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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught DH cheating - on our anniversary

68 replies

KittyLane1 · 09/07/2018 19:51

I'm devastated.

Usual story, he hadn't logged out of a share device. Found messages to another girl, a very minor celeb (think trashy reality tv) he had found her personal FB through a mutual friend and appears to have been messaging her, telling her exactly what he wants to do to her (oh dream on!) She seems to have responded in a similar although less graphic way. He honestly seems to think he has a chance with her, she is all leggy blonde and dates city boys and other minor "stars" he is bland Bob from IT department.
Here is the thing, he has told her he is single, well separated, it's our wedding anniversary FFS.

Is this cheating ? I think it is but is it worth ending a marriage and long relationship over?

OP posts:
TheMonkeyMummy · 09/07/2018 21:27

What an idiot! Has he even mentioned your anniversary?

And yes, it is behaviour with a view to cheating. Lying twunt.

GlitteryFluff · 09/07/2018 21:45

What a wanker. I'd view it as cheating. Sorry OP. Thanks

Katgurl · 09/07/2018 22:12

I would be horrified and extremely hurt. It's also hugely unsettling to come across behaviour that does not fit with your perception of your DP.

The only good thing I can say is that given out tremendously crude his messages were he wasn't actually hoping to date / meet up with her and probably likened this to looking at porn.

That doesn't mean you have to be ok with it. I can't say for sure what I would do here. I'd feel very confused.

I'd talk to him anyway and then take my time deciding what to do.

Good luck op. What a horrible thing to discover on your anniversary.

ProfessorMoody · 09/07/2018 22:17

Definitely class this as cheating. So sorry Flowers

Cawfee · 09/07/2018 22:20

I wouldn’t be interested in spending my life with somebody who did this. Get rid of this disrespectful arsehole

WinterSunglasses · 09/07/2018 22:32

You don't have to make any big irrevocable decisions right now. If you don't kick him out tonight, you can still choose to do so later, or you can tell him to leave you well alone for now and still consider later whether you want to try patching things up. Don't be pushed into anything. But you are hurt and distressed and well within your rights to be. It's thoroughly disrespectful behaviour. How has he reacted - you've said he's gone out, was he sorry for what he's done?

calzone · 09/07/2018 22:37

I can never understand why men think women would want to hear stuff about licking arseholes......or why men would send pictures of their genitalia to women......

Men really are from Mars......don’t they know that it’s not a turn on?

Sorry this is happening to you OP but it’s cheating to me.

KatharinaRosalie · 10/07/2018 06:54

Don't send her any messages. I really doubt that kind of woman was really going for a Bland Bob from IT. She probably only replied because she didn't want to lose a fan.
I agree with a PP - is this just a fantasy for him, that went a bit too far? Nothing has really happened. I have told many posters here that LTB is the best solution in their circumstances, but I would not rush to end a long marriage over this.

Aus84 · 10/07/2018 07:16

If you approach him about it now, could he just say it was a fantasy as previous poster suggested and weasel his way out of it? If he does try to talk his way out of it are you likely to forgive based on the fact that he hasn't gone through with anything physical?

I only ask because if you want something more concrete to find out if he was going to do anything, could you message the woman, explain yourself and ask her to set up a meeting and see if he goes? Obviously she doesn't have to show up, but if he does, you know it wasn't just a childish fantasy which would make your decision to leave a lot easier..

Motherofpooch · 10/07/2018 10:02

Whether it's considered cheating or not it's a huge shit on trust and extremely disrespectful towards you. I'd get rid. X

hellsbellsmelons · 10/07/2018 10:30

Do you have DC together?
If not then this is a total no brainer!
Can you get away to get some headspace for a little while?
Decide what you really want to happen to next?

Trinity66 · 10/07/2018 10:35

Gross, he sounds like a sleazy creep

user1495390685 · 10/07/2018 10:43

Flowers Sorry to hear such an unpleasant story, OP. Wouldn't know what to do myself as some people are worth fighting for, others are not.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/07/2018 11:33

So he doesn't know her, has never met her, and yet thinks, for some reason, she'd actually want to hear what he wants to do to her?

Why? Why does he think any woman wants to hear what some random bloke in the street wants to do to her? If someone sent me a message telling me they wanted to see me bent naked over a coffeetable whilst doing a crossword, I'd think they were deluded at best and a possible stalker at worst.

It's the disrespectful attitude towards a woman he doesn't even know, but clearly thinks of as some kind of 'property' just because she's on TV that would be the death knell for a relationship to me.

trustyourinsticts · 10/07/2018 12:02

You have every right to be devastated, this is your life.
He needs to realize his actions have consequences. This is definitely considered cheating, and would have no excuse as to why he should do such a thing.
I hope you do whats best for you.

Original poster
KittyLane1 · 10/07/2018 12:04

Thank you everyone for all of your replies and input, I really appreciate them all, I've taken them all on board.

To answer some questions, yes we have a young DD together.
I have RL support, I told my friend and she made me laugh telling me to imagine the two of them on the cover of OK magazine Grin

I think the messages he sent are vile but she replied in kind, just not as graphically, he is Bob from IT but he isn't bad looking at all, just not metrosexual male reality tv star.
He knows that I know and he went out last night, he sent me a lot of messages apologising, saying it was pure escapism and just a stupid fantasy on his part.

I told him it was more the fact that he was willing to lie about being single and flirt with other woman he admitted it was awful of him but this morning he was home and effectively giving me the silent treatment like I had done something wrong ?!

My mother in law is a scary battleaxe of a woman who would slaughter him for this, so tempting to send her the screenshots

OP posts:
Babyblues052 · 10/07/2018 12:06

I'd definitely see this as cheating. If she was to give him the green light to meet up I'm sure he would be round seeing her like a shot, giving you all the shitty excuses of the day!

byanyothernamerose · 10/07/2018 12:09

This to me is cheating. Everyone has fantasies but he has started to act on his and this is only the first step...if you let him how far would he go? And him giving you the silent treatment?! That makes me furious on your behalf!! I know that only you can make the decision to leave him so it depends how you feel deep down...can you move on from this or not? If not then kick him out...

allthefuckery · 10/07/2018 12:15

It is cheating. And the thing is, if she agreed to meet up you can guarantee he'd be physically cheating. The only reason he can now call it escapism is because you caught him too soon.

He's gaslighting you now with the ignoring you business.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 10/07/2018 12:35

Personally for me that would be cheating, but maybe something you could come back from if he did everything needed to repair your relationship. But giving you the silent treatment though because you dared to discover his infidelity? No way on God's earth is that forgivable.

pissedonatrain · 10/07/2018 12:50

Definitely cheating.

The gross factor of it all to think of how many thirsty creepy men, who have sent me disgusting messages I have blocked and then to find out your own DH is one of those creepy guys is sickening.

Sure he can say it's all fantasy but I guarantee if she agreed to meet up for a shag, he would have been there with bells on.

Him seeking her out and contacting her then lying saying he was single, separated and doing it on your wedding anniversary is just so insanely disrespectful.

I'm really surprised he didn't twist it back around on you like my stbxh did being furious I snooped and invaded his privacy. (yeah you can't make this shite up)

But he did double down the next day being angry and sulking at you.

I think the shock comes when you think you know them and believe they would never act like that and when they do it's like who is this stranger I married.

TheRealMrsGarethSouthgate · 10/07/2018 12:54

Yup get his mum’s opinion. So he’s now giving you the silent treatment. FFS why? Perhaps his mum can help you understand !!

Katgurl · 10/07/2018 13:02

Christ the silent treatment FROM him? Now that's even worse imo. He should be begging forgiveness. It's driven by shame but that's no excuse.

I would send on the screenshots and tell him I want him out to give you time to think.

The utter nerve of him!

AgathaF · 10/07/2018 13:46

You've had the silent treatment from him? Cheeky fucker. Is that something he does regularly?

GladAllOver · 10/07/2018 13:53

No point in contacting her. She probably strings along any number of deluded men, without any intention of ever meeting them. It's just her ego trip.
What you do with him is a different matter. Personally I'd send him to a hotel for a couple of days while you decide his future. It should give him a sufficient shock.