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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have got DS back.

60 replies

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 11/07/2018 09:39

Morning

A few days ago, I posted that DH had taken DS and refused to bring him back, I thought I would post to tell everyone I have him back now.

(I asked for the thread to be deleted, as someone here exposes personal details)

He was returned back to me yesterday afternoon, since he has been back he hasn’t been himself, e.g crying for dad, it almost seems as if he doesn’t want me near him, he is usually the most loving little boy.

I just don’t know what to do, I have an appointment with my solicitor this afternoon, DH knows that I am not going to let him have DS again (well not unattended) after what he has done.

Sad
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 11/07/2018 09:42

I'm so glad you got him back. Why did his dad bring him back in the end?

I wonder what your ex has been saying to your son about you. He may well have said you didn't want him or something like that - it might take time to get things out of your son so take it easy and if he continues to be different, perhaps some counselling might help the poor little boy.

MumMuuumMummy · 11/07/2018 09:51

I didn't see your original post OP but am glad your son is home Thanks

How old is he? Could his dad of said anything to him? He could be confused :(

BasicUsername · 11/07/2018 09:54

Oh I am so glad to hear that you have him back!

I'm sorry that someone posted identifying details about your child, it was completely inappropriate and uncalled for.

Am I correct in thinking that your DS is 6? Have you spoken with him about what happened when he was with his dad?

Did your husband just hand him back?

SummerGems · 11/07/2018 09:57

I would try not to read too much into the fact that he is upset. It doesn’t necessarily mean that his dad has upset him, bear in mind you have literally just separated from your h so any response from ds could as much be a reaction to the realisation that his parents are no longer together.

yogaginrepeat · 11/07/2018 10:00

After reading your first post I have been wondering what happened, and hoping your DS was returned.

Your poor little boy is bound to be unsettled for a while, and goodness only knows what his father said to him during the time he had him. Wishing you all the best for getting it all sorted Thanks

Original poster
MrsHappyAndMrCool · 11/07/2018 10:05

HollowTalk - I guess he just see sense, I just can’t understand why he would want to hurt me like that!

My little boy is 6 years of age, and I don’t know what his dad has said to him, he usually loves going to school but he didn’t want to go in today Sad

And no I haven’t asked my son any questions i.e where he went, what did he do etc, I am just so glad to have him back, I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask him questions, well not yet.

Hopefully he will want to come for a walk later (he loves going for walks)

I am just so angry at DH!

OP posts:
ineedwine99 · 11/07/2018 10:07

Glad he's back OP, hope he's himself again soon

MumMuuumMummy · 11/07/2018 10:19

He's probably just a little confused bless him, I think you've done right by not asking him questions, he will more than likely come to you when he's ready

bluetrampolines · 11/07/2018 10:22

Don't ask him anything. I have a similar situation. Get yourself busy baking or drawing or something where your son will be keen to join you. At night let him listen to an audio book so his mind doesnt wander. Trust him to realise the truth in his own time.

Original poster
MrsHappyAndMrCool · 11/07/2018 10:27

Thanks for the support, it is just very upsetting because he has come back a different child, it is almost as if I’ve done something wrong.

OP posts:
Judashascomeintosomemoney · 11/07/2018 10:38

Just act normal, do nice things together and he will hopefully relax and return to his usual self given time. He probably is very confused because regardless of what his father said to him he would have certainly have realised something out of the ordinary was happening, it’s flipped his little world a bit for him and he needs normality from you. Sorry your husband is an abusive wanker. I watched my mother use my (much younger) brother and sister to hurt and upset my dad for years. My brother is nearly forty now and still has mh issues that I am certain stem from the things she did and said. He had no escape though as she was rp. At least your son has you and your loving home. Flowers

bluetrampolines · 11/07/2018 10:49

The only thing youve done 'wrong' is stop putting up with his abusive crap.

He's not a different little boy. He just needs a minute to adjust.

Pandamodium · 11/07/2018 10:52

It took my DD nearly two years after we stopped contact to disclose what her DF had been saying to her.

We have a rule now that we do not keep secrets from my and DH and if any adult ask her to keep a secret (we use the word surprise when it comes to birthdays etc) she must tell us or an adult she trusts, like a teacher. It works for us DD is five.

It might help you in the future if he does have supervised contact and tries putting ideas in her head.

I'm so sorry it must have been so scary for you.

Nanny0gg · 11/07/2018 10:54

It was out of your control but your son probably wonders why you let his daddy keep him.

And he doesn't want school because he needs reassurance at the moment that you're still there.

Give him time. Do things together like the walks. But otherwise be the same mum you always are. Things will calm down.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 11/07/2018 10:57

Ime my exh told my ds's I didn't want to be their dm anymore. Could he have kept him telling him similar?
I would speak to school and ask have they anyone in pastoral care who could meet with you both? Or see gp for advice. Don't just leave it as it could fester into future issues.

LuvMyBubbles · 11/07/2018 11:13

Glad he is back must be such a relief
I wonder if your son is feeling angry at you? Feeling abandoned perhaps?
I know you didn’t because you left ex just took him but your ds would not know this?

Sorry I don’t really know everything that went on? But maybe just try and keep everything as normal as possible and make him feel as secure and as loved as you can
My heart breaks thinking if this happened to me :(

AnnieAnoniMoose · 11/07/2018 11:17

I would have kept him home today (and quite possibly every day until he turned 18, you must have been so worried).

His Dad is, obviously, a twat. What do you think is the worst thing he might have done or said?

Original poster
MrsHappyAndMrCool · 11/07/2018 11:28

I really don’t know what he might have said, I never ever thought he would be capable of what he did!

Turns out that I really didn’t know him Sad

OP posts:
PsychoPumpkin · 11/07/2018 11:35

Did your husband take him to school on Tuesday? I know he missed Monday. I’m so pleased you have him back!

howrudeforme · 11/07/2018 11:40

Glad he’s with you. Sad that his df withrew access to the child’s dm and possibly badmouthed you to make dc feel unloved or abandoned by you.

My exh did this. I feel angry that a parent would emotionally hurt a child as a way of getting at the other parent.

You shouldn’t be with this man.

Beechview · 11/07/2018 11:51

Keep reassuring him. Keep hugging, kissing and touching him and keep on telling him how much you love him.
If he seems overwhelmed with hugs and kisses, try little touches like a gentle arm stroke or touch his face and hair.
Do validate his feelings. Tell him you understand he’s upset and things seem confusing and let him know that he can talk about anything he wants.
He may want to ask questions or talk about things. Make sure he knows he can.

bluetrampolines · 11/07/2018 11:54

If he seems to open up and want to express himself tell him there are different ways of sharing your feelings. He could make a play doh picture of whats inside his heart. Or draw his feelings. He wouldn't have to show them to anyone. Or he could post his worries in a box and you could see them when he was asleep and it could help you choose books to read so he could understand different ideas and experiences better.

OliviaStabler · 11/07/2018 11:57

I think you do need to talk to him to find out what has gone on. He is in distress and you need to know what has brought this about.

Good luck.

Sistersofmercy101 · 11/07/2018 12:05

I'm so relieved to hear that your son is safely home OP that is wonderful!
Please (as someone who has had children who have been subject to this kind of twaddle behaviour) please ask to speak privately to the school, explain the concern you have about your son's change in behaviour since he was taken and not returned by his father, if the school don't have a specific person to help ds then they will have access to information about charities who specialise in children's mental/emotional health and child counselling that you can use to get your ds the professional assistance he needs to deal with his father's selfish actions and emotional abuse.
Ps with help of a charity and their professional counsellor my children have made a resilient recovery. Flowers

VimFuego101 · 11/07/2018 12:08

Do you think a counselor might be a good idea? I imagine your ex must have had to come up with some negative story about you to explain to your son why he wasn't taking him back to you. What an arse he is to put his child through this. I hope you have good legal advice to make sure future contact is supervised.