Awkward situation from regular.

[StickyWicket]

Testing.

Why don't you start going back to relate - just you first to sort your head out and then if you decide, head straight, that you want him back, go together before he moves back in.

is there some kind of halfway path you could take to test the water perhaps? Maybe he starts coming round in the evenings and helps with the bedtime routine, but doesn't stay over. Just take small steps and see where and how it goes. I do sympathise about the mutual violence, it sounds like you both need to re-learn how to respond to extreme duress - do you both see it as a problem you both have and could you work on it together - perhaps some kind of anger management therapy for the both of you? It sounds like you have a lot of insight - you know what your triggers are. It does sound from what you've said like there is something worth saving in this relationship, both for yourself and your son. Good luck.

Do you think that your DS might have picked up on your own ambivalence about what you want? His emotional distress might be partly prompted by his confusion about what his mum wants. Do you think that, if you took a very firm line - 'Mummy and Daddy are not going to be getting back together', full stop - it would help him to come to terms with it more quickly?

It's just a thought, please feel free to ignore. Your situation sounds very difficult.

There will be absolutely no DV intervention, because of my experience with the police. The assumption would be made that because I have hit my partner, I hit my children. I don't, and I know I never will, but I do not trust them to make that kind of judgement when it comes to my children.

We get on fine when there is no question of him having to support the family - it's when I expect him to be able to eg - pay bills on time, not land up in court for unpaid debts etc and he expects me not to react so harshly when these things happen - that's when we hit problems. That has always been the route of our problems.

Is it possible for you to work and for him to be a SAHD?

Would he agree to having no credit card, not taking out loans, etc?

He's utterly in denial, isn't he?

Too many questions there, sorry.

I think you know where you have been at fault here(ie lashing out at him physically) but it seems as if he just doesn't get where he's to blame. The money issue would have me terrified, tbh. A friend of mine couldn't answer the door for fear of it being the bailiffs, I saw what that did to her.

SW - I wonder if part of your confusion stems from not having properly separated IYSWIM.

If I have this right, he comes round most days to help with the DCs and TBH sounds like a fully fledged member of the family, except that he does not have staying over rights, and that his time with the family are controlled by you, rather than in a full partnership with him.

It hasn;t been a typical split where you manage almost a complete fortnight on your own and then hand the children over for a couple of days of dad time.

I understand fully why that is the case, you felt that your DCs needed to see their Dad more often than that.

Nevertheless, it does sound confusing for everyone concerned and perhpas DS has not had a chance to get used to a new routine with set times for seeing dad.

I agree that it might be best to go back to relate. It might also be worth seeing whether there are anger management courses that both of you can go on. Only you know the path you are willing to take, but as things stand the risks of it going belly up again do sound quite high to me. Perhaps a proper separation is needed before things can start to be rebuilt again IYSWIM?

I think that you should go back to Relate and address this very specific problem together - him not being financially responsible and you not being able to find a way to deal with this. (Although if you can solve the first one, surely the second one will disappear?)

It does seem that until you can resolve this pretty important issue that you shouldn't even contemplate living under the same roof again.

good point there SB.

maybe then, the answer is for me to see less of him.

I am almost certain your doc can refer you to couple counselling BEFORE he moves back in. with a definate list of ground rules to be reviewed weekly and calmly.

hugs

I think until you do that SW, he will not truely realise what he has lost.

In the same way, that you will get a true measure of what he contributes to teh family (nothing like missing it to value it), beyond financial contribution. Perhaps that would help you work out whether the other things he does for the family compensates enough for his lack of financial contribution/sense.

It sounds perverse, but I think a little more time apart might help both of you work out whether there is enough to be worth getting back together for.

I think the issue is not only his financial irresponsibility, but my perception of whether or not he is being irresponsible.

see, whenever he lied to me or got us into a financial mess, I would go friggin nuclear.

So he would then lie about whether or not we were up the creek.

So I lost all trust in whether he was telng the truth about the situation.

So my dilemma is not only 'Can I trust him' but also 'will I trust him?'

I want to trust him.

me working full time and him being a sahd is something I have considered, but only if I can do shifts - in my job not too much of a problem.

At the moment it is like a cosy pair of slippers - you get to wear them most of the time, when you want them, but miss out on them overnight when things get a little chilly. You've still got some warm socks but they don't quite do as good a job as the slippers. Perhaps you should just go back to wearing them all the time?

But who knows, maybe without the cosy slippers, you'd find other ways of keeping warm - a new warm rug, or nice carpet - underfloor heating perhaps, maybe a wonderful new invention that hasn;t even been invented yet - hell, maybe you'll be the one who invents it

Until you get rid of the slippers you have today - you have no chance ever of finding out what else might work and indeed whether there is something out there for you that is a million times warmer and comfier than those old slippers - which lets face it, are looking a bit tatty now - a bit past their best

SW - crossed posts - I think there is also a big question mark over whether he can trust you! If he can trust you not to go nuclear, then possibly he will not feel it worth lying. The opposite is also true - if you can trusat him not to lie, then you will have no need to go nuclear.

There is a lot of co-dependency in a relationship and trust has to work both ways, but one party to the marriage can only ever be in charge of their own trust and their own truthfulness, they cannot control the other party's.

Relate might help you work through this in more detail???

I think I would invest in some serious counselling on my own AND for the kids before I even considered reconcilliation.

These doubts of yours are very serious and they're there for a reason.

And what's for you won't pass you.

If you're meant to be together, it'll happen.

No rush, you know.

But the kids could do with some support, too, and a professional to talk about how they feel about the split.

So, do you think it would be worth just sitting it out and seeing what happens?

I hate the uncertanty TBH, it's just more of the same.

I think rather than moving him back in I'd look into helping your child deal with the split.

And you.

The easiest option isn't always the solution, unfortunately.

He needs serious help with his spending problems as much as you need help with your anger issues.

If I am right, he has got into debt over nad over and over again, hasnt he? He's not showing you you can trust him, so neither of you are giving each other chance. I agree that seeing less of him is a good idea atm.

How though? Honest, when he flips out and starts saying "I want my daddy to come back and live here and sleep here and have his dinner here again!" I don't know what to do, or say.

you need to be strong and firm in your response, however heartbreaking it is for you. Almost have a kind of mantra, a response you always use, empathise and give him cuddles but remian firm in your standing. It is undoubtedly vey hard for you,but you can do it.

But I don't know how to make him understand without giving him too much information - he's only 4.

When I told him that daddy doesn't sleep in mummy's bed any more, he wailed "But daddy can sleep in my bed mummy, it's ok, I like the floor"

And I jollied him along and giggled, and he cheered right up again, and when he went to bed I wept my heart out.

I agree with Quad and Expat. However difficult it is now, at least you have the security of a roof over your head and bills being paid, which is something you don't seem to have had with your ex.

Yes, and although ds doesn't appreciate it, it's important.

Yes and the mum you are to your ds at the moment however uncertain and unsure at times is better than the one who can't be herself. You know you are only human, and you won't always have the answers and sometimes you won't respond in the best way, but you love your children, and aslong as they are secure in that fact then it doesn't matter if you get it wrong sometimes. Give yourself a break, don't be too tough on yourself, this is a difficult time for you.