Slept with a married man at the weekend - and have been feeling guilty ever since

[geekgirl78]

So I realise that I'm probably going to get a lot of of flak by posting this. But, I met a married man last weekend in my local pub. I didn't know that he was married when we first chatted, but if I'm honest, I did by the time we went home together...,

I'm now feeling awful about the whole thing. I feel as if I've broken my own personal moral code by doing what I did last weekend. What makes it worse is that I really liked him and am fighting the temptation to get back in touch with him (we swapped e-mail addresses). Obviously, I'm not acutally to get back in touch with him because:

i) my father left my mother for 'the other woman' when I was 17, so I've seen the carnage that can occur

ii) I don't want a whole heap of pain in my life

So why do I still feel bad? (Obviously, I've changed my name for this post).

I'm single at the momwnt BTW.

What you did was really bad. Don't make excuses for yourself, or you won't really get over this. Face up to what you did. You knew he was married, and you still slept with him.
Don't think about his guilt, that is his problem. Him being in the wrong does not lessen your guilt.
Guilt is like pain, it tells us that something is wrong. So now you should sit down and really think about this. His wife could be destroyed by what the two of you did.

as cazee said it was both of you. I am the wife who has been totally destoyed by a one night stand... that led into a 6 month full on affair... and this week it has resulted in the breakdown of my marriage.

The ow also knew my dh was married the first time she slept with him.

My blame and anger lies solely towards my dh - he made the promises to me.

But if that girl had one ounce of decency she wouldn't have slept with a married man in the first place.

My baby has just fallen asleep on my lap after crying for 40 minutes for his daddy. Who is not coming back.

You know what you should do.

"So why do I still feel bad?"

Because you know that what you did was wrong.

Change you remail address or block him.

Personally, I am of the opinion that where someone knows the other person is married yet still goes ahead, they are equally to blame but that's my personal moral code.

mylittlestar have not been on much and had no idea that things had changed so much for you, i cant believe whats happened. love to you and ds.

Agree with Hatrick and Soupy.

(lovemybed thank you. there's a GLAM&FAB thread in relationships with the latest updates on. He wants 6 months more to live alone and then get back together. Said his 'heart's not in it right now'. So I've told him where to go!) [hijack over - sorry]

agree with coolmama. you feel bad. you should, tbh. but if you truly accept it was the wrong thing to do you'll give yourself a kick up the arse and get over it. wallowing in it will do no good and maybe even indicates that you want more mileage out of this incident than it deserves. do ervyone a favour a get over it/yourself

mylittlestar.
Thinking of you.
I think your post says it all really.

Just adding in general and not aimed at anyone in particular, that if more people dispensed with the idea that monogamy so utterly important, an awful lot of pain could be spared all round.

you ol tart

dont do it again.

Thanks for the kick up the arse guys. I posted last night whilst a bit pissed, (and probably wallowing in it a bit).

Have deleted e-mail address, and have no intention of getting myself into that situation EVER again.

Lesson learnt..., am off to find the bloke that I deserve, i.e. ALL mine.

I don't think the issues is one of monogomy madamez, I think it's one of trust and decency, respect for other people and the things they hold dear.

I have been the "victim" of an affair (my dh and a work colleague- 3 years ago)Yes the main part of my hurt and anger was to him- he committed to me, he made promises to me and broke them but I also felt anger and disgust to the ow - what had I done to her to deserve her to completly steal into my life and try and take the things that are precious to me- my husband, a father to my children and my peace of mind? How dare she a total stranger treat me like that?

That's how I felt about it and recently I was burgled, do you know the feelings I had to those who came into my house were the same. They hurt me my family took our peace of mind- they took things that were precious to us they completley disregarded my life, my feelings and needs- how dare they, total strangers treat me and my family like this? It's about decency and respect for others.

GG78-good people make mistakes in life, at least you've recognised that and don't want to go there again. I would urge you never to consider it, the pain that goes out from this is so far reaching, you cannot begin to consider the ripples of hurt an affair or even a 1 night stand cause- I know you were not married and the lion share of the blame must go with this married man but surely we all have a responsibility to other people in the world? Would you ever consider breaking into a strangers house and taking their things? I'm guessing you'd be outraged at the thought and yet what is more precious to us, our things or the people in our lives?

The other thing is that if you'd pursued it, 100 to one you'd have ended up hurt too. Been there. Not worth it.

agree with a few of the other messagers re. what you would be like in a yrs time hardly seeing this man only at his convenience etc. and also getting yourself someone who is single and wants a proper relationship.

I would also move on & try an online dating site/lonely hearts column and bin this creeps email address/block sender.

Be positive about your families past and do whats right

Don't beat yourself up. As long as it was a drunken one night stand, you can put it down to bad judgement under the influence of alcohol and forget it. Don't, whatever you do, see him again, though. Then you really will be entering dangerous territory.

Agree with most of the other posters, feel the guilt (it's what makes you human and not a thoughtless bitch) and move on.
If you think about contacting him remember this, one day he may explain himself to his wife with the words "But it didn't mean anything" (And for the record, I loathe that excuse, IMHO that makes it a whole lot worse, you cheating bastard). That sobering thought should be enough to restore some self respect and keep you from making another mistake.

Maturer, but that's exactly what I mean about the monogamy obsession. Another human being is not property. And having sex with different people doesn't have to mean that a person loves their primary partner less.
Absolutely everyone on this thread is making an assumption (with no supporting evidence) that the married man's wife is a poor victim who would be devastated by the idea of him having cheerful uncomplicated sex with another person. She might, for all any of you know, have waved him off on his night out with a cheerful instruction to have fun, use a condom and bring her back a good story in the morning.
Obviously the above is hypothetical because I have no idea of the OP's actual identity or location, let alone who the married man is, but given the desperate misery and anguish attempts to maintain monogamous relationships (or rather, to force other people to maintain them) seem to cause so many people, isn't it really time to think about it some more.

madamez, you need to accept that it is usual to expect monogomy in a marriage. You may have different arrangements, but that is by far the exception, not the rule. Do you read the heartbreaking threads on here written by people struggling after a partner has been unfaithful? Does that give you an insight in to how people normally feel about this? For most of us sex is an expression of a loving relationship, not just a recreational activity.

Cazee: becasue a lot of people do or think something, that doesn't necessarily mean they are right. if monogamy was all that f wonderful, then people wouldn't keep having and wanting sex with people other than their primary partners. My point is that the pursuit of monogamy makes a lot of people unhappy and maybe considering the idea that monogamy doesn't need to be so important might lead to less misery. (oh, and less violence, as well - waaaaay too many people think that not being monogamous justifies physical assault or destruction of property).

He's a rat and you should know better. Buy yourself a book about female solidarity and read it.

madamez, you seem to be on a one woman promiscuity crusade. I, and the vast majority of other posters, see sex as part of a relationship. It is how we express and deepen our love for our partner. It is not the pursuit of monogomy that makes people unhappy, it is the stupid mistakes made by people usually in times of weakness, under the influence of alcohol, in depression, suffering from low self esteem .

Cazee, littlelapin etc. again, just because an opinion is not the majority opinion does not make it wrong. Majority opinion used to hold that women were too featherbrained to vote, take out bank loans or hold responsible jobs. Majority opinion used to hold that slavery was perfectly all right. Majority opinion used to hold that smoking was good for you. Clearly quite a lot of people do not see sex as only desirable if in a committed relationship, and people who do not like or engage in monogamous relationships are not all alcoholics, weak, or depressed. They're people who don't like or engage in monogamous relationships. Would you say that people who do not, for instance, like or want sex at all must be mad or bad?