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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am 7 months pregnant and my husband says hes not as happy as he used to be and wants to be by himself.

110 replies

mrsfoster2010 · 16/07/2018 03:31

I am 7 months pregnant and my husband had been acting very distant with me and weird. The way he was acting made me feel like he didn't love me anymore and was making me act crazy. I even asked him if he was cheating on me. He finally broke down and told me that hes just not as happy as he used to be and that for right now he would just like to be by himself. For the past 5 days he has spent the night at a friends house. I miss him so much! I think he is sort of stressing out about becoming a parent for the first time, as this is our first child. We have been together for almost 4 years and he has always talked about having children with me! I am hoping once the baby is born he will change. Once he sees all the love and that we can be a family. I feel he is depressed and is struggling with the fact he is going to be a parent and loose some of his freedom. I am just feeling alone and sort of depressed. Has anyone went thru a experience like this?

OP posts:
trojanpony · 16/07/2018 07:24

Actually thinking on this I don’t I suggest a short sharp shock

Downtonabbey has good advice and this is actually how I would proceed
I know you're hoping this is a blip and he'll be back soon. You need to protect yourself. Assume he's not coming back voluntarily and act accordingly. Don't waste precious time, energy and emotion worrying about his feelings.

SamSmithYawnsWhenHeSings · 16/07/2018 07:36

What George said - emotional affair!

Original poster
mrsfoster2010 · 16/07/2018 07:36

He is staying with one of his guy friends Dustin. I feel deep down there is no one else or he would have told me by now. I think if he wanted to leave that he would be at his grannys house who always has a bed and room available for him. He said he still wants to try and work on our relationship for our family. Has anyone dealt with a similar thing and how were things when the baby arrived. I have heard enough that people think he is cheating please try and be supportive and positive.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsfoster2010 · 16/07/2018 07:37

He was simply asking this friend what he should do and how things are once the baby will come. Things like that. I mean I have confided in other friends as well.

OP posts:
Toohotme · 16/07/2018 07:40

What he is saying doesn’t match his actions. How can he genuinely want to work on your relationship when he is not even there?

Who is he staying with?

Character309 · 16/07/2018 07:43

I think that is positive that he wants to work on the relationship (mine did not)
My advice is to find a marriage counsellor as a first step.

It is manageable with a new baby on your own but you will need some help from family/friends/paid help - eg doula

Mabelface · 16/07/2018 07:44

The woman my husband was talking to is the one he ended up fucking. Look after yourself x

CantankerousCamel · 16/07/2018 07:46

He’s obviously got some stuff to work out but how cruel to you? You can’t ‘be on your own’ because you’re pregnant.

He is showing signs that he will just fuck off if the going gets tough.

Not sure I would be able to trust him OP.

Lauren6298 · 16/07/2018 07:47

Hi @mrsfoster2010, I’m in exactly the same position.

My husband and I talked about having a baby, it was planned. I got pregnant after a few months of trying and he instantly panicked and doesn’t want the baby. I think he’s scared about losing his independence and the change in our lifestyle. We have argued about it constantly and I’m due next month and it still isn’t resolved. Like you, I don’t think it’s an affair at all. He’s just scared and needs to grow up and take responsibility! Everyone keeps telling me that once the baby is here it will all be fine so I am holding onto that. I don’t know what I’ll do if it carries on when she’s here, that will probably be the end of our marriage as our daughter comes first now. It’s such a scary thought at what is already a scary time. Sorry I can’t give any real advice but you’re not alone in this!

Original poster
mrsfoster2010 · 16/07/2018 07:51

@Lauren6298 this is exactly how I feel and my situation is! Our baby was planned also. I totally think he is having a lifestyle shock like woah its not gonna be about me anymore. And I don't think he wants to admit it! I think he just needs to grow up and take the responsibility as well! I think he will change once the baby is here, that's why everyone keeps saying but it is still hard basically being alone!

OP posts:
CantankerousCamel · 16/07/2018 08:01

Yes the issue is that he is abandoning YOU at a time when you really need him. You should be focusing on your maternity leave approaching, making sure you have everything you need and he is a big part of that. Him fannying about like he has no responsibility is not okay

Doingreat · 16/07/2018 08:02

This sounds like a nightmare OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how difficult it must be being pregnant and the very person who is supposed to support you is breaking your heart.

OW or not he has betrayed you and your baby. He has betrayed your trust. Can you trust him not to behave like this again if he were to return?

I think you should make preparations for this to be a permanent thing. Get IRL support and plan to bring your baby up on your own. If he does return then you are in a stronger position and can decide whether you actually want him back. And not just grateful to have him back.

Original poster
mrsfoster2010 · 16/07/2018 08:13

Its like before every big life event he like panics and freaks out and does something crazy. Then it happens and he is back to normal. He did it before we got married. He acts like he is even sort of depressed

OP posts:
Gazelda · 16/07/2018 08:19

What do you want OP, long term? At the very least I'd demand he gets counselling if he reacts similarly at every life event. You can't rely on him. You can't share dreams and hopes. You can't share the worries. Not much of a partnership as far as I can see.

CantankerousCamel · 16/07/2018 08:23

OP do you feel like this man has your back?

Admittedly I am the one who is more ‘flighty’ than my DH but our marriage is based on us sticking together through the hard times and trust me, there will be hard times.

How can you be sure he will be there for you if he fucks off every time he gets freaked?

SamSmithYawnsWhenHeSings · 16/07/2018 08:34

What did the mutual friend advise him to do? Put some space between you or couples counselling? I'm very sorry this is happening to you and I hope you have the support of good friends and family 💐

Scoopofchaff · 16/07/2018 08:37

I agree with PPS op - I wouldn't be too accommodating - whether there is someone involved or not - he has/is doing a despicable thing. Don't be too available and eager to have him back. Don't let him assume that that will automatically be the case. (However hard that must be when you must feel very vulnerable.).

What is wrong with all these men? Angry

Let him know (coldly and firmly) that while he is making up his mind about what he wants and contemplating his navel , he has let you and your baby down horribly at one of the most important times of your life and you will find it very hard, if not impossible, to re-build trust. Do not dance to his tune. It should be you who decides whether you want him back or not. Don't let it be his decision alone.

Original poster
mrsfoster2010 · 16/07/2018 08:46

Long term I want my family together. I pray every day that once the baby gets here he snaps out of it and sees how he really messed up. I think he has an issue before every life changing event. Im not sure what it is but its like he cant deal! I have decided today that I will no longer be accommodating and so nice and apologize like I did something wrong. Granted im not easy to put up with but no excuse for how he is acting. If he wants to stay with his friend I am only going to text or get ahold of him if I need something or something is wrong. I am gonna make him come to me. Because I am too nice sometimes and I am so eager for him to come home its almost like im begging him. And why would he come home when there are no consequences to his actions and I act the same and say nice things. Nope. he wants me he can get a hold of me. I have to try and stay positive and take care of myself for this baby ya know

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 16/07/2018 08:47

If I'm being charitable he is scared of the responsibility so has run away. What he should be doing if that is all it is is talk to you about his concerns and get help and advice. No live the single life.

Scoopofchaff · 16/07/2018 08:49

Well done MrsFoster be strong x

Onemansoapopera · 16/07/2018 08:54

For"life changing event" read "commitment to you" . OP, you're going to get badly hurt in the long run by this man. I know you want it to do a 360, but if he can leave you alone at what should be an exciting time for both of you,he can drop you like a stone at any time. And will. Keep an eye on the mutual friend, she will give you all the clues you need.

cakecakecheese · 16/07/2018 09:00

You are being too nice. He has effectively abandoned his wife and unborn child but you have been acting like he can just waltz back in whenever he's ready.

Your priority here is your baby and your own health, if he does decide he wants to come back don't let him stroll back in as once the baby arrives the sleepless nights might make him 'unhappy' and he'll be off again, you need guarantees that he won't keep running off when things are a little tough. I would contact a solicitor, not saying you need to divorce or anything, but just to get some advice about where you stand with everything.

NotTheFordType · 16/07/2018 09:23

It really fucks me off that men think they can just walk away and wash their hands.

I'd be tempted to send him a message saying "Now we've been apart a few days, I realise that I'd also like to be on my own. I think we should start as we mean to go on, so once our child arrives, I'll be looking for a 50/50 split of residence from the start. That will be much more stable for the child and for both of us. I'd suggest you have DD/DS Friday evening to Tuesday morning, and I'll take the rest - that should work out better for you in terms of mat leave, etc. We can review once I restart work in 6/12 months."

He'll fucking shit himself.

arranfan · 16/07/2018 09:32

Has he given a timescale as to how long he's going to behave like this without having a clear conversation with you?

Confide in family and friends.

Hope for the best, expect the worst as to the underlying reasons.

He's saying he's unhappy but it sounds like he wants to escape from the everyday of being an adult. As PP say, you might want to suggest that he participates in marriage counselling with you. You might need individual counselling and support if you doubt his good faith (e.g., if you suspect OW but he doesn't admit it).

It seems, all too often, that some people have 2nd phones - is that feasible? Or does he have Snapchat or WhatsApp or something that auto-deletes?

I hope this is a blip, OP and that he gets his head together if he's just overwhelmed by the prospect of being a first-time parent.

Doingreat · 16/07/2018 09:37

@Notthefordtype's advice on what to text your partner is excellent. Please do it and see how he reacts. If he thinks bringing a baby into a stable relationship is too much for him to deal with, let him contemplate a future where he has to look after his child ON HIS OWN half the time. Surely he can't object to looking after his own baby? He might not want to be in a relationship with you but he cannot be allowed to think he can abdicate all responsibility to his child.