Pregnant and my partner has been living a double life

[ittakesavillage]

Hi there, I'm completely new here (or to any forum for that matter)
But I felt I needed to find some support/information as I’m utterly devastated and isolated.

My partner of many years, the father my 1yr old, my unborn baby and the stepdad of my 20-year-old - (I'm 16 weeks pregnant and daughter turned 1, four days ago) has been living a double life!
He has been seeing another woman for 3 years. When I thought he was working nights, going to elder children's sports games, groceries he was with her.... meeting her family, out of town rendezvous. Spending the money that should be spend on our children on his secrets.

A few things haven’t been adding up over the last two weeks so when he was on a work ‘night out’ on Wednesday I logged into his work phone. He had numbers for unnamed people in his notes (not contact) … I saved their numbers into my phone which then adds them on WhatsApp then started stalking names on Facebook, matched profile photos till I recognised the name of a woman ‘he was having a causal relationship with’ prior to me meeting him…

Of course, I messaged her which within seconds turned into a call. I believe she was legitimately as shocked as I! He told her I was a one-night stand then tracked him down once I was 6 months pregnant… Obviously not true. After he confessed that to her when our child was 5 months old THEY WENT TO COUPLE COUNSELING TOGETHER!!! WTF???

As the day has progressed more has come out, he stated to her he wasn’t at our daughter birth, he wasn’t at her birthday party last week, lives with his dad… He has met her whole family…. Takes days off work to spend with her... then comes home to play happy family (he is also a police officer but honesty and integrity are not his forte) What’s worse… Being that I am 16 weeks pregnant, if I was to consider a termination (no offence to anyone out there against it but I’m proudly pro-choice) I need to terminate within the next few weeks… It’s not a very fast process in New Zealand (where I live) so I will be closer to 18/19 weeks (20 weeks is the cut of in NZ)

This procedure will induce labour; therefore, I will be giving birth to my deceased, perfectly formed and innocent baby that only weeks ago we had announced to the world of his/her upcoming arrival.

The utter betrayal, rage, heartbreak that I feel is immense. Not only for myself but also our children, my family. I never planned that at 38 I would be having to consider starting over again.

I can’t tell what few friends I have and as I work in the social service sector, my co-workers are great, but this is too personal (and too similar to clients lives) for me to share with them. I confided in my parent’s, but both are elderly and they feel as betrayed as I.

I want this baby… I do but I feel two under 2’s as a single parent with very little support is going to send me more so over the edge than what I already feel atm.

I want to hurt him like never before, make him feel the pain I feel and know that terminating will absolutely destroy him, especially if it’s a boy as his 2 children to a prior marriage, my eldest and our daughter are all girls …. But it will also break what little feels left in me.

I know its early days, I need to process what has gone on and what is best for me, but I just feel so destroyed.

Please, I don’t want sympathy as it doesn’t take much to get the tears flowing again… I just want to know if anyone else has been unfortunate enough to also be conned by someone they thought they knew and loved while pregnant and how they tried to heal.
48 hours ago, I thought things were perfect

If you can't confide in friends (and even if you can) I'd strongly urge going to your doctor and seeing what help you could get as soon as possible, e.g. from a counsellor. And whatever advice services there are for pregnant women in difficulty: that's not just for young women. It makes such a difference when people, including professionals, listen to your problems.

Don’t terminate just to hurt him, you’ll end up hurting yourself a lot more. It’s not like this is a foetus throats a few weeks along, as you said, you’ll be approaching the legal limit and it’ll be utterly traumatising.

I also think you want this baby and honestly, you can totally be a single mum to two babies close in age!

I feel your partner will regret his decision more if he sees you doing well and not needing him, missing out on all those firsts with the new baby. This time he WILL miss the birth, not just lie about it.

He’s disgusting and you are so so strong

What an absolute bastard.

I am so sorry that you are going through this utter heartbreak and betrayal. I am not sure I can offer any advice on this, other than to say you will get through it, it will take time but you will.

With regards to the termination, (I am very pro-choice my self) that is something only you can decide. I was a single parent from when my youngest was around 10 weeks old and my eldest had just turned 2, it was hard work but I managed.

So sorry to read this, I have some first hand experience of this 'double life' myself and know how horrid the initial finding out stage is. Be kind to yourself right now and make no rash decisions just yet. Go for the counselling session, no harm in doing so.. I had two under 2 and yes it was hard work!! In fact I don't remember the first three years if I'm totally honest. If you choose to terminate that's your choice no one else's but please think long and hard about doing it out of spite as that could hurt you more in the long run.

I have to agree I do think his behaviour is way beyond normal and he deserves nothing from you, I also understand you saying you love him - I felt the same however resentment has set in big time for me lately.

If you can speak to someone in real life it might be helpful however the support here will be a great help.

Your daughter is grown up. Can she help with her siblings at all to give you a hand whilst you readjust?

I found out 6 months ago about my husband’s secret life (10 years of lies and betrayal). It’s utterly devastating. I’m sorry for what you are going through. I am 8 months pregnant with our first child. It will be really helpful for you to the clinic and talk it through with a counsellor. I found this so helpful because I was convinced that the only option for me would be to terminate. I’m so glad that I could talk it through and come to my own decision about what is right for me. It’s so incredibly difficult but please put yourself first now as much as possible. Get therapy and talk it through with someone - it’s impossible to make sense of it by yourself. 💐

If you want to hurt him, tell his boss.

Shouldn't this be reported to his commanding officers? He's a police officer and what he has done is VERY alarming. He didn't just cheat, he was living two lives. He sounds like a psychopath, and those of his ilk should never be in law enforcement.

Please don't get an abortion as a means of revenge. It will only serve to destroy you. I am so so sorry for all that you're going through, but you will survive this and be better off.

Hope you are ok Op. This must be so much to deal with

Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom. It's 9am in NZ but sleep was somewhat impossible.

His lover and I messaged quite a bit last night. Being that she thought i was a 'one night stand' and got in the way of her relationship with him, she had given me a 'piece offering gift ' for my daughter (a lovely little musical unicorn which she got when i gave birth in July last year) he wrapped it up and gave it to her on Christmas morning... from him! It was kept in her crib. I feel sick to my stomach that I was completely conned by him. ... it's now in the rubbish, along with the shoes and shirts she gave him for Christmas.

He really is one sick sick man! I am so filled with hate and disgust today. Everywhere I look in my home I see something of his and I want to ruin it (I wont though, but he wont know if i use some of this crap to clean the bathroom/toilets... mind you it's his urine from missing the loo)

Im on the fence either way (today) regarding this current pregnancy, who knows where is will be sitting in an hour but I suspect I will be feeling like this regarding many thing for the foreseeable future.
I just just feel lost, numb, betrayed.

Hi Aquamarine1029,

I did fleetingly think of this and have also yelled it at him that the core values as a NZ Police Officer is empathy/honesty and integrity, non of which he has and shouldn't be holding a badge. However, I had two thoughts.....

1# He has a 13yr old and 10yr old (to a prior relationship) and our 1yr old.. He will need to pay for some things financially, without a job it's the kids who will miss out more than him.

2# What if that pushes him over the edge???
Im conscious of the fact that his lies have caught up with him and we are his victims but, he has his car to live in (its winter in NZ), no clothes as they are all here and he wont be wanting to confide any anyone as he will be seen for the man he really is.
I don't want him to self harm.

I think it's important you don't . Ake any major decisions whilst the emotions are still raw.

I'm.sorry you're suffering this. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Sit tight, plod through the difficult times living a life true to your own morals and beliefs. The hurt WILL fade, however impossible that seems now. And you WILL come out the other side, whilst he at the very least will have a humongous child maintenance bill and no self respect left.

Stay strong. But don't terminate unless it's what you want, in your heart AND your brain.

I don't want him to self harm

I’m sure you don’t. But you cannot make decisions based on what he says. How much of what he has said to you has been true?

If you really feel he is planning on hurting himself phone the police and tell them you fear for his safety. More so because he is a police officer.

You need him to pay child support...so don't tell his job.

I think termination is an option... if you want to. Coping with two under two as a single parent won't be easy by a long shot.

Another helpful site and others have been in your shoes of infidelity duting.during pregnancy is
www.survivinginfidelity.com

I agree with sandyY2K

Get some counselling you have time, but not much and you need to make a decision soon. two under 2 gets easier but it’s still always 2 - which will be harder and more expensive.

I don’t mean the in a patronising way but you sound pretty switched on and like “you’ve got this”. What’s happened is truly shocking and would have floored most people. Yes you are in shock, but you have assessed the situation and identifying next steps, I suspect you are stronger than you know.
I strongly agree with you about the job thing you will need the money - right now you need to be pragmatic.

A tool I use myself is to ask: what will this decision look like in 6 months/one year /5 years

Thank you all for your words of wisdom :)

Well... its now 10pm in NZ... So much more has happened today. Gosh where to start.

I think though i need to respond to Homebird8 - Just to clarify, he has never said he would self harm, i was concerned as he has been ‘busted', Personally, I think most humans have been through a time in their lives where they feel trapped and may consider self harming ... but acting on it is a totally different situation. I’m not concerned that he will but if I was to take his ‘work hat’ off him, what would he feel he has left.

Um, I should say, I do have tools, I have been specialising in domestic violence towards women and female offenders for the past 15 years, but this is what makes it so difficult to confide in others. It’s a small sector in NZ and regardless of the Privacy Act, even professionals talk sometimes.

Update, his lover and I were in communication today (she has now blocked me on messenger which I understand). I felt absolutely betrayed that he had called her last night to ‘explain’ his double life yet has had nil contact with me. Not even a text to ask how our daughter is (on typing this he has just texted asking for me to leave some blankets and clothes on deck and he will pick them up…. I’m not responding and I’m turning my phone off).

I also contacted one of his siblings… Within a few hours he was sitting on my sofa and also holding back tears. I got a lot of my chest and he reassured me that the family will always support my daughter and whatever decisions I choose. However, he also informed me about who his brother is and all the betrayal he has caused in the past…. I kept asking why no one had told he years ago, at the end of the day, he is still their brother.

Once bubba was put to bed, I found a heap of stuff his lover had given him…. Beats head phones, Ralph Lauren clothes with the tags still on, shoes, shirts and have listed them as ‘gifts to my partner from his lover’ and put them on Facebook market place to sell. I would have binned them but, my part time wages are not going to cover much.

I’m feeling a little better but maybe that is the medication the Dr gave me… I’m not ashamed to use meds, if it keeps me going, is safe for baby and works then I’m all for it. Its just a pity that my heart is screaming for him to come home. I miss him so much (or the illusion of who he is)

I’m glad you know the NZ ropes through your work ittakesavillage. It sounds like that will be useful. I also get that you cannot rely on confidentiality in NZ whatever the law says. I have been here seven years now and have learned to expect that things will be shared where in the UK they would have remained between myself and a professional.

It’s hard to think that your XP’s family did not ever give you inkling of what they knew about his past and his previous ‘betrayal’. How much you can rely on them, whatever the brother’s assurances, is moot. In the end they are ‘blood’.

Who else do you have? What friends and family can you reach out to? It’s probably best that the OW has blocked you; you can’t help each other. Time to call on your village. And the MN ones.

Glad to hear that your doctor is supporting you. Could you perhaps go elsewhere for further support, where you'd be anonymous?

Selling the gifts on Facebook was a great idea and some medication to get you through this is very pragmatic

This is what I’m talking about!!! You are clearly smart and resilient

Try and get some sleep and make sure you eat properly and try and get some exercise (walk in the park with the pram or something)

Well.... update, yesterday i had what must be as close to a break down as you can get. The maternal mental health team from hospital are involved, i was sedated and i just feel at such a lose.

Today (10.30am) I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and just broken. I watching my little one dance and wondering how her father could have done this to her, to this unborn baby, to me.

Just broken.

Oh village what an awful time you are going through. I am so glad you have hospital support, it sounds like you need it. It sounds like you’re home again though. Are you getting checked on by the maternal health team? Are there adults who can be with you?

If you want to post in the NZ daytime, I’m here to listen. I don’t know about how much help I can be but at least I’m awake on the right side of the planet.

Fucking hell! Don ' t terminate to hurt him. Hurt him by living well.

Village did you talk with the maternity services about your thoughts on termination?

Everything you have said tells me you don’t want to do it. If that’s the case then don’t let him break that too. I know you don’t feel strong now but you will again. If you want to have a younger sibling for your little dancer, you can.

For now, one moment at a time. One slow breath at a time.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I just don't get this total lack of decency.

Putting you through this is just awful. Take all the help you can get.

You will get through this.

You are incredibly strong and resilient. Take each day hour by hour and focus on the important things which is your children.
Tbh he sounds like a sociopath if it wasn't you it would be someone else. I know that doesn't sound like much comfort at this point but you must realise thinking morally about how he could do something won't help as he clearly doesn't have any.
But you have a amazing daughter who will bring you joy smiles and laughter. As for your decision nobody can make that for you but would echo what others have said in that don't do it to hurt him it will hurt you more in the future. You have more support than you realise with his family and I'm sure your friends will be there every step with you.
Your stronger than you realise and you will get through to the other side and have the happiness you deserve