Would you cut ties with someone after finding out they were having an affair?

[Pancakespancakes]

Recently found out my ‘single’ friend has been with a married man for over 4 years. Now find her a repulsive and manipulative liar and don’t want anything to do with her. Would this bother you?

I did. It was different circumstances because she was married. Her marriage had been unhappy for years but she wouldn't leave it. Although, I didn't like her husband much, I felt sorry for him in the end. And she was using me as her alibi, which meant that actually, she couldn't spend real time with me because it would be 'weird' as he thought she'd already seen me more than she usually would anyway.

She also introduced me to her OM at a work event.

I didn't stop being friends, I just didn't put any effort into the friendship and it petered out. I don't know if I judged her harshly, I just didn't agree with her life anymore. I would have found it hard to spend time with her and not tell her what I thought. So rather than fall out, I let it go.

I would drop her as a friend, and I'd tell her the reason why.

Why do people think it is ok to cause harm to others?

A single person who knowingly has an affair who a married person is complicit in the damage caused to the innocent party.

I think society as a whole is partly to blame for affairs, as everyone trots out the old "oh it's not my business" or "we shouldn't judge" line.

Well it's not your business if someone is a rapist or murderer then. It "doesn't affect you" and is "their own business". I doubt you'd want to be friends with them though.

*with a married person

Yes It would bother me and I’d probably reduce or stop contcact (unless there were some extenuating circumstances ).

Because it would bother me if my husband had an affair.

I think I would have a problem with this. Four years is a long time. I would certainly feel that perhaps she’s not the friend I know...you don’t accidentally end up the OW in a four year affair.
I’d probably distance myself a bit

I don't know whether I would cut ties but it would certainly make me see the person in a less favourable way.

As a child of a parent who had an affair I am judgmental but with good reason

I wouldn’t. One of my closest friends has had multiple affairs with married men . She is from Paris and it actually seems quite normal within her friendship group. I just feel really sorry for her as she must have terrible self esteem and I support her to examine why she doesn’t feel as if she deserves a man who is only hers . I trust my husband around her as he is a really open and honest person and I would get plenty of warning if he was going to stray. I wouldn’t trust her around anyone else’s husband though.

A friend of mine was seeing a married man, both the man and his wife acquaintances of mine too.

They kept it a secret so I didn't actually find out until it all imploded and wife found out and friend ended it and actually moved away a few miles to another town. It was village gossip for a week or so.

One of our friends cut my friend off, but I took the view that as long as I was frank with her, -and I was very, very frank, and she took everything on board that people said to her (don't think she will ever do something like that again), then we were able to salvage our friendship. She knew she'd been an utterly selfish shitbag. People make mistakes.

I don't judge people so I'd stay friends with her

Its not your business op. You don't sound like a good person for her to be friends with any way.

And she was using me as her alibi

I would have serious issue with that.

Having been both raped and cheated on, I'm afraid for me the two just aren't comparable and I know which I'd choose every time! The two are very different crimes. I get the point of the illustration but for me, life isn't that black and white. For me there is a moral scale and cheating isn't near rape and murder. I in no way condone it and wouldn't do it myself, but I didn't drop my friend when she was in an affair because our relationship was more than just that aspect. As I said in my post, it was a horrible situation all round and she needed my support. She is out the other side, grown up, realises how awful it was and we are still close friends.

I had a friend who slept with married men - I hated it but just changed the subject whenever it came up.

It wasn't until she launched into a rant about how the man she was sleeping with's wife was 'perfectly happy' and it was harmless, how he got what he needed from her then went back to being a good husband with the smug superior look that I realised she didn't like the men themselves, she liked the one-up-man-ship, feeling desired and 'forbidden fruit'-ish while the wife was clueless.

I asked her if she would sleep with my DP and think it was harmless and she didn't really have any answer. We've drifted apart.

When my friend cheated on her partner I saw her in a completely different light and realised she wasn’t the person I thought she was. God knows how her husband felt!

I think cheating is one of the most selfish, entitled and hurtful things you can do to someone you supposedly love, Even worse if you have a family. If you aren’t happy end the relationship, grieve the loss of your marriage/relationship then move on.

I’m still speak to my friend occasionally but we are by no means ‘best triends’ anymore. I told her how I felt about her actions, other friends and family have also distanced themselves from her too. She appears to have a new life with new friends now, again another sign that cheaters discard the ones they supposedly love with relative ease.

In answer to your question OP, if you don’t like what she’s done, distance yourself from her and take time to see how you feel about her and what she did.

I have four very close female friends (separately, we're not a group). Each of them are lovely women whose friendship I greatly value. If any of them were doing something I found morally difficult I'd want to understand their perspective and if possible support them. I love them unconditionally, without judgement, so whilst I might find it difficult to adjust to knowing something about them that maybe undermines their very good characters I don't think I'd ever shun them or find that I couldn't reconcile their actions with the person I thought I knew. If that makes sense.

It depends entirely on the situation. If she didn't know he was married or if he had been lying or manipulating her 'I'm going to leave my wife' etc I would probably feel sorry for her. If it was someone with low self esteem, naive or had fallen completely in love.

If I felt my friend was the scheming, manipulative one then yes I would sever ties.

It definitely depends on the friend's attitude. I think the smug outlook could make me question things. I can only go on the experience I have though and the situation was very different.

I'd absolutely get rid. Same as any friend doing immoral crap like stealing, rapists, child molesters, drug addict, etc. I don't need people like that in my life.

@AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen

I didn't say that cheating is the same as rape.

The point I was making is that I find it disgraceful how many people say that when a friend commits an immoral act, it is "none of their business".

It makes me wonder what other morally reprehensible acts they would condone. Kicking a pet? Beating their spouse?

That type of "I'm alright jack" attitude is appalling.

My sister (married) had an affair with a married man. It has changed how I feel about her but she is my sister and she and her family will be in my life forever so I won’t cut ties. Her husband had stayed with her and they are making a go of it so if he can get over it I can.

I had a friend who started seeing an married older colleague who had a young daughter and as someone with three young DC who was married at the time, I found it impossible not to judge. I was disparaging of both her and him. He did eventually leave the wife for her and they’re still together three years later but our friendship died.

Dljlr you sound like a wonderful friend and you put it better than I could. Life is complicated. I would try not to judge.

Basic, there is a difference between "condemning the act" and "condemning the person". Don't you ever make mistakes?

A friend of mine, married female, recently had a short affair with a single guy. It's non of my business so I supported her as far as I could. She ended it in the end but it doesn't seem to have had any major consequences

Depends- but an affair of 4 years- yes I would get rid. I don’t need immoral, liars in my life

And another friend of mine got together with a married man who ended up leaving his wife and children.

I'm starting to think it's quite common in my circle

No, I have done stupid things and so have my friends. I like to be supportive (although would gently voice disapproval.

I have been the OW, so perhaps that alters my view. But I also saw a good friend end a marriage for bo good reason (and bitterly regret it). I supported her-didn’t judge.

You don’t have to agree with everything your friends do or think. I’m even friends with a bloody socialist