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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Awkward situation from regular.

58 replies

StickyWicket · 28/05/2007 12:53

Testing.

OP posts:

Coolmama · 28/05/2007 13:00

starfairy · 28/05/2007 13:01

Eh?

quadrophenia · 28/05/2007 13:01

I get you

suzywong · 28/05/2007 13:02

well I don't
come on now share with the group
name and shame
don't be fluffy

filthymindedvixen · 28/05/2007 13:07

what's on your mind SW?

Original poster

StickyWicket · 28/05/2007 13:11

I split up with my children's dad some time ago, and the main reason was our violent behavior to one another, and his (perceived) unwillingness to support us.

My son desperatly wants his dad to move back in.

I am lost, utterly lost, and don't know what to do for the best.

Me and exdp are still good friends, and until we split up we were attending Relate. A lot of the violent behavior was either me hitting out or throwing things at him, in frustration, or him hitting out or throwing things at me, because I won't drop a subject.

I told exdp that he would have to go because of his debts, and the onlty way I could make him leave was to promise him he coulsd move back in when these are paid off.

Now I don't know what to do - on the one hand, I don't want another man, my son wants him back here so very badly, and God Knows it would be nice not to be a single parent any more.

On the other hand, he put me on the fucking floor when I was pregnant because he was still spending although we were penniless, and I had a go at him at 1 in the morning.

I will never ever get the police involved again - my experience with them the last time I got them involved was that a) I must have done something to wind them up and b) they now had to involve SS as my son was asleep upstairs.

But, and I must recognise this in all honesty - I do not know whether his violence was caused by my own inate propensity to violent behavior, and therefore now I have myself under control it won't happen again, or whether he himself has inately violently reactions.

I know what is the right and best thing, but that knowledge doesn't keep me warm at night, it doesn't give me a shoulder to cry on, and it doesn't comfort my son at 2 in the morning when he is wailing that he wants his daddy back.

Probably half of mumsnet has guessed who I am, but if you have please don't out me, and remember that this is not my situation now - I am now just a single mother with a supportive ex.

OP posts:

suzywong · 28/05/2007 13:13

I don't kow who you re and i won't outyoubut you havemy supathy and I hope MNcan give you wise advice and support to get through this

Original poster

StickyWicket · 28/05/2007 13:15

Thanks

OP posts:

suzywong · 28/05/2007 13:16

hell knows what supathy is but you got it anyway

quadrophenia · 28/05/2007 13:17

Stickywicket, you sound so confused you really have my sympathies. How have things been since the seperation, have you been able to move on at all? In reflection do you prefer being there without him, are you more relaxed? It sounds to be as if you are lonely and want some support, and because he is supportive you think you may want him back. Being a single parent is incredibly hard and when yuo are at your low points of course you yearn for someone else, and i guess if you are not interested in having relations with others its only natural that you yearn for your ex dp.

Original poster

StickyWicket · 28/05/2007 13:17

It's sympathy with a bowl of soup, for extra comfort.

OP posts:

filthymindedvixen · 28/05/2007 13:20

I think sometimes perfectly nice decent people just react badly to each other (like chemicals) and this probably isn't going to go away.
You don't say you want to get back with your exp, just that your son wants it to happen. How old is your son? Is he old enough to understand that some things just aren't possible and that it's better to have a slightly unusual set up where both parents are in contact and civil, rather than living together and killing each other...?

Maybe cognitive behavioural therapy might benefit you in order to understand why you get so violent with this man?

My heart goes out you you all though. Hope you find some answers on here, good luck x

Original poster

StickyWicket · 28/05/2007 13:23

I know I want him to move back in - in my heart I know that if he did, I would do a few things differently.

But I am scared. I am scared that if he moves back in, the lack of respect will continue. The violence, instead of stopping, will escalate. He will spend every penny we have and half of what we don't. I will end up sitting in silence because I don't dare unleash the torrent of abuse and fury that will pour out (of my mouth^!) if I do. That in 6 months time I will be a shaking enraged heap of resentment with high blood pressure and IBS.

But it could be so good, if he puts the effort in, which he has of course promised to do, but will he? It's easy to promise the worls when you live on your own away from your much adored kids in a crappy bedsit. It's different when you are back sitting pretty in the family home though - the incentive will be gone then.

OP posts:

serenity · 28/05/2007 13:25

If you take him back and it all kicks off the same as before, would you have the strength to get him to leave again? I'd also be worried how your DS would take it if he came back, and then left again.

Original poster

StickyWicket · 28/05/2007 13:25

he doesn't get it - I have tried to gently explain that it's nicer to have mummy and daddy happy, but in different places, than together but very sad.

he still wants his dad now.

OP posts:

Shrinkinglily · 28/05/2007 13:27

If you are sure that being a single parent with supportive ex isn't better than being in a volatile relationship then take it really really slow with your ex, really slow.
It would be great if you can all be together and happy but that isn't always possible.
What about going back to relate for a while?

quadrophenia · 28/05/2007 13:27

'I think sometimes perfectly nice decent people just react badly to each other (like chemicals) and this probably isn't going to go away '

I think these are wise words from FMV. It sounds to me as if the potential fall out could be massive, and the fact that you will be worried about this will affect your behaviour from day one. You need to be able to be yourself, the alternative is just too draining.

I can understand why you are feeling like this, I do think (I have no idea of your circs btw) that it sounds like you are lonely. If you can make steps to address this particulalry in the venings then maybe your outlook may change.

Original poster

StickyWicket · 28/05/2007 13:28

that worries me too, I must admit.

I can't see myself going anywhere or doing anything with my life - my talking child is my oldest child, and he also has mild SN, which makes planning for things like childcare doubly difficult.

I dn't know how I feel, I wish someone would tell me what I should be feeling. My dad was a violent man at times, I wonder sometimes if this could have skewed my idea of acceptable behavior to dish out and receive.

OP posts:

quadrophenia · 28/05/2007 13:30

and your ds will come round you know, kids obviously want both their parents, but many children get by in these circumstances and time will be a great healer for your ds. Does he see your dh often and in what situations? Maybe if the lines are a little cloudy then your ds is a bit confused?

kittylette · 28/05/2007 13:30

Do you not think things may be alot better now because you are no longer together under the same roof?

From what ive read i have a strong feeling that if your Ex returns things will ineviatably slip back to the way they were before the split.

Original poster

StickyWicket · 28/05/2007 13:32

My behavior with my ex must seem, from an outside perspective, increasingly bizarre. Some days I cannot wait for him to knock on the door, I want to see him, talk to him, get him to take the kids out, find out what he's been up to, tell him about the kids' day.

Other days, I become overwhelmed, because I am scared to trust him, or love him, or involve him in my6 life, in case he upsets the nice little routine I have established. In case I get tempted and give him his key back and it all goes so horribly wrong again.

OP posts:

Original poster

StickyWicket · 28/05/2007 13:34

Kittylette, yes, I have that feeling too, but I don't know if it is sensible caution that is giving me the feeling, or the obsessive compulsive paranoia I have when it comes to stability and control.

OP posts:

quadrophenia · 28/05/2007 13:37

your behaviour is not bizarre, it is born out of confusion which is natural. However i think for all your sakes you perhaps need some rigidity, routine to the visits, children respond to boundaries in all manner of situations and this is no different really. If the boundaries are clearly defined then your children will feel more secure perhaps.
I think its really important that you make no rash decisions regarding this, ultimately as someone else as said you may just not have the strength to seperate again. If you decided to get back together then it really has to be clearly though out and not a reaction to your emotional state (easier said than done i know).

GrandMasterHumphreyLyttelton · 28/05/2007 13:38

I think for the time being you have to remain apart. This doesn't mean never getting back together.

What your children want isn't the most important thing.

I think you're spot on with the comment about your dad. You don't want your children growing up thinking that violent behaviour is acceptable.

Sorry, you're in an awful dilema and I'm not helping much. You have my sympathy. What you should be feeling is what you are feeling - it's perfectly possible and entirely understandable to be feeling two opposite emotions.

Ifonlyhewould · 28/05/2007 13:39

I don't think it seems bizzare at all. I can understand how you feel.

Could you not start slowly, perhaps by dating again, having a relationship but not moving in together just yet. Maybe he could stay over for a night in the beginning. Just try getting to know each other again. You have come along way in that you have realsided that your own temper may have had something to do with triggering his. If you can work on controlling this, focus more on yourself then maybe things will work out for you. I just wouldn't rush into living together again, not just yet.

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