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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wow im engaged to Mr Sensitive Abuser

94 replies

notthisagain83 · 17/07/2018 16:42

Following reading another thread on here ive been reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and realised im currently engaged to Mr Sensitive...

I guess ive always had my doubts but im so in love with him its so hard to get my head around. He can be so loving, romantic, supportive and he is absolutely amazing with my DD and she adores him. However, when things are not how he wants them in the relationship he becomes angry and verbally abusive. He's had an awful past (confirmed by his mother who is lovely) abused by his father and watched his mother be abused and i guess i wanted to be the one to "save" him... but i can't!!

We are currently not talking as i had a different opinion to him on a topic we were talking about. Luckily we do not live together so i can just get on with things. I dread receiving a phone message thinking it will be him and what vile things he's going to say... How can i take the control and end it myself? The fall out is going to be horrendous.. but im worth more then this...

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 19/07/2018 17:15

I'm looking at this from a 'US holiday payment' perspective. As a rule, if a holiday is cancelled/adjusted they reverse the charge to the credit card that paid for the holiday. I know you paid your own share, but was the holiday paid for on your card or did each of you pay using separate cards? Since everything is coming to you, do you think you'd be able to do it via email and they'd just assume it was him?

Would there be any way to 'split off' you and DD from the current booking and change to a different location or at least a different resort/hotel?

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 19/07/2018 17:56

It's a bit difficult @Acrossthepond55.

I paid the full holiday on MY credit card. His half is being paid with a holiday voucher that we got as compensation for a 26 hour delay from a holiday he paid for that we went on last month.

All booking confirmation is from my email address. I applied for the credit from the voucher to be credited back to MY card all done through my email from him. I haven't heard back from that yet can take another 14 days yet.

Yes a solution would be to email from my email from them.

OP posts:

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 19/07/2018 17:57

We are suppose to leave in a couple of weeks so would lose 70% + cancellation fee.. so basically nothing back.

OP posts:

RabbitsAreTasty · 19/07/2018 18:06

Talk to them. There may be more flexibility than you think, especially if you would accept moving dates for you and DD instead of a proper cancellation.

Can you change who is the lead passenger? Then get someone else to take his place?

AcrossthePond55 · 19/07/2018 18:07

Oh UGH! 70% + fees is a LOT to lose! I'd be tempted to try to change DD and me to a different hotel and just go and hope he stays home or that we could avoid him. I wonder if they'd do that? If flying is involved you could always sit as far away from him as possible.

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 19/07/2018 18:29

He will definitely not go without us so I'm worried about going and him turning up.. he doesn't really know any details about it I booked it all.

He will DEMAND his money back if anything. I really cannot afford to give him the money back but I'm sure I can borrow if I get desperate.

OP posts:

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 19/07/2018 18:30

*I'm not worried bug him turning up

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 19/07/2018 20:34

Hmmm, could you cancel the voucher credit and give it back to him?

If he 'paid his share' with a voucher, he isn't really out of pocket anything, is he?

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 19/07/2018 21:43

No but I'll be nearly 2k down rather than 1k... I'll speak to the Travel Agent and double check that I can travel without him.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 21:58

I doubt you’d legally have to pay him back, especially as his share of the costs was paid using a “goodwill” voucher.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/07/2018 01:14

Loopy has a point. He's not out any actual money, is he? Besides, the official record will show that you paid for the whole holiday yourself since the total amount is on your credit card. Come to think of it, I don't think you owe him a single penny!

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 20/07/2018 13:12

I've managed to change the Lead Passenger to myself.

The worst case scenario now is

He cancels the voucher before they process the the refund and im left with debt on my CC
He demands the money back and make threats to retrieve it

I could cancel him from the holiday and repay him any refund i get..

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 20/07/2018 13:18

That’s great.

When was the voucher submitted? Probably cashed by now.

He may threaten to pursue you but not actually do so.

Loopytiles · 20/07/2018 13:18

Don’t pay him any money!

MachineBee · 20/07/2018 13:28

Well done OP. I’d just cancel his place and give him back any refund you get. You’re giving him back the engagement ring. He could sell that to recoup some of his losses.

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 20/07/2018 13:34

Oh yes he is all mouth.. well text actually!

I will let the voucher hit my credit card then cancel him off or see if anyone wants to come with us for a donation back to him...

god i feel like a scheming cow :-(

OP posts:

Melliegrantfirstlady · 20/07/2018 13:41

There’s a lesson in here for all those people who remain in an abusive relationship when they have kids.

It damages their very core and the extent is only ever realised when they grow up and become abusive themselves.

Although there is a lot of talk on here of abusers being completely aware of their actions and effect on their spouses I’d say this is not always true.

We are all a product of our environment and whilst I know some abusers (family actually) they haven’t got a clue that they are emotionally abusive. They don’t have the education or intelligence to even begin to understand it.

It’s hard to change ourselves it really is. However whilst he doesn’t recognise he has an issue he is a pure risk.

I love the courage you have shown.

His mother probably feels responsible for his actions somehow given that she raised him in the circumstances you have described. Life can be cruel.

Good luck with it all!

AcrossthePond55 · 20/07/2018 13:53

Perfect! I think the best bet would be to get a friend/relative to take his place and pay him back that way.

There's no reason for you to feel like a scheming cow. You're planning to 'make it right' as best you can given the circumstances.

Will the voucher be credited in time for you to cancel him off or change to someone else before the holiday? Because if not, I'd be changing things now. Since the vouchers going on your CC, what difference would it make? The CC doesn't know who's on the reservation, just how much to credit, right?

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 20/07/2018 14:02

@Melliegrantfirstlady thank you for your kind words.

I hand on my heart believe he does not see the effect he has on people with his behaviour. His past has completely broken him in so many ways and deep down i do not believe he is a bad person. He has so low self esteem and I believe he genuinely wants someone to love him completely but in the way he wants which unrealistic to any normal human being.

His mother does feel responsible and in some ways she is responsible.

OP posts:

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