Mum accidentally sends a message into a group chat slagging me off unaware I was in it.

[Carysm86]

For several years my mum and I’s Relationship has been strained. There are several different reasons but most has stemmed from when she threw me out her house then lied to my dad and family saying I left and never spoke to me for around 20 months. We moved on from that 4/5 years ago with no real discussion nor apology. Since then I have often found it hard to spend time in her company but try to make an effort especially on occasions. I got married in May and tried my best to make her feel just as much a part of it as any mother of the bride should.
June was a busy month with my birthday my DD and my HB. On my birthday I was working and as I work 12.5hr shifts I thought it would be best if everyone could meet at my mothers (her house is much bigger and nicer). She was happy for this arrangement and offered to buy Chinese for everyone. Winner winner chicken dinner!!
So the following week was my daughters 3rd birthday we had visited the safari so offered to let everyone know when we got home. Both my sisters were there on arrival and my MIL and FIL arrived shortly after as well as my other sister we done the cake I cut it up and popped it on the coffee table. My mother messaged me saying she would pop round 20:00 as she was waiting on a delivery from amazon. Rocks up at 20:40 our DD is usually sound asleep by 20:00 which we have done for ever however it was her birthday we had visitors in so tried to stay polite. My mum and dad came apologising saying they had waitied in all day and her present never came however as soon as it did they would pop down with it. Everyone left in dribbs and drabs but my my mum and dad left at 21:45, I was working the next day 🤦🏽‍♀️.
Few days later we started a messenger page as my sister is turning 40 in a few months. We were sharing ideas on what to do then my mum drops in with

“The amazon delivery still not come. Would have been nice to have been offered a cup of tea on Saturday. Not even offered cake!! The rudeness does my nut in. Especially when it was Her birthday I bought Chinese. Is a cup of tea too much to ask for. Rant over”

I screen shoted it and left the group. Never heard anything from my mum or dad....still no present she messaged me saying

“Hi Carys I know you’ve probably seen the message on the messenger. I didn’t mean it to go on that page I was sounding off. Anyway I want to talk to you. When is a good time. Will I come round tomorrow?”

I tell her she needs to apologise and if this isn’t in her plans just leave it. She messages me saying she won’t be down that night as she has work commitments. This was the 26/6/18. I have heard nothing from her apart from a message inviting my daughter to a bbq 😳🤦🏽‍♀️ You actually can’t paint a red face on some people!
I’m simmering but I feel like I’m ready to bubble over!! AIBU tho? Is it unreasonable to be annoyed at this message? Should I just leave it? She makes little or no effort to have a bond with me or my daughter. I’m just not sure what’s my next step and it’s starting to eat away at me 😩🤦🏽‍♀️

Any advice muchly appreciated 😘❤️

Bunbunny yeah it kinda switches up but there is usually 1 of us 🙄 sorry to hear about your relationship with your mum. I was 24 at the time. I had moved out when I was 20 got a house with my sister but was wanting to do my training as a nurse and my sister was struggling financially and I couldn’t afford university as well as the house. She offered to give booth my sister and I our rooms back and threw me out 3 months later.
Floralnomad so yeah I went and stayed at my sisters for a few days then moved in with my OH. I saw my dad twice in the time we didn’t speak and he just blanked me. I think it’s a loyalty thing I’m not really sure, my sisters knew and I’m sure they heard both sides of the story but I didn’t speak about her to them it was easier that way. Xx

Who can be arsed with that kind of snidiness? I'd probably laugh if I saw that message and be glad of an excuse to not have much to do with her.

You actually can’t paint a red face on some people!

I've never heard this expression before, I am going to have to steal it

Perhaps you should write them a letter and get all your feelings out on paper , it may be terminal for the relationship but might be therapeutic for you .

HollyGibney you steal away!!

That’s a good suggestion Floralnomad thank you xx

I'd be gutted if this were my mum. I'd hope she'd ask for it if she wanted it and I hadn't offered. Yanbu. She's your mum!

I think I'd need an alone talk, just the two of you and air ALL your grievances and try and move on. If you can't, you can't.

Mags . You've made your point . You can leave it now. I disagree with you and it won't be the last time

Op I get it

As another pp said upthread get yourselves over to the Stately homes thread.
You have done nothing wrong. Who the fuck bitches about their daughter and in a group conversation to boot.
Anyone who thinks not offering a cup of tea is a felony worse than that are the sort of people to avoid, Op.
I can't see a.ny dramatics from you Op at all. Op seems to be doing all she can to be a good mum and you lot are berating her not sticking to correct hosting etiquette Late arrival of parents is odd too . Very passive aggressive. A more normal response is to go over to gathering and promise the 3 year old it would be with then soon. Sounds like enough was going on at the time that a missed present wouldn't be an issue . So gps are having a strange relationship with that really. Surely a visit to granddaughter is seeing her and giving her a cuddle . Could have read her A story perhaps? That would have been more special than a gift from online.
The sort of people not bothered by this are usually the people who are the fuckwads . Anyone notice the leaving of hone when she was younger, ill and vulnerable . Either she left (must gave been awful at home) or she was no longer living in their family (poss back story but in this case Op I'm inclined to think that she /him are just unpleasant). In which case, of no longer being welcome at home, what situation would be so bad ay a young person has to be evicted ? Either way doesn't sound nice honesty, to me.
would attempt now to have a period of non contact whilst getting my head round everything .
Anyway please forgive waffling. Should be asleep. Probably missed loads of posts as this has taken ages.
Happy birthday to you both

I

Can't believe there are so many here who think YABU!! It's making my blood boil even thinking of a mother deliberately slagging off her daughter to other members of the family! You should have offered her tea (although it sounds like you weren't deliberate in not offering it), but IMO that is a minor offence considering her lateness and certainly doesn't deserve the petty bitching about it.

Mags . You've made your point . You can leave it now. I disagree with you and it won't be the last time

😂😂😂

Congratulations on your promotion to Thread Police.

I shall quake in my boots waiting for you to disagree with me again because, as you can imagine, the effect that has on my life is astronomical.

You do know that you don’t actually get to control who posts on the threads and when, don’t you?

I don't think yabu OP
I would be annoyed to by that message. I often don't offer family cups of tea or coffee when they come round, mainly for the fact i don't drink hot drinks so it always slips my mind! If OH is here he will offer. I do ask once i remember though but it is not something remember asap. You should maybe try talking to her and your dad and see where you go from here? Although i sort of think why didn't you cut them off after she kicked you out for no reason and nobody spoke to you? I was a little shit when younger and no matter how much me and my mother faught she always let me back home if i needed to be there. Isn't that what parents do to a certain extent? I could never imagine doing that to my DD xx

Yanbu, OP. I have a similar mother and have spent the last nine years trying to cut her off, failing, and then having to hear second hand all the crap she says about me. It is mentally exhausting having a relationship with someone who has been nasty to you or you just don't get on with. Every action is analysed for some deeper meaning or hidden slight, every subsequent conflict, no matter how trivial, reignites everything all over again. I may be projecting but sometimes we keep our guard up because we're constantly expecting shit from them, it's no way to live. The text was a very shitty thing for her to say/do and I know why you're upset. Even if she apologised, would you still want to speak to her?

Gosh mags you really do have a hair trigger response to perceived injustice.
I wasn't telling you what to do. I was making a point that you were becoming strident and tedious.
Why would i want you to be quaking in your boots? I was saying that I seldom agree with you.
But with that foghorn voice of yours, you no doubt miss a lot of nuance.
Which is a shame for someone so opinionated really .

I have heard nothing from her apart from a message inviting my daughter to a bbq

This is the one thing that does tip into unreasonable behavior from your mum. Bad form to invite DD but not you. Just hear what she has to say and maybe dive into the past as it’s clearly a sticking point for the both of you. Good luck xx

Your mum sounds childish.
Lots of woman like to complain - I tell my hubby I don't mind my m'n'law complaining about me - I complain about her so its only fair!
But it sounds to me you do want a relationship with your mum - she on the otherhand seems to have a chip on her shoulder about you. You need to sit down with a third party and get to the bottom of these feelings. You have to be prepared though - since she sounds childish - things might not go as you hoped. My approach would also be - lower your expectations of your mum and you won't be as disappointed as often and your relationship might improve.