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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Silent treatment

65 replies

Watda · 12/07/2018 11:00

I’m currently on the receiving end of the silent treatment. We are now in day two and I’m starting to feel upset.

We had a fairly minor argument yesterday and he hasn’t spoken to me since. He doesn’t like it when I tell him I’m not happy about something.

I’ve tried to engage him yesterday and this morning in conversation but only end up with one word answers.

My mother is in hospital and he hasn’t asked how she is or anything.

How do I cope/deal with this?

OP posts:

VioletCharlotte · 14/07/2018 10:07

I was with someone like this once. I used to get upset, then realised it was easier just to leave him to it and get on with my day. The relationship didn't last long after that. A grown adult that thinks it's accept to treat their partner like this, rather than talk through the issues, isn't worth being with.

Aria2015 · 14/07/2018 10:13

Silent treatment is the worst, there's a famous quote 'The worst sin to our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. That is the essence of inhumanity '. I have a family member who uses this a regular way of torturing the whole family and after years of angst, I've just backed away completely.

LatteAndLettuce · 14/07/2018 10:20

I know someone who does this to friends. Abusive, controlling, punishing - run faster than you've ever run before - it's fucked up and cruel.

BlueAir · 14/07/2018 10:25

This is abuse - they used this treatment on prisoners during times of
conflict.
My ex used to do this to me and even now, decades later, I can hardly bear to speak about it without crying because it made me so desperately anxious and sad.

Later on when I ignored his silent treatment he used to take to his bed for 2 days at a time.
It was one of the many reasons I divorced him and the relief from the mental stress is liberating. I'm so much happier.

Tell him if he doesn't stop sulking like a 4 year old by the time you get back he can fuck off. And mean it OP.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/07/2018 12:04

My ex was a master at silent treatment. Well, i call him my ex, im assuming since he never actually told me it was over, he just refused to reply when i tried to talk to him (via text, LDR) on new years day about feeling he had used me over christmas by making false promises. To this day hes never broken his silence, 6 years down the drain.

Original poster

Watda · 14/07/2018 14:22

Well, he is out of his sulk. He said he didn’t want to talk to me as I was ‘obnoxious’ to him.

I asked how long he was planning on keeping up the silent treatment and he replied ‘as long as it took’.

I told him it was abusive behaviour and that he needed to speak like an adult.

So we spoke and are ok. However, there have been a few warning signs in this for me and I’ve told him I won’t tolerate silent treatment again.

Thanks everyone for helping me through it. It seems like I’m not alone.

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 14/07/2018 14:53

You're not ok. He told you he would be abusive ‘as long as it took’ you to change your behaviour.

‘There have been a few warning signs’. That means you leave. The signs are warning you what will happen. It will get to a point that you are tied to wach other and it isnt easy to leave.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/07/2018 15:12

He’ll do it again. It is abusive. He’s not a nice guy, essentially. I’m sure he has his good points but the true him is someone who freezes you out, punishes you, in a childish and malicious way. And, over a long period of time.

As the PP said, things aren’t ok now.

Don’t put up with it OP.

eggncress · 14/07/2018 15:13

I suppose you give him a chance, if it happens again he is not planning to change, will have forgotten the conversation you had today ( and will be hoping you forget too).
I would show him the door if it happens again.

Thebluedog · 14/07/2018 15:18

As long as it took for what?

TurnipCake · 14/07/2018 15:20

I asked how long he was planning on keeping up the silent treatment and he replied ‘as long as it took’.

He is treating you like a dog that needs to be brought to heel

The abuse won't stop, all you're showing him is how prepared you are to tolerate it by staying

elQuintoConyo · 14/07/2018 15:30

Life is too short to be connected in any way whatsoever with a cunt like this.

Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Him.

It'll happen again. And again. And again.

You are worth more than this prize felcher.

My Dsis was married to a man like this, it has ruined her. My mother was like this, our relationship is now decidedly frosty. After my parents got divorced, i emailed some info on stonewalling to my dad - he cried for days as he had felt so alone in all of it.

He is ruining your life and will continue to do so. You cannot change him, you should not try. Tell him to go fuck himself.

billysboy · 14/07/2018 15:50

I had a friend do this to me a couple of years ago and it took a while to get my head around it

Its a passive aggressive form of control , by not wanting to discuss any issues he is denying you any opportunity of resolving them

I tried to be the bigger person as we have a lot of mutual friends and wished him happy new year every year and then tried to reach out recently only to be knocked back again with him still refusing to discuss what happened

I have now told him to fuck off as I dont need negative people in my life and thats the end of it I wish I had done before

These people are silent in the hope they can make you feel guilty about everything and that it is your fault that they are upset

Its a control thing , manipulation and nasty

My advice , move on !

ALonelyLittlePetunia · 17/08/2018 18:15

No one sulks without an audience.
So you know what to do.

user1471453601 · 17/08/2018 18:34

"As long a it takes" ? As long as it takes for what? I tend to go v quiet if I'm upset. It's not a ploy to make someone uncomfortable or to prompt an apology. It's because I have a short temper coupled with a sharp tongue. Rather than enter into an argument when feelings are running high I prefer to walk away to give us both time to cool down and discuss things in a calm manner.
Those people I'm likey to feel hurt by, know that my silence is not done as punishment (some\most might feel a period of quiet from me is a blessing☺) but as a kind of "time out" for adults.
In short, I shut the fuck up to avoid escalation when feelings are running high. If your partner is silent in order to punish,that's a whole different ball game.

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