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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum accidentally sends a message into a group chat slagging me off unaware I was in it.

64 replies

Carysm86 · 15/07/2018 22:02

For several years my mum and I’s Relationship has been strained. There are several different reasons but most has stemmed from when she threw me out her house then lied to my dad and family saying I left and never spoke to me for around 20 months. We moved on from that 4/5 years ago with no real discussion nor apology. Since then I have often found it hard to spend time in her company but try to make an effort especially on occasions. I got married in May and tried my best to make her feel just as much a part of it as any mother of the bride should.
June was a busy month with my birthday my DD and my HB. On my birthday I was working and as I work 12.5hr shifts I thought it would be best if everyone could meet at my mothers (her house is much bigger and nicer). She was happy for this arrangement and offered to buy Chinese for everyone. Winner winner chicken dinner!!
So the following week was my daughters 3rd birthday we had visited the safari so offered to let everyone know when we got home. Both my sisters were there on arrival and my MIL and FIL arrived shortly after as well as my other sister we done the cake I cut it up and popped it on the coffee table. My mother messaged me saying she would pop round 20:00 as she was waiting on a delivery from amazon. Rocks up at 20:40 our DD is usually sound asleep by 20:00 which we have done for ever however it was her birthday we had visitors in so tried to stay polite. My mum and dad came apologising saying they had waitied in all day and her present never came however as soon as it did they would pop down with it. Everyone left in dribbs and drabs but my my mum and dad left at 21:45, I was working the next day 🤦🏽‍♀️.
Few days later we started a messenger page as my sister is turning 40 in a few months. We were sharing ideas on what to do then my mum drops in with

“The amazon delivery still not come. Would have been nice to have been offered a cup of tea on Saturday. Not even offered cake!! The rudeness does my nut in. Especially when it was Her birthday I bought Chinese. Is a cup of tea too much to ask for. Rant over”

I screen shoted it and left the group. Never heard anything from my mum or dad....still no present she messaged me saying

“Hi Carys I know you’ve probably seen the message on the messenger. I didn’t mean it to go on that page I was sounding off. Anyway I want to talk to you. When is a good time. Will I come round tomorrow?”

I tell her she needs to apologise and if this isn’t in her plans just leave it. She messages me saying she won’t be down that night as she has work commitments. This was the 26/6/18. I have heard nothing from her apart from a message inviting my daughter to a bbq 😳🤦🏽‍♀️ You actually can’t paint a red face on some people!
I’m simmering but I feel like I’m ready to bubble over!! AIBU tho? Is it unreasonable to be annoyed at this message? Should I just leave it? She makes little or no effort to have a bond with me or my daughter. I’m just not sure what’s my next step and it’s starting to eat away at me 😩🤦🏽‍♀️

Any advice muchly appreciated 😘❤️

OP posts:
huggybear · 15/07/2018 22:07

I think it's a bit all of U all round really.

I understand you're not close and in that way I understand her message.

They are BU to turn up at 8.40 but also you are BU not to offer tea and cake.

I think these sort of relationships are toxic and I see no point in pursing them unless it's mutually beneficial for everyone.

bonfireheart · 15/07/2018 22:10

Did you offer her tea and cake?

confusedscared2018 · 15/07/2018 22:16

I think the issues of the past are unresolved and they will always be there underneath making other situations more tense. Maybe you both need to speak about alllll of it so you can both move past it properly

NicoAndTheNiners · 15/07/2018 22:17

I think someone turning up at 8:40pm is the rude thing, especially when the OP had work the next day!

I’m not suprised you didn’t offer her a cup of tea. I’d have wanted her To go away!

LostwithSawyer · 15/07/2018 22:17

Sounds like neither of you are interested in a relationship.
I can see her point in a way. No offer of a drink? Also its one night of going to bed late, not really a big deal.
But why bother with her if she doesn't add anything positive to your life.
Cut contact.

Original poster
Carysm86 · 15/07/2018 22:20

I didn’t offer tea or cake as the cake was sat on the table for people to help themselves and I thought they were popping in. It wasn’t deliberate there was a lot going on.

OP posts:
LML83 · 15/07/2018 22:22

YANBU. If I was caught out like your mum I would be very apologetic and keen to make up.

She probably can't handle a confrontation or struggles with apologies.

Do what works for you. Cut/reduce contact, let it blow over, or directly ask her about it.
If it was me I would try to think about her less, be civil but not much more.

LaMainDeFatima · 15/07/2018 22:26

It’s the sort of thing my mum and dad get up right about . I don’t drink tea but offer it to them at every opportunity as otherwise they get the hump . I don’t agree with it but do it to keep the peace . I’m probably a tea mug

Sisterlove · 15/07/2018 22:26

The biggest issue for me would be her lies in the past after she threw you out. I couldn't forgive that without a serious apology.

The message isn't as bad as I though from the title. ..but I find it unacceptable for your mum to moan about you to other family members.

Personally... I would have offered a drink. ..but your relationship with her is strained.

Why would she out of the blue without a back story. ..kick you out and lie though. There must be more to it. ..and if there isn't. ..I wouldn't have had her be any part of my life from then onwards. ..without her confessing to all that she lied.

3dogsandcounting · 15/07/2018 22:33

You’re both being super sensitive. If you had a good relationship, you would have understood her lateness and she would have been able to say, ‘stick the kettle on’. Unless you can both completely leave the past behind you, this sort of thing will always happen.

Original poster
Carysm86 · 15/07/2018 22:33

I think your right LostwithSawyer we aren’t interested in a relationship neither of us and it’s been this way for a long time. It’s sometimes hard to tell people you don’t get along with your mum you often get those judgemental looks 😳. LmL83 the civil approach seems like the best way forward xx

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 15/07/2018 22:43

Fuck her.. she's a pain in your arse... a nasty woman ... she's not going to change and you know she rips you up behind your back.....

ignore block and move on with your own happy life.. you don't need scum like this sucking the life out yours or your daughters life....Flowers

cakedup · 15/07/2018 22:51

I don't think her message was that out of order really. And then at least she came forward to talk to you about it, but you demanded an apology before giving her a chance.

It was a bit rude to not offer them tea...mind you my mum just walks in and sticks the kettle on herself. People are late from time to time, it wasn't exactly midnight. I dunno...I think this is more about the past. What actually happened her was not really that bad.

Original poster
Carysm86 · 15/07/2018 22:53

SisterLove I forgave her at a time without much discussion or apology cos I was a bit vulnerable. I was really unwell, getting tested for MS and my Aunty contacted her as sometimes you just need your mum.
Thank you for your advice 💕

OP posts:
LostwithSawyer · 15/07/2018 22:56

I know what you mean. I've had no contact with my "mother" for the past 15 yrs.
Some people don't realise that just because she gave birth to you it doesn't make you close.

Fishface77 · 15/07/2018 22:59

She sounds horrid.
Focus on yourself and your own family.
I wouldn’t have left the group chat though. I would have said the Chinese doesn’t make up for throwing me out the house then lying about it you old cow.
Then let her cut me of.

anotherangel2 · 15/07/2018 23:01

You should have offered drinks but you also need to firmer with boundaries in terms of people staying late.

Who paid for the Chinese food?

greendale17 · 15/07/2018 23:01

I don't think her message was that out of order really. And then at least she came forward to talk to you about it, but you demanded an apology before giving her a chance.

^I agree. There was nothing wrong with her message

gandalf456 · 15/07/2018 23:02

YANBU. It was your birthday, you had probably been rushing around seeing to guests all evening and she turns up late. On top of that, you have a young child who needs to go to bed and have work the following day. I actually think she was a bit U for turning up late and expecting you to fawn around her. If it were me and the delivery hadnt come, I'd just leave a note on the door to leave with a neighbour and turn up with an apology.

Of course, she would have been welcome to tea and cake but it is easy to overlook these things if you are a bit tired and flustered. I have done this to guests, including family and have had it done to me. I do not take it personally. If it were my mum or sister, I would offer to make everyone a tea myself.

gandalf456 · 15/07/2018 23:03

I do think your mum is taking it this way because of your relationship, though, so it does sound as if you need to clear the air.

Original poster
Carysm86 · 15/07/2018 23:05

LostwithSawyer sorry to hear that. It’s quite sad, I couldn’t imagine not wanting to know how my daughter is that day, how her honeymoon was even how her daughters first day at nursery was. That’s what makes us all different I suppose. I’m maybe not dealing with it because I’ve not said my peace yet and I dead to think what she’s told my dad ☹️

OP posts:
MadMags · 15/07/2018 23:08

Her message was fine.

She wasn't giving out about you doing the cake without her.

It's extremely rude not to offer someone a drink when they're visiting your house. And if the cake had already been cut before she got there a quick "help yourself to cake" was appropriate.

You sound very dramatic. There was loads going on? At your own house with a few people over after a day at the safari? Come on! And they left before 10pm, hardly 3 in the morning.

Her message was fine. Your reaction to it is weird.

gandalf456 · 15/07/2018 23:10

I think you forget how tiring it is having a 3 yr old and working as well. Plus she'd had a long day out, too, also v tiring with a young child and lots of walking. I am with OP. Her mum should be more sympathetic and cut her some slack.

Cawfee · 15/07/2018 23:11

You should just try being honest as what have you got to lose? You should have replied “there was nothing stopping you putting the kettle on. Stop being so bitchy and uptight” you were tired and forgot to offer a drink. She’s being bitchy...you’re both equal really. Is there any point in getting uppity about it. Everyone can see she’s been a bitch. Why don’t you just draw a line under it and move on but be honest from now. If she upsets you or does something like turning up late then call her on it to her face “why are you so late? We’re really tired so you’ll have to leave at 9” what you’re doing right now isn’t working so try bare face honestly at her at all times. That way there’s no back biting and everyone knows where they stand

Original poster
Carysm86 · 15/07/2018 23:12

Anotherangel2 My mum and dad paid for the Chinese. My OH offered to contribute but my dad delclined.

OP posts: