Childcare arrangements now ex-husband is moving in with new GF - HELP!

[BG198]

Hi all,

So bit of background, I had my little boy 19/11/17 and on Christmas Day my husband told me he was leaving and soon after moved back to his mum's. Cue a horrendous few months but I've lived to tell the tale, barely!

In this time my ex has helped out on a flexible basis with our son, he started having him overnight on odd occasions from him being about 3 months old (young I know before anybody starts!) more out of necessity than anything else as he's never been a great sleeper and I was exhausted.
The arrangement was one overnight stay most weeks, at his mum's house where he had plenty of help and I've always been as okay as I could be with this. I only live 5 minutes away so no issue there if anything happens or he needs help.
So he's recently starting having him for a couple of nights one weekend a month meaning I had a whole weekend to myself and all was working well.

Had a discussion at the beginning of June where ex told me he had a new partner but she lived 200 miles away and had not met our son yet and from his own admission things were moving slowly.
Two weeks later they've been to arrange a rental property for her to move in with him and I've come back from holiday to the rental contract on my doormat. Turns out they've agreed to let this property only 10 days after he said it wasn't serious.

Major other issues now coming to light that it's someone he's worked with who he may well have been involved with since I was about 4 months pregnant but thats a debate for another time, he doesn't know I know this.

My main question is where do I go from here re childcare arrangements?
I'm not happy for my son to go and stay there with a woman I do not know, who has no children, who by his own admission he's only been seeing since the start of April.
Where do I stand?

The fact that he does not see my issue that I do not know this woman and she could be anyone is what makes me think he's so blind to the very real risk that there could be any number of safeguarding issues there because he's so wrapped up in playing happy families with her.

He's moving in two weeks time and since I have said I'm not happy with my son going to stay with them when they move the atmosphere has been very frosty and I feel he doesn't listen when I'm telling him about what to feed our son or what he needs to be wearing to bed in the hot weather etc.

I'm worried sick about this other woman, he wouldn't give me her name but now i've seen the rental contract I have it of course but am I as unreasonable as he suggests to want to meet her before I okay her spending time with my son? The house they are moving to is almost an hour away and they know nobody in the area so there's no support there either.

Please help!

well that’s just a smidge of a dripfeed, don’t you think OP?

But you were happy for him to have him before? Even knowing that?

on the basis that she was there to help
You have no idea that she was there all the time, no idea that indeed, she was up in the night to supervise her son when your baby was awake.

You are already assuming his girlfriend is not capable of supporting him when you don' t even know her. For you all you know, she might have 5 young siblings, or be a pediatric nurse.

It's obvious that this about you not your baby. I do totally understand how you feel, I burst into tears the first time I left my DD with my OH and that was us being a couple. It's very hard to let go when you the prime carer, but it doesn't mean that the reasons you are putting forward are justifiable.

Your title says it all, you are talking about childcare. It might be so to you because it means a break from your caring duties, but it isn't to your child and certainly not to his father.

You need to work with him to become good co-parenting couple, not treat him as an easy babysitter to suit you and then expect everyone to be telling you you are doing the right thing.

Right well you were being a bit silly not to mention that before. Or you’re adding things in as people are disagreeing with you.

Either he’s a safe person to have contact with his son or he’s not. You don’t say contact had stopped since his illness and arrest. If he was a danger to his child then his mother being present wouldn’t necessarily have made a difference.

Your original post suggests contact has been perfectly fine for your shared child and while it’s benefitted you and you’ve been able to rest you’ve been happy. However now your ex is a relationship he’s no longer safe and the attangement no longer suits you.

You are coparenting with your ex, not his mum.

If he hadn’t left you would you never have left him alone with the baby? Or would it have been fine, and has continued to be fine until he got a girlfriend?

Don't let him have the baby over night then?

For what it's worth I wouldn't have let mine be away from me over night until they were a bit older. Right or wrong I don't know or care.

If he isn't happy with whatever contact you suggest then he will have to apply to the courts to decide. Bear in mind though that the courts will see that you were happy at 3 months old to have overnights and it only appears to have changed since he got a new girlfriend.

Op, nobody is painting you as the villain but many of us have already been through all of this and are trying to manage your expectations.

If you think your child will be in danger then of course you must act, no question at all, and it sounds like you are already seeking legal advice.

But saying that you are uncomfortable with unsupervised access an hour away, with his gf present, will not hold up.

He will say that he has been having unsupervised overnight contact for months, has built a strong bond, has proven himself competent, and has a partner to support him.

Even a breakdown will not be cause to deny contact, if recovered people are not considered unstable for life.

The arrest may be pertinent, depending on the crime.

It's obvious your issue here is the fact your ex has moved on and has a new partner, if it really was a issue of safeguarding I find it highly unlikely you'd have left him at 3 months old even with the mother in law present.

However upsetting it is to see your ex with a new partner so soon and moving on (trust me I know, I've been there in the exact same position) this isn't about you. There's a small person here who must absolutely come before your wants and needs and any resentment and bitterness towards your ex.

His father is going to be in your life for the rest of your life so you may as well try for everyone's sake and get along amicably. Trust me it's so much easier to co parent if you can all try and muddle along with minimal drama and tension.

He's never going to prove himself to be a good dad if you don't give him a chance. I hadn't got a clue what to do with a baby when mine was born, neither had her dad. But as all parents do, you learn fast!

Try and suggest sitting down and going through his routine to your ex.

You absolutely must be the bigger person here OP. It will save you so much emotional energy by doing so. And you know what your son will thank you for it when he's older!

You don’t have to go straight to overnights. He can take him for a few hours and build up to overnights.

If your son had no water all day then it sounds like you can't trust his mum as much as you think you can.

OP - I think you're getting a hard time on here.

I can understand your viewpoint and there would be a number of issues for me.

Firstly, it's too coincidental your Ex and his new DP worked together since you were four months pregnant and yet have only been seeing each other for a couple of months. I bet they've been seeing each other a lot longer than that, hence how swiftly they appear to be moving in together.

Secondly, allowing/agreeing however you want to put it your Ex to have his son overnight and weekends is one thing, you know your Ex, you don't know his new GF, I wouldn't allow someone to look after my child overnight and weekends who I've never met before.

Thirdly, new GF doesn't have children, and may or may not like children and may or may not like having her new DP's child around. It is one thing setting up home with a new DP and knowing he has a child he sees, it's another thing having that child stay with you for weekends and having to be involved in looking after the child, especially one so young.

You need to get legal advice. My exDP had a child with his ex and she was constantly taking legal advice on everything. He always paid over and above the maintenance he needed to, he fought long and hard to see his child but was restricted to Sundays between 11am-6pm until she was about five.

The only way your ex will 'learn' to look after his child over-night without his mum's or your support is by him actually doing it! It won't help by you refusing this to be honest..and I disagree with the above poster (Lost)..you don't get to allow or not allow. Not 'one' parent is in charge.

As long as a baby isn't exclusively breast-fed I think split parents should share over-nights asap..the baby will grow up knowing no different and won't have to go through a disruption of routine if left later.

Realise you don't know the GF, however, your ex does..presuming he isn't a danger to the baby you will just have to trust his judgement on who is around/helps out with his child..just as he will have to do for you.

Also..even if they had been having an affair (totally understand that is just shit), you have to try and put that aside from this situation. It shouldn't affect how often/timings he has the child.

Its hard and I totally understand where you are coming from. But like everyone else said, there really isn't anything you can do.

Saying that, I've just managed to convince my ex to not introduce his new gf to my dcs - but my story is very different to yours.

I think it might have been possible to legally delay the overnight stays for such a young baby, if they hadn't already been happening.

I remember when my brother was little my mum and dad didn't put enough sun cream on his chest. He was about three at the time and happily playing on the beach. At the end of the day he started to develop blisters and was in so much pain. 30 years on and my mum (most loving person in the world) still can't forgive herself! Point is, yes he didn't think about a drink, but even the most attentive parents on earth all make mistakes but hopefully go on to learn from them.
Using that as another reason to rethink contact is not right.

Unfortunately I really don't think there's anything you can do to stop him and you need to separate your feelings towards your ex from what's best for your DS in the long run as it was unrealistic to expect him to at his mums for a long period of time he was always going to move away and some point have new relationships, your co parenting with him not his mother, otherwise If you don't feel you can trust him to care for DS alone why not stop the overnights til he's a bit older but be prepared for the backlash you'll get for doing that.

However he needs to understand your sons routine and it's crazy he didn't give his son a bottle all day that's just plain irresponsible especially in this heat but who knows maybe this woman will be extremely helpful and have a better idea of what your DS needs which in turn may make your ex a better father as just because she doesn't have her own children doesn't mean she's totally inexperienced when it comes to caring for them.

I'm sorry you're not getting the responses you wanted op. It's bloody awful watching an ex move on, especially when dc play happy families with the new gf. I hated waving them off and cried for the first few weekend visits. Ultimately, your boy will thank you for facilitating a good relationship with his dad, and gf could be a positive influence. I guess that's the goal isn't it, two homes where he is wanted and loved. If your ex messes up his chance or allows contact to dwindle, that's his concern then.

I wouldn't allow someone to look after my child overnight and weekends who I've never met before.

It’s easy to say that when the situation isn’t infront of you. Ive had to suck it up and let my DC go and stay with a woman I had never met, who was also my exes OW. (And childless but I’m not sure That matters) My youngest was just a year old. You have to do these things for your DC and deal with any problems that arise out of it when they arise. You can’t just assume harm will come to your child every time you aren’t with him.

It's hard but you can't specify who has contact with your son when you are not there,

You don't know the woman's history - she might be brilliant with kids

A lot of us have had very little experience with looking after babies at the beginning. They manage, though. Your ex knows what to do, as he has looked after your DS before, albeit he had his mum to help him.

The arrest might be relevant, depending on what it was for? And the MH issues too, although I have MH issues and I cope well despite that.

Your DS will be fine.

I think you would have got different responses if you'd been honest and said you were quite happy for him to have overnights from a very young age because you wanted a break, but you don't want the possible OW playing happy families with your baby.

Which is a completely normal way to feel. The 'safeguarding' stuff isn't at all convincing.

Indeed SingitJane

Give him step-by-step instructions on how to parent.
Sadly you have no right to control how he parent.

The threshold for whats seen as "good enough parenting" in the family courts is very low! I know that from my job as well as from my own personal situation.
My young children come back dirty, not fed properly, to some degree emotionally abused. He also moved in with a new woman and didn't tell me, the children told me first after they had stayed. Also not keeping to medical advise etc etc This is all on top of him constantly not putting the children first. But do the courts care, no because there are no safeguarding concerned mentioned by the authorities and his parenting is not up for question as we both have parental responsibility.