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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I wrong to be upset?

69 replies

Fr4nk1e · 15/07/2018 19:35

In a nutshell, I had a close friend and we fell out after a very one sided (hers) argument. (She basically had a go at me for no reason). After that we stopped talking and after a year she cut all ties with me.
However, after this it turned out that she and my husband were still in regular contact and this really upset me, because he always claimed to not like her, and he was still maintaining a friendship even though I was confiding in him about how much she had hurt me.
Eventually I lost my rag and said to him that I was extremely hurt by his constant contact with her, because he should be supporting me and showing his loyalty to me not to her.
He then said, that I was being childish and that he Shouldn't have to cut her off because me and her fell out. I asked why when he said he couldn't stand her would he be bothered and surely it was an opportunity to cut ties with someone he didn't like. And he said "we have the same interests".
He then said he would remove her from his apps etc, but he would message her to apologise but I was making him do it!!!
I then said "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to", I also pointed out that he was in a sense saying that he thought I was in the wrong about everything and that she shouldn't be cut off because I didn't like her!!!
I have cut contact with so many people because he didn't like them, and I have always sided with him, even when I don't necessarily think he is right, but I feel sick thinking about how close they have become since my friendship ended with her.
I'm not entirely sure whether I am angry or hurt, but I most definitely feel betrayed and am now concerned about what they may have said to each other about me, have they been chatting about me behind my back? Have they perhaps been flirtatious. But I am mostly so hurt that he hasn't stood by my side and formed a stronger friendship with someone who was so utterly horrible to me!
Am I just being stupid or would you feel as upset and hurt as I do

OP posts:

downinthedumppppppsssss · 15/07/2018 19:49

I'd be very upset and if I'm honest I'd be questioning ha relationship with her ?? Why say you don't like someone and then continue to have contact with her ... sounds like he possibly liked her a little more than he should and was covering his tracks ..

Either way I feel this is disloyal and he should have your back ..

Disquieted1 · 15/07/2018 20:03

You have every right to be thoroughly pissed off. He's been very disloyal to you. You're his wife and it's his duty to back you up.

Original poster

Fr4nk1e · 15/07/2018 20:05

That was my thoughts too.
To be fair they are welcome to each other if that is what they want, but I would be absolutely infuriated if they have been behaving like this while I'm at home looking after his house and his kids, while he's galavanting around with her.

OP posts:

GreenEyedBlonde · 15/07/2018 20:09

I would absolutely lose my shit OP

Whocansay · 15/07/2018 20:14

I would reinstate contact with anyone you've cut off to support him and see how he likes it!

I would see this as a massive betrayal and would be very hurt. It would actually make me question his feelings for me. I would also assume he likes her an awful lot more than he's been letting on.

runbeerrunbeer · 15/07/2018 20:14

Would not be happy. And would be digging deeper re this- wrongly or rightly!

bigmummabear1 · 15/07/2018 20:20

I'd be absolutely livid with him op, I'd be losing my mind thinking about all the stuff they have been saying to each other, it seems a bit odd that he has obviously said in multiple occasions that he doesn't like her and no all of a sudden he likes her and talks to her on a regular basis.

I could only imagine if it was the other way around and you was keeping in regular contact with someone he fell out with and claimed to no like that he would be absolutely livid and bring up all sort of shit.

I'd tell him how it is. That it's not acceptable for him to be talk my to her especially after you have spoke to him about her and about the argument yous had.

How he could keep in contact with someone who was absolutely vile to you is beyond me.

Maybe he's always liked her more that what he should have and was trying to convince himself he didn't like her (but that was ok when you and him were seeing her, now he's not maybe he's starting to miss her and now using any old excuse to cover his tracks)

youbrokemytwatometer · 15/07/2018 20:23

He respects and values her more than he does you

Attic14 · 15/07/2018 20:26

Holy fuck I’d have issues
Wtf is their relationship all about?
He should be defending you, you’re a team, he should be on your side, not being besties with the enemy!

It’s not looking good tbh

Original poster

Fr4nk1e · 15/07/2018 20:42

Thank you, for your replies.
I am very pleased that most agree that his conduct is not on.
I don't want to be that wife who monitors his phone, computer etc, I just don't want to be made a mug of.

OP posts:

Bellendejour · 15/07/2018 21:08

You are not wrong to be upset! I’ve been through similarish scenario (NC as outing) with a mutual friend turning on me and sending horribly abusive, threatening texts. My bf (not even an h) was horrified, tried to reason with her, she blamed me and they are no longer friends. I would do the same for him! And if he hadn’t (his choice) I wouldn’t have been able to be in a relationship with him because you just need that basic loyalty. He needs to get his priorities in order. Sorry you’re going through this

Alfiemoon1 · 15/07/2018 21:49

You have every right to be upset. I had a similar situation with a woman from our stables we could of all been friends but dh got a bit to friendly I objected to the level of contact so he’s spent the last 2 years hiding it and lying to me supposedly for a quiet life. I know full well whenever we have had a row he has confided in her an over exaggerated so I totally understand your feelings that they are talking about u behind your back. Did he message her before u fell out?

Original poster

Fr4nk1e · 15/07/2018 21:59

I'm not sure. I feel like I can't confide him anymore. Especially in regards to her, because he is probably running back and telling her everything. Like I said though if they want to be friends or more they can crack on, just don't make me look like an idiot while they do.
And it is making me believe that all his unfounded accusations of me being unfaithful is actually his guilty conscience coming through. X

OP posts:

Alfiemoon1 · 15/07/2018 22:36

Did they message each other before u and your friend fell out

Original poster

Fr4nk1e · 15/07/2018 22:51

I don't know if they were or weren't.
I've just lost all respect for him and see him in a completely different way. And I'm not sure if I like him anymore let alone love him.

OP posts:

Bellendejour · 15/07/2018 22:55

I don’t think letting them crack on is the answer. Could you see a counsellor to talk this through? This feels a bit like the pick me dance but there hasn’t been an affair (hopefully!) I think he needs to choose to be honest as if they stay friends it will wreck your relationship - it’s already shattered your trust. Don’t worry about being ‘cool’ about this - it’s basic tenets of relationship stuff, loyalty, honesty and trust. And you have cut people out for him!

nicenewdusters · 15/07/2018 23:18

Anyone with an ounce of sensitivity would see that maintaining the friendship in this case is wrong, hurtful and disloyal. He knows that, so now he's been found out, he's trying to make you look like the bad guy.

I'd be hugely suspicious as to why he's (secretly) kept in touch with her. Even if they're not having some sort of relationship, he's putting his and her feelings before your own. Treating you like this will most likely chip away at any feelings you do have left for him. His behaviour is disgraceful, and you have every right to feel betrayed and angry.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 15/07/2018 23:23

I’s be suspicious too and his reaction was just horrible. I’d bin him off, you want someone who has your back no matter what, he clearly doesn’t .

Do you have children together, or are they his ? X

Original poster

Fr4nk1e · 16/07/2018 08:26

Yes we have children together. I stay at home looking after them, as well as usual housework stuff. (I am also doing a diploma as well as voluntary work ready for when I go back to work).
I'm not a jealous person, nor a possessive person, but this whole drama has caused me so much upset I feel sick. And he is still not sticking up for me really, just saying I'm pathetic and it's gone too far. He also said I am over thinking and letting her get to me when she isn't doing anything!
I've told him straight it's him not her, and then he said if I keep pushing I will regret it. Wondering why he feels the need to threaten me to get me to shut up... now I have more alarm bells ringing!

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 16/07/2018 08:29

I think your ex friend is giving herself permission to have an affair with your husband, OP. And he is at least involved in an emotional affair with her.

BlueAnemone · 16/07/2018 08:35

It sounds less like he's maintaining an existing friendship, and more like their friendship has grown since the fallout, which is weird on both their parts. Do they see each other, or is it all done online? I'd wonder what each of them is getting out of it, and what they have to talk about (hopefully they don't discuss you, but then if not you, what else?)
I do wonder what their true motivation is.

BlueAnemone · 16/07/2018 08:37

You could always say that next time they meet up, you'd like to come along, and see what his reaction is. Because he should be delighted with that idea.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 16/07/2018 09:00

This is totally and utterly unacceptable, dishonest and deceitful. I'd certainly think there was more to it than just a friendship under the circumstances. He apparently didn't like her before, yet now they've become close enough for him to champion her feelings over yours? Emotional affair at the very least. You will regret it if you push further??? What the hell does that mean? I think this would be a deal breaker for me. His reaction says a lot about his view of your relationship. Sorry OP, it doesn't sound good.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 16/07/2018 09:05

Just to add, I echo the poster who suggested getting in contact with people you have cut off merely to support him. Go out for a drink and a nice long catch up with one or more them. See how he likes it.

ICESTAR · 16/07/2018 09:15

Op see if you can check his phone or hid computer or ipad. I know usually this is frowned upon on here but in this case I think it's warranted in this case! Get your documents together quietly op and ducks in a row whilst you investigate. I have a feeling something is up just from you putting about what he threatened you with a few posts in. Good luck!

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