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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment

65 replies

Watda · 12/07/2018 11:00

I’m currently on the receiving end of the silent treatment. We are now in day two and I’m starting to feel upset.

We had a fairly minor argument yesterday and he hasn’t spoken to me since. He doesn’t like it when I tell him I’m not happy about something.

I’ve tried to engage him yesterday and this morning in conversation but only end up with one word answers.

My mother is in hospital and he hasn’t asked how she is or anything.

How do I cope/deal with this?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/07/2018 11:03

Silent treatment and sulking like this is really unattractive and unreasonable. Do you want to be with someone who acts like this?

wisenedowl · 12/07/2018 11:12

I found this is something that changed for my DH over time - used to sulk like a teenager in his twenties, disappeared sometime in the early thirties - possibly because I found it dysfunctional and deeply unattractive. How old are you both?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/07/2018 11:23

Just leave him to it. Go and visit your Mum. Go out with friends. Go to the park. Leave him to sulk.

Or has he gone to work now?

hellsbellsmelons · 12/07/2018 11:27

Make some plans to not be around him for the next couple of days.
This is called 'stonewalling abuse'
It's a horrible thing to do to someone you are supposed to love.
Are you married?
Do you have DC together?
This is not something I would accept.
But for now, stop trying to engage him in anything.
Happy and breezy front from you and go out and do stuff and leave him to his sulks.

Original poster
Watda · 12/07/2018 11:31

No, we aren’t married and have no children together. He has previously raised that he hates getting the silent treatment so
I have always been careful not to do it to him.

Unfortunately we work together. He is being all happy and jolly with other colleagues and totally ignoring me.

It’s really awful and I feel like crying. How can someone be so cold?

OP posts:
Original poster
Watda · 12/07/2018 11:32

I’m mid 30s and he is mid 40s.

OP posts:
loobylou10 · 12/07/2018 11:36

Just carry on as normal. Ignore his sulk, it will drive him mad. Don’t let him see he is upsetting you, dick head. Hope your mum is ok Flowers

Djnoun · 12/07/2018 11:38

This is abusive, absolutely. It's a way of trying to gain control over you.

Now is not the time, but try to address this with him at a time when things are not too heated. If you feel unable to discuss it, or feel that he will refuse to listen to you or will repeat this treatment, I think you need to consider ending the relationship. But if he'll listen and address it, it could just be a childish outburst.

He's acting like this out of emotional immaturity. Try as much as possible not to invest in it. He'll stop eventually, so just keep busy in the meantime.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/07/2018 11:43

If you're not married and have no kids, I'd end it to be honest. Life it too short to be manipulated like this.

You being upset is exactly the reaction he's looking for. It's mean and a form of controlling you.

Ditch him. Move on with your life. Yes, working together will be awkward but you'll get through it.

Sorry. Flowers

thricethebrindledcat · 12/07/2018 12:50

40 but still a baby?

You know what the solution is, OP.

Lottapianos · 12/07/2018 12:54

'It’s really awful and I feel like crying. How can someone be so cold?'

My mother is a stonewaller and I have been on the receiving end many times. It's really upsetting and makes you feel completely powerless. You become obsessed with trying to please the other person and trying to get them to talk to you and acknowledge you again because you feel so shut out. It takes an enormous amount of energy to deal with.

It's dysfunctional, abusive behaviour OP, it's not good for your emotional wellbeing and you don't have to put up with it. I don't see much of my mother anymore

MellowMelly · 12/07/2018 13:00

So he doesn’t like the silent treatment being aimed at himself but can dish it out on his own terms...

This was like when my ex said he hated men that abused women and then went on to abuse me.

How long have you been together?

GeorgeIII · 12/07/2018 13:01

Imv the way to respond is to be (or appear to be) absolutely unaffected by it. Speak to him if you want eg I'm off to the shops, I might be late tonight. But live your life unconnected to him. But the main thing is to appear unaffected, he is being nasty and trying to upset you so I'm sure you can dam well carry on regardless, and ignore his behaviour.
If you try to discuss it with him he has 'won' in his eyes. So he might do it again.
Get busy, go out, plan a holiday, start classes, start running etc ;

itsclaire · 12/07/2018 13:03

You become obsessed with trying to please the other person and trying to get them to talk to you and acknowledge you again because you feel so shut out

That is probably why they do it. Do the opposite. Show them it doesn’t work.

There was a sulker like this at uni. She soon stopped it when no one took any notice.

Shoxfordian · 12/07/2018 13:09

He hates getting the silent treatment but doesn't mind giving it to you

Ltb

cakecakecheese · 12/07/2018 14:14

At the very least go and stay somewhere until he has the decency to actually talk to you but I'd highly recommend leaving for good as this cruel, petty and childish. I'm really angry on your behalf actually.

pissedonatrain · 12/07/2018 15:22

He's too old to be doing that nonsense. It's mean and would completely put me off.

rememberatime · 12/07/2018 15:30

My ex did this too. Once for 6 weeks. My crime was not sticking to my diet. Hence he's my ex...

My advice is to say once that you know he's giving you the silent treatment and you will not tolerate it because it is abusive.
Explain you will be polite to him because that's the way adults behave. Tell him when he's ready to talk you are available. But the silent treatment will result in the end of the relationship.
One and only one chance

rememberatime · 12/07/2018 15:32

An adult eill day that they feel upset right now and need some time to think. But the tell you, they are respectful to you. They explain their feelings.

XJerseyGirlX · 12/07/2018 15:37

Wow, what a man! and you find this man attractive op? Really?

Original poster
Watda · 12/07/2018 15:51

I am not entirely blameless in this I would add. He did something which annoyed me and I told him so in a very forthright manner. I didn’t swear at him or raise my voice but he knew I was annoyed.

OP posts:
Baumederose · 12/07/2018 15:56

Ok. Making the classic mistake. You I mean. Yes you.

That's what the silence is for.

You are reasonable. You are now reflecting on your behaviour. This is normal.

A man of 40 giving the silent treatment is abnormal. He wants you to take the blame. So he doesnt have to. He is emotionally immature. This will not change. Or improve.

My ex was like this. Longest sulk? 3 months. Yes, 3 months. I cannot now even remember why it began. Trivial.

I left. And never went back.

Please do not pander to this. It will get worse.

If you have any sense at all. Run away now.

Beamur · 12/07/2018 15:56

My DH used to sulk, until the penny dropped (to me) that this was a tactic to both punish me and make me apologise, tempered with him not being very good at talking about things that upset him.
How to deal with it? Ignore, don't try to ameliorate, apologise if you think you have been unfair/said too much, but don't take all the responsibility for making it right.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/07/2018 16:00

Leave him - why would you hang around letting this shit continue?

Your mum is ill, all you did was to be forthright, and he is freezing you out, trying to humiliate you by making it oh-so-obvious that he’s super friendly to everyone else but ignoring you...?

He’s a twat. Don’t waste your time. Unless you think wasting years of your life is a good idea.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/07/2018 16:01

And yes to not responding to the sulking fool. Carry on as breezily and normally as possible and don’t try to reach out to him.

Let him stew in his own childish, petulant manchild crap.