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Original poster

Mum accidentally sends a message into a group chat slagging me off unaware I was in it.

64 replies

Carysm86 · 15/07/2018 22:02

For several years my mum and I’s Relationship has been strained. There are several different reasons but most has stemmed from when she threw me out her house then lied to my dad and family saying I left and never spoke to me for around 20 months. We moved on from that 4/5 years ago with no real discussion nor apology. Since then I have often found it hard to spend time in her company but try to make an effort especially on occasions. I got married in May and tried my best to make her feel just as much a part of it as any mother of the bride should.
June was a busy month with my birthday my DD and my HB. On my birthday I was working and as I work 12.5hr shifts I thought it would be best if everyone could meet at my mothers (her house is much bigger and nicer). She was happy for this arrangement and offered to buy Chinese for everyone. Winner winner chicken dinner!!
So the following week was my daughters 3rd birthday we had visited the safari so offered to let everyone know when we got home. Both my sisters were there on arrival and my MIL and FIL arrived shortly after as well as my other sister we done the cake I cut it up and popped it on the coffee table. My mother messaged me saying she would pop round 20:00 as she was waiting on a delivery from amazon. Rocks up at 20:40 our DD is usually sound asleep by 20:00 which we have done for ever however it was her birthday we had visitors in so tried to stay polite. My mum and dad came apologising saying they had waitied in all day and her present never came however as soon as it did they would pop down with it. Everyone left in dribbs and drabs but my my mum and dad left at 21:45, I was working the next day 🤦🏽‍♀️.
Few days later we started a messenger page as my sister is turning 40 in a few months. We were sharing ideas on what to do then my mum drops in with

“The amazon delivery still not come. Would have been nice to have been offered a cup of tea on Saturday. Not even offered cake!! The rudeness does my nut in. Especially when it was Her birthday I bought Chinese. Is a cup of tea too much to ask for. Rant over”

I screen shoted it and left the group. Never heard anything from my mum or dad....still no present she messaged me saying

“Hi Carys I know you’ve probably seen the message on the messenger. I didn’t mean it to go on that page I was sounding off. Anyway I want to talk to you. When is a good time. Will I come round tomorrow?”

I tell her she needs to apologise and if this isn’t in her plans just leave it. She messages me saying she won’t be down that night as she has work commitments. This was the 26/6/18. I have heard nothing from her apart from a message inviting my daughter to a bbq 😳🤦🏽‍♀️ You actually can’t paint a red face on some people!
I’m simmering but I feel like I’m ready to bubble over!! AIBU tho? Is it unreasonable to be annoyed at this message? Should I just leave it? She makes little or no effort to have a bond with me or my daughter. I’m just not sure what’s my next step and it’s starting to eat away at me 😩🤦🏽‍♀️

Any advice muchly appreciated 😘❤️

OP posts:
MadMags · 15/07/2018 23:12

Possibly due to underlying medical issues. Otherwise, nah sorry. A day out and having a job and a child don't render you incapable of making tea.

But OP clearly has a husband. And he could presumably manage to boil water.

anotherangel2 · 15/07/2018 23:12

Thanks. I was asking about the Chinese food for clarity as I thought you had said you were going to pay for it.

Paperdoll16 · 15/07/2018 23:15

If I visited a family member who didn't offer a cuppa I would probably feel unwelcome and that it was rude too.

Fitflapflop · 15/07/2018 23:15

She’s your mum. Why wouldn’t you offer tea with the cake? I even offer people I don’t like tea when they come around. Her message was fine. You seem to have not forgiven her for whatever happened years ago but it seems like she’s trying. You seem uptight about times too. If you were working the next day then why invite everyone around after a bloody day at the safari? You can’t just slot people into specific times like that. You do seem like hard work. Either forgive her and move on, or just stay nc and save her and yourself this pain.

gandalf456 · 15/07/2018 23:16

It can make you forget, though. My mum forgets all the time. I just put the kettle on. If I forget to offer her a drink, she asks for one or makes a joke about being parched or something and I'll just laugh but then we are close and I think this is what's very telling about this thread. The OP and the mum aren't close so it's all very tightlipped and resentful. I think the OP's mum's attitude is very formal with her expectations of her daughter's behaviour . It should be far more relaxed with family.

Original poster
Carysm86 · 15/07/2018 23:21

MadMags I never said I was incapable of making tea 😂 there was a lot of people in the house I had made 3 rounds of tea prior to their arrival I was clearing toys, tidying rubbish trying to have conversations and have my daughter ready for bed. Making another round of tea just wasn’t on my radar at that time 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
MadMags · 15/07/2018 23:30

As I said, you're very dramatic!

Having to talk, AND clean up a couple of toys, AND make tea. Good God who could manage such a thing? Hmm

@gandalf that's all well and good for you. Clearly the OP and her mother don't have that type of relationship.

Original poster
Carysm86 · 15/07/2018 23:32

MadMags 🎣 🎣 🎣

OP posts:
MadMags · 15/07/2018 23:34

I can't see whatever it is you're trying to type?

SandAndSea · 15/07/2018 23:35

What stands out to me about the msg is the way she jumps straight into it. Does everyone know how things are between you?? (I might be imagining this - it's just how it reads to me but it is out of context.)

Apart from that though, it isn't really rude as such and perhaps you were?? Obviously, I don't know the answer to this but I am someone who values good hosting. I think it's important. When you go to someone's house, it's not always obvious what the deal is and it's not the done thing to help yourself to food and drink without it being offered by the host.

It sounds like your parents really tried to give you a nice do on your birthday. They waited in for the present in the hope of getting that on the day and made the effort to come over to you. I think if I was them, I'd be upset about not being offered a drink too.

You're obviously still very upset about her throwing you out years ago, which is understandable. Why do you think she did that?

gandalf456 · 15/07/2018 23:35

No, they don't but I don't think the OP is being dramatic, really. I remember feeling the same about late evening guests when my kids were that age. You soon forget.

But I do think there is another dynamic going on and that they need to have a chat to clear the air. Maybe you, OP, could apologise for being flustered and not offering tea. I don't think you were being U really but hopefully your mum will take it as an olive branch and you can start to move on a bit.

Anyway, how we feel about OP's and her actions or her mum's is by the by as none of this is going to help either of them

PineapplePower · 15/07/2018 23:36

I expected worse from the title. Her message just seems like a play-by-play of the evening and they were late solely because they were waiting for your DD’s present, not because of malice. Why not offer tea/cake after Chinese? Did it slip your mind or was it because you were a bit peeved they were late?

It really seems like the past has made what should have been a fairly innocuous incident much worse.

Why does she need to apologize? She’s done nothing wrong except send a stray text msg! We all need to let off steam about our family members once in awhile, this is NU IMO

asprinklingofsugar · 15/07/2018 23:39

She might think that not being offered tea and cake (that was sitting out for anyone to take) is rude, but personally I think it's far ruder to turn up 40 minutes late - especially in the evening for a child's birthday celebration. And if she was desperate for a drink, surely she could have asked you or your OH to make her one? Yes, it would have been nice if you'd offered but you were busy and if it was that big a deal for her she could have asked instead of making a fuss about it later. It sounds like she arrived towards the end when everything was winding down and the time for refreshments and celebrations were pretty much over, which will have been because she didn't turn up until closer to 9

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 15/07/2018 23:44

Thank god I live in a country where people don't tend to get up in arms if someone fails to offer them a hot drink.

Unless she's incapacitated, I can't see why she couldn't make herself a cup of tea if she wanted one but could see you were running around busy.

PremierNaps · 15/07/2018 23:45

To be fair OP you seem to be the unreasonable one. Your mum is trying, you could have made her a cup of tea

HellenaHandbasket · 15/07/2018 23:51

I'm kind of with the others here. They made a good effort for your birthday, were late over (not massively) because they were waiting for a parcel, presumably for your daughter. Then you're 'too busy' to make a cup of tea? It's hardly rocket science. They were there for an hour (2140 is hardly late before work) and you offered them nothing, after they bought Chinese for you all not long before? And regardless of that, they were guests, and your parents?

You are in the wrong here tbh. You are overreacting because of your history, which is understandable.

Original poster
Carysm86 · 15/07/2018 23:52

Sandandsea the group was with me and my sisters so yeah they have a good idea of the situation they were there for part/most of the visit. Usually her frostiness is with one of, it happens to be my turn again 🙄 Pineapple power I wasn’t annoyed that they were later. I tried to let it go over my head I understood they were waiting for a parcel I messaged my mum and dad around 17:45 and she told me then it wasn’t an issue xx

OP posts:
Bunbunbunny · 15/07/2018 23:57

So your dm has only invited your daughter to a bbq? No one else picked that up? Pop over to the relationship page & look at the stately home threads, your dm sounds similar to mine but I’ve been no contact with mine for nearly 8 years. Slagging your daughter off in a group chat is bloody rude, if she had an issue or wanted a cup of tea she could have asked. It’s not that difficult!

How old was you when she threw you out? Just because she gave birth to you doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with her. You do have a choice, I recommend therapy as rejection from a parent is hard to deal with, even if it’s been years.

Floralnomad · 15/07/2018 23:58

I think you are in the wrong here but it would appear that neither of you really want to fix this relationship . It’s not clear from your OP but did you tell your dad / siblings that she threw you out and did you also not speak to your dad for all the time that you were NC with your mum . If so why is that ?

blueskypink · 15/07/2018 23:59

Do people really sit in close family members' houses wanting a cup of tea and saying/doing nothing? In my family we'd just go into each other's kitchen, put the kettle on and ask if anyone else wants one. At a push we might say, 'mind if I stick the kettle on'? And NO way would I slag off a child of mine behind their back.

Bunbunbunny · 16/07/2018 00:00

So she does then same treatment to your siblings? Silent treatment?

NellMangel · 16/07/2018 00:01

Yanbu. Unless there is some reason why she is incapable of making herself a cuppa.

I'm always knackered on DC birthdays cos I run round sorting everything out - family should chip in and help instead of being waited on.

SandAndSea · 16/07/2018 00:04

family should chip in and help instead of being waited on.

^^ I can definitely see this side too. But, I think it depends on your relationship.

MadMags · 16/07/2018 00:07

In my family we'd just go into each other's kitchen, put the kettle on and ask if anyone else wants one

It's almost like different families have different dynamics...

blueskypink · 16/07/2018 00:14

It's almost like different families have different dynamics...

And yet so many of the posters on here are slating the op for not offering tea ....

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