Would you cut ties with someone after finding out they were having an affair?

[Pancakespancakes]

Recently found out my ‘single’ friend has been with a married man for over 4 years. Now find her a repulsive and manipulative liar and don’t want anything to do with her. Would this bother you?

I would find it hard to stay friends. It's important to have shared values and loyalty is really important to me. Plus I have some really good friends who've been cheated on and I know how devastating that was for them. Married men are off limits.

@cingolimama

"Basic, there is a difference between "condemning the act" and "condemning the person". Don't you ever make mistakes?"

I will happily condemn a person that wilfully and continually causes harm to others.

Of course I have made mistakes, but I have never knowingly caused harm to another person.

Trouble with affairs is that once a person is in the habit of lying to their partner, they will also get in the habit of lying to their friends.

My friends 7 year affair recently came to light and in the mess that unravelled its clear that she has been lying to all of us. And even as it was uncovered she was telling different stories to different people which then caused more arguments in our friendship group.

Still, none of us initially dropped her but over the last few months friendships have petered out because she hasn't tried to make amends or build up trust again.

I now feel relieved to be out of her inner circle. I don't know how to relate to people who lie to me.

I did, but like the PP it wasn’t because of the affair but because she was using me as an alibi. I could deal with the affair as I felt it was wrong of me to judge and no one truly understands other people’s relations . But when it got to the point where she was inviting him to events and presenting him as a pal of mine, I had to step away from her as she had effectively forced me to lie on her behalf. Her husband is a lovely man and didn’t deserve the level of deceit.

I have mixed feelings on this.

My mother was someone’s mistress and when she died, it was messy. I tend to balk at the deceit involved as a result.

Another friend of mine revealed she was into sex parties behind her hubbies back. My thoughts on this did change because other close female friends of ours didn’t know and I distanced myself as it felt uncomfortable. Not truly because of her DH though I felt awful for him, but more to do with other close friends not knowing and her presenting a big fat lie of a happy marriage.

Other friends have had flings with married men and I’ve supported them through the turmoil. Only in one case was there a happy ending.

So OP, based on her being your friend for so long, and you not knowing until now, I would feel exactly as you do in that she’s devious and manipulative. If you’re close, surely that would have been brought up before now? It makes you not trust a person and I hear you.

Its is about morality though and I choose my friends based on this. I would not trust someone who could do that to another woman. Or a man who could.

I don't think there are any excuses for someone to carry on an affair once they know the other side is married. I don't think there are any excuses where both sides are married either. Its the lying and cheating that's the deal breaker for me.

I don't look at this from rose tinted glasses, but even abject abuse is not a reason, to cheat as you need to leave one relationship before starting another.

The only caveat to this in my mind are truly open relationships.

I expect it's more common than we realise. It would depend on a few things tbh, including length of time. A short thoughtless fling would be more understandable than a four year affair. And whether they were at least attempting to end it or being gleeful about the deceit and deluded about harm being done.

I cut ties with a friend who was cheating on her DH. More than the affair itself...It was when she introduced het OM to a single friend in front of her DH... in the guise of setting them up.

I felt that was cruel and manipulative...making a total fool of him...and he still doesn't know.

The OM later told single friend he was in love with my friend and it was all an act to throw her DH off balance.

I just can't see her on the same light any more.

I personally wouldn't end a friendship with a good friend over this, no.

Life is complicated. My view is that these things generally don't happen for no reason. We never know what goes on behind closed doors and I would definitely not ruin a friendship over it I would try and support my friend who let's be honest must not be in the best place to be in this situation in the first place.
Maybe there are people out there who have affair after affair with little regard for others feelings but my experience is that things are really not that black and white.
If you care about someone you care about them warts and all and should accept that we are all human and sometimes make mistakes.

Goes against my morals, she may not be breaking any wedding vows but she's helping someone break theirs.

I don't think I could remain friends with someone who had no qualms in sleeping with someone else's husband.

It's something I would be judgey about definitely

No. We have been in this position and are still friends with the people concerned.

In most cases, with close friends, you’re going to know their DP/DH at some level of acquaintance. Once you know, and don’t say anything, you’re making yourself complicit in the deception.

They’re being dishonest, effectively using their partner for lifestyle/resources whilst not honouring the implicit or explicit promises made in their relationship. They’re exposing their partner to a higher risk of STDs (with potentially life changing consequences) and you’d be condoning all of it.

Perhaps I’m a bit too black and white, having been cheated on by my exW, but I’ve dropped a friend that was cheating on his wife and it would strain even my relationship with my closest friend or a family member. I don’t delude myself that I’m perfect, but there are red lines for me and this is one of them.

She's in a toxic relationship with this man - why doesn't she think she deserves better than this?

Personally I would be supporting, rather than judging, but it depends how deep your friendship is. I'd like to think that my oldest friends are decent people and it would be out of character and I'd be worried for them. With a more casual acquaintance I might feel differently.

No I wouldn't cut ties and I wouldn't judge them massively either. I don't think cheating means you're fundamentally a bad person. It's a bad decision but we all make those.

I think social disapproval is a very important force in moderating human behaviour. I know when I boasted about foolish things when I was younger, my friends disapproving helped me form my moral code.

I recently found out an acquaintance has had a long term OW. I am wondering how I will acknowledge him or not if I see him in the street.