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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Outstayed his welcome

107 replies

Northernclementine1 · 08/07/2018 18:50

I've been dating a guy regularly since May. He came over to hang out on Friday, stayed to watch the football yesterday and is still here now. He has insisted upon cooking for me several times this weekend (the same meal).

I'm a real introvert which he knows and have had zero time to myself this week. Feeling really stressed because of it. I've very strongly hinted for him to leave, saying I need to get ready to meet a friend but he just asked whether he was invited. I said no but his response was that we'd leave at the same time. I let him know yesterday I was meeting someone today and have made strong hints all day that it's time for him to go.

I know I should just tell him outright but i feel really bad kicking him.out as we had a convo yesterday in which i told him about being raped in the past and he was kind but started being pushy about getting a private detective involved to try and get the person charged. I dont really want to do.that as it was years ago and i dont remember key details so feel realistically there would be a low chance of conviction. Plus i doubt i could afford it and also I have a fairly good life now and just want to move on. I need time to mull over having revealed that to somebody. Sorry, I know that's not really relevant to getting a guest to leave, I just feel incredibly stressed out now and was looking forward to most of Saturday and Sunday to myself after a busy and social week.

I only invited him over for Friday night really.

Please, how can I politely ask someone to leave??

OP posts:
Pratchet · 08/07/2018 19:30

Call the police

HollowTalk · 08/07/2018 19:30

Is there anyone you can message to come round now, OP? A neighbour or a friend?

Pratchet · 08/07/2018 19:30

Or your neighbour, or anyone. You are incredibly vulnerable and he is not normal.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 08/07/2018 19:31

DP still knocks our bedroom door if he knows I am getting dressed. Not because we are shy, but shows respect.
If he ever picked the lock to the bathroom whilst I am bathing I would go ape shit, even if it was to 'help'
The thing is DP and I have been together for years, have had babies and he has actually had to lift me up and sit me on the toilet...really no mystery left, yet he still respects my privacy!

Get this man out of your home!!

Pratchet · 08/07/2018 19:31

Is there a corner shop up the road, can you google the number, phone them and ask them to send someone down to knock on your door

Pratchet · 08/07/2018 19:33

Or get dra saws quickly grab keys and run out of the front door to the neighbours

Pratchet · 08/07/2018 19:34

bloody hell is she alright .

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 08/07/2018 19:36

Fucking hell op. I once knew a boyfriend of a friend of mine would pick the bathroom lock “to check she was alright”. Nasty piece of work. Call the police if he doesn’t leave, seriously. And I don’t usually say that.

Nofilter · 08/07/2018 19:37

Stay calm and get him out then let him know it's not working for you. He sounds very strange so keep it cordial OP xx

DownstairsMixUp · 08/07/2018 19:37

Wow what a weirdo, you'll be well rid.

Churrolicious · 08/07/2018 19:45

Definitely get rid of him and don't look back. Lots of red flags here OP.

Original poster
Northernclementine1 · 08/07/2018 19:45

Well he's finally fucked off. Thanks for all your lovely replies. Huge load off. I noticed in the mirror that been given me a huge love bite on the neck which I asked him expressly not to do. Cue a load of excuses. I'm not saying any of his actions or intentions are tantamount to rape or anything but I just feel after telling him about what happened, he's in my house which I pay for with my professional job that I've worked really hard to be in and I feel as though I've tried really hard to.move on but all of my boundaries are worthless again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northernclementine1 · 08/07/2018 19:46

Sorry I know that is a massive overreaction!

OP posts:
Pratchet · 08/07/2018 19:47

It's not, he's a pig. I'd be really careful.

Giraffey1 · 08/07/2018 19:50

Wow! Your self restraint is admirable. If someone had done that to me I’d scream blue murder! You need to tell him to leave right now, and don’t take no for an answer.

eddielizzard · 08/07/2018 19:51

Not an overreaction. You set boundaries. He violated them. You only know afterwards. You told him to leave and he's gone. Absolutely the right thing to do. Block and move on.

What idiot thinks it's ok to pick the lock on the bathroom??? If you'd have wanted him to come in, you would have left it unlocked. Confused

Giraffey1 · 08/07/2018 19:52

Sorry, cross posts. Glad he has gone! You didn’t over react, if any anything, you under reacted. Make sure you don’t ever let him back in!

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 08/07/2018 19:54

OP in the nicest possible way rethink your boundaries and importantly, be sure and confident about them.

You've been seeing this man for 8-10 weeks, I've been with my DH for over 40 years and we are literally joined at the hip, in that we know each other inside out. I wouldn't tolerate that kind of encroachment, not that he would attempt it.

You're absolutely not kicking off or being dramatic. Trust your instincts and trust your feelings, they're 100% valid.

FoofFighter · 08/07/2018 19:54

Honestly Op you have not overreacted at all Thanks

He has ignored your requests and invaded your privacy in such an intimate way after you disclosed a rape to him.

You've had a lucky escape.
How did you meet?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 08/07/2018 19:55

Cross posted.

So glad he's gone.

Original poster
Northernclementine1 · 08/07/2018 19:55

Sorry, don't mean professional job as in boasting that i make loads of money, or and high up or anything, I certainly don't! I just mean that it's taken me a long time to get my life back on track.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northernclementine1 · 08/07/2018 19:57

Met on OLD. Thought he was a bit arrogant to start with tbh but thought I'd give him a fair chance.

OP posts:
esk1mo · 08/07/2018 19:58

you’ve done really well IMO, you kicked him out! you may no have noticed the boundary-crossing at the first instance, but you have dealt with it now and you should be proud!

you’ll learn from this, and next time you’ll feel strong enough to nip it in the bud. ive been in the same situation with a man outstaying his welcome, and as “nice person” its hard to tell them to leave outright!

also been there with the love bite, which i saw as a massive red flag eg marking his territory. gross.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 08/07/2018 19:58

He gave a love bite (vom at the name itself) amd opened a locked door to get to you. Creepy. And it’s bot his place to push you for hiring a private detective. What a tosser (at best).

JennyHolzersGhost · 08/07/2018 19:59

It’s not a massive overreaction, it is your boundaries desperately attempting to get your attention. You were about 24 hours too late in kicking him out and he was soaking up your vulnerability and reluctance to confront him. Very dangerous.
And please stop apologising for your job. It is a good thing to have a professional attitude and you should be proud of your achievements. Respect yourself OP. It’s the only way to find a man who will.