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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wow im engaged to Mr Sensitive Abuser

94 replies

notthisagain83 · 17/07/2018 16:42

Following reading another thread on here ive been reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and realised im currently engaged to Mr Sensitive...

I guess ive always had my doubts but im so in love with him its so hard to get my head around. He can be so loving, romantic, supportive and he is absolutely amazing with my DD and she adores him. However, when things are not how he wants them in the relationship he becomes angry and verbally abusive. He's had an awful past (confirmed by his mother who is lovely) abused by his father and watched his mother be abused and i guess i wanted to be the one to "save" him... but i can't!!

We are currently not talking as i had a different opinion to him on a topic we were talking about. Luckily we do not live together so i can just get on with things. I dread receiving a phone message thinking it will be him and what vile things he's going to say... How can i take the control and end it myself? The fall out is going to be horrendous.. but im worth more then this...

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 19/07/2018 13:50

I agree, just remain NC and enjoy the peace. Let him make the first move then calmly tell him it's over. At this point I think you'll have to consider that your DD's things at his place are probably lost for good unless you can arrange for a third party to accompany you to pick them up or get them for you.

Can you get any money at all back from the holiday?

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 19/07/2018 13:53

I'm not bothered about the stuff at his house to be honest - its a small price to pay.

However, he is the lead passenger on the holiday (although he has no defeatist as all come through to me).

OP posts:

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 19/07/2018 13:55

and from a personal point of view i loved that he got my DD involved in the proposal. He KNEW i would say yes there was no doubt about that so he wasn't using her.

OP posts:

Hissy · 19/07/2018 14:03

but it locks HER in and makes it much harder for you to change your mind, which I am willing to bet has happened in some form before.

He is NOT a decent man, on some level these abusers know what they are and NOTHING they do is done without a reason THAT BENEFITS THEM

L0UISA · 19/07/2018 14:07

If I were you I’d trade off the return of the ring for a deal that suits you on the holiday.

Legally the ring belongs to you, like any gift. You don’t have to return it if he’s not being cooperative about your financial contribution to the holiday.

If it were me, I’d be working out how much I’d get for the ring and how much it would cost me to buy him out the holiday. Because focusing on practical details helps me not get caught up in the emotion and drama of it all.

I suspect that he’s not going to make it easy for you to part, and that he will be threatening and manipulative.

Sorry .

Laska5772 · 19/07/2018 14:07

I wouldnt go on the holiday, because..

a) its hassle to go if he is lead traveller ,
b) he could just access his ticket and turn up anyway
c) you'll be giving your dd possible false hopes or regrets that he is not there
d you'll spend the whole holiday thinking what it may have been like

Its tempting because of the 'sunken costs' and DDs expectations thing, but if I were you id book something else with your DD to have fun maybe cheaper /uk ? camping? .

It would draw an absolute line and let him know you have drawn the line , it stops him thinking he has something over you because you are willing to abandon it. Totally.

Also deliver the ring back .. maybe post it insured signed for .. or take it round to his mothers.

Then that s it . Over .

Laska5772 · 19/07/2018 14:11

If you keep the ring , it gives him a potential hold to come round, make demands etc etc . also deliver to his mother anything else of his ( or courier it round to his place) /Dont take it yourself to his..

Tell him he is welcome to go on the holiday . send him his ticket etc. but just make it clear that neither you or Dd will be going

Block /delete

Also just forget your DDs stuff. its only stuff. more stuff can be bought ..

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 19/07/2018 14:19

I will absolutely give the ring back at some point i have already taken it off and put it in the box. It not worth much so not worth selling it.

He does not know he is the lead passenger so im going to leave it be for the moment as i paid my half with hard earned money. He will not be able to access tickets as everything is coming to me. I really dont have any money to be booking anything else or days out for that week.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 14:23

Yes, given his other behaviours involving your DD in the proposal was a clear red flag. Inappropriate.

Laska5772 · 19/07/2018 14:27

But could you afford to buy him out if you go ? I'm sure he will expect it ..
I'd still not go.. put it down to experience / lose the money and send him his tickets and the booking etc.. then you dont owe him anything.

Hidingtonothing · 19/07/2018 14:28

OP do you have a friend or relative who would be able to take his place on the holiday? If so check out how much it would cost to just change the name on the booking, it might be less than you'd think. And bloody well done for spotting the signs, stay strong

thefirstmrsdewinter · 19/07/2018 14:29

OP if you don't want to be treated like this, don't worry about why it is happening or how it can be fixed, just take yourself out of the equation. What matters is being an adult and taking responsiblility for the way you treat people you love. A lot of us have trauma in our lives, it isn't an excuse to be awful to others.

I spent a year with someone like this before I had the sense to break it off. At the time he was in analysis 3x per week (so committed to self-knowledge, ahem). His explanation for his behaviour was nonsense waffle about his parents which amounted to him getting the red mist when he imagined he hadn't been 'heard'. Irl this was if I didn't enthusiastically agree 100% with him, even in passing, even about things I didn't really have strong feelings about so had no idea my lukewarm non-opinion would start WW 3.

He did go to anger counselling in the end, but only because he'd lost his shit at work. I doubt I could have compelled him to do so if he hadn't been found out in public as it were, and by the people who provided his income. We also had couples counselling, which made me understand I couldn't trust him. From what I heard he hasn't changed enough not to give his next gf a very hard time. He has lost friends over this behaviour.

The bit where he's loving and perfect is tied inextricably to the abusive behaviour. If he was abusive 100% of the time there would be no cycle, and it's the cycle that makes this dynamic difficult to escape. Do not get distracted by this 'romantic' hot and cold, it's textbook abuse.

Good for you for figuring it out. I congratulate you. You DO deserve better. Save yourself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2018 14:32

You and your DD for that matter are worth more than this.

Send the ring back by courier and get your names off this holiday booking today. You need to end this abusive relationship with immediate effect, do not remain at all within this.

He certainly did use your DD and you will need to steel yourself further for you ending it because he will use every wile, threats and tears to keep you with him. He will not make it easy for you to leave him because he will now have to find another sap (such men hate women, all of them and he sees them as inferior) to charm and target as he has done with you.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as your boundaries will have become further skewed by the actions of this individual. He targeted you OP, of that I have no doubt whatsoever. He saw something within you that he can and has indeed exploited to the point where you actually became engaged to him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2018 14:35

Couples counselling is actually never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abusive men too can appear to be very plausible to those in the outside world; the phrase "street angel house devil" is apt.

You owe this man nothing really let alone a relationship here. And read up further on the sunken costs fallacy in relationships too as well as reading about the cycle of abuse.

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 19/07/2018 14:38

@Laska5772 - I would have to borrow the money off my BF (he would not have no problem with this. In fact he would give me all his money if it meant im leaving my STBX)

Yes i will look into name change..im not wasting £1k and my DD not having a holiday that she is so looking forward to. He would definitely not go on his own and would have no one to go with.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2018 14:42

She and you would be better off going on holiday without him at all being there. Do not let her expectations and the sunken costs fallacy allow you to make poor relationship decisions.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here about relationships from you?. Do consider enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme for your sake as well as hers.

Laska5772 · 19/07/2018 14:44

Even if you paid ££££ , believe me its still worth losing it because that's just ££££ once and not a whole lifetimes worth of you and your DD having to toe the line to make him happy and living with him and his behaviour which in the end will diminish you .

I speak from experience .. I got away from abusive ExH and left several £££££ in a house with no expectation of ever seeing it again (finally got it back about 4 years later) , and also a couple of years after that I ran into another sensitive abuser on my first foray back into dating .. I did exactly what i suggesting to you ... bailed out of a holiday with him (and my DS from my marriage) at last minute when he started telling me ' how it was all going to be' ..

Have never regretted it .

Laska5772 · 19/07/2018 14:45

Cross posts OP, but borrowing the money is still a better option.

Laska5772 · 19/07/2018 14:47

Hope it works out for you ..

coolcahuna · 19/07/2018 14:51

I'm reading this with upmost respect for you for realising! One of my friends is in a scarily similar position to you and has come close to leaving so many times but when push comes to shove, she can't do it.

I've had to step away from her as a friend as just can't do this anymore.

You are 100% making the right decision. Even if their behaviour is linked to the past, thats not your fault!

He's also attached himself very much to the kids :-(

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 19/07/2018 14:54

I 100% will NOT be going on holiday with him if at all..

I left my DD dad's so she didn't have to grow up thinking that "we" were in an acceptable relationship and i will do that all over again and every time.

She has never seen the abuse (mostly by text anyway) and if you asked her how a man should treat you she will list all the nice things that she has seen him do for me and us and they are all the things i teach her. She will have a strong understanding of her worth and how she should be treated by ANYONE i promise you that. Funny that i struggle to imply that to myself though!

Ive never been in a relationship like this previously and although ive seen through the abuse i still have strong feelings of love and a lose for the future i believed we would have.

OP posts:

Laska5772 · 19/07/2018 14:58

... Oh and I finally got it right a few years later.(after swearing I would never share a house with any one again ) Mr L (a lovely, kind,supportive man without an ounce of abuse in him - and who was also a single parent) and I have been together 25yrs now and married for nearly half of those .. We have DGCs now

Laska5772 · 19/07/2018 15:01

You will be fine OP

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2018 15:01

"She will have a strong understanding of her worth and how she should be treated by ANYONE i promise you that. Funny that i struggle to imply that to myself though!"

Good re your DD but you need to also work on your own self perhaps through counselling too. You after all got engaged to this man and he used your DD in that scheme as well. Its hard to see when you yourself are in the thick of it.

You have in all likelihood learnt an awful lot of damaging crap about relationships and that needs to be unlearnt. He has also added to that pile of shite that needs to be unlearnt. Enrolling yourself on the Freedom Programme could help you further as well.

Re your comment:-

"Ive never been in a relationship like this previously and although ive seen through the abuse i still have strong feelings of love and a lose for the future i believed we would have".

That is the sunken costs fallacy. Are you also here confusing love with codependency; I would read up on codependency within relationships too and read "The Loser" by Dr Joe Carver. I am wondering if he love bombed you as well.

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 19/07/2018 16:20

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for your advise. I can absolutely say that there is not codependency on my part. I know i do not NEED him. I was happy single before i met him and i 100% know that i will be happy again. But yes on his part i can completely see that. He NEEDs to feel loved and wanted.

I have learnt some very important things from this relationship which will hopefully alllow me to have a stronger better relationship in the future.

OP posts:

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