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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Outstayed his welcome

107 replies

Northernclementine1 · 08/07/2018 18:50

I've been dating a guy regularly since May. He came over to hang out on Friday, stayed to watch the football yesterday and is still here now. He has insisted upon cooking for me several times this weekend (the same meal).

I'm a real introvert which he knows and have had zero time to myself this week. Feeling really stressed because of it. I've very strongly hinted for him to leave, saying I need to get ready to meet a friend but he just asked whether he was invited. I said no but his response was that we'd leave at the same time. I let him know yesterday I was meeting someone today and have made strong hints all day that it's time for him to go.

I know I should just tell him outright but i feel really bad kicking him.out as we had a convo yesterday in which i told him about being raped in the past and he was kind but started being pushy about getting a private detective involved to try and get the person charged. I dont really want to do.that as it was years ago and i dont remember key details so feel realistically there would be a low chance of conviction. Plus i doubt i could afford it and also I have a fairly good life now and just want to move on. I need time to mull over having revealed that to somebody. Sorry, I know that's not really relevant to getting a guest to leave, I just feel incredibly stressed out now and was looking forward to most of Saturday and Sunday to myself after a busy and social week.

I only invited him over for Friday night really.

Please, how can I politely ask someone to leave??

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 08/07/2018 20:01

Giving a man a fair chance doesn’t mean letting them infest one’s flat all weekend. If he made you feel that it does then that is a clear red flag. With any future beau just bear in mind that he can sit in Costa ten dates in a row making polite conversation about their millionaires shortbread if that’s what it takes for you to feel comfortable with him and if he shows a sign of pushing things you’ll know he’s not for you.

anyideasonthis · 08/07/2018 20:04

Very dodgy. Sounds very possesive and controlling. Make sure he didn't take a spare set of your keys. I'd be inclined to change the locks!

Foodylicious · 08/07/2018 20:05

Not over reacting at all.
Similar thing happened to me when I was young and vulnerable.
Before I knew it he had moved in!
I was not in a good place and somehow convinced myself I liked him enough and thus was ok.
He got more and more controlling, trying to police who I spent my time with...
It was very difficult as we met at work and I lived in staff accommodation so didn't feel I could cause a fuss.

It was 18 months before I did.

Still break out in a cold sweat and feel sick when ever I think of him (20 yrs later)

JennyHolzersGhost · 08/07/2018 20:06

I would also change the locks and probably up the security on windows and doors just in case. Don’t want to scare you OP but there are some deluded men out there.

spiderplantsalad · 08/07/2018 20:10

You didn't over react - well done for kicking him out. I'd also be inclined to change the locks if he's had time to get keys copied. He's a grade A creep.

Like pp, I also had a bf try to practically move in after no time, I'd have no qualms now telling him to sod off but at the time I was quite vulnerable - and had a flat near the centre of town, when his was miles away. it didn't end well and i've been rather wary of men since. You did well, OP, and well done on the job, too!

Original poster
Northernclementine1 · 08/07/2018 20:24

Thanks everyone, I feel a million times better knowing I wasn't acting unreasonably.

OP posts:
Cawfee · 08/07/2018 20:30

Don’t invite him back! There’s something wrong with him. Normal people don’t behave like he has. He’s stayed the whole weekend!!! WTF? Wrong, so wrong!

Notquiteagandt · 08/07/2018 20:59

He seems super needy clingy and controlling those are red flags before the strange lock picking thing.

A friend had this once. She realised months in shed never been to his house. Spent alot of time staying at hers. Turns out he was a major cocklodger and technically "homeless". But not in an oh dear poor guy kind of way. More a "too cheap to pay rent thing". He sofa surfed amongst friends and went from woman to woman to move in with unofficially and unvited. The ultimate cock lodger.

PolkaHots · 08/07/2018 21:34

You absolutely did not over react.

Katgurl · 09/07/2018 11:13

OP are you ok?

I felt really irritated by that annoying twit when you first posted but then the bathroom stunt seriously alarmed me.

Have you got him out of the house?

DaphneduWarrior · 09/07/2018 11:24

Agree with posters who said to change the locks - or at least check very very carefully your spare keys are where you left them.

Also, do expect him to come back and try again - either online or to turn up at your home. Might be a good idea to prepare what you’re going to say (‘I’ve asked you to leave as it’s not working. If you contact me again I will go to the police).

I had something similar happen to me years ago: I remember the feelings of violation and being invaded. Well done for getting him out.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/07/2018 11:59

Well done OP.
Now block, ignore and delete.
Red flags all over this one!

Original poster
Northernclementine1 · 09/07/2018 16:37

Thanks everyone, I'm fine thanks, just feel a bit depleted after this weekend! Could do with another few days off!

This guy actually has one of my spare keys. He took it to go to the shop when at my house once, took it home by mistake (my mistake too as i just assuned hed put it back.in the drawer at the time) just hasn't returned it. I've asked him to post it back, will give him to the end of the week then look at changing the locks. He said he will return it and works night shifts so hopefully won't be able to show up even if he had any intention of doing so.

Feeling a bit angry about the love bite on my neck. Not saying it's a horrible injury but I'll now have to wear high necklines or scarves all week in this bloody hot weather! His response was maddening. He initially said that it wasn't a love bite, then that he didn't do it, then he couldnt remember doing it, then it wasn't intentional and finally it only showed up as I am so pale. What an idiot!

OP posts:
HRHCatherinePrincessofWales · 09/07/2018 16:45

Well done getting rid of the creepy cunt.

If he has a spare key of yours I wouldn’t even bother getting it back, just change the locks. Even if he posts it back to you, he could still have had a copy made anyway.

Stephisaur · 09/07/2018 16:49

Hope you're ok Northern

I agree with PP, just get the locks changed. He's already shown he has no respect for boundaries and would potentially use the spare key without you knowing.

ParkheadParadise · 09/07/2018 16:53

I would get the locks changed.
He might get a copy made.
Sounds a right creepy fucker.

Knittedfairies · 09/07/2018 16:56

I’d get the locks changed ASAP - I wouldn’t leave it until the end of the week. It would be worth it for the peace of mind; you’re well shot of the creep.

Lemonyknickers · 09/07/2018 17:01

Another one saying just change the locks asap. He has shown he barges through boundaries. It's easy to do locks, please do it, so many red flags with this man.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/07/2018 17:09

Change the locks or put a chain on the door to which he has the key and leave by another door.

I'd practically put money on him sitting there when you get home, shoes off, feet on sofa and looking very pleased with himself for finding someone who didn't tell him to fuck off after the first creepy incident.

He's trying to latch on to you because you are nice. Don't give the guy any more time.

eddielizzard · 09/07/2018 17:13

CHANGE THE LOCKS. seriously don't wait. he'll have made a copy i guarantee it.

halfwitpicker · 09/07/2018 17:16

Change the locks asap.

halfwitpicker · 09/07/2018 17:16

He sounds a total nutter.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/07/2018 17:17

Urgh. Am joining the chorus of people saying change the locks - he's probably having a copy made.

He sounds seriously creepy.

Glad he's out of the house. I would also get the locks changed before you dump him in case her turns into a psycho.

ahouseofleaves · 09/07/2018 17:19

I would get the locks changed. He might get a copy made. Sounds a right creepy fucker.

This.

Please have the locks changed. He has already shown that he doesn't respect you. The fact that he didn't put the key back in the first place is so wrong. Look after yourself.

MonaLisaSimpson · 09/07/2018 17:20

Another voice saying change the locks right now.

And fwiw I don't think you overreacted at all, he sounds like a fucking weirdo.