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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devastated - my fiance has been texting his ex

73 replies

LeilaJRoch · 12/07/2018 12:58

• Need advice please. My fiancé and I have a very happy, loving relationship. We love each other very much.
However, I have always had a niggle about his ex (who he was engaged to,) and have been quite possessive and jealous over the issue for years. To be fair to me this started when a year into our relationship she got in touch with him and basically asked him to get back with her. I remained quite cool and calm throughout the situation and encouraged him to meet with her to explain why this wasn’t possible and end the conversation fairly and amicably. He ended up staying out with her until 1am and got very drunk and didn’t call me afterwards until prompted. This I felt was disrespectful and unfair considering how reasonable I was about the situation. We moved on and put it behind us (be not so much but anyway) and got engaged this year. We are going to be married in November.
Last night I found emails on his phone from him to her only two years ago (way after all that happened) saying that “I would leave her in a second for you.” Needless to say I was devastated and went mental. We both had a lot to drink and he completely denied that the email existed and obviously has now dele3ted all evidence. He is still denying it and I am confused angry and upset. Am I being gaslighted? Could I have imagined this (as was pretty drunk.) What can I do? Please I need help and advice. I want us to move on but cannot do this until he admits the truth.

OP posts:
Sisgal · 12/07/2018 14:53

Do not marry someone because money has been spent and people will feel let down etc - your man is a liar. Do not have him make you believe you imagined the email. It might not seem or feel like it now but you have had such a lucky escape from this man.

dirtybadger · 12/07/2018 14:56

Google sunk cost fallacy.

Dont marry the loser

letsdolunch321 · 12/07/2018 15:00

Unfortunately you will always be second guessing what he is doing if you do marry him.

On reading the situation, I would say you are his back up plan which would greatly concern me.

Starlighter · 12/07/2018 15:03

It’s worrying that he’s making you wonder whether imagined the email...

Trust yourself. You saw it. I’d definitely be wary of this behaviour and the possibility that he might’ve cheated.

Have you checked the deleted items? Or the sent folder?

Cawfee · 12/07/2018 15:05

What are you doing? You need to go and get proper professional help from a therapist before you marry this man. If there was no email, nothing at all existed, zero communication between them then you wouldn’t have had anything to see? Right? You saw something. Something he has now deleted. If the email said “how’s things in your neck of the woods. Hope you’re well” then he wouldn’t have needed to delete it right? You saw him telling her he’d dump you for her. Then he deleted it and denied it. So not only has he betrayed you, he’s a liar. Do you really want to marry and spend the rest of your life with a man who would have dumped you for somebody else if she’d clicked her fingers? Do you? Really? Write all of this down in a message and send it to your entire family and best friends and get their opinions. How would you feel knowing that they know you are his second choice?

Cancel the wedding and move on with your life and find somebody who isn’t deceitful.

Doingreat · 12/07/2018 15:11

OP he is gaslighting you. That's abusive behaviour as he is making you question your judgement. At the very least you saw SOMETHING. You saw an email. Where is it now? If it was innocent why has he deleted it?

You've got past him disrespecting you once before with regards to his ex. Don't let it happen again.

As for calling off the wedding, many of us going through horrible divorces wish we had called off our own weddings. I know i do anyway.

AtreidesFreeWoman · 12/07/2018 15:22

Why on earth would you plough on with marrying this man?

Whatever's been spent on the wedding it's going to cost you a lot less than a divorcee a few years down the line.

What can he possibly offer that's worth spending the rest of your life wondering if you were a "consolation bride"?

This is the sort of shit that will simply eat away at you and your self esteem.

By all means ask him the truth, but generally it's fair to say that someone whose lied repeatedly word on anything is less than worthless.

This strike me as a classic "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me".

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 12/07/2018 15:22

Your dm would be truly gutted to think you put their feelings before your own on this.

3luckystars · 12/07/2018 15:34

Just say to him, ‘I am going to give you one chance to tell the whole truth. I’m calling the wedding off regardless but if you have any feelings for me at all, now is your chance to tell me the truth.’

Then shut your mouth.

You did not imagine it.

He is a liar.

You don’t have to make any decisions today but you need him to tell you the truth so you can make a decision with all the information.

You can’t talk about anything else, nothing else matters.

LyndseyKola · 12/07/2018 16:10

It’s not just the fact he’s a cheat.

He’s not even willing to admit it to you. You saw it with your own eyes yet he’s telling you you imagined it.

If he’d said ‘look, yea I’ve been in love with my ex for most of our relationship but in the past couple years I’ve realised I want you’ you could make decisions with that info.

But he won’t even allow you the dignity of that. He’s trying to put you in a position where you make massive decisions about your future such as whether to marry him based on his lies. He won’t give you the respect of being honest so you can decide.

Which isn’t a surprise cos he’s a liar and a cheat (he’s been having an emotional affair with her and no doubt would have turned physical if it already hasn’t).

This is who he is. If you want to be second best cos he can’t have his ex and don’t mind marrying a man who now knows he can cheat on you emotionally and lie to your face and pine after another woman (with her knowledge) behind your back, then marry him.

You know all this already. I reckon you want posters to say ‘maybe you did imagine the message’ so you can try convince yourself it’s true and go back to how things were before. But you can’t. You saw it. And even if you decide to forget it, on your wedding day you won’t be thinking of how excited you are to marry a man who you love and trust. You’ll be thinking ‘am I doing the right thing? Does he wish I was her?’.

Don’t degrade and humiliate yourself walking down the aisle to this man.

magoria · 12/07/2018 17:15

Good grief don't get married!

The second she is free you will be dumped, married or not.

Talk to your parents. The sooner you cancel wedding stuff the higher chance you and your parents have of getting money back. Any thing you lose is much less important that what will happen after a wedding.

You deserve better.

3luckystars · 12/07/2018 17:49

Is there anyone you can talk to in real life?
I’m so sorry but if there is a silver lining to this black cloud, it is that you found out before the wedding. You can make a decision now based on facts. He is a liar and the rest of your life will be filled with anxiety if you marry him.

Doingreat · 12/07/2018 17:54

OP please talk to your parents. They love you and would not want you to go ahead with a wedding just because they had spent their money on it. I say this as a parent myself and posters who are parents will feel the same way. Can you imagine marrying him while feeling like this?

esk1mo · 12/07/2018 18:02

you’re always going to be 2nd best to her. i dont mean to sound harsh, you can do better.

SandyY2K · 12/07/2018 18:27

Sounds like a case of if you can't be with the one you love ..love the one your with.

He couldn't have her, so he settled for you.

The gaslighting is abusive. Tell him you know what you read...if he can't be honest...your impending marriage is doomed IMO.

Original poster
LeilaJRoch · 12/07/2018 18:52

Thank you everyone for your honesty and empathy. I definitely cannot tell my parents before I make a decision as they would literally kill him and it’s not worth the drama. Have spoken to two friends and work colleagues about it today and they have advised to go home and talk it out clearly and calmly and get the truth. Then can make a decision. Wish me luck. Thanks again all

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 12/07/2018 18:58

I'm so sorry OP. You can't marry this man. I know it might seem to you now like you have to because you have invested so much, financially and emotionally, but he has no respect for you and you will quite rightly never ever be able to trust him. This is no life for you.

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/07/2018 19:14

Well it's pretty obvious he's not the sort you ought to marry, and you wont get the truth out of a liar anyway. You know enough to end the relationship now.

Next time this happens you could have a child to consider and how shit will you feel then?.

Gruffalina72 · 12/07/2018 19:16

You're not being immature or dramatic. If anything you're massively under reacting.

Somebody who loves you wouldn't gaslight you, which is exactly what he's done by making you question your sanity. Gaslighting is abusive. Abusing you means he doesn't love or respect you.

Talk to him by all means, but don't let him manipulate you. His reaction tells you all you need to know about him. I have a sinking feeling he will try and flip this back onto you and make you the one in the wrong instead of owning his behaviour.

Take care.

5LeafClover · 12/07/2018 19:35

So sorry to read this OP. I hope you get the truth and apologies you're after....but don't be afraid to walk away if you don't. You wrote that your parents would kill him if they knew what has gone on....they obviously care about you and want you to be treated well. So I guess my worry is that you are prepared to accept less than this for yourself. If you were my daughter I would want more than anything for you to be brave and look after yourself.

Mayday01 · 12/07/2018 19:42

He wouldn't have deleted it if he were innocent.

Thingsdogetbetter · 12/07/2018 19:54

Who keeps emails they sent to their ex two years ago, innocent or otherwise? Are you sure you got the date right? Is it possible they were more recent than that? He's already lied and tried to gaslight you so the chances of him coming clean now are minimal. Please listen to your gut and don't allow stubborn pride wreak your future. Better short term embarrassment and financial loss now than a lifetime od paranoia.

woodenblock · 12/07/2018 20:01

I don't have anything to say or advice just that most men are absolutely disgusting and I'm sorry. I'd run for the hills. I know it's easy enough for me to say that though.

Thanks
Fiirefly · 12/07/2018 20:40

Can I just say as a parent I'd rather lose thousands and thousands on a wedding than see my daughter get married when she isn't 100% happy.

Honeyroar · 12/07/2018 21:46

Why would you imagine an email? Of course you saw it...