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Original poster

Am I wrong to be upset?

69 replies

Fr4nk1e · 15/07/2018 19:35

In a nutshell, I had a close friend and we fell out after a very one sided (hers) argument. (She basically had a go at me for no reason). After that we stopped talking and after a year she cut all ties with me.
However, after this it turned out that she and my husband were still in regular contact and this really upset me, because he always claimed to not like her, and he was still maintaining a friendship even though I was confiding in him about how much she had hurt me.
Eventually I lost my rag and said to him that I was extremely hurt by his constant contact with her, because he should be supporting me and showing his loyalty to me not to her.
He then said, that I was being childish and that he Shouldn't have to cut her off because me and her fell out. I asked why when he said he couldn't stand her would he be bothered and surely it was an opportunity to cut ties with someone he didn't like. And he said "we have the same interests".
He then said he would remove her from his apps etc, but he would message her to apologise but I was making him do it!!!
I then said "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to", I also pointed out that he was in a sense saying that he thought I was in the wrong about everything and that she shouldn't be cut off because I didn't like her!!!
I have cut contact with so many people because he didn't like them, and I have always sided with him, even when I don't necessarily think he is right, but I feel sick thinking about how close they have become since my friendship ended with her.
I'm not entirely sure whether I am angry or hurt, but I most definitely feel betrayed and am now concerned about what they may have said to each other about me, have they been chatting about me behind my back? Have they perhaps been flirtatious. But I am mostly so hurt that he hasn't stood by my side and formed a stronger friendship with someone who was so utterly horrible to me!
Am I just being stupid or would you feel as upset and hurt as I do

OP posts:
ICESTAR · 16/07/2018 09:18

His*

Shantotto · 16/07/2018 09:19

OP, he has cut you off from people he has decided he doesn't like, and he accuses you of being unfaithful regularly? This doesn't sound like a good relationship, along with this friendship too. Flowers

wagil · 16/07/2018 09:28

I'm wondering if she picked an argument with you for a reason, you say it was one sided.

Does this 'friendship' go back further than you originally thought?

lunamoths · 16/07/2018 09:48

I agree with @wagil he never liked her could this have been to throw you off the scent so to speak?

Alfiemoon1 · 16/07/2018 10:47

I agree with wagil could she have picked an argument with u to maybe feel less guilty over her communication with your dh. Is your friend married? How did they behave towards each other before the fall out any different than he does with your other friends?

Cawfee · 16/07/2018 11:27

There’s something not right here. You said she picked a fight with you and I’m wondering if she did that because of your DH. His behaviour and reactions about her are very odd. I’d be asking when was the last time they had physical contact. Do you know anybody else who knows her? Can you snoop her or his Facebook. I’d want to see every message he sends her. Somethings not right. Have you got a friend of his or sibling etc that can talk to him about this and get to the bottom of it. I think they’ve done something. He’s gone from saying he doesn’t like her, to her arguing with you, to him messaging her?!? WTF?

Cawfee · 16/07/2018 11:28

Anyone reading this who has close female friends, let it be a warning. You really have to be very careful and not let them get too close/involved in your life/relationship. Dangerous.

Cambshusband · 16/07/2018 11:55

I had a similar event with my wife, a falling out with a friend and we still have to see this woman in the playground.

I’m never rude to her, because it’s not me she fell out with, but I will not chat to her, she is not a Facebook friend (anymore because of the incident) and because my wife’s comes first.

It really should be that simple for him.

Original poster
Fr4nk1e · 16/07/2018 17:51

Thanks for all your messages.
I guess I'm just going to have to be clever about it all, without concrete evidence I don't want to fly off the handle in case I accuse him of something he hasn't actually done.
He did apologise today, but he also said that he will always fight my corner, I replied, well while you have continued to be friendly with her you haven't.
Then walked away. I've made it clear that I no longer trust him to fight for me.
This will go one of two ways, he will either chase her or chase me. But if he thinks he can quieten me down and carry on talking to her he has another thing coming... possibly in the form of divorce papers.

OP posts:
MilkshakeMonkey · 16/07/2018 18:08

2 big alarm bells for me:
-the “you’ll regret it” comment. Why what will you regret??? Finding out the truth??

  • him falsely accusing you of unfaithfulness. History has taught me this is the actions of someone who is guilty. There’s probably some science behind it or proven theory.

I would investigate phone, email, bank accounts etc. If there’s nothing wrong there’s nothing to find.
How much contact are they having? What is there shared interest?

SeaCabbage · 16/07/2018 18:16

How can he say he will always fight your corner??? That is outrageous when he is doing the opposite! So disloyal to you.

What sort of contact do they have? Do they meet up? Text a lot?

Original poster
Fr4nk1e · 16/07/2018 18:32

I am not entirely sure of the full level of contact, I think it is mostly messaging. But whether they meet up I can't confirm or deny.
The shared interest is actually one of my hobbies that I introduced them both to. But because I have the responsibilty of a family I can't just down tools and bugger off for weekends to climb mountains.
It may be that there is no harm in their conversations, but his reaction to it all just shows his attitude towards my feelings. And perhaps his half hearted apology is to try and get me back on side, I don't know.
I'm just not sure what I will do next, I have a tendency to withdraw when someone hurts me, but I guess if I do he may get closer to her and then I will know exactly what his feelings are I guess.

OP posts:
MariePoppins1 · 16/07/2018 18:35

Definitely sounds like an emotional affair and may be physical too. Her guilt may explain the unnecessary argument and fall out with you, she was distancing herself from you.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2018 18:36

Is he fucking her ?

Original poster
Fr4nk1e · 16/07/2018 19:00

Well I would hope not. I have no evidence that he is having an affair. It may just be friendly communication.
My issue is more what he has done to me, it seemed quite clear that he was less respectful of my feelings than perhaps hers.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 16/07/2018 19:30

I have cut contact with so many people because he didn't like them

Why on earth would you do that?

If they were abusive to him in some way, then fair enough. If it was "friends" who clearly wanted to bang you, then fair enough.

If it's just "Your friend Doris gave me a funny look when I mentioned what a great bloke Nigel Farage is, I don't want you seeing her again" then that is a massive red flag.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/07/2018 19:36

It sounds very very suspicious op

SandyY2K · 16/07/2018 19:43

I suspect he always liked her and she fell out with you deliberately...to avoid being close to you to ease her guilt and be closer to him.

It points to an affair IMO.

I'd be getting back in contact with all those he doesnt like... and you should try and get childcare to get you some free time. Or have him commit to an evening so you can have time to yourself... by going out to do your own thing.

Original poster
Fr4nk1e · 16/07/2018 19:43

Not the Ford type. 😂😂. No they were rather nasty to a family member if his. One of them being his ex best friend and who was his best man at our wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fr4nk1e · 16/07/2018 19:50

In all honesty, I don't think their friendship is more than that, on his part anyway. However, I do believe that she is the sort of person who would use him to upset me more.
I have never bitten to her bait, and I think she has probably been trying to get to me through him. And I guess it worked. But he helped her achieve this by not following my lead in forgetting her existence.
It is his actions that I am upset with though.
He is already crawling, but it his lack of understanding of how HE has hurt me, and how what he is saying is cementing that he thinks I am wrong to be upset about it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/07/2018 19:57

Why does having DC mean that you can't go off climbing yet your H can?

Original poster
Fr4nk1e · 16/07/2018 20:12

It's because of childcare. I need to plan these things, and usually end up with kids parties etc bunging up the weekends.
I do have a life, I'm not trapped indoors, but he can always go off at the drop of a hat because I am always here to watch the kids.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/07/2018 20:23

Erm he can do childcare/parties why does it need to be you rather than him?

MilkshakeMonkey · 16/07/2018 20:30

He also kept his contact a secret right? Why???

He needs to do some child care-you should still get to do the things you love

AnyFucker · 16/07/2018 20:42

Pardon me ? Why are you always the one stuck with the kids ? Is he their parent or not ?

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