Childcare arrangements now ex-husband is moving in with new GF - HELP!

[BG198]

Hi all,

So bit of background, I had my little boy 19/11/17 and on Christmas Day my husband told me he was leaving and soon after moved back to his mum's. Cue a horrendous few months but I've lived to tell the tale, barely!

In this time my ex has helped out on a flexible basis with our son, he started having him overnight on odd occasions from him being about 3 months old (young I know before anybody starts!) more out of necessity than anything else as he's never been a great sleeper and I was exhausted.
The arrangement was one overnight stay most weeks, at his mum's house where he had plenty of help and I've always been as okay as I could be with this. I only live 5 minutes away so no issue there if anything happens or he needs help.
So he's recently starting having him for a couple of nights one weekend a month meaning I had a whole weekend to myself and all was working well.

Had a discussion at the beginning of June where ex told me he had a new partner but she lived 200 miles away and had not met our son yet and from his own admission things were moving slowly.
Two weeks later they've been to arrange a rental property for her to move in with him and I've come back from holiday to the rental contract on my doormat. Turns out they've agreed to let this property only 10 days after he said it wasn't serious.

Major other issues now coming to light that it's someone he's worked with who he may well have been involved with since I was about 4 months pregnant but thats a debate for another time, he doesn't know I know this.

My main question is where do I go from here re childcare arrangements?
I'm not happy for my son to go and stay there with a woman I do not know, who has no children, who by his own admission he's only been seeing since the start of April.
Where do I stand?

The fact that he does not see my issue that I do not know this woman and she could be anyone is what makes me think he's so blind to the very real risk that there could be any number of safeguarding issues there because he's so wrapped up in playing happy families with her.

He's moving in two weeks time and since I have said I'm not happy with my son going to stay with them when they move the atmosphere has been very frosty and I feel he doesn't listen when I'm telling him about what to feed our son or what he needs to be wearing to bed in the hot weather etc.

I'm worried sick about this other woman, he wouldn't give me her name but now i've seen the rental contract I have it of course but am I as unreasonable as he suggests to want to meet her before I okay her spending time with my son? The house they are moving to is almost an hour away and they know nobody in the area so there's no support there either.

Please help!

Can he still use his Mum's place as neutral territory to have his son?

On an evening for tea and bath time he will probably just go there as saves the traveling, but for an overnight stay she wouldn't let them go there.

Unfortunately, from a legal standpoint anyway, you have no right a say in what your ex does when he has DC or who that time is spent with. I know it's hard but you don't get a say as what he does with his life is his business.

You can try to discuss with him why it's not in DS's best interests if you have strong views but he doesn't have to listen to you.

There's nothing you can do about who he introduces his son to on his contact time.

The reality is that it’s not up to you to veto who can or can’t live with your ex, and by saying you won’t let your son go if she lives there, that’s exactly what you’re doing. He is his father as much as you are his mother and he gets to say who your son spends time with during his contact time. If you withhold your son over this you will end up going down the formal contact route which is costly and hugely emotionally expensive. You need to get past the fact your ex is moving on and let him parent his son as he sees fit. He is entitled to have his son in his own home with his partner.

The reality is if my ex-husband cannot care for his son properly with the support of his mother how am I supposed to send my son with him to his new house when I do not feel he is able to cope. Surely if I stood by and did nothing I could be endangering my son?
Last weekend he dropped him home after an overnight stay and he had not given him a drink all day.
He is a father, he helped create the child but that doesn't mean he understands how to care for said child.
I would never withhold our son he is well aware he can see him whenever he wants to but at seven months old when my son is unable to tell me what is wrong I do not feel comfortable with him taking him an hour away to stay with someone I do not know.

It's hard I know but ultimately there's nothing you can do about it.

I know it's hard, been there, but you were happy for your child to be with him at 3 months for you to have a night sleep. You were happy for him to go with him for the week-end so you could have one week-end for yourself.

As it is, he has learned to look after your child and manage and you can dictate when he can have him because it suits you and when he can't because you don't like who is with and bring up safeguarding as an issue. A judge would not agree with your concerns unless you can point out things that you know would put your child in danger.

You can refuse contact but if he goes to court, it will be highly unlikely to go in your favour and you might find that your DS goes from one week-end a month to twice a month.

How about trying to do things amicably, be truthful and say that you are anxious and ask if she'd agree to meet?

Really? No drinks all day? Isn't he having milk at 7 months old?

Go and see a solicitor and get proper professional advice about what you can do, if anything. Your son is very young, they live an hour away and so far, he’s had his mother helping him to parent. So there are real concerns there. Talk to somebody who can help you

I'd be concerned too. It sounds like he's only managed with his mum's help.

If you’re concerned he can’t care for the baby I’d do a detailed log of your concerns and see a solicitor.

swing is absolutely right. I can see you’re finding this hard but it’s best to try and find an amicable way through this and crying safeguarding when you’ve been happy for him to have contact from such an early she is a bit rich.

His girlfriend not having her own children doesn’t mean she’s going to harm your baby. You didn’t have any until 7 months ago and you and your ex have both managed to get by.

Tell him you’re anxious and ask if she’s happy to meet you. You can’t make her but you may as well ask.

Is one of your concerns your baby being an hour away instead of 5 minutes up the road? If so then of course you feel like that and it’s perfectly natural. In your own mind, focus on the things you’re really worried about. You can’t really now say you’re worried your baby can’t tell you if anything’s wrong when it hasn’t bothered you so far. And his sudden change of plans is obviously going to unsettle you.

But he’s either a good, capable dad or he’s not. And you must have thought he was to arrange overnights when your son was 3 months old.

But it has always been with his mum, so the op hasn’t necessarily been happy for him to have baby on his own.
Op does he love the baby? Want to be a good dad? This all affects how critical it is that you stay amicable and work with him.

I totally disagree with the above post. So far he has been a supervised parent. Has he yet cared for the infant without his mother present OP?

As I've said before I was happy for him to have our son at his mum's house which is minutes away on the basis that she was there to help.
I'm not sure why I'm being turned into the villain here to be quite honest.
I've seen a solicitor and she is in agreement that we need to discuss an alternative as she does not feel at 7 months old it is suitable for my ex-husband to have our son overnight when he's going from having 24 hour support from his mum and me being minutes away if he needs help, to living an hour away.

I was asking for practical solutions to introducing his girlfriend and transitioning from having support from his mum to caring for our son without that back up. I did not come here looking for people to give me abuse about 'how I need to get over it' whatever happened to supporting each other when someone reaches out for support?

My son has 3 x 7oz bottles in 24 hours, as I've already said he isn't a great sleeper so he has a bedtime feed, a 4/5am feed and a feed later in the afternoon. So on Sunday he had milk at 4am, no water after this at any point and he was dropped home at 3pm for his afternoon bottle. It was 27 degrees. Not that I need to justify any of that to you of course.

I am more than happy for my son to be cared for by his dad provided he has support, he does not care for him overnight on his own as yet. He has had him on his own for a couple of hours here and there and that is it. Every overnight stay he's had his mum to help, his mum who I have known for 10 years and trust implicitly with my child.

He sees his son because me and his mum have arranged time for him to look after him because previous to this and at the point he left he had no bond with his son whatsoever.

No one has been abusive towards you or painted you as the villain. But you are being unreasonable. We all have to start somewhere, and you've told us nothing that would be a safeguarding issue. Try to have a calm and rational conversation with your ex, putting your obviously hurt feelings aside.

I'm not sure why I'm being turned into the villain here to be quite honest.

You aren’t. People are being realistic with you, just because that isnt what you want to hear it isn’t the same as saying you’re an asshole.

I did not come here looking for people to give me abuse about 'how I need to get over it'

Again, that’s not abuse. That’s realistic advice, you do need to accept he is moving on.

The easiest way to ensure your son’s father knows how to care for him properly is to communicate with him about your sons needs and routine. You can’t seriously expect him to live with his mother forever because you are nervous about him having his own child alone? (Which he won’t be as his partner will Be there too.)

Would his mum definitely not have ex and son for the weekend every other week? Or could you insist on it? It's neutral territory, you know DS will be cared for and he still gets to his dad. It doesn't have to be permanent, just maybe for 6/12 months until you all feel comfortable with the new set up and the ex's new relationship is definitely stable or whatever.

Who supervised you until they felt you were capable of having your child alone OP?

Being told I'm unreasonable for not wanting my son to be left overnight with someone who has never parented on his own and his girlfriend who also has no experience... When I can't be there in 5 minutes if the need arises? Surely the issue is people who see this all as being absolutely fine?

I would love to sit down with him and have a conversation with him about it all and if he would do that I'm sure it would reduce the anxiety I have regarding the conversation, but I'm just told that it's none of my business. And to be truthful the fact he's lied about their affair does make me wonder if I can believe anything he tells me in the first place.

He sees his son because me and his mum have arranged time for him to look after him because previous to this and at the point he left he had no bond with his son whatsoever

And you've obviously done a really good job. For your son's sake, don't undo all the good work. Try and find a compromise. Your boy will thank you for it when he's older.

Nobody supervised me but I had support and hadn't recently been arrested or had a mental breakdown, so you know...