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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wow im engaged to Mr Sensitive Abuser

94 replies

notthisagain83 · 17/07/2018 16:42

Following reading another thread on here ive been reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and realised im currently engaged to Mr Sensitive...

I guess ive always had my doubts but im so in love with him its so hard to get my head around. He can be so loving, romantic, supportive and he is absolutely amazing with my DD and she adores him. However, when things are not how he wants them in the relationship he becomes angry and verbally abusive. He's had an awful past (confirmed by his mother who is lovely) abused by his father and watched his mother be abused and i guess i wanted to be the one to "save" him... but i can't!!

We are currently not talking as i had a different opinion to him on a topic we were talking about. Luckily we do not live together so i can just get on with things. I dread receiving a phone message thinking it will be him and what vile things he's going to say... How can i take the control and end it myself? The fall out is going to be horrendous.. but im worth more then this...

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 17/07/2018 21:51

Hey lovely. You know that eventually he'll treat your DD the same way, don't you? Or any kids you may have together? Whilst she's little it's easy for him to treat her well but when she's older and has an attitude and when they actually can hurt their parents with their words, can you imagine how he'd be with her?

My ex is also damaged because he has a narcissistic man and as wonderful as it was at the beginning and until he 'had' me, life has been truly awful with him. Your choice of staying with a man like this is to fight over perceived stuff on his part or to walk on eggshells and suppress yourself so as not to risk 'hurting' him. And from experience, even if you do nothing , he'll still find something because so much paranoia goes on in their minds

madhattermum · 17/07/2018 21:53

OP all you need is time to make the best decision. Many will say end it because that at times is the only option out. ONLY you know him like no other. Yes your doing well by creating a divide between the 2 of you. It has to be done to give you the headspace you need. If he loves you enough he will show you and will do what it takes to get the help he needs. I'm not living your life but I would take a guess that the loving man is the real him. Starved of genuine love and self worth and wants someone to take care of and love. And this angry irrationally unstable alter ego is the damaged side of him who cuts off emotionally and says things he very clearly knows will hurt you very much. He is angry he wasn't strong enough to stand up for himself when he was a kid or protect himself and his mum. He is so mad at himself for it, that the rage and negative emotions bubble away under the surface until he is emotionally challenged and then becomes defensive and this seems to be his weapon of choice. Almost like on autopilot he will continue a tirade or abuse. It's not healthy for him to detox all this hatred and negativity in your direction, not only for the obvious reasons of how it effects you but for himself too, sabotaging what he needs most in his life. A stable loving partner and future.
I feel he won't want to break off with you long term, but go through the self punishment of 'I deserve this' and agree that it's over. He needs time and space too to address his behaviour. He must know where he is wrong even if he does feel you pushed the wrong button. I feel sorry for him actually, he will surely end up losing an amazing lifeline if he doesn't take heed from this and get the help he needs to heal his soul.
I wish you all the best OP xx
Ps. I have helped many people going through what you are experiencing, and the person who is sabotaging a relationship is not always a bad person, a narcissist or evil minded. But someone who is so badly damaged and afraid and not always in control of their emotions which sounds a lot like your man.

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 17/07/2018 22:02

@madhattermum

Starved of genuine love and self worth and wants someone to take care of and love. And this angry irrationally unstable alter ego is the damaged side of him... this is what I have been telling myself and really want to believe.. but he won't see that his behaves is not normal and until he can see that there is not helping him or us.

I am so scared of what I'm throwing away because of everything you just said!

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 17/07/2018 22:13

Not, Firstly change is very difficult even if he accepts he needs it.
Ex went to counselling for a year, every week but it made matters worse not better.
If the abuse was sustained and started early on in his life without a counter balance such as a loving other parent his sense of self is shattered and not straightforward to rebuild.
I would not give you false hope as even if he started today he will take a long time to heal, if ever..can you risk your Dd?

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 17/07/2018 22:32

As I said he's great with my DD. When he planned to ask me to marry him he spent the day with my DD and got her involved in choosing the meal he was cooking and to choose the ring.. he helps her with her homework as it can make me impatient, he plays with her all the time. She regularly takes my phone to message him that she loves him so much..

His mum loves him very much and although knows his behaviour is wrong she'll stand by him no matter what!

OP posts:

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 17/07/2018 22:34

But yes 100% I don't want my DD at risk of his future behaviour

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 17/07/2018 22:40

You haven’t made your decision, because you haven’t told anyone. Your friends, who care about you, dislike him: unwise to ignore that. They may well help you.

His history and issues don’t matter: he is abusive. Continuing the relationship is not in your or DDs best interests.

Hissy · 17/07/2018 22:51

Sweetheart, I wasted 10 years and blighted the most wonderful boy in the world with a man like your stbx as a Dad. I’ll never forgive myself for that.

The man you fell in love with never existed, you know this, and now that he thinks he has you on the hook, and yes involving your dd IS part of his trapping you, he will show more and more of who he is. The ‘nice’ bits will lessen and be fewer and farther apart.

Yes, your dd will end up in the firing line, after all he abuses his own mother, you think someone else’s kid will get better treatment?

You’re out, in your head it’s over, now do whatever it takes to make that real, make sure your friends know what’s happening and stay safe.

Call the police if you feel even remotely worried/frightened

madhattermum · 17/07/2018 23:52

I am so scared of what I'm throwing away because of everything you just said!

OP I'm sorry if I have made it worse for you.
I want you and DD to be safe at all times and of course at present you need to give yourself space away from this relationship. I'm sorry if I made you feel guilty. You're not a bad person for doing this so please never feel any guilt like your giving up on him. You are breaking a cycle of unhealthy and unacceptable behaviour, which has been allowed to continue due to the amount of times you have given him the 'benefit of the doubt'. You have every right not to put up with it anymore.
He is the only one who can help himself right now. He needs a good sharp wake up call.
Leave him behind his wall of denial which is also a common defence mechanism. He knows where to find you, or how to contact you once he is ready to accept it. If at that time you haven't walked too far away from all this.

Doingreat · 17/07/2018 23:57

You're not throwing anything away OP. he's an abuser. Sometimes he's nice to you. He can't abuse you all the time, y'know. It's hard work.

Make it real by telling your friends and family.

MistressDeeCee · 18/07/2018 02:05

His history and issues don’t matter: he is abusive. Continuing the relationship is not in your or DDs best interests

Agree 100% with this. Don't make yourself a martyr to his past. If you can somehow resolve this with him and save your relationship all well and good. But you can't 'fix' him. Only a professional with the relevant expertise can do that. & he will have to instigate the process.

MUjunkie · 18/07/2018 02:10

I spent 8 years with the most lively, generous caring man I've ever known...but one day I realised that I no longer had friends, barely saw my family...we were in a bubble...one that he controlled! I have moved on now and I still say he's a good man, but his past issues controlled every aspect of our lives. The fall out may not be nice, but it's better that you see it now rather than when you're married and living together. Good luck OP x

MUjunkie · 18/07/2018 02:16

☝️*lovely not lively!

Loopytiles · 18/07/2018 07:29

You’ve read Lundy Bancroft, he has a lot to say about the (low) odds of abusers, even ones who see it and are willing to use services to try to change, changing their behaviour.

He has decided to treat you this way.

Maelstrop · 18/07/2018 10:35

@Libby18 as the cottage is yours and presumably his name is not on the deeds, then you can ask the police to help get him out if he’s being awkward about leaving. Tough if he left his house, that’s not your problem.

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 18/07/2018 11:53

I have never allowed him to control what i do as such. I only get one evening a week without my DD and i kind of automatically devoted the some to have quality time with him. He did encourage me to go out with friends and would occasionally look after my DD so i could go out. However, i'm not sure why, but i started to feel anxious about telling him i was meeting up with friends in case he saw it as i would rather see friends than him causing another drama.

I will speak to my friends at some point. Im going out with a group on Saturday night. Planned for a while so i may tell them then. That will make it final and i know they will be supportive but they are the type of ladies that will check up on most days to check im alright when really i just want to get on with it and be able to say "oh i broke up with him weeks ago" and just move on.

OP posts:

Elsieparoubek · 18/07/2018 13:37

Hi notthisagain, I hardly ever post but this thread resonated with my experience.. your stbx involving your daughter in choosing an engagement ring / dinner is exactly what my xp did.. and I think it's a really controlling tactic. Of course you're going to say 'yes' as he's set your daughter up to be disappointed if you don't.

KokoandAllBall · 18/07/2018 14:27

Most unpleasant and abusive people have some kind of trauma in their past. It doesn't excuse their behaviour. Witnessing his DF abuse his DM does not mean he gets a green card to emotionally abuse you.

You can't fix another damaged adult. Sometimes - most of the time - the only healthy thing to do is disengage. Your dd may adore him now, because she only knows one side of him. Stay together and she will probably get to witness the other side. People with anger problems cannot rein in a temper tantrum just because a child is in the house.

SandyY2K · 18/07/2018 14:46

Any chance you could issue him an ultimatum to seek counselling for his outbursts?

This would require him to admit he has a problem though. If he can't admit that to you... or to himself... there's no point.

He witnessed abuse and has become an abuser too ... you cant be accepting of that behaviour...which you've identified.

Calling you those nasty names is not what you'd ever want your DD to witness or to be treated like in a future relationship.

If he loves you and realises losing you is a real possibility...he may change with professional help.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/07/2018 14:50

However, i'm not sure why, but i started to feel anxious about telling him i was meeting up with friends in case he saw it as i would rather see friends than him causing another drama.

So, he was controlling your actions. The thing is, they do it in such a devious and quiet way that you really don't see it. It's not like they say "You shall not pass!!!" or words to that effect. It's a look, a sigh, even a remark that seems 'loving'. They make you feel responsible for their happiness then say "Oh I miss you when you aren't here". Bingo! Going out with friends = making him unhappy. It's very subtle.

Personally, I'd LTB without a second thought. Life is too short to be held captive to another person's past. Listen, we ALL have issues, nobody's life has been a complete bed of roses. But most of us deal with them either with counseling or on our own. We don't use them as a weapon to control another person. If he wanted to change he would have sought the help he so badly needs to work through his childhood issues. Don't waste your time trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

Another poster is right, he's embroiled your DD in order to keep you tied to him to avoid making her unhappy. Another of his 'hostages'. How cruel to both of you. But you simply tell her that you and he were no longer making each other happy and when that happens it's best to part. One thing I'd do for sure is make sure that he has no way to contact her after you split. He will use her to get you back.

AdoraBell · 18/07/2018 14:54

Write down the awful things he’s said. Refer to it every time he pleads or plays nice to real you in.

Bloody well done 👍

Cricrichan · 19/07/2018 13:12

You're already changing your (perfectly reasonable) behaviour

User183737 · 19/07/2018 13:19

I think youve made the right decision. Well done.
Although for your dd to 'adore him' suggests she has been too close to someone who isnt her dad, not even a stepdad, and who you dont live with. Please make sure next time you are in a healthy relationship before involving your child, i mean that in a nice way x

Original poster

notthisagain83 · 19/07/2018 13:32

Thank you everyone.

We have not spoken since Friday last week. I want to get in touch to just say its over for me but im not ready to receive the backlash from that right now. If he was to message me it will be vile stuff and will tell me not to contact him again. Although i don't ever contact him after he says that so he may try another tactic!

I also need to work out what im going to do about the holiday that we booked and my DD is looking forward to..

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 19/07/2018 13:43

I really don't like this business of going through your DD to make proposal arrangements. That's adult stuff, totally unfair to involve her at all.

Keep it up op, you know you and your DD can do much better than this.

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