I think that the vast majority of people are completely perplexed as to why your ex is anywhere near your home. Frizzbeol.
My DH has a very very poor relationship with his ex w. They communicate only by email and solely on issues related to the 4 children.
Pick up/drop off are no longer an issue as they are of an age to come on their own but when they were - they ran out to the car and he picked the bag of clothes up from the doorstep.
Why have I told you this OP ? Because it gives a view of appropriate interaction between parents who can't be civilised to each other. He NEVER enters the former marital home. She NEVER enters ours. They NEVER speak to each other. My DH ex has NEVER had cause to feel afraid in her own home . We have never had cause to be in fear of her causing upset at ours.
... and the level of hostility has NEVER involved violence in any shape or former and certainly, no one has EVER called their ex spouse a 'moron and a stupid fucking cunt'
Your bar of acceptance seems to be incredibly low. I think people are wondering why he is allowed in the house at all when he is abusive.
I think people fear that whilst you tell yourself that you have ;
the nevessary insight and strength to say enough. I ended our relationship two years ago and have't looked back.
...the reality you describe tonight appears quite different - in that he appears to be able to use your house as and when he likes.
'Coming to see the children frequently '. 'Sleeping on the sofa'. 'Drinking in the Garage with your sons mates' You forced to stay in your bedroom all evening in order to avoid further abusive behaviour in your own home.
None of which sound like choices you would make.
It's for that reason that people are concerned that you are minimising and may need additional professional help to deal with the continuing DV.