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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment

65 replies

Watda · 12/07/2018 11:00

I’m currently on the receiving end of the silent treatment. We are now in day two and I’m starting to feel upset.

We had a fairly minor argument yesterday and he hasn’t spoken to me since. He doesn’t like it when I tell him I’m not happy about something.

I’ve tried to engage him yesterday and this morning in conversation but only end up with one word answers.

My mother is in hospital and he hasn’t asked how she is or anything.

How do I cope/deal with this?

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 12/07/2018 16:01

Please a man of mid 40’s acting like a two year old. Seriously, tell him how much he is fucking you off along with if the behaviour continues he will be a lonely bastard on his own.

Waste of space

pallisers · 12/07/2018 16:05

ignore him completely, don't try to talk to him, don't apologise, don't ask him what is wrong.

And think long and hard whether this is really what you want in your life. Mature adults don't react like this. And the joking around with everyone else - he sounds like Keith down the youth club age 15 having a fight with his girlfriend

zebrano · 12/07/2018 16:23

It can also be a tactic used in coercive control. E.g. Maybe he doesn't want you to go out with a friend and you argue about it, then he stonewalls you. It feels so unpleasant that next time friend asks if you want to meet up you automatically decline, subconsciously you don't want to go through the unpleasantness again. Have a really good think about what the arguement was about and could it be that he's trying to make you change your behaviour.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 12/07/2018 16:28

Ugh. I had an ex like this (and my DF was the same to my DM so I suppose it seemed "normal" to me). It generally lasted a week - we didn't live together and I would be forbidden to text or call him. Then after a week he would call, and I would be pathetically grateful that he had dropped the charges, even though looking back, it was always his unreasonable behaviour that started each and every argument.

I joined MN to ask a question about him, probably about seven years ago. I posted under AIBU and every single reply came back "run for the hills" but I was so far into being gaslighted that I kept replying "but I'm sure I'm wrong". Argh!!!

I'm with someone now who would absolutely never behave like that and I can't believe that I stuck with the ex but .... you get sucked in. So I understand.

Lottapianos · 12/07/2018 16:30

Lobster, well done for getting out of that situation. It's not easy and that kind of behaviour seriously messes with your head

pointythings · 12/07/2018 16:37

He did something which annoyed me and I told him so in a very forthright manner. I didn’t swear at him or raise my voice but he knew I was annoyed.

You expressed yourself like an adult. he has responded by behaving like a sulky two-year-old. Honestly, just dump him. You deserve so much better.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 12/07/2018 16:42

@Lottapianos thank you! It was brought home to me by my DD, now nearly 21, as it was the first relationship she'd seen me in and she hated seeing me change from a confident, outgoing person into the shrivelled wreck I ended up as in his company. I equally realised that my parents had set a pattern that I was following and I definitely wanted better for her (her DF has never been involved).

Hopefully the mould has been broken.

Wishing you luck, OP. It doesn't change overnight but, per my last post, hearing from the wise women on here that this is just not right was the first step for me.

TurnipCake · 12/07/2018 16:53

It's a form of abuse OP and how dare the fucker do it you you when your mother is ill

Bin him off, you deserve better

Doingreat · 12/07/2018 18:28

He's giving you the silent treatment.

He's shunning you in front of your work colleagues. While being jolly with them to rub it in even more.

He's being unsupportive while you worry about your sick mother.

That's all unforgivable in my book.

He doesn't care about you or respect you.

I hope your mum feels better.

Limpopobongo · 12/07/2018 19:05

Leave. It may be a relief for you both..

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2018 22:53

Just leave him already. Why are you wasting your life on this year?

HollowTalk · 12/07/2018 22:56

I always breathe a HUGE sigh of relief when an OP is living with a complete twat but isn't married to him and doesn't have children. There's the exit, OP!

Why would you stay with this kind of man. You have everything going for you at your age - he's mid 40s and STILL sulking? And he's childish, too, laughing and joking with colleagues but ignoring you. It's a very, very unattractive quality.

If you stay, this will continue. And yes, you are being forced to examine your behaviour - that's why he's doing it. I'd be tempted to move out without telling him - that would take the smirk off his face.

Hissy · 12/07/2018 23:07

You are too young to put up with this shit.

Come to think of it, there’s NO excuse for any one to put up with this shit

Get yourself another job, get rid of him. Don’t look back.

C0untDucku1a · 12/07/2018 23:11

Leave him

confusedbythem · 13/07/2018 12:18

It's coercive control and very damaging. More of this will render you unable to leave because you won't even know your own mind any more

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 13/07/2018 13:01

You're not married & have no DC-I'd walk if I was you, there is nothing holding you to this man, trust me when I tell you that silent treatment is soul destroying Sad

HappyintheHills · 13/07/2018 13:15

You let him know that something he did had upset you. Seems fair enough as you didn’t rant and rave at him.
He’s doing something he knows is upsetting and that is abusive so that you won’t complain again.
Your poor colleagues are on the receiving end as well - his behaviour won’t have gone unnoticed.
Does he have redeeming features?

Everytimeiseeher · 13/07/2018 13:16

I was with a man like this from m teenage years right up until 5 years ago so around 18 years.
It would start of with a day or two of silence then he’d start talking again. Eventually after years of putting up with this I eventually saw the light when he hadnt spoken to me for nearly 5 months. I made plans to leave in the final 5 weeks as I’d promised myself on the previous occasion I’d leave next time. I left just as he was coming out of his silence and he was shocked I wanted to “keep it going” now that he was over his sulk. I wasn’t there to welcome him back All is forgiven as per previous. My ExH also turned violent in the final 7/8 years.
I’m now in my own beautiful home, I’m so happy with nobody to please but myself and my two teenage children. I have a new partner whom I adore and I see now what a normal relationship is actually like. My ex has been through countless relationships and a couple of the ladies have contacted my once they found out what he had done to me (two black eyes and a broken nose when I left) they both told me about him giving them the treatment too.

Please leave, this silent treatment is just as damaging as physical abuse if not worse. It will scar your mind. Nobody is worth that and if he truly cared about you he wouldn’t do that to someone he loves.

Good luck.

JeSuisPrest · 13/07/2018 13:59

He's conditioning you.

He dishes out the silent treatment due to some perceived slight, you feel awful, your brain then tells you that standing up for yourself/being forthright results in you feeling upset so you stop doing it and that part of the "training" is complete - he has been successful in making you modifying your behaviour without laying a finger on you.

Walk and don't look back.

Deathraystare · 13/07/2018 19:49

Whenever my dad tried that on my mum, she cheerfully carried on as normal but did not speak to him either. He did not like that one bit!

RachelTeeth · 13/07/2018 23:53

Ugh, my mother shackled herself to a man who did this, so I was forced to grow up walking on eggshells, messages conveyed through sneers and digs and slamming doors. When he wasn’t getting the required levels of attention he would take his hatred out on our poor dogs. Now I have little to do with either of them, creepy abusive losers. Is this shitty boyfriend really worth being treated like scum for? He must have some seriously, seriously amazing qualities and enhance your life MAJORLY for you to tolerate abuse, otherwise why would you accept this?

eggncress · 14/07/2018 09:36

“He did something which annoyed me and I told him so in a very forthright manner. I didn’t swear at him or raise my voice but he knew I was annoyed.”

You did nothing wrong, you just called him out for doing something which annoyed you and he’s decided to emotionally abuse you because of it. To punish you so in future you just put up with any behaviour he throws at you !

eggncress · 14/07/2018 09:40

You should leave him. There is no point in carrying on cheerfully as if nothing has happened because you are then not being yourself and you are reducing yourself to playing his game.

Thebluedog · 14/07/2018 09:44

So you told him politely and in an adult manner of something he did that annoyed you ... you sound like you almost think that he’s in the right for sulking! He’s abusing you, so eventually you’ll rather not say things that annoy you, in case he sulks.

This isn’t a childish reaction, this is something he’s using to abuse you. You’ll eventually be walking on egg shells. He’s conditioning you on what you can, and can’t puck him up on.

I had years and years of this. It started with him sulking over petty things, then it was whenever he did t get his own way, right up to me having friends and seeing my family. Eventually I had no friends, because if I wanted to see them he’d sulk until I agreed not to go out. I had no self astern, he’d sulk if I didn’t give him enough sex, or spent too much of MY money, or wanted to spend time with my family. Basically he’d sulk if I did it didn’t do something he either didn’t or did want me to.

But it all started with me being slightly surprised and a bit laughable because a grown adult was behaving like a toddler.

It’s a very powerful weapon if used over a long period of time and OP it sounds like you’re already questioning yourself and think he’s justified in sulking, all because you spoke to him in an adult manner

Gruffalina72 · 14/07/2018 10:02

This is abuse.

It's not normal. It's not healthy. It's not excusable.

The fact that you think you're "not blameless" because you dared to let him know you were annoyed with him in a reasonable manner suggests he has been manipulating you for a while. You didn't do anything wrong.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - it will help you understand what he's doing and why, and how it's changing your behaviour and your relationship with the world. It's just information, it's your call what you do with the information they can give you.

He can be this cold and cruel because he doesn't love you or care how you feel - to him you are a possession to be used and controlled so it's irrelevant what you think or feel.

People who love us don't abuse us. This treatment is abuse.

You can't fix him.