Pregnant and my partner has been living a double life

[ittakesavillage]

Hi there, I'm completely new here (or to any forum for that matter)
But I felt I needed to find some support/information as I’m utterly devastated and isolated.

My partner of many years, the father my 1yr old, my unborn baby and the stepdad of my 20-year-old - (I'm 16 weeks pregnant and daughter turned 1, four days ago) has been living a double life!
He has been seeing another woman for 3 years. When I thought he was working nights, going to elder children's sports games, groceries he was with her.... meeting her family, out of town rendezvous. Spending the money that should be spend on our children on his secrets.

A few things haven’t been adding up over the last two weeks so when he was on a work ‘night out’ on Wednesday I logged into his work phone. He had numbers for unnamed people in his notes (not contact) … I saved their numbers into my phone which then adds them on WhatsApp then started stalking names on Facebook, matched profile photos till I recognised the name of a woman ‘he was having a causal relationship with’ prior to me meeting him…

Of course, I messaged her which within seconds turned into a call. I believe she was legitimately as shocked as I! He told her I was a one-night stand then tracked him down once I was 6 months pregnant… Obviously not true. After he confessed that to her when our child was 5 months old THEY WENT TO COUPLE COUNSELING TOGETHER!!! WTF???

As the day has progressed more has come out, he stated to her he wasn’t at our daughter birth, he wasn’t at her birthday party last week, lives with his dad… He has met her whole family…. Takes days off work to spend with her... then comes home to play happy family (he is also a police officer but honesty and integrity are not his forte) What’s worse… Being that I am 16 weeks pregnant, if I was to consider a termination (no offence to anyone out there against it but I’m proudly pro-choice) I need to terminate within the next few weeks… It’s not a very fast process in New Zealand (where I live) so I will be closer to 18/19 weeks (20 weeks is the cut of in NZ)

This procedure will induce labour; therefore, I will be giving birth to my deceased, perfectly formed and innocent baby that only weeks ago we had announced to the world of his/her upcoming arrival.

The utter betrayal, rage, heartbreak that I feel is immense. Not only for myself but also our children, my family. I never planned that at 38 I would be having to consider starting over again.

I can’t tell what few friends I have and as I work in the social service sector, my co-workers are great, but this is too personal (and too similar to clients lives) for me to share with them. I confided in my parent’s, but both are elderly and they feel as betrayed as I.

I want this baby… I do but I feel two under 2’s as a single parent with very little support is going to send me more so over the edge than what I already feel atm.

I want to hurt him like never before, make him feel the pain I feel and know that terminating will absolutely destroy him, especially if it’s a boy as his 2 children to a prior marriage, my eldest and our daughter are all girls …. But it will also break what little feels left in me.

I know its early days, I need to process what has gone on and what is best for me, but I just feel so destroyed.

Please, I don’t want sympathy as it doesn’t take much to get the tears flowing again… I just want to know if anyone else has been unfortunate enough to also be conned by someone they thought they knew and loved while pregnant and how they tried to heal.
48 hours ago, I thought things were perfect

I know you said you didn't want sympathy, but Jesus, what a bastard. I'm gobsmacked by your story.
I'm sure there's people here who will understand your situation better than me, so I'll leave the advice to them. I couldn't just read and run.

I cannot imagine what this must feel like, so my thoughts are that you need to concentrate on what you want, and what is best for your family. Assume you will not want to stay with such a vile man? Do YOU want to continue with the pregnancy?
Try to get away from the doing things to hurt him, that will only bring a momentary gratification, it is you that will live with the decision. You will be bringing up the child on your own.
Look into what finances would be like. You can book an abortion now and change your mind should you wish, but if you don’t get the ball rolling now then you may miss the opportunity.

Hey lovely. I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm also absolutely incredulous how someone would behave like that and have the energy to do it. What a messed up mind he must have to lie to everyone around him.

Do what is right for you and your family now and in the future.

Please don't take any rash steps in order to hurt him now as I promise it will hurt you more later.
Cut him from your life as much as possible & confide in friends for support. You can do this alone-you know you can.

You just started my tears again. oh gawd this hurts

Just because there is abuse - and his actions are abusive. It doesn't mean I don't love him. I can't turn my feelings off. I have got the ball rolling for a termination but my heart is just so numb I can't rationally think of what to do next. In NZ you must have counselling with the clinic before any procedure can take place so I see them next week.

I was happy before I met him.

Oh my goodness, what an absolute bastard! You poor thing.

I take it you're not married. But, in New Zealand, as you have children together and you've been living together for more than 3 years you are in a defacto relationship and therefore assets will be separated on this basis.

Here is the guide for asset separation in New Zealand.

You're still young and by the time this one is born if you decide to continue, your youngest will be 3 so an easy age gap. I actually find two easier than one as they have someone to play with.

But decide what you want for yourself. Leave what he may feel out of it. The man is never going to be happy if he always needs the drama and subterfuge to get his kicks.

Just put all decisions off for the moment and please confide in a friend. You need irl support. My friend had an abortion as her husband gave her an ultimatum and she couldn't confide in anyone. It destroyed her. She may have decided to abort herself in the end, but it was the fact that she felt she had no choice and couldn't speak to anyone about it until years after that was the issue.

:( can't even imagine what you are feeling. What a shit he is! Does he know you know about everything? How has he / will he react?

The evil that men do.

Sorry to read this Village he's a massive cheesy knob head and doesn't deserve tears.

Don't worry about being a single parent, I bet you are the bulk worker at home.
You will manage, he can fuck right off.

ittakesavillage Do you have much of a village?

What a crap situation to find yourself in. Some people really don’t see anything beyond themselves. His motives are impossible to countenance so don’t try to fathom him if you can manage that. It’s time now just to think of yourself.

I don’t think people should tell 38yo women they are still young regarding having children. I also think it sounds like moving on from terminating would be very difficult for you. Terminating to hurt him is a mistake (although I understand completely why you would want to hurt him any way you could) and I think it is probably a mistake when you describe it as giving birth to your perfect baby. I’m so sorry. Do you have any support? I don’t understand what is wrong with these men.

How will her youngest be 3 if they're currently 1 and she's 16 weeks pregnant?
Look, I think this will be incredibly difficult. Two under two just is. But I think you can do it. The really intense difficult phase will be over relatively fast and I don't think you would regret having a wanted baby. If it was your first with him then it might be different, but you're already tied to him for life. I think you sound like you want the baby.
Saying that, if you do decide to terminate, you'll get through that too. I wish I could offer more advice and help but I've not been through the same. You will get through this though. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, on whatever path you choose.

Either way you can tell him you are / have terminated. It would be a while before he found out if it isn’t true. That seems completely fair imo. Just about any tactic seems fair tbh.

Op it’s highly likely your partner is a psychopath because no ordinary Joe Bloggs can carry off that level of duplicity.

I speak from experience and nothing in your posts surprise or shock me. It’s all just very ordinary stuff when you’ve had one of these people in your life.

You need to run away as fast and as far as you can and understand that getting over this will be far more difficult than getting over s breakdown with Joe Bloggs. You may even need specialized counselling but you will get there in the end.

💐

Don't make rash decisions out of spite. Make the right decision for you.
What an utter bastard, as you say no moral fibre at all. My heart goes out to you but you are young (38 is not old) and you have beautiful children. Do the right think for you, I am not sure you really want a termination and you can do anything, you are strong. Do not let this bastard win, take him for everything you can.

Sorry, for some reason I thought she said her daughter was 2. Yes, it will be hard for a little while but then it'll be easier to have two as they'll be playmates for each other.

What a total bastard.

I want this baby… I do but I feel two under 2’s as a single parent with very little support is going to send me more so over the edge than what I already feel atm.
If you want the baby, either route is going to be difficult. From the language you use about your innocent baby, it sounds like abortion would be harder for you. Like others have said, don't do it because of him or as en expression of the crap situation he has dumped on you. If you choose abortion, do it as your choice. You can get more support both for looking after your family and for helping you cope.

Horrible to have to consider anything like this after such a shock. Have you got people you can talk to?

I really feel for you - this is a tough situation.

I guess you need to think about practicalities of handling 2. My youngest 2 are 13 months apart and in many way it isn’t easier because they play together a lot. They are at similar stages so enjoy the same things. I won’t lie though and it is hard work.

Did you want more than 1 child? As you said you are still in love with him so can’t imagine you are thinking about new relationships yet so what if you don’t get another chance to have another baby? Am sure the counsellor will talk this all through with you though.

Have the counselling, and then do what's right for you. If it's too much to go through all this while also continuing a pregnancy of course you need to terminate if you want to. None of this is your fault. Has your ex mentioned the pregnancy at all? Is he financially supporting and seeing his child still?

You need to choose what's right for you.

But you can't choose a termination on the basis of wanting to hurt him, that kind of thinking will hurt you.

I suspect you know this already.

38 is not old, honestly.

When you are 70, you'll look back and think - my goodness, how young I was and I just couldn't see it!

I’m sorry. Are you sure you can’t tell friends or some close colleagues? Once I got over the shame and opened up about my abusive ex, I was surrounded with all sorts of amazing support from recommendations of solicitors to gifts of furniture etc. Don’t carry this alone x

You understandably won't be thinking straight, and up until now I presume you've been over the moon about the pregnancy. As an outsider looking in, I think you'd regret terminating. Your husband is a cunt but in my view, not a good enough reason to terminate at this late stage. But that's your decision.