Am I wrong to be upset?

[Fr4nk1e]

In a nutshell, I had a close friend and we fell out after a very one sided (hers) argument. (She basically had a go at me for no reason). After that we stopped talking and after a year she cut all ties with me.
However, after this it turned out that she and my husband were still in regular contact and this really upset me, because he always claimed to not like her, and he was still maintaining a friendship even though I was confiding in him about how much she had hurt me.
Eventually I lost my rag and said to him that I was extremely hurt by his constant contact with her, because he should be supporting me and showing his loyalty to me not to her.
He then said, that I was being childish and that he Shouldn't have to cut her off because me and her fell out. I asked why when he said he couldn't stand her would he be bothered and surely it was an opportunity to cut ties with someone he didn't like. And he said "we have the same interests".
He then said he would remove her from his apps etc, but he would message her to apologise but I was making him do it!!!
I then said "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to", I also pointed out that he was in a sense saying that he thought I was in the wrong about everything and that she shouldn't be cut off because I didn't like her!!!
I have cut contact with so many people because he didn't like them, and I have always sided with him, even when I don't necessarily think he is right, but I feel sick thinking about how close they have become since my friendship ended with her.
I'm not entirely sure whether I am angry or hurt, but I most definitely feel betrayed and am now concerned about what they may have said to each other about me, have they been chatting about me behind my back? Have they perhaps been flirtatious. But I am mostly so hurt that he hasn't stood by my side and formed a stronger friendship with someone who was so utterly horrible to me!
Am I just being stupid or would you feel as upset and hurt as I do

I honestly don't know why it's always me. He does look after the kids when I go out etc, I'm not a caged woman or anything, I do get out and me and him do go out together etc on date nights. This hurt is mostly that he can't see anything wrong with staying in touch with someone who was so vile to me.

Agree with pps who suggest she engineered the fight.

Also agree that it's a classic cheaters tactic to project their own cheating behaviour on their innocent partner. If he has time to climb mountains and you don't why would he think you have time to cheat?

I have also thought this. I think I will just have to take a step back and watch and see what happens next. Whatever way I can. Hopefully there is nothing else to find and it was just friendly banter discussing a shared interest, but if not, it will be his loss.

It'd be the end for me op, or at least at lot of grovelling. I think there's nothing wrong with remaining friends with someone your partner doesn't like but this friend has been externally nasty to you and the fact that he hid it is so disgusting. His reaction made it all a lot worse too. So so awful! Hope you're okay.

@Fr4nk1e how did you find out they had been in contact? Did he tell you or did you see the messages?

Have you booked coffee with the ex bf who was best man yet? When asked you can say well he was best man at my wedding too remember, we have history. Or just say that’s what you are doing and meet a friend instead...

My dh takes kids to parties just as well as I do. Even better as he’s a better driver so can find a park easier as I need a tennis court to park in. Just saying. He does taking them to the park better than me too. He doesn’t have more free time than me. Book a day climbing, your dh can step up. No need to ask him, he doesn’t need to get your permission from what you say.

Get a family calendar and mark off child free days/evenings for yourself. Brook no resistance.

It was open post messages, but as I scrolled down I saw that they were regularly liking and commenting on eachothers posts (except ones that I was tagged in).
I don't know about private messages, but I suspect from his reaction they have conversed using other methods.

I don't want to behave like him though, so I will of course maintain my own loyalty.

Thank you all for your advice on this, it is nice to see that my own viewpoint in all of this is well founded.

OP your DH have behaved fucking appallingly.... he is disgusting to think this was an acceptable thing to do behind your back.. he has utterly betrayed you by being confidante to your Frenemy .. I wouldn't/couldn't trust him ever again...

your Frenemy knows exactly what she is doing... this calculating bint has taken from you what you cherish most.... your DH's loyalty .. this is no accident...

I'd kick his arse so far out the door.. he'd pass the sun setting and rising...

OP do you think the reason your friend fell out with you for no reason is because she is sleeping with your husband?

Maybe she did. I just don't know. Too many things are running through my head.
He is grovelling though, and chasing me, so I guess that confirms that if it was a choice between me and her, he would like pick me.
However, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to talk to him freely again.

There should be no question of who does he pick , she is an acquaintance, you are his wife. He is acting very suspect and so is she. I would go through his phone as I think you deserve to know the truth on this whole weird scenario.

Think about it OP, if a friend told you this was happening what would you advise her to do and what would you think is going on?

Could you afford get a PI at all? It might be a well worth investment if he is cheating and plans to leave you in the lurch on his terms . Sorry for thinking the worst but all of it sounds so fishy :( xx

You are gratified he seems to be "picking" you ?

Deary me. That is one sad statement.

Not gratified. But it's easier to catch a mouse if you lie and wait.

It's simple to me, he is putting her feelings before yours. I'd be telling him you don't want a DH who puts another woman before me and tell him to go to her and mean it. If there's nothing more than a friendship he should be rushing to delete her and remove her from your lives

TBH he’ll take this underground from here. You’ve made him believe you think he’s got a friendship, and if it’s more than that, then they’re going to be far smarter going forward.

He’s kept a friendship secret. I mean why? Why is she good enough to hide this from you

I'm not going to accuse him of anything more unless I find evidence.

He has subsequently deleted her and he doesn't have her contact details. I don't believe that this is as dark as some of you do.

I have cut contact with so many people because he didn't like them
Why would you do this?
Seems an odd thing.
If you like someone and get on with them then you can stay in contact. This is how abusers isolate you. Don't let him do that!

THIS... on the other had is weird.
If he stated he couldn't stand her, and is now all pally then there's more to this.
You are right to sit back and gather any evidence you can.

Op I urge you to look at this logically , when you challenged him he became defensive (red flag) , he also said a long time ago that he didn’t even like this ex friend but yet now he remains in touch with her? Do you not think he just said he didn’t like her in order to throw you off the scent?
He kept his communicaton with her secret in effect (like he never told you , you found out) again another red flag.
He accuses you of cheating (another red flag) .
He now is trying to gaslight you )by chasing you ) as I suspect the reality of “what if you did find out the truth” is probably starting to sink in for him and he doesn’t want that . Xx