Pregnant and my partner has been living a double life

[ittakesavillage]

Hi there, I'm completely new here (or to any forum for that matter)
But I felt I needed to find some support/information as I’m utterly devastated and isolated.

My partner of many years, the father my 1yr old, my unborn baby and the stepdad of my 20-year-old - (I'm 16 weeks pregnant and daughter turned 1, four days ago) has been living a double life!
He has been seeing another woman for 3 years. When I thought he was working nights, going to elder children's sports games, groceries he was with her.... meeting her family, out of town rendezvous. Spending the money that should be spend on our children on his secrets.

A few things haven’t been adding up over the last two weeks so when he was on a work ‘night out’ on Wednesday I logged into his work phone. He had numbers for unnamed people in his notes (not contact) … I saved their numbers into my phone which then adds them on WhatsApp then started stalking names on Facebook, matched profile photos till I recognised the name of a woman ‘he was having a causal relationship with’ prior to me meeting him…

Of course, I messaged her which within seconds turned into a call. I believe she was legitimately as shocked as I! He told her I was a one-night stand then tracked him down once I was 6 months pregnant… Obviously not true. After he confessed that to her when our child was 5 months old THEY WENT TO COUPLE COUNSELING TOGETHER!!! WTF???

As the day has progressed more has come out, he stated to her he wasn’t at our daughter birth, he wasn’t at her birthday party last week, lives with his dad… He has met her whole family…. Takes days off work to spend with her... then comes home to play happy family (he is also a police officer but honesty and integrity are not his forte) What’s worse… Being that I am 16 weeks pregnant, if I was to consider a termination (no offence to anyone out there against it but I’m proudly pro-choice) I need to terminate within the next few weeks… It’s not a very fast process in New Zealand (where I live) so I will be closer to 18/19 weeks (20 weeks is the cut of in NZ)

This procedure will induce labour; therefore, I will be giving birth to my deceased, perfectly formed and innocent baby that only weeks ago we had announced to the world of his/her upcoming arrival.

The utter betrayal, rage, heartbreak that I feel is immense. Not only for myself but also our children, my family. I never planned that at 38 I would be having to consider starting over again.

I can’t tell what few friends I have and as I work in the social service sector, my co-workers are great, but this is too personal (and too similar to clients lives) for me to share with them. I confided in my parent’s, but both are elderly and they feel as betrayed as I.

I want this baby… I do but I feel two under 2’s as a single parent with very little support is going to send me more so over the edge than what I already feel atm.

I want to hurt him like never before, make him feel the pain I feel and know that terminating will absolutely destroy him, especially if it’s a boy as his 2 children to a prior marriage, my eldest and our daughter are all girls …. But it will also break what little feels left in me.

I know its early days, I need to process what has gone on and what is best for me, but I just feel so destroyed.

Please, I don’t want sympathy as it doesn’t take much to get the tears flowing again… I just want to know if anyone else has been unfortunate enough to also be conned by someone they thought they knew and loved while pregnant and how they tried to heal.
48 hours ago, I thought things were perfect

You poor thing, it's hardly any wonder, is it? You lean on the hospital staff all you need to and make sure you get as much support as you possibly can.

Weirdscience comments like that really do not help what so ever in this situation.
It's the OPs decision that they have to consider, I agree nothing should be done in anger but if it's the right decision for them then there is nothing to feel guilty about.

OP please ignore ignorant comments like this.

I am so sorry for you, ypur family and the other woman.
He has done a number on you all.
Id have no qualms on telling the world and his job what he’s done.
Certainly no ‘officer’ i’d want protecting me.
Feel no shame having help from the doctors, im sure many of us have been there
You’ve had an awful shock, many of us would find it hard to cope.

WeirdScenesInsideTheGoldmine
Yep im sure thats exactly what op needs to hear

Dear Op. I’m sorry you are going through this. I would tell his family and your work. You deserve support and have nothing to be ashamed of. As I was reading your thread I was going to ask if he was a police officer and he is. Whilst I wasn’t pregnant I was with a police officer many years ago. We were happy or at least I thought so. We were talking about getting married and had were even looking at wedding brochures. He’d also been having an affair and affairs for years. He’d also done the same to his ex wife. So yes I’ve had the wool totally pulled over my eyes before. If you need to talk you can pm me. I wouldn’t terminate a baby you want you may live to regret it. Have your baby and be the wonderful Mum you are. There is support out there. Confide in work, family and friends when you are ready. Sending you strength and love. X

WeirdScenesInsideTheGoldmine do you think you could ask your comment to be removed, perhaps? OP is in hospital having had a breakdown; seems to have enough stress already without us adding to it? I think that subject is commonly enough discussed for her to be aware of the pros and cons.

ittakesavillage

You are right to feel devastated. Normal to feel broken. You and your dc do not deserve this. But you will survive and get through this.

Similar happened to a friend of mine. Her dcs were teens when she found out about her H's second life. It had been going on for years and he'd hidden it by spending a lot of time 'travelling' for work. (He was charming, very good looking and seemed just the 'nicest' guy a sociopath ). Unfortunately the wealthy lifestyle they lived was also a tissue of lies and she discovered he'd run up enormous debts to maintain the whole pretence and run his two households. It all came out and they lost everything including his job. My friend had had NO idea. For a while she was really broken. She couldn't eat or talk, she couldn't get out of her house from under a blanket. Her dcs had to stay with their grandparents for a few weeks. Of course they lost their house and nice cars etc.

Five years later my friend is now amazing! You would never believe that she'd once felt so desperate and low. She is happy, strong and successful with a new job she loves and a new house of her own. Her dcs are also doing brilliantly. She says she will never regret marrying him because she got her dcs, but she just wishes she had found out about his betrayal many years earlier so she could have become the person she is now a lot sooner.

Keep your head held high and tell everyone you know. Be proud you are escaping strong and free from his manipulation. Tell your colleagues at work. You and they will know that abusers get away with it by keeping secrets. Keep going.

You will be ok.

Hi all,

Thank you once again for your messages. Its strange, I have never joined a forum before but always encouraged clients too. Funny how we never take our own advice.

I should clarify a few things, I’m not in hospital, MMH (maternal mental health) are able to come out to your home and as I was so destressed yesterday they brought the on-call Dr to prescribe meds. Today they informed me that they can offer a bed in respite if needed and I can keep my daughter with me which both scares the shit out of me (because its makes the situation that more real) but also reassures me that there is a backup if needed.

I won’t be making and decisions regarding this pregnancy when I’m feeling so highly triggered and vulnerable. However, time is ticking so I need to concentrate on feeling (being) stronger to be able to figure out what is the best option for me.

WeirdScenesInsideTheGoldmine

I’m totally new to this online forum stuff so I have no idea what OP stands for however, rest assured I am thinking about ALL my options and what will be best for myself as even in my state of turmoil, I know that whatever option I choose must be right for me as if I’m happy my children are happy, if I’m safe my children are safe.

Haffdonga,
Thank you for hitting the other nail on the head regarding finances. He is now 50K in dept. I’m lucky, I have my own wages and try to keep as financially independent as I can (working part time) but I have felt the weight of his financial woes for the last few months as I seem to be covering all the bills/groceries/petrol etc etc.

Laineymc7
I had been wondering if this was a bit of a pattern with police, I’m starting to think it maybe but then I thought I was just making an excuse for his actions. Don’t get me wrong the badge plays a huge role in making him think he is ‘above the law’ and attractive to all women…. BUT like your ex, it also transpires he did this to his ex-wife, prior to wearing a badge.

However, I do feel a little better today. It’s the school holidays here, we have his 2 daughters the 2nd week of each holidays (this week) I called him asking if they could come take baby to the park, so I could have some me time…. In other words, do some work (yes, I know I’m on leave) but doing the admin/database crap does help to keep my mind off things.

The kids doesn’t know about anything… adult issues… and asked if I was going to join them. I hadn’t been out of the house for a few days and it had finally stopped raining (plus I wanted to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible) We went to the park for a few hours. We didn’t talk, we concentrated on the kids, we must have looked as awkward as we felt and totally out of place, but the fresh air did me good.
They gave her dinner/bath then went for what the kids think are a’ few nights sleep over with their cousins from out of town’

I do miss him, shit I miss him.

Ofcourse you miss him, its natural.
It sounds like he hasn't learnt his lesson though.
He doesn't deserve you, or the ( hate to say other woman as that seems rather unfair).
He has strung both of you along.

Ittakesavillage
I’m glad you got out of the house. You are doing so well. Of course you miss him your life has been turned upside down.
Whilst I don’t think the cheating/double life is because of being a police officer I think the profession makes it easier to cheat. I didn’t question any night shifts/overtime etc. Whereas a regular 9-5 you’d notice if you partner wasn’t there in the evenings or overnight.
It sounds like he is a waste of space including a Lying cheating bastard. You pay all the bills etc so you are strong enough to make it without him. It will take time but you will find your way. You sound like a lovely Mum and step mum. Wishing you all the best in whatever you decide. Thinking of you.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation OP your partner is an absolute bellend but with regards to terminating your pregnancy it sounds to me this baby is very much wanted by you & reading through your thread I can't help but think terminating now will hurt you more so than him, yes he will hurt for a time but that's neither here nor there it will be you that will have to live with it for the rest of your life wondering if you really did make the right decision I honestly believe it will tear you up more so than him & he doesn't deserve the satisfaction of hurting you all over again, I really do think you're strong enough to raise your two beautiful children on your own, also I just wanted to add if you really do want to hurt him, tell his boss, tell his family & friends this is his doing & his shame make him own it by telling everyone for you OP you're gonna be ok xx

Shit guys, I wasn’t trying to be offensive! I’m totally pro choice but read (misread) the OP as seeking a termination as knee jerk reaction.

Anyway all the best OP:

How are you doing OP?

village what a weird creature he is...you are amazing...I would thought that his other gf would have joined forces with you: he wronged/ betrayed each of you...she is bizarre if she does not show compassion to you ...of course you feel you still love him because it will take time for your mind to switch from the happy mode when you think of him you are pregnant of his child-he is the father of your toddler-until not long ago you were happy to be with the persona he played...but this persona is dead...it will take time to realise that especially that your body is agitated with hormones and expecting life....you are in a bereavement period and at the same pregnant...be gentle on yourself...try with the help of professionals and the knowledge of how you overcame your past struggles (it looks as if you raised your daughters on your own) to project yourself in the future before making up your mind about whether you keep your baby or you terminate your preganancy. As other ladies said above try to do so without taking into account what would any of your decisions mean for him...your lover is dead...the father of your kids is still alive...be strong!like all ladies here I am sure you are strong, resilient, rational, loving and great mother. ..and this what you will remain regardless of your decision regarding your pregnancy....stay strong for yourself and your kids...

OP = original poster or opening post.

Basically that's the thread starter... you.

While I understand what is being said about police officers....that could apply to any range of professions...

Doctors
Nurses
Lorry drivers
Interstate/national Salesmen

People who want to cheat will find a way to cheat right under your nose.

When you trust...You aren't suspicious.

He must be so insecure to lead such a life. Honesty and integrity clearly mean nothing to him.

For a man with daughters...I wonder if he's given any thought to how he'd feel if this happened to one of them.

The shame is his to carry.

Hi all,

Today started out lovely then all turned to shit... complete shit!
Not really feeling like getting into it all at the moment but thank you for letting me know this is a safe place for me to share/rank/rage/unburden/cry/hate/love and feel supported!

Thank you

You can rant away. Swear, tell your truths, ask for advice, ask for support. Your thread, your way.

When you’re ready.

how completely low of him, what an utter complete shit, and the fact he has daughters just makes it worse !!!

You are being very brave op, you can do this and will go on to shine and show us all what a strong woman is made of

What a douchebag.take a deel breathe and think about what you want. His selfishness has taken your relationship, do you want it to take a future child away from you too? hope you're okay OP x

He needs a good kick up the arse.

Hello village. Another soggy Sunday and after such a sunny week. I hope you have managed to get a bit of head space with him and the children away at the ‘cousins’. How are you doing?