Devastated - my fiance has been texting his ex

[LeilaJRoch]

• Need advice please. My fiancé and I have a very happy, loving relationship. We love each other very much.
However, I have always had a niggle about his ex (who he was engaged to,) and have been quite possessive and jealous over the issue for years. To be fair to me this started when a year into our relationship she got in touch with him and basically asked him to get back with her. I remained quite cool and calm throughout the situation and encouraged him to meet with her to explain why this wasn’t possible and end the conversation fairly and amicably. He ended up staying out with her until 1am and got very drunk and didn’t call me afterwards until prompted. This I felt was disrespectful and unfair considering how reasonable I was about the situation. We moved on and put it behind us (be not so much but anyway) and got engaged this year. We are going to be married in November.
Last night I found emails on his phone from him to her only two years ago (way after all that happened) saying that “I would leave her in a second for you.” Needless to say I was devastated and went mental. We both had a lot to drink and he completely denied that the email existed and obviously has now dele3ted all evidence. He is still denying it and I am confused angry and upset. Am I being gaslighted? Could I have imagined this (as was pretty drunk.) What can I do? Please I need help and advice. I want us to move on but cannot do this until he admits the truth.

You poor thing. I'd be devastated as well. What do you mean imagined it? You remember the email? He sounds like a liar and I wouldn't be marrying him if I'd read that. I'm so sorry.

Where is the ex living now?

I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship with him. You know what you saw and if he’s saying you’re making it up, then yes he’s also gas lighting you.

But if they both want to be together, why aren't they? Hugs

Do not marry this man. He's not only lying to you, he's also lying to her.He'd leave in a second? So why hasn't he? Sorry, must be horrible but he is not trustworthy.

I think the reason they aren't together is because she doesn't want to be. She has since got married. I am started to think that what happened a year in was actually him initiating it and not her and she turned him down. I'm such a mug.

We have spent so much on this wedding as have my parents. I just can't imagine chucking the towel in. I'm starting to doubt myself whether I saw this properly on his phone or not - I was pretty drunk.

Can you marry someone that is lying to you about something so serious?

As a mum I'm telling you right now that I would rather my kids spent every penny I had and still cancel the wedding than feel they had to go ahead and marry someone they weren't sure about because they felt obligated to due to the money. Money is made and spent. A life time of unhappiness is not so easily recovered.

How long ago did your fiancée go out until 1am with his ex?
And then 2 years on from that night are when the emails are dated?

How have the last two years been for you in terms of your relationship and his behaviour?

It’s a tricky one. Reading something like that - I think you probably did see that regardless of how drunk you were - is extremely hurtful and will make you reevaluate your whole relationship.

However for me I think the last two years would be what I would base my decision on. If it’s been great, you’ve been really happy and he hasn’t made you feel paranoid or insecure then I’d be tempted to see this as a hiccup and look to the future.
However he really needs to be honest, denying it all makes him seem even more suspicious and would make me wonder if this is just the tip of the iceberg.
It’s a horrible situation to be in though so I really do wish you all the best.

Is this how you want your life to be? Constantly on edge, doubting yourself, anxious, worrying about where he is and who he's with? Don't fall into the sunk costs fallacy. This man is a liar and your mental health will suffer if you stay with him.

Lying to the point your partner questions reality, what they've seen with their own eyes, is gaslighting and it's abusive. You know he's not over his ex and would leave you for her if she gave him the nod. Don't waste any more time or money on him. You'd be absolutely bloody mad to marry him. This relationship can never be an equal, happy or secure one. Two choices, end it now and work on your self esteem, or carry on through the dregs of a miserable dying relationship until everyone's denial runs out and it ends anyway - after many more months or even years of wasted time and money that you could have invested in your own happiness.

Getting married and then divorced will cost a lot more than calling it off now

Why don't you ask her?

It’s not the kind of thing you just imagine. However, it sounds like you both have a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Can you sit down and discuss it calmly with him without either of you touching any alcohol? It’s definitely exacerbating the problems here.

You know deep down that you shouldn't get married.
This will eat away at you for years to come if you do.
He is a liar and you deserve better. Tell your parents, they will understand and I'm sure they would rather lose their money than their daughter threw her life away on a cheat and a liar.
Get it out in the open with your friends and family. Tell them. As soon as you do it will be like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and you will get the love and support you need to break this off and start your life again.

A cancelled wedding is incidental compared to a marriage started in these circumstances.
In my vast experience of getting married - trust me I should carry a certificate - don't marry him with these concerns.
Wobbles at the altar are normal.
Having bunting hanging from your dress is not.

Fevs. It was three years ago he stayed out until 1am. It was the yea later that he sent the email. It has been a very happy two years and I have no reason to suspect him of anything else at all. I think I can move on from this if he tells me the truth but I will never forgive him. Consequently, feeling that angry and betrayed for the rest of my life isn't appealing. Or am I being immature and dramatic? I know some people could be the bigger person and move on but I know I just can't.

And I don't want to ask her. This really is nothing to do with her. It's up to him to come clean.

Money is made and spent. A life time of unhappiness is not so easily recovered.

This ^

"a year into our relationship she got in touch with him and basically asked him to get back with her" - do you know this for definite or is this what he told you?

As for imagining what you saw, two years ago is weirdly specific, surely if you'd imagined it it'd be more recent. Do you have form for "imagining" things?

Regarding the money, that is spent - it will not be recovered by you being trapped in a marriage with a gaslighting cheat - classic sunken costs fallacy. It'll cost a lot to divorce too. Please think carefully before you marry this man, personally I would want a clean slate with someone I could trust.

The way he's reacted tells me spades about what kind of person he is. He's gaslighting you.

You've had your warning sign - this is it. Run for the hills now while you still can.

Your Mum knows you better than anybody. Could you discuss this with her, calmly, and be careful to give the full picture about what happened when. I feel she would be your best sounding board, and can reassure you or push you to action if that is needed.

It is what he told me. It could well have been him that got in touch with her. In fact, that's probably what happened and she turned him down.

What I don't understand though is why, if he was the one who got in touch with his ex, he would tell you that she contacted him, rather than just sneak off to meet her behind your back? Or were there circumstances which meant he couldn't have just snuck off?

That's true. No there weren't. He could have snuck off easily as we didn't live together then. I feel like I am going mad.