Fell pregnant from someone abroad, any advice?

[EveAlice]

Hi, I've obviously changed my username. I spoke to someone online for 6 months and then decided I'd meet them when volunteering in their country. We got on well and slept together a few times during my time there (6 weeks) and it was all going well. Cutting it quite short, I later found out I'm pregnant. I did tell him as soon as I found out and was greeted with hysteria about how he can't be a dad and obviously I explained how I also never planned to be a mother at this stage in my life. I have all intentions of keeping the baby, I have great family support and will do my absolute best for him/her. I'm currently 12 weeks. He's still messaged and asked how everything is going, but it definitely doesn't feel how it did. I'm really unsure on how this works for parental rights and things like that. Any advice would be super helpful. Thanks.

I don't have any practical advice, but I just want to say congratulations! I know when you have a pregnancy in a situation that's maybe unconventional, people often forget to say that to you, so I just wanted to say - you're having a baby! Yay! Wishing you very happy and healthy pregnancy xx

That's so true. Thank you so much :)

I'd be very careful to ensure you have sole parental rights and custody. This man could simply vanish off with your child, in his own country beyond the jurisdiction of the British police.

A very good friend of mine found herself pg after a holiday fling in Turkey
As she was in her late 30s she decided to have the baby with the support of her close family and she never told the “father” ( who she didn’t have proper contact details for anyway) her son is 10 now and lovely.
She went into it knowing she Would be a single parent and has never really been in a ltr - she generally prefers women anyway so this was probably her best chance at having a child.
Worked well for her

I would imagine that unless he turns up when you register the baby, he won't have any parental rights.

If he isn't British, he may not even be allowed to stay for any length of time in the country.

Sounds like he doesn't want to be a father so that should keep things simple.

And yes - congratulations.

^unhelpful

I can't find any info online about the legal position of an overseas father and presumably it will depend on where he is from and what sort of reciprocal arrangements exist between that country and yours. There's a bit of info here about child maintenance if one parent lives overseas, but I suspect you'll need specialist legal advice from someone specialising in international family law.

www.cmoptions.org/en/other-arrangements/parent-lives-abroad.asp

Think carefully about whether you want to put his name on the birth certificate. That action gives him parental responsibility, if he wishes to pursue it. Again, I would get legal advice.

So I'll have sole parental rights (rightly) but does this mean I still encourage involvement? Send updates? Keep him updated? Tell our child about him and his life? All these things are currently in the front of my mind. I'm not aborting my baby, I've thought about the situation and great depth and seeked advice from family and friends and keeping him/her is definitely the right thing for me. It's not the best time in my life (still at university) but I went to uni at 20, not 18, so I'm not young, young. I have plans of finishing my degree with family support. Maybe I won't be able to, I'm unsure. I just know that abortion isn't something I want.

Thank you for the link. He's from Morocco. Yes, seems the best thing is to leave him off the birth certificate.

Likelihood of it being tough when your a single mum resenting the father for giving you an unwanted child - one hundred percent.
You can still have an abortion up to 24 weeks.

What a horrible message. I know several mums raising kids alone after the 'sperm donors,' (as they call them) left them before the baby was even born. Yes it's tough, but they are great mothers with wonderful kids.

Congratulations op

I Got pregnant on a longer holiday and he Also wanted abortion. I didnt. He visited and i visited- hugely supported by his parents, who loves their grand child. Now my son is almost 15 years. 😍 he hasnt seen his dad in 2 years, grandmother died and neither the dad or granddad keep in touch. Their all on facebook and what not and they all speak english. I cant be bothered anymore . I did my dutie and they Know eachother. We spent 3 times 1-2 week holiday every year until 2- 3 years Ago. The grandmother was huge part of it - me and son lived in their house. But we were/ are ok friends. Not for everybody 🌹 and congratulations 🌹🎈🎉

If you encourage involvement will it lead to visitation? I wouldn't like my child being taken off to a foreign country by his father, especially if I barely knew the man and didn't know his family. Not least because I'd worry that his father wouldn't bring him back. I'd be inclined to leave the father out of it and keep my child safely in the UK.

Think carefully about whether you want to put his name on the birth certificate

She can't put him on the BC unless he's present and signs as they arent married.

Im from different European country and my sons father is British. He never had any rights. Dont Know if it is different in other countries.

So I'll have sole parental rights (rightly) but does this mean I still encourage involvement? Send updates? Keep him updated? Tell our child about him and his life?

It is entirely up to you what level of involvement you have with him and AFAIK you don't need to tell him anything at all from now on. As for the DC, again it's entirely up to you what you tell.

You, as the DM, will have parental responsibility and unless he is married to you or his name is put on the birth cert then he will not have parental responsibility. Since he lives in a non-EU country I don't know if he'd even be able to get a visa to visit, so I'm sure he'd struggle to pursue you for any kind of access.

Do. It even discuss the birth certificate with him. Don't put his name on - and if you don't tell him he's unlikely to know the ins and outs anyway so won't be able to turn up (visa being an issue too assuming he's not one of the "elite").

I'd be inclined to take him on his word. He doesn't want to be a father and he knows you're going to have his baby. It's not up to you to keep him up to date, keep in touch with him. If he wants to know he'll ask. He knows how to get in touch with you. You cannot facilitate fatherhood for him, it's something he has to actively choose, if indeed he changes his mind. But still don't put him on the birth certificate. He's - visas aside - allowed any contact you allow with the child one day. If he's signed as a parent then you'll have to get permission from him for lots of things that will impact your life for the next 18 years. You had a fling, you didn't sign up to have him control your life.

Focus on yourself, surrounding yourself with the people who truly care about you. Focus on your pregnancy. Do things like organise photoshoot of your belly, sleep a lot etc. Make this a pleasurable time for you. Don't spend it thinking about someone else. He's missing out and it's not your job to ease that.

And be aware that you are probably better off without him in the picture. Even if he's the most incredible guy, there's a cultural background - that it sounds like you're not from - that will view you, and likely your child, badly.

Also don't tell him the exact due date. If you have then if it ever comes up point out it could be two weeks on either side, or be vague. Whatever emotions he'll be going through, even if it's indifference, keep a barrier between you and him, for protection.

It sounds like a pretty casual relationship so you don't have any obligation to him whatsoever. Your focus needs to be on you and your child.

He won't be on the birth certificate unless he goes with you to register the birth, therefore he won't have PR.

I was a single mum from being 6 weeks pregnant. I won't lie to you, it is the hardest thing I have ever done and there have been times when I've wondered if I did the right thing... it is really extraordinarily lonely sometimes, especially the baby days. But it gets easier.... PM me if you wish.

KTCakes what a vile message.

I would leave him off the birth cert and let the contact dwindle tbh. He didn't want to know, so... And I'd be very concerned about him possibly trying to take the child as already mentioned.

KTCakes horrible post . Why would you even say that?

Congratulations OP. Fate is a funny thing isnt it. Maybe take some legal advice but id be inclined to drop contact with this guy and hope he goes away.

TBH what KT has said is true. Chances of him supporting you are low and being a single mum would be tough.

Being a mum is tough a lot of the time...so being a single mum is no easy ride.

I don't know about resenting him for it though. It's really not his fault you're pregnant.

Termination is an individual choice.

FFS SandyY2K she's already said she doesn't want to have an abortion!

What AQuickWee said wth bells on

And Congratulations!!