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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Getting over being left for another woman

94 replies

flowerfairysummer · 11/07/2018 16:37

My emotionally avoidant partner of three years moved out three months ago. He didn’t say why. He has now gone public with a new partner. Our 1 year old twins haven’t seen their dad since he left whilst he is playing happy families with his new partners four children.

I was starting to get my life together but have been totally floored to find out that this has been going on since before our twins were born. He has basically had two Facebook accounts, one showing his life with me and the other account (set up in his nickname ) showing a years worth of dates, going out, sleepovers (when he said he had to cover night shifts at work) and days out with her kids. A friend showed me, apparently some mutual friends had known all along.

I really don’t see how to move on from this. She is gorgeous, younger than me, and has a wonderful lifestyle thanks to her generous divorce. I feel consumed with jealousy. All the times he was working, visiting his mum, seeing a mate, he was really with her.

OP posts:

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 11/07/2018 19:40

Op I'm so sorry. I wouldn't believe this was even possible were it not for something similar happening to me. I had an 11 month old baby and was 5 months pregnant with our second baby when i found out about my husband's cheating. Instead of trying to mend the situation he disappeared, never phoned, never paid money, missed the birth, gone. I had suspected nothing and was devastated. I could happily have died but kept going for my 2dc. The pain is indescribable. The shock. The jealousy. The confusion. The shame.

But op do you know what? I made it through. My dc are teenagers now. I met my new dh 2 years later and we've been happily married for years. He has brought up my dc as his own, and we've had one more. Ex dh flits in and out of our lives but my dc aren't interested. He's missed out. You will be ok as long as you remain strong. Block him. Block the friends. Go abroad to be with your mum. Be kind to yourself and you will get through this. Easier said than done but I'm proof its possible

Original poster

flowerfairysummer · 11/07/2018 19:52

I’m nearly 40, I feel as if no one would want me now. This new woman is 27 and stunning.

I get super angry but then start to doubt myself as in maybe he is a genuinely nice bloke in the way he treats her and he just didn’t want to be with me or our boys. Maybe he is capable of a proper grown up relationship, just not with me.

I see the pictures lots everyday, I know it’s like picking a scab and I can’t seem to stop myself from doing it. It as if I’m trying to prove that it is real by checking. I want to move on, it’s just my sodding mind that won’t let me.

OP posts:

Original poster

flowerfairysummer · 11/07/2018 19:53

I forgot to say how sorry I am for you having to go through this too Journey but I’m so glad your life has turned out better.

OP posts:

MinorRSole · 11/07/2018 20:02

A genuinely nice guy wouldn't have had babies with someone whilst carrying on a totally separate relationship with someone else.
A genuinely nice guy wouldn't have gone 3 months without seeing his children.
A genuinely nice guy wouldn't have treated you the way he did.

You are not the problem. He is. You need to keep repeating this because he has really done a number on you to leave you feeling so responsible for such atrocious behaviour.

Battytwatty · 11/07/2018 20:02

You are well rid of the disgusting excuse of a man. Hold your head up high. Stop looking at his Facebook starting NOW! Concentrate on your babies and yourself. Time is the best healer my love xx

RainySeptember · 11/07/2018 20:11

I think it's probably time to walk away from social media and start focusing on the life you want for you and your boys.

If you have no ties to the area, you could consider a fresh start somewhere new?

Take the positive elements of your relationship - your boys - and forget about him. He knows how to contact you if he ever remembers to be a father.

It sounds like the woman is blameless, but really you should be feeling sorry for her - she's unaware that she's shackled her and her dc to a man who is a proven liar and cheat, a man capable of leading a double life and walking away from his children. He is not a catch, and she'll find that out soon enough, when he cheats, or she's still bankrolling him a year from now.

Similarly, no matter how it looks on Facebook, his life won't be perfect either - she's 27 but already has four dc, anyone with four dc will tell you how hard that is, and your ex doesn't sound the resilient type.

Doingreat · 11/07/2018 20:20

OP. He is not a decent human being let alone a genuinely nice guy. What sort of human being abandons his babies and swans off with another woman and her kids while his own kids need him? What sort of human being deceives his partner for years? And has a family with her knowing he is not committed to her?

I think mindfulness will really help with the intrusive thoughts about him and her and stop you obsessing over his new life.

Please do remember that a life built on deceit and the abandonment of one's small children as well as having wronged their mother can never last. Not if there's any justice in this world. Karma will get him and he will die lonely and unloved. Men like him do.

Original poster

flowerfairysummer · 11/07/2018 21:04

I miss him which is why I'm so torn. I hate him but feel jealous of what he has with his new partner.

OP posts:

twoshedsjackson · 11/07/2018 22:14

The French have a saying: "When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy". I guess the Brit equivalent is, "If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you" - he has demonstrated his cheating abilities to all and sundry.
You have discovered, belatedly and painfully, the depths of his deceit. She has "won" this great "prize" and was in on the lies and deception from the beginning. She would need enormous self-confidence not to suspect that he may try to pull this stunt again, once the thrill has died down a little; he seems to need the ego-boost of having more than one happy family. At the back of her mind, the little gnawing doubt may be there already. If she's been through the divorce courts, however generous the settlement, she'll know it isn't a walk in the park - and what happens to the settlement if she remarries?
It can be maddening when people you thought of as friends appear to believe his lies and side with him, but be patient; the truth always comes out in the end. As for your need for defriending - think of it as a useful "pruning" exercise

AsleepAllDay · 11/07/2018 22:41

What you miss is the image of him - the partner you thought you had, the father of your children, the person he was when it suited him. Now it doesn't, he's moved in with another woman's family & is being bank rolled by her. Instead of raising his twins, he's going to be asking her for spending money and pretending to be daddy to kids that aren't even his

It sounds like a situation that is guaranteed to end in tears. There are too many variables - her kids, the fact that she has her own money, her youth which means she can trade him in easily etc

The story you are telling yourself about how happy they are, laughing all day like the Brady bunch is just that - a story. Reality will be different and it will go sour. Both of them sound totally thoughtless and selfish, that can't end well

springydaff · 11/07/2018 23:07

He really is a steaming pile of shit.

I'm so sorry you're in so much unbearable pain - I do so hope this stage passes quickly. Because he is not worth one tear, not one.

Men like him loathe women. She'll get to the point she'd rather be dead - unless she has the strength, despite what he's done to her heart and mind, to leave him first - so don't feel jealous. He has lied to her about you.

You are all free, you and the boys, of the evil bastard. I do so hope you get that very soon

Returnfromdublin · 12/07/2018 00:04

I just wanted to send love and say I’ve been where you are. My exH left me 10yrs ago after I uncovered an affair which was a two year secret life for him. He’d even been away on holiday with OW whilst I was at home with our children (told me he was working away) and all sorts of other lies. He told his family and our friends all sorts of untrue things about me and our marriage to justify his appalling behaviour. It hurts so much, I really understand your pain. You cannot control what other people think and believe so try not to dwell on it all and concentrate on your children. You get through it by going one day at a time. Distance yourself from your old life if you can and form new routines and memories with your lovely children. Life will get better I promise. One day at a time.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 12/07/2018 06:11

Op i agree with returnedfromdublin. Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself. Part of being kind to yourself means don't torture yourself with social media. You know that not everything on there is what it seems. Surround yourself with people that care about you and maybe look into counselling to help you heal? I would also ask the csa now called the child maintenance service to open a case against him. Yes he's living off her but he shouldn't get off scot free

SomeonesRealName · 12/07/2018 07:02

I have also been where you are OP the only real difference was that he stayed in contact with DC and we have shared care since the split, which has been hard in its own way. Just wanted to say I'm completely over it now; I recently remarried - yes despite being over 40! A true angel of a man. My life is completely changed since the divorce and I'm very happy. Keep on keeping on, OP, you'll get through it.

AgentJohnson · 12/07/2018 07:36

She isn’t getting a better version of him because there isn’t a better version of him to be had. The truth is he was and is a shit and before this colossal dick move, there were enough red flags which you appeared to ignore. This is a terrible betrayal but one that you can choose to use as a catalyst to get you out of the headspace, which allowed you to give him permission to be a shit even before the exposure of his double life.

His behaviour says nothing about you and everything about him and ditto for his family and your turncoat friends. Grieve, wallow a bit but then, it will be time to right some of the wrongs you did to yourself by accepting the poor behaviour of this poor excuse of a man.

Onwards and upwards.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 12/07/2018 08:30

OW was divorced with four kids at 26 and has immediately moved on to a lying narcissistic cocklodger, so she's clearly got absolutely terrible taste in men.
How do you know she thinks he split up with you when you were pregnant? If that's true he's lied to her as much as you and she really ought to know about his double life. I bet he's also told her and others you won't let him see the twins, hence the oddness from family friends - time to get the real story out there.

Doingreat · 12/07/2018 11:20

Have you tried to contact him OP? What does he say? Does he ever ask about his kids? They're only babies. How any human being can abandon his kids without a care in the world... words fail me.

Is there a way to contact the OW and tell her the truth about her lovely new man? I know many people wouldn't stoop to that level but i would. I agree with Shnitzel that he's most likely told her you won't allow him to see his kids. He's probably playing the broken hearted father with her.

Original poster

flowerfairysummer · 12/07/2018 12:01

I contacted her via WhatsApp, it was unread. Just told her the facts so she could make her own mind up. I don’t know if she has seen it and just ignored it or she’s just deleted it on his say so. He has tried to ring in the early hours a few times, leaving slurred pissed messages on my phone but has never been in touch sober, paid any money or asked after the boys.

OP posts:

MinorRSole · 12/07/2018 12:07

Interesting that he phones you when he's drunk - what does he say in his messages?

headinhands · 12/07/2018 12:11

Op, imagine a friend was gushing about her new wonderful partner and how he had been cheating on his wife with her before they got together and how he hasn't seen his dc since he left. Would you feel jealous of that relationship?

It's painful now but what would have been worse surely was if the affair fizzled out and you spent your life in a sham marriage.

eyycarumba · 12/07/2018 12:27

27 divorced with 4 kids and moving straight on to/financing some nnow un) attached bloke...she sounds desperate as fuck lovely. Doesn't matter how gorgeous you think she OP, she sounds like a pig - IF she also wasn't fed a pack of lies. Your ex kept you off social media and away from your friends, he'll probably do the same to her. Perhaps he'll knock her up then scarper too, then she'll be left with 5 kids who don't have their dad's living with them.

Is he your age? I'm sure she finds a 30+ sacking off his job so she can pay his way reeeallly attractive.

eyycarumba · 12/07/2018 12:27

^^(now un)

Original poster

flowerfairysummer · 12/07/2018 12:40

MinorRSole, he usually is just laughing or comes out with something like “want a shag?” on my voicemail.

OP posts:

AsleepAllDay · 12/07/2018 12:47

She could read receipts off so you will always see two grey ticks even though she's read it

He sounds like a rotten mess tbh

MinorRSole · 12/07/2018 12:48

Well isn't that interesting, when he's drunk and horny he calls you even though he's with her. Suffice to say that all is not merry and bright in his new life.
Keep your door to him firmly closed, he will likely come back with his tail between his legs sooner than you think but he's no good for you or the kids. Stay strong and take some comfort from knowing that youth and money doesn't keep him satisfied either. He's a pig and you are going to look back on this as the best thing that could have happened. Trust me

Most men aren't like him and you will find a much happier relationship when you're ready with a man who can be a positive role model for your beautiful boys

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