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Original poster

Devastated - my fiance has been texting his ex

73 replies

LeilaJRoch · 12/07/2018 12:58

• Need advice please. My fiancé and I have a very happy, loving relationship. We love each other very much.
However, I have always had a niggle about his ex (who he was engaged to,) and have been quite possessive and jealous over the issue for years. To be fair to me this started when a year into our relationship she got in touch with him and basically asked him to get back with her. I remained quite cool and calm throughout the situation and encouraged him to meet with her to explain why this wasn’t possible and end the conversation fairly and amicably. He ended up staying out with her until 1am and got very drunk and didn’t call me afterwards until prompted. This I felt was disrespectful and unfair considering how reasonable I was about the situation. We moved on and put it behind us (be not so much but anyway) and got engaged this year. We are going to be married in November.
Last night I found emails on his phone from him to her only two years ago (way after all that happened) saying that “I would leave her in a second for you.” Needless to say I was devastated and went mental. We both had a lot to drink and he completely denied that the email existed and obviously has now dele3ted all evidence. He is still denying it and I am confused angry and upset. Am I being gaslighted? Could I have imagined this (as was pretty drunk.) What can I do? Please I need help and advice. I want us to move on but cannot do this until he admits the truth.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 12/07/2018 21:56

Agreed... you saw this Email.. it is real...

he sounds like a complete dick OP... you make sure you decide what is right for you Lady.... not Him... you deserve better Flowers

starryeyed19 · 12/07/2018 22:11

I married someone I didn't want to and spent 16 years trying to get out of it. Whatever happens, even if you just postpone the wedding, don't get married until you are absolutely sure. I couldn't trust someone who had done either of those things, never mind both of them

AtreidesFreeWoman · 12/07/2018 23:03

Have to pick up on this from a pp "most men".

truth be told there are a lot of men out there who behave badly.

I'm teaching my son not to be one of them.

My DH isn't one of them and neither is my father.

On the FWR boards we talk about NAMALT ( not all men are like that) with the experience that sadly most men are "like that".

They behave that way because they think they can and mainly because women let them.

Would you want your daughter to be treated this way?

Take a step back and think about this. What does it say about him?

More importantly what does it say about you?

SandyY2K · 13/07/2018 04:04

It's really not "most men". Go to www.survivinginfidelity.com and read the 'JFO - Just Found Out't thread.

Every other cheater is female. It's pretty much 50/50. Years ago I used to think it was MM and single OWs.

I wouldn't marry a man who was managing Me, because he couldn't be with the one he really wanted to be with.

Who wants to be a booby prize or second best. No thanks.

Monty27 · 13/07/2018 04:11

Don't get married.cut the losses. He can't be trusted.

OrdinaryGirl · 13/07/2018 05:52

OP, you must know deep down that you aren't going to 'get the truth' by talking with him.
You've already said you feel like you're going mad. You're not! Your instincts are screaming at you to trust them and because what they're telling you means you can't marry this guy, you're looking for us to provide reassurance. Based on everything you've said, the evidence suggests that reassuring you would be really irresponsible under the circumstances.

Marriage is hard at times, even when you're with someone you love and trust implicitly. Having kids makes it about a million times harder. I implore you not to set yourself up for a marriage where you start out feeling like this. It would be heartbreaking. You have a chance for that NOT to be your path.

itbemay · 13/07/2018 07:12

What I don't understand though is why, if he was the one who got in touch with his ex, he would tell you that she contacted him, rather than just sneak off to meet her behind your back?

This is a good point and very likely he told you so if she agreed to get back with him it would make him leaving you easier...

Please don’t marry this loser, you deserve so much more Flowers

FiestaThenSiesta · 13/07/2018 07:47

I really don’t understand why anyone thinks he’d tell OP the truth. Why? What would be the benefit for him from coming clean?

Not a clear conscience - he’s shown he’s ok with lying. Why would he admit yeah ok, you’ve always been my plan B if things didn’t work out for my ex? He’d look like an ass in front of everyone. Much easier to tell everyone you’re a drunk, a crazy jealous harpie and you’re calling off the wedding because you imagined seeing something on your phone. He’ll get told he dodged a bullet not marrying you.

Please don’t sit him down thinking he’s going to be honest.

SandyY2K · 13/07/2018 15:49

I really don’t understand why anyone thinks he’d tell OP the truth. Why?

Chances are slim...but sometimes in these situations, it's the lies and trickle truth that can do more harm than the act itself.

He could tell the truth in the hope and belief he'll be forgiven.

Though if he did...I can't see why anyone would marry a man who clearly wasn't his first choice and was settling because he couldn't have her.

OP.... you didn't dream up those words...don't let him convince you otherwise.

Slightlyjaded · 13/07/2018 16:12

I don't get the all-being- resolution of 'the truth'. You will have no way of ever knowing if what he tells you is or is not the truth. But you have YOUR truth.

Your truth is that he was trying to get back with his ex - practically begging her to take him back - and you have seen irrefutable evidence of this. Not only this, but he tried to make you doubt yourself by deleting and denying. If there was any salvaging to be done, it would have been when you confronted him where he should have say 'yes, I did and as things stand, I feel xxx or yyy'. He didn't he lied and gaslighted and denied.

Fuck the truth.

This is all the truth you need.

Please please do not marry him. Not for all the face-saving, money-spent, people's-arrangements, lovely-presents, special-day reasons you can come up with. A wedding is A SINGLE DAY. Marriage, is the REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH A LIAR.

Sorry for being harsh. It's a horrible situation, but you have a chance to escape. Good luck.

supersop60 · 13/07/2018 16:51

When you tell him you are calling it off, his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

HollowTalk · 13/07/2018 17:01

You mustn't marry anyone who can look you in the eyes and lie to you.

SmileSweetly · 13/07/2018 18:27

There are three problems here:

1.) you have absolutely no trust in him.
2.) he has lied to you and disrespected your relationship.
3.) he would rather be with her than you, you will always feel like the backup plan.

There is absolutely no way you can stay with him and marry him with those huge problems in your relationship.

I'm sorry, get out now and don't waste any more years flogging a dead horse.

AnyFucker · 13/07/2018 18:32

How are things, op ?

YearOfYouRemember · 13/07/2018 18:33

How did the talk go ?

ChristmasFluff · 13/07/2018 18:34

Do you want to marry a liar?

Gemini69 · 15/07/2018 00:15

what did you decide to do OP Flowers

Monty27 · 15/07/2018 01:00

Tumbleweed Confused

MilkshakeMonkey · 15/07/2018 08:01

Depending how tech savvy he is, you may be able to get emails back.

I know you said you didn’t want to contact her but I think it would give you another side to the story. Compose an email that is pleasant, just explaining you need some clarification before you marry and you have no grudges/ill feelings to her. Before you send it, show it to fiancé-he tells you the truth or you find out some other way.

If you don’t sort this before you marry and completely trust him before going down the isle - I’m afraid to say your marriage is doomed. He will continue to try and ‘get away with’ disrespecting you and further betrayal. Imagine going through this again in the future and children are involved-anyone who has been through that will tell you how awful that is. Because then it’s not just breaking your heart-it’s there’s too .
Flowers OP you can do this - your future self will thank you

AgentJohnson · 15/07/2018 11:25

Come on OP you know exactly what you should do. Your relationship is only ‘good’ when you are in the dark. This is who he is, can you imagine the anxiety you would feel if his Ex ever became single?

There isn’t a more honest version of him waiting round the corner and if you were foolish to marry him, it would only confirm to him that you are ok with his lies because there haven’t really been any permanent consequences to him for them.

Take the financial hit, it would be a lot less then getting divorced and a lot less than the emotional cost of being married to a compulsive liar.

SandyY2K · 15/07/2018 13:27

@LeilaJRoch
How are you doing.
Did you manage to talk to him and get any truth.

Whatsnoton · 15/07/2018 13:31

Oh you poor thing that's awful, please don't marry this man.

Original poster
LeilaJRoch · 16/07/2018 11:46

Hey all thank you for your messages. xx

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