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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have got DS back.

60 replies

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 11/07/2018 09:39

Morning

A few days ago, I posted that DH had taken DS and refused to bring him back, I thought I would post to tell everyone I have him back now.

(I asked for the thread to be deleted, as someone here exposes personal details)

He was returned back to me yesterday afternoon, since he has been back he hasn’t been himself, e.g crying for dad, it almost seems as if he doesn’t want me near him, he is usually the most loving little boy.

I just don’t know what to do, I have an appointment with my solicitor this afternoon, DH knows that I am not going to let him have DS again (well not unattended) after what he has done.

OP posts:

howrudeforme · 11/07/2018 12:18

Actually sisterofmercy speaks well.

I informed school of issues at home which included h telling me he was taking to ds to his country and only might bring him back. I was in no position to leave at that point. I was rooted to the spot in fear.A year later h was demanding to take ds out of country without me for a family wedding. Needed school permission as term time and as they knew what was happening helped to ensure I and ds ok. We were on their radar and they were very supportive in a non intrusive way.

But don’t do what I did - end it now.

Stillme1 · 11/07/2018 12:36

It is likely that DS's dad has spun a load of lies to your son during the time he had him. It might be an idea to get him some counselling to help him now and in the future. I think you are likely to never want to give the father access ever again so finding out what was said and what happened to your DS during this time might be useful to have access refused.

Seaweed42 · 11/07/2018 12:46

Try not to take things personally. So if your son is crying for Dad, don't take it that he doesn't want to be with you. If your son is angry with you, just endure it, again do not take it personally. He will be angry with you because it is safe to express the anger with you. He may act up on you for a few days as if you are to blame, but he's just directing his feelings at you because he trusts you can handle it. So just carry on regardless in your normal routine.
He may not want to go to school because he is worried about you. He may have been worried about you when he was away.
You can reassure him about your whereabouts and your safety when he's going to school by saying 'I'll be safe and sound here at home doing the hoovering'. Or 'I'll be safe and sound at work here filing all those pieces of paper' (something that sounds boring and safe).
Reassure him that he did nothing wrong and you did nothing wrong. That it is a difficult time, but that things will get better and reassure him that both you and Dad love him very much.

5LeafClover · 11/07/2018 13:10

I was wondering what had happened. Thank goodness he is back and you have legal advice. I suspect it will be helpful for you to contact the school and potentially gp/counsellor for your little boy. So sorry this has happened to you from nowhere. You must be reeling with shock.

Changedname3456 · 11/07/2018 18:29

So from your original post, I seem to remember that there wasn’t a CAO in place and that your husband also has PR.

In which case, he didn’t do anything illegal here. Upsetting, yes, but not “wrong” per se. Has your solicitor advised you to only allow supervised access? I don’t really see how you can enforce that, given the current circumstances and surely you’re just doing to him what’s just happened to you?

Glad you know he’s ok though.

BunsOfAnarchy · 11/07/2018 23:55

Glad the wee one is back, it must have been so horrible to endure not knowing for so long if he was even okay.
How did the solicitors go?x

SandyY2K · 12/07/2018 02:58

I saw your thread. Glad he's back and I would consider counselling for your DS asap.

There was a poster on here a while ago. Her ex turned her DS totally against her. His behaviour changed at school too.

Your DS has been returned in good time, so the damage can be caught without long lasting damage.

BeenThereDone · 12/07/2018 04:07

OK so something similar happened with my two. They were upset and extremely confused. There is only one thing you can do.... Give lots of hugs and reassurance that everything will be OK. In time when he has calmed down and returned to normal routine, he will begin to open up to you. Slowly at first because like you say you have no idea what he has been told. Try not to react negatively to anything that he says (it will be hard). And take it from there... I hope you have a good friend or family member to vent to and remember to look after yourself too because it was and is a very emotional situation

Itscominghomeyesitis · 12/07/2018 05:36

What did DH say to you? You said this is extremely out of character and he's always been a good husband and Dad and he was just staying somewhere else for a couple of weeks after an argument?

AgentJohnson · 12/07/2018 07:57

Give it and your son time. Spend time doing stuff together and generally hanging out. If there’s a possibility that your not so D H has been negative about you or lied about your temporary absence, then I would definitely drop into general chit chat that you were thinking about him even when you weren’t together (avoid using the term missing as that could imply that your son was responsible for your sorrow).

DD witnessed her father assaulting me and the fantastic child Phycologist let DD express her thoughts through play and drawing. There was no interrogation, it was just a safe space to have her thoughts acknowledged and supported. Be patient, there were a lot of things that came out years later because she was very young at the time and didn’t have the skills to articulate herself.

Take your cues from him, cuddles and silliness are great medicine.

Original poster

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 12/07/2018 16:35

Sorry I have taken so long to get back to all of you, my mind has just been elsewhere.

I have spoken to DS, he said he is feeling upset because he thinks he might get in trouble the next time he sees dad, because he didn’t want to stay with him, that’s why he was crying for his dad yesterday so he could say sorry.

He wanted to go to school today, it was only until 12 this afternoon as they broke up today.

He seems back to his usual self now.

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 13/07/2018 04:14

Just goes to show how important it is listen to our children. I'm so glad he is settling down again.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/07/2018 05:16

Thank you so much for posting, it freaked me out when the other thread had been deleted.

Thrilled he's back, it'll take a bit of readjustment for him but you'll be fine.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/07/2018 05:18

I'd be fascinated to know what your solicitor says. Surely Family Court will take a v dim view of our ex taking your son?

Original poster

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 13/07/2018 20:35

My solicitor doesn’t think it will stand up well in court

As he didn’t kidnap our son, and there wasn’t any agreement that he had to bring him back.

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 13/07/2018 20:52

Would it be possible for a psychologist to talk to your child? That might count as evidence. Sorry I'm not a lawyer.

Original poster

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 13/07/2018 21:17

To speak to him about what? we had a good day today, he has said that he feels worried but he doesn’t know why.

I am just so angry at DH

OP posts:

GarethSouthgateWould · 13/07/2018 21:22

But what did your DH say?

Original poster

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 14/07/2018 04:22

Nothing at all...

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 14/07/2018 15:50

To speak to him about what?

The psychological effect of being kidnapped by his father, of course. That is if you wish to ensure this doesn't happen again.

Original poster

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 14/07/2018 21:28

Coyoacan - My son was not kidnap, please go and look up the meaning.

And I will ensure that it doesn’t happen again.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 14/07/2018 21:28

kidnapped**

OP posts:

Di11y · 14/07/2018 21:42

How long did he take him for?

NorthernSpirit · 14/07/2018 21:56

I don’t condone what the dad did at all - it’s awrful.

But if you look at this from the dads side. Some of these dads are desperate to see their kids and contact is dictated and controlled by mums. I bet if the shoe was in the other foot, mums wouldn’t want to be told they could only see their own children EOW.

He did a terrible thing. But maybe he was desperate?

You are already saying he’s not seeing him again and if he does it will be in a supervised contact centre. Would you like to see your child supervised?

Can you find a way to work this out between you as you’ve got years ahead of this?

Original poster

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 15/07/2018 15:38

3 days.

I have spoken to him, he said he did it because he didn’t think I would let him see our son again.

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