yourself into the ground acting the part of 'perfect girlfriend'?

It won't be doing your anxiety any good being with a man like this. Leave him, be alone, work on yourself until you can be with someone without trying to give them all of yourself

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 10:40

I’m off work, I have other little things I could do but nothing that is actually going to take my mind off this. I have a doctors appointment today to discuss my anxiety so I will probably start crying then even getting into all this. I managed to sleep for a couple hours and I hoped somehow he had messaged me at work but obviously that wouldn’t have happened. I spoke to my friends and a few said that as he’s got tests and exams at work not to take anything personally and just leave him to it, it’s just painful to think you’ve done something wrong and have no idea what. I worry that he won’t speak to me later and then that is it, but I know me worrying solves absolutely nothing so I just have to try get on with it. I would never tell him that I get this way because i find it so embarrassing, yesterday I had similar feelings just not as heightened, but when we spoke I put on a happy face as I want everything back to Normal

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AgentJohnson · 18/07/2018 11:20

Can you explain what him ‘messing up’ was? It is really hard to ascertain if he isn’t worthy of your effort or, if your expectations (even if not expressed, with some people and I think you’re probably one, it hangs in the air) are just not compatible with his expectations.

I know why things have changed for him but it could be that the initial mutual intensity (honeymoon period) has now become suffercating. He has asked for space but that is a concept that you have great difficulties fulfilling (hence you not appreciating that spending a lot of time with his family, even in his absence, is also intruding on in his space).

I really can not see a future for two people whose needs (when it comes to space) are so fundamentally different. You both must be so exhausted by the amount of effort that goes into getting your needs recognised by the other.

Your anxiety is part of you and is a part of how you love but for non sufferers being needed constantly, isn’t how they’d like to receive love.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 11:31

@AgentJohnson it’s got a lot to do with when I had my last miscarriage he didn’t handle it very well. He wasn’t there for me if I’m honest, sometimes he was but he would go out with his pals and after I came out of hospital (had to stay for a few days) he needed time apart and we basically broke up for a week. I forgave him and tried too e on from it but obviously it upset me that he was able to do this, I just put it down to him being in a bad head space. I don’t really feel that I am suffocating him to be honest, I haven’t begged him to see me, I’ve only spoke when spoken to, I’ve had an issue that since our argument his approach to me has changed. I haven’t been constantly calling and texting I’ve honestly left him to it. The first contact we’ve had since Sunday that I initiated was last night on the phone call. I have not been on his case at all and although I have all these thoughts I have very much held back from expressing them as I did not want to come across clingy :( I’m just upset that now he hadn’t spoke to me I feel I’ve done something wrong by addressing an issue I had, it’s not fair for me to have to bottle it up if he is being different, all he had to say was that there was no issue and “sorry if you feel that way”etc and it would’ve been done and dusted

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Fightthebear · 18/07/2018 11:48

Sorry about your miscarriage op Flowers.

One thing I’ve learned is that the people who try the hardest to be loveable don’t get the most love.

Boundaries and self respect are more attractive.

Original poster
Catherine0201 · 18/07/2018 11:52

@Fightthebear yeah I’m just panicked that maybe it’s too late to come back from the phone call, and I keep thinking I’ve done something majorly wrong by even saying something. I don’t know, feel quite pathetic if I’m honest, I can barely drag myself out of bed to get ready for the doctors later, of course if he tried to contact me We can talk through things, my worry is that he won’t / doesn’t want to but even if I did speak to him today I would never tell him how low I’ve allowed myself to get over it

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Fightthebear · 18/07/2018 11:54

I think your absolute priority is to look after yourself, not worry about him. Go to the gp appointment.