Fell pregnant from someone abroad, any advice?

[EveAlice]

Hi, I've obviously changed my username. I spoke to someone online for 6 months and then decided I'd meet them when volunteering in their country. We got on well and slept together a few times during my time there (6 weeks) and it was all going well. Cutting it quite short, I later found out I'm pregnant. I did tell him as soon as I found out and was greeted with hysteria about how he can't be a dad and obviously I explained how I also never planned to be a mother at this stage in my life. I have all intentions of keeping the baby, I have great family support and will do my absolute best for him/her. I'm currently 12 weeks. He's still messaged and asked how everything is going, but it definitely doesn't feel how it did. I'm really unsure on how this works for parental rights and things like that. Any advice would be super helpful. Thanks.

I don't think Morocco is part of the Hague Convention so you'd potentially be on a very sticky wicket should dad take him to his country.

If the dad is from an Arab culture they view things very differently to the brits eg they tend to see the child as belonging to their family (very patriarchal society), the mother purely incidental. The chastity of especially young women in Arab cultures is paramount and, sadly, British/European women are seen as very promiscuous and censured for it. The fact you 'casually' had sex with him proves (to them) you have no morals blah blah. But if you've worked there you know all this.

I really would keep him at arm's length iiwy - or at least be very careful. Of course you tell your child about him and his culture bcs this is their right to know all about their heritage.

Congratulations BTW 👶

Incidentally, you've had all the STI tests, yes?

Maybe try and keep contact details for the dad so that if and when your DC wants to know more about their father, they can (this is based on me watching Long Lost Families so feel free to ignore!).

I was also going to ask about sti tests

Are you being serious? Not his fault? Did you do biology at school?

That was to sandy2k

Unless he's physically present when you register the birth, he can't go on the birth certificate in the UK. (If you aren't married). It's not even an option, so don't be concerned about it. Your sole name on the birth certificate, your parental rights. Probably for the best, as you don't want to risk him changing his mind about being a Dad and maybe wrangling over visitation rights in future. Congrats!

It's really not his fault you're pregnant

Really?! How did she get pregnant then? By magic?

Hi Eve,

This happened to me. I had had 6 dates over the space of 3 months with DDs Dad, and was on the pill.

I got pregnant, he freaked out and I then found out he had a long term girlfriend.

He blocked my number and social sites.. I could still WhatsApp for some reason and sent him a photo of her when she was born plus her name and weight.

I’ve heard nothing. I did feel differently about this though when DD was born. I was much more worried during pregnancy as it’s all the unknown.

Now she’s here I think she’s worth more than someone who doesn’t appreciate how amazing she is, and grateful that we don’t have to deal with all the complications that can occur in this scenario. She’s 100% in my care, all decisions and safety are mine to make...

It wasn’t what I wanted to have a child without a father but it did happen and DD is the most precious, amazing thing to have ever happened to me. She’s so happy, flourishing and we will deal with the absent father issue when it comes up which it will. It’s just part of our lives now and I’ll do my best to be positive about it and reassure her that’s she’s wonderful and precious...

Try not to worry, you’ll get some serious “mama” strength when you little one arrives and deal with everything that comes your way...

Exciting times!!

Oh thanks so much for the advice. Has been reassuring mostly to read the responses. The thing is he has expressed huge concern about leaving me as a single parent, he's been crying down the phone saying it's not that he wants to leave me or the baby, it's just he can't be a father/partner right now while he lives with his family (his job was on a 1 year contract) and he's currently unemployed. It's really hard to make the right call, it would be a bit easier maybe if he was more distant and I could just stay away from the contact with him, but he keeps saying how in the future he'd be a great dad and I don't know if he means if this had happened at a later point in his life or if he means when our baby is older (something I definitely don't know if is a good thing or not). I just don't know, we did get on so well, really decent guy if I'm honest, it's just an all around tough situation.

Are you being serious? Not his fault? Did you do biology at school?

Craziness at it's finest.

I meant it's not about fault or laying blame. This is not a fault matter, unless he said he was wearing a condom and secretly slipped it off.

It's a joint responsibility is my point. If it's his fault.. then it's her fault too.

However....the OP is clearly delighted and doesnt seem phased by the prospect of being a single parent, with a father in another continent, who isn't inretested and she's studying too. Very brave indeed for someone so young.

Is that last paragraph sarcasm?

Why is it “right” that he doesn’t get PR?

I know it’s a matter of fact that he won’t get it, unless you choose to put him on the bc or you pursue him for maintenance and he applies for PR on the back of that, but that doesn’t make it “right.”

He’s the parent of this DC too but it sounds like you’re more than prepared to cut your child’s dad out of his life, despite him being “a really decent guy.” Nice.

And Springydaff - nice casual racism / stereotyping. There’s no way he could be anything but a potential child abductor because he comes from an Arab country, eh?

Ok, IME there is a huge difference between crying in the phone saying they want to be a great parent and starting to make arrangements to be one and carry it through for as long as the kid needs it.

It is a short holiday romance and the fact that you are in different countries makes it almost impossible to sort something so he could see his child grow.

I am divorced but have been raising my child fully and absolutely single handedly in a country that is not my own (I couldn’t take my son back home and I don’t have he money or the energy to fight in court to allow us the freedom to leave, my son’s dad is totally out of the picture though but has a court order that prevents me from leaving).

If I were in your position, I would try to enjoy as much as possible this pregnancy, assuming that it is very unlikely he will stay in the picture for long. No need for dramas during your pregnancy, it is not good for the baby and you cannot do anything anyway.

With regards to parental responsibility. I find it to hear so many people always advising not to put him in the birth certificate as if with that you can keep the child to yourself. This is totally outdated advice. In these days of DNA testing, the only thing that you or atthe dad need to do is request a DNA test and If positive, they will get parental responsibility whether you like it or not, unless the dad presents a very clear and imminent potential that he might hurt the children.

Whatever you do, don’t take the child to visit dad in his own country, if he has a court process in place about the kid, you might not be allowed to leave with the.: kid.

3456 - if you are familiar with this kind of culture, which I am, you will recognise what I'm saying. It's a hard thing to say but accurate nonetheless.

Op - sti tests?

Realistically he'd have to move to England, or you'd have to move to Morocco to make him being a father relevant. It sounds like that isn't going to happen. So for your own sake I would let his contact go on the back burner. By all means keep him updated now and then, but I wouldn't be trying to foster a deep relationship, or let him cry down the phone too often. Your focus needs to be you and the baby now. Accept that he is not really relevant now, and put all your energy into enjoying your pregnancy and all that exciting pre baby preparation. Also, think about what friends and relatives you have that can provide a good male role model. That is going to be far more useful to you than someone in Morocco, however lovely they are.

I think peoples attitude toward the father is rather disgusting tbh and I'm picking up some racist overtones.

He can't go on BC because he won't be there but beyond that I'd facilitate the relationship as much as the father wanted. It is his child too.

you could still stay in touch with the father informally and keep him off the birth cert. that way there could be some contact later on in life for the child if you desire it.

Yes, you should facilitate a relationship with the father, but shouldn’t bend yourself backwards to force it. He has to do his part as well. He might be a very good person and possibly a very responsible father, so keep the door open for him but don’t make up for what he does not do.

At this time I would say that he should pull himself together as you need support, rather than becoming an extra burden by expecting you to help him with all those feelings and crying. It is you who is pregnant and facing a life of supporting a kid on your own, you have the lion’s share of the responsibility and he is expecting support from you? Don’t judge him, let him be shocked but concentrate on yourself, you need to put that baby and yourself first.

Is that last paragraph sarcasm?

No it's not.

I would have been shit scared in your position ... having a baby and you might not see the father again....but you seem to have it under control.

At least he hasn't just stopped messaging you and disappeared. Maybe he'll think differently later on.

Is he quite young as well?

The child has a right to know its father. Worrying that so many are saying forget the dad, the baby's all yours. Yes it simplifies things for you if you cut ties, but if this man wants to be part of his child's life then he has every right to be. He may lose interest, but then at least you'll know you tried to do the right thing.

Your last post paints him in a rather more favourable light OP and if you want to keep in touch, tell him how the pregnancy is going, tell him when the baby is born, send him photos, etc, it really is up to you. It sounds like you still really like him and if you want your DC to know its DF, that's fine. At some point s/he will want to know anyway, so if the DF has always been a presence, albeit a long-distance one, then I'm sure your DC will benefit from having that knowledge of their heritage. Personally though I wouldn't take the DC to Morocco, even if the DF begs and pleads and cries down the phone. His intentions may well be entirely honourable, but I just wouldn't do it. IMO it would be too greater risk. So if he wants to be involved, fine, contact, Skype, helping you out financially, all good. But I wouldn't take the DC to visit him - it's just too potentially risky.

He has been crying down the phone - He is unemployed, lives in another country and he was ok to have a relationship with you, but not man enough to deal with the consequences. He may be a lovely person, but he sounds young and from another patriarchal culture. At some point in the future he will probably marry someone local and have a family. Its up to you if you keep the baby, but I would plan for a life of a single parent. I believe if he wants to come to UK he would need holiday visa. To live permanent, you would need to earn over £18k, marry and he would need to pass other criteria like language. I know someone who married a man from a non European country. There is probablyote info on HMRC or Gov.uk website

He CAN'T go on the birth certificate or visit the UK to see the baby.

Realistically the best this child will get from their dad is yearly (?) visits to him/his family if you are willing to facilitate that.

The Moroccan family code is very progressive for a Muslim country and the presumption in law is that children remain with the mother after divorce and fathers should pay maintenance (almost impossible to enforce though). You aren't married, the man has no legal ties to the child in Morocco or the UK so I wouldn't be too averse to promoting some kind of relationship for the child's sake. Children need to know where they come from - but you are going to do the entirety of the parenting role so be prepared.

And congratulations!

The Moroccan family code is very progressive for a Muslim country and the presumption in law is that children remain with the mother

Phew, that's a relief.

I hope you haven't been naive op - he isn't just a boy from another country but a boy from a vastly different culture to yours.

You CANNOT put his name on the birth cert unless you are married or he is present when you register the birth. So you WILL have sole pr from that perspective