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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught DH cheating - on our anniversary

68 replies

KittyLane1 · 09/07/2018 19:51

I'm devastated.

Usual story, he hadn't logged out of a share device. Found messages to another girl, a very minor celeb (think trashy reality tv) he had found her personal FB through a mutual friend and appears to have been messaging her, telling her exactly what he wants to do to her (oh dream on!) She seems to have responded in a similar although less graphic way. He honestly seems to think he has a chance with her, she is all leggy blonde and dates city boys and other minor "stars" he is bland Bob from IT department.
Here is the thing, he has told her he is single, well separated, it's our wedding anniversary FFS.

Is this cheating ? I think it is but is it worth ending a marriage and long relationship over?

OP posts:
MeanTangerine · 09/07/2018 19:54

You don't need to make that decision today, or this week, or this month. Just look after yourself for now. Get yourself something to eat, and send him to stay on a hotel for tonight if you want that space.

YourVagesty · 09/07/2018 19:55

Oh my god, you poor thing Flowers I'd consider it cheating because if she was up for it, he'd go for it wouldn't he?

Is he in the house with you now?

SuperSuperSuper · 09/07/2018 19:55

If she suggested meeting up he'd be there like a shot I suspect. She won't though. She's probably set her sights on a footballer or a singer.

Your problem is your DH not her. His behaviour is embarrassing and hurtful.

MMmomDD · 09/07/2018 19:56

OP - most of the responses you’ll get will tell you - yes, leave him, etc.

However - another view at this is - it may be a fantasy in his head that went out of control.
Talk to him.

You’ll immediately see if he realises this went too far. And if he is remorseful, and wants to make it right.

It’s up to you and how you feel about it all. You can leave. Or you can work through it.

PrettyWisdomous · 09/07/2018 19:58

It's cheating if you feel hurt by it and would feel guilty doing the same. You don't have to decide what to do right now. I expect he will try to defend himself by saying that its harmless as she's a "celeb" and therefore nothing will come of it.

Sorry that you're going through this Flowers

Thingsdogetbetter · 09/07/2018 20:00

When I'd finished laughing at his patheticness, I'd tell him fantasy woman can have him, except she won't want him! Silly creepy man. Did he really think his message was somehow charming and she was going to be flattered? Yuchy. Shows a lack of respect for woman and a blurring of the boundaries between fantasy and reality. Jesus she could have used him as an example of sleazy men and splashed his message all over the media!
Then, if my relationship was otherwise PERFECT, I'd lay down some rules about what is and is not acceptable on social media and he can spend until next anniversary making it up to me. But it would have had to be PERFECT!

Singlenotsingle · 09/07/2018 20:00

I'd send her an email introducing myself as the Wife.

chipsandgin · 09/07/2018 20:03

I'd also send her an email, explain you are (for now) his wife, it is your anniversary and you just wanted to give her a heads up that he is lying t her.

Then ask him to leave/leave, I can't imagine any circumstances in which I would find this acceptable, it is pathetic, dishonest and a bit creepy.

Icklepup · 09/07/2018 20:04

Yes, it's cheating

GreenItWas · 09/07/2018 20:07

Yes it's cheating because he has told her he is single on the tiny tiny off chance she decided to give him a go. He's a cheat AND a liar.

LadyPenelopeCantDance · 09/07/2018 20:12

Before your show your cards, I would do a bit more digging. You might find this isn’t the first time he has been messaging other women behind your back. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker or not.

Fairenuff · 09/07/2018 20:13

If he wouldn't do it in front of you, yes it's cheating.

Singlenotsingle · 09/07/2018 20:17

He's pathetic isn't he? Urgh!

mineofuselessinformation · 09/07/2018 20:18

It could just be sheer fantasy on his behalf, but in your shoes I know I would feel emotionally that he's cheated.

Original poster
KittyLane1 · 09/07/2018 20:52

Thanks everyone. He has gone out, don't know where. I can't find any evidence of him ever messaging anyone else which makes me think why her? She is not his usual type at all, we have known each other forever, I know his past girlfriends and he has a usual alternative/gothic type not pretty, blonde and sunkissed.

I just can't get my head around how cruel it is and also how disgusting he is in the messages, if someone had shown me those messages and said they were from DH I would have laughed, he has always been a respectful, sensible guy not the type of guy to send graphic dirty texts to girls about bending them over in their bikinis and licking their a**holes!

I hobestly feel like I don't know who he is after seeing these messages. 10 years with a stranger.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyLane1 · 09/07/2018 20:53

Excuse the typos I am pretty upset and confused right now

OP posts:
CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 09/07/2018 20:56

Ah sorry op. That is shit. There is plenty of advice on here about what to do next. Sadly this kind of thing is quite common on mn.
Take care of yourself xx

MsHomeSlice · 09/07/2018 20:58

gawdsake he surely thinks a good deal of himself.

I'd sell his story to take a break, pocket the money and ensure he's the butt of everyone's joke for as long as possible.... what a sleaze!

effinghell · 09/07/2018 20:58

What a shitty anniversary for you, sending you Thanks.
Dig deeper, I can put money on this not being the first time. He may have been extremely careful and deleted messages.
I'm going through something similar and only found out when I checked his minutes and text usage and saw my 'd'h has been texting the same number 100's of times.

YourVagesty · 09/07/2018 21:14

It's so grim. I'm so sorry OP, you must be shellshocked.

It never fails to amaze me that even 'Bob from IT' would think some woman from the TV would be thrilled to hear their graphic sexual fantasies about them. Quite aside from the cheating aspect, that'd make me have serious questions about him.

I agree with PP that you need to get some headspace to think before you do anything or confront him. It's too much to process. Do you have somebody in RL who can support you emotionally over the next few days?

Pineappler · 09/07/2018 21:18

Yes cheating. He's also shown he's enjoying courting another woman's attention and he's set this up himself. If she blows him out presumably he'll find someone else?

dudsville · 09/07/2018 21:18

That's so grim. And you can be sure that his fb hasn't been pranked by a colleague? I only suggest that because it's so unlike him as you say. How awful.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 09/07/2018 21:20

Grim. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
He's seriously embarrassing himself, I bet she's engaging in dozens of other similar message conversations. It's how a certain ahem calibre of zeleb maintain their popularity amongst the common man.

ChishandFips33 · 09/07/2018 21:25

I'd feel cheated and disrespected so sorry you're going through this

I'd also be tempted to message her and explain who you are and possibly lead him on more before putting him in his place

I'd screenshot the msgs and email to myself then delete the photos from the device - he will likely minimise, excuse and deny this before accusing you of snooping/checking up on him

Remember this is on him, not you. His behaviour is his fault and no one else's

halfwitpicker · 09/07/2018 21:27

Crikey

Yes it's cheating

Get rid ASAP

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