Should it be like this at 3 months?

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I'm looking for a little bit of perspective please.

I have been official with my boyfriend for coming up to 3 months. Things were great at first but I soon started having some niggles.

I came out of a bad 6 year relationship 18 months ago and I know I still have some walls up due to this.

Firstly, he would message me when I was active on social media but hadn't text him.

He read a text to my sons dad over my shoulder and made a comment about the length of it (it was about food my son had ate and arrangements for next day).

He's struggled to keep it up when we are intimate several times. Haven't thought much of this because it happens but it's been happening more when he overthinks. He's saying I shouldn't say this to him as it makes him feel bad.

He seems quite insecure and needs a lot of reassurance. I struggle with this as I am not his mother and it really irritates me.

To top it off we went out with friends last week and we spoke about holidays and I said yes that's somewhere me and ex went. He completely lost it. Said that my friends and I shouldn't mention my ex in front of him. He is my sons dad, he is going to come up in conversation. He started shouting, then crying when I sent him home. Stormed in and out saying he needed to sort it now whilst patting my leg.

I sent him home and now, over a week later, I'm still really angry. I am not coping with having to constantly reassure him as I don't think I should.

He's downplayed all of this, blamed it on the drink and that he had a LDR so he's new to this. However in my eyes alcohol is no excuse.

He's said it will never happen again but struggling to believe it. I don't think he understands my points at all. He wants to move forward but I am struggling with doing hay because I feel like he just wants it to blow over because he hates feeling bad.

However, I spent my time single working on myself and making myself strong again so now I am wondering if I am being too harsh and I need to help him?

At 3 months you should be having nice dinners and riding each other senseless. To be honest, if someone was behaving like that with me at 3 years I’d be off like a shot. He is telling you who he is - a jealous, insecure, controlling excuse of a man. Run for the hills before he gets his feet under the table. It’ll only get worse.

Relationships ARE hard work but to be honest this constant reassurance stuff is tiring.. I'm still doing it nearly 2 years later and I'm just about done myself! Cut your losses and call it a day already

Cut your losses.
He will surely get worse with time? You need your sons dad in your life and he can't be so jealous over the mere mention of him that he shouts. A big ol nope from me.

After 3 months it should be pretty much perfect. And for quite a long time after that too.

Dear fecking god, he sounds like hard work! And flying into a rage when your ex is casually mentioned in conversation is completely nuts! No way would I give this weirdo get another chance, save yourself the future aggro and dump his drama-queen arse.

Jesus effing Christ, run woman RUN! This guy is a loon! He sounds like a total nightmare, controlling, paranoid, erratic, insecure. Seriously, ditch him this second and then thank your bloody stars he showed his colours before things got serious. This guy is not worth a minute more of your time.

Oh god really? Crying? Apart from the complete OTT and unnecessary drama king behaviour, just the whole making a scene and then crying would be ' goodbye ' from me. As others have said 3 months is supposed to be the fun & easy part surely?

Cut and run.

Cut and run.

Sorry, forgot to add this bloke can't even get it up and expects you not to say anything (because it makes him feel bad!?). I can see why his supposed last girlfriend was a ldr, anyone expected to put up with his controlling angry outbursts combined with being shit in bed wouldn't hang around very long. He sounds completely pointless (in every sense of the word).

To answer your last point. No, you don't need to help him. Don't fall into the rescuer role. Any relationship should be one of equals. I'd walk away now.

Thanks everyone. You have all confirmed what I was thinking.

We're currently having the same argument we've had for the past week. He's just said "what would help, is if you now trust me".

I'm so angry.

Nah, what would help is him fucking off. No idea why you are bothering to engage, just dump and give yourself a huge pat on the back for having standards.

Trust him? What does that even mean?! This guy is too far gone to reason with. Make your next text to him a Dear John then block him, have a glass of wine, and enjoy the rest of your drama free evening (and hopefully life!)

This is what I am wondering too! It's like a huge red flag waving across my face.

Jus spent over a year working on myself and I felt so strong and now I am tired already of all this. It's constant.

Well, good on you for noticing the flags early and sacking the twat off. Sounds like all the work you've done this year has paid off 😊 Will cross my fingers he doesn't continue to harass you afterwards (though sadly I suspect he will, he definitely sounds the type).

If you have to ask, then you no it's not normal. If it's like this at 3 months, it'll only get worse.

Well done. Shit sex already and getting worse not better. Byyyyyyyyeeeee

Sorry, should say well done for getting rid!!

It’s been 12 weeks and you are still firmly in the getting to know each other phase and seeing if you are compatible on a fundamental level. Guess what? You’re not.

This mans issues are not your issues but they will become your issues, if you stay with him. Your anger is telling you something, listen.

What's brilliant is that you are now so strong that you've spotted this in a relationship and don't need to carry it on.

I think you're going to have to be very brutal with him and make it very clear it's completely over, no being friends, on a break or anything else. Get him out of your life and get looking for the next one! Good luck!

I spent my time single working on myself and making myself strong again so now I am wondering if I am being too harsh and I need to help him?

You spent all that time doing the really hard work of making yourself strong again, recovering and getting yourself into a good place.

Most people need to do this at some point, not everyone has the courage or see it through. It's a huge accomplishment and honestly, I think you should be nurturing and taking care of the self that you have worked so hard on creating, rather than having your energy sapped by someone else.

Usually I'm the first one to say "be kind" and I do really believe this, but my instinct here is that you really need to be kind to you.

Unfortunately your new partner isn't being so kind, is stressing you out, it sounds as if he needs to take time to work on himself, his confidence, perspective, any past difficulties or just his behaviour in general. I think it would be kind to say you support him in this, you can't be a partner though as the family situation is clearly too much for him and the stress of it too much for you.

Also as other have said, three months in, it should be butterflies and can't keep hands off each other. You deserve that. The point about finding out if you are compatible and in this case it sounds like the answer is no is also a really good point.

You've done really well building yourself up and that is not an easy thing to do. Really I'd say please keep the importance of self care in mind (remember if you can't be centred, happy and calm in yourself, you can't help anyone else) and don't lose yourself in trying to change someone else. You can be supportive, but only if you are strong and not upset, but you can't make changes to someone's attitude. Either they can if they feel they have a problem, or it's their character and it's just not a healthy relationship.

Dump!

Relationships are not (or shouldn't be) hard work. Sometimes they need attention and working at, but the base state shouldn't be 'hard work'.

And at three months in, it shouldn't be like this at all. Get rid.

Sounds like hard work. Dump and move on

3 months in is honeymoon territory not ED and rage/crying!

You've not failed or wasted any of the work you've done. You've got to know this guy a bit and turns out he's not worthy of you. Dump him block him and get on!