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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you cut ties with someone after finding out they were having an affair?

67 replies

Pancakespancakes · 06/07/2018 10:40

Recently found out my ‘single’ friend has been with a married man for over 4 years. Now find her a repulsive and manipulative liar and don’t want anything to do with her. Would this bother you?

OP posts:

diedyediedye · 06/07/2018 10:44

No it's nothing to do with you what goes on her personal life. You don't know what crap this man has fed her. If you don't like her choices then take a step back.

Silentnighttwo · 06/07/2018 10:46

Yes it would TBH.

Trinity66 · 06/07/2018 10:48

It would bother me yeah and I'd find it very hard not to be really judgmental about it

SoddingUnicorns · 06/07/2018 10:49

Yes, when I discovered that my friend was cheating on her husband (he was also my friend)

Original poster

Pancakespancakes · 06/07/2018 10:56

die You’re completely right it is nothing to do with me. But it goes against my morals and after knowing this I cannot think she is the person I thought she was before I knew. Therefore it is my problem and I have chosen to distance myself. Seems others would agree too.

OP posts:

cherubpie · 06/07/2018 11:07

I had a friend who was seeing a married man. I tried to see it as none of my business, even when she would use me by asking me to meet her at the pub and I'd arrive to find him there too. However when she got pregnant to him and his wife found out, she would complain to me constantly about how the wife wasn't very nice to her and swore at her when she saw her at the supermarket.
I lost patience completely and the friendship died. She is still with the creep man now but I have no respect for her.
So no, IMO yanbu.

Viviennemary · 06/07/2018 11:12

I would disapprove of somebody having long term affair. It seems worse than a short fling somehow. But I don't think I'd break contact with them.

MinnieMul7 · 06/07/2018 11:16

It is a tough one. My friend is seeing a married man but it hasnt been as long. I don't approve at all but we do not discuss it and the friendship is still there.

WasFatNowThin · 06/07/2018 11:20

My best mate stood by me when I had a fling whilst married, we're not as close now though, and I totally understand.

MrsSteptoe · 06/07/2018 11:21

I don't think this is something I could answer outright according to internal values. One friend may reveal that she's been seeing a married man for 20 years, and after I've processed the information I may find that I still want to be her friend because - and I am theorising - maybe she comes from a background where she feels she doesn't deserve better or, I dunno, there's some reason that makes me feel more compassion than condemnation. Another may reveal the same information and it may throw a light on other aspects of her personality that I've always been uneasy with and I may decide to move on. Case by case basis, I think.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/07/2018 11:25

No. I had a friend who had an affair with a married man in her twenties. It was sad and awful and he was abusive and horrible. I didn't like her stance on the situation but our friendship is so much more than that. I put my personal feelings to one side and supported her through it and eventually helped her see that it was wrong and toxic and she ended it. Had I deserted her she would not have come to that conclusion any quicker and in fact would probably have spiralled down even more. I have friends who do many things I don't agree with or have beliefs that I don't share, but it's not what our friendship is founded on. There are certain deal breakers for me - racism and homophobia would be two - but affairs are not one.

reallybadidea · 06/07/2018 11:26

I was shocked when I found out about my friend being in a very similar situation and yes, I judged her. But then I realised that life is complicated and that I couldn't be sure that I would act differently in the same situation. I stopped judging her, she's my friend for many other reasons and I care about her immensely.

dogzdinner · 06/07/2018 11:32

I would if she was married and having an affair. In this instance, I would want to know more about the situation, is she being manipulated by this man?

BobbinThreadbare123 · 06/07/2018 11:32

I had a friend who cheated on his girlfriend who is a friend of mine. I dropped him like a hot brick. Repugnant fellow. I then started to think about his behaviour and realised he was a shit.

diddlemethis · 06/07/2018 11:45

You are absolutely allowed to have your own ethical and moral conscious and code, and to not want to be pals with someone who does things you don't like.

Also, my experience has been that the people who said before that they don't judge, absolutely do when it's happening to THEM!

HuckfromScandal · 06/07/2018 11:52

Well, it makes you a bit of a bitch, and she is probably way better off without you in her life, so go right ahead!

Trinity66 · 06/07/2018 11:53

Well, it makes you a bit of a bitch, and she is probably way better off without you in her life, so go right ahead!

It really doesn't

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/07/2018 11:55

Well, it makes you a bit of a bitch, and she is probably way better off without you in her life, so go right ahead!

Bit extreme. Also, OP was asking others if a friend having an affair would bother them, not for opinions on how she reacted.

MissP103 · 06/07/2018 12:05

I hate that line trotted out about it's none of your business. Theres plenty of immoral stuff that most people wont put up with yet this is ok . I would be disgusted frankly, tell her so and cut ties.

AuntieStella · 06/07/2018 12:06

I think it would change my opinion of someone.

If I liked them, I'd still socialise with them (can't regulate the morals of the whole world). But I wouldn't trust them, so they would slide towards being acquaintance not friend.

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 06/07/2018 12:14

I think "repulsive and manipulative liar" is a bit strong for someone who is supposed to be your friend.

I'd find it more worrying that this man was having an affair for four years but didn't think he should leave his wife.

Your friend probably needs your support rather than your judgement, but you can't help the way you feel.

SpiritedLondon · 06/07/2018 12:18

I wouldn’t stop being friends with someone under these circumstances no.

Robin233 · 06/07/2018 12:28

It does kinda of spoil things.
What wife would want this person any where near their husbands. She's already proved anything goes lol.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 06/07/2018 12:38

Goes against my morals too but wouldn't end a friendship over it.

mogratpineapple · 06/07/2018 13:28

Tough one. I would follow what my gut tells me. I have had lots of 'friendly' colleagues tell me about their affairs with married folk and I have tended to just listen. People who tell me they go hunting, on the other hand, I drop them like a stone.

My sister had an affair with a married with kids footballer, and I proper shouted at her because I thought it was awful. She had an affair a few years later with another married man with a family but denied it to me, although it was true. We are still close.

If being around your friend makes you feel bad, then I suggest you cut ties. Doesn't make you judgy, it's simply not a situation you're comfortable with.

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