Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU with Husband working with woman he cheated with?

59 replies

Desperatehousewife18 · 03/07/2018 23:15

So, my Husband cheated with a woman at work two years ago. I caught him out after seeing a message on his phone. This was four weeks after I miscarried at 12 weeks.
My Husband left his job and ceased all contact and we worked on our marriage. Due to being made redundant he became lazy and did not bother searching for a job, and after realising he needed to get back to work he walked out of a new job on the first day, doing the same work, and went back to where he had the affair. I told him I was not comfortable with it before he even spoke to his old boss, but he went ahead and did it anyway. He is now working 8-9 hour days with this woman which is making me very uncomfortable and anxious, and already causing arguments. We are barely speaking. AIBU to feel this way? He admitted that if the roles were reversed he would not let me do it!

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 03/07/2018 23:23

I wouldn't like this either.

Your feelings are important.

I can understand that he wanted to be working, but not at any cost.

Could you talk to him and agree that he look for another job and move jobs asap? If he's inflexible on that then I think you have your answer.

Desperatehousewife18 · 03/07/2018 23:36

I have tried to talk to him but nothing I say seems to register! The only response I get is that I am being unreasonable for feeling this way and he would not do it again. He then gets angry and walks away!
Again, I have explained that by going back and having that close contact and communication it only serves to bring back past hurt.
If he was desperate for a job I could understand, but he walked out of the job he was offered after the Manager made him wait 15 minutes!
It has not even been a week and already we are barely on speaking terms and I have had to ask him not to message me from work because it turns into a row!

OP posts:
Desperatehousewife18 · 03/07/2018 23:37

Sorry, I have asked if he would consider looking for another job and he point blank refused to entertain the idea. Whether it makes me unhappy or not!

OP posts:
Ophelialovescats · 03/07/2018 23:40

Does he actually work on projects with the OW or just in the same company?

SandAndSea · 03/07/2018 23:46

I can only tell you what I think I would do.

I would start writing and making lists.

I would look at what I want from my life and see how this compares to what I've got and whether it's possible to get what I want within the current situation.

I would probably cry a lot but I would start planning for the life I want and I would do this quietly and only tell him when I was confident the time was right for me.

You're not powerless here. You can choose to live a life that pleases you, with people who care how you feel.

FelicityFelicitas · 04/07/2018 00:11

Honestly - I think it’s time to seriously consider your future without him.

Getting over an affair is a huge ask - he has demanded from you that you put your hurt and pain aside and trust him again.

The repayment for that - he gives up a perfectly good job and goes back to where he worked with the OP - despite the pain it causes you.

It doesn’t sound like you are high on his list of priorities.

Make a decision as to whether that’s OK with you.

FelicityFelicitas · 04/07/2018 00:16

And to paraphrase Maya Angelou

When a man shows you who he is, believe him the first time

This man cheated on you whilst you were pregnant / grieving a child.

Chippyway · 04/07/2018 00:41

I would not be happy with this

If he’s serious about your marriage working he’d do whatever it takes to make it work, even if that means getting a new job

springydaff · 04/07/2018 00:46

You poor thing.

He's a shit.

Sisterlove · 04/07/2018 00:56

He's telling you, that you're feelings don't matter, even though he wouldn't let you do it.

I couldn't stay in the marriage after this disrespect.

MistressDeeCee · 04/07/2018 03:43

What Sandandsea said.

Apart from that in your shoes I couldn't bear such a silly, ignorant and insensitive man to touch me. You may end up feeling that way OP.

Don't let him make you ill with worry. Quietly and efficiently empower yourself.

I'm of the belief that there are times we just can't have someone we love. For whatever reason it may be, we have to let go. You go through the fire as it were, and trust 100% that you will come out the other side ok.

Life is short, there's just no time to waste your best years on unkind people. Your H is being extremely unkind here. An unkind man is never, ever a good prospect for a woman.

Barbaro · 04/07/2018 05:53

He's cheating again for sure.

Start finding documents to prove how much money there is and start the process to divorce him. Give him a final ultimatum to pick, you or the job/her. Guaranteed he will pick the job. Then once divorce proceedings are started, while he is out at work, leave all his shit outside, change the locks on the house and ignore him. He can go to her then if she'll even have him which isn't likely.

You deserve so much better than him. He's a waste of space and time.

Shoxfordian · 04/07/2018 05:55

He's probably cheating on you again
Ltb

callywags · 04/07/2018 06:21

Sorry to hear about your loss.

Is there any other reason tying him to this job? Like higher wages etc?
If not I would assume he is cheating again.
Obviously contact with the OW is coming before your needs. I would not be happy with this.
Do you have any other DC?
You deserve way better than this fool

fridayrain · 04/07/2018 06:24

The fact that he has no shame or does not feel uncomfortable about returning to that role tells you all you need. Sounds like he could be cheating again and if not, he's considering it. You shouldn't let anybody make you feel so crap. Your husband should not want you to feel like this.

Bananamanfan · 04/07/2018 06:26

Totally agree with pps; this man doesn't care about you and you deserve better. Flowers

SandyY2K · 04/07/2018 06:51

change the locks on the house and ignore him

Bad advice which could land you in legal trouble.

You can't just change the locks on a jointly owned home, even if he's cheating.

swingofthings · 04/07/2018 06:59

The problem is that he is not talking you , but that could be because you are showing no interest in listening to what he has to say and only one one word out of his mouth and that is that he is leaving the job.

It could be that he missed this place of work very much, not her. Maybe leaving made him realise what he was missing out and starting at this new job was the evidence that he needed of that.

In the end, if he wanted to cheat with her again, surely going back there were you are bound to be much more scrutinising his actions would be a stupid move. You'd be less suspicious of any wrong doing if he'd stayed at the other job.

I suspect its the job that took him back there, not the girl. In the end, if it wasn't a one off mistake that he really is over with, it's not being there again that will stop him cheating or leaving you for her.

Just tell him that since he's made his choice to go back there, he is putting you in a position that means you are going to feel vulnerable and therefore, he needs to accept that at least for some time, he shares everything with you, phone etc...

I think sometimes it makes it even easier to be around someone to realise how much a mistake that were in the first place.

ciderhouserules · 04/07/2018 07:30

OP - to 'get over' the cheating, the cheater has to do everything and anything to help put it right. This means talking about anything that bothers you (the cheated) and at any time, however many times you want to go over it. Brushing it all under the carpet, not talking about it, not putting your mind straight about things - is just going to breed resentment and suspicion.

If he doesn't want to tell you what you need to know, if it is just brushed aside, if he just wants you to STFU, he is ignoring your wishes, and not respecting your processes. If he's saying 'just get on with it', 'let's move on', or ignoring what you want, he is not accepting the hurt HE imposed on you.

This will never work. You need complete open clarity, before YOU can move on. Not him. HE has to do what is necessary for you to start to rebuild trust.

But he isn't. Stop giving him the option. Take control. I'd leave, at least for a while. And see what HE does. I bet he goes back to her. And you will have dodged a bullet. Angry

Desperatehousewife18 · 04/07/2018 08:01

Thank you all so much, and it is reassuring to know that the way this situation has made me feel is not me being unreasonable or mentally insane as it has been suggested!
As it is a bar/restaurant and two buildings there is no real possibility for them to be separated apart from opposite shifts.
He did not like the job which made leaving last time easier and it was him that made the decision to leave as I explained I had a biased opinion.
I wish we could talk but he honestly does not listen to how I am feeling or how miserable this has made me, and I made the tough decision to begin my anti anxiety medication again due to panic attack’s. All he has said is I need to snap out of how I am feeling and the mindset I am in as it is no good for him!!
I do have children aged 16 and 14 and they obviously remember what happened and the hurt it caused. When one Son asked how he was getting on at work he simply said ‘ok’ and walked away!
I think you are all right, I need to start planning ahead. Living like this is affecting my chain of thought and I am miserable. An ultimatum would be him choosing this job, I have no doubt about that in my mind.
When he needs me I am there, when I need him I am on my own. I take care of everything at home anyway so it is not like I rely on him for anything!

OP posts:
pog100 · 04/07/2018 08:08

You know this man isn't being kind to you, and being kind is fundamental to a relationship. It is also clear your life will be nicer without him. Pluck up courage and leave.

OddS0ck · 04/07/2018 08:15

Selfish fucker! Him, obviously.

All he has said is I need to snap out of how I am feeling and the mindset I am in as it is no good for him!

That says all you need to know actually. He is behaving unreasonably and unkindly and it's all about him.

I've been in a similar situation and he was cheating with OW again. I know the hell of constant worry, anxiety, second guessing yourself, being blamed. It is hell and takes a terrible toll on your mental and physical health.

Eventually he left to be with OW, then came back, then left again then was astonished when I wouldn't let him come back. I stood up to all his bullying, intimidation and manipulation and divorced him.

Life is sweet now, OP. It's also bloody short, too short to go through this. He's showing you his priority, him. He wasn't there for you when you were grieving and he's not there for you now, while you struggle.

Ltb.

Desperatehousewife18 · 04/07/2018 08:29

I am so sorry to hear that Oddsock, and I commend how brave you were to not only stand up for yourself but to stand your ground with all that hurt!
My Husband has never been a strong communicator and each time I explain how I feel even via message to try and prevent any awkwardness it is simply ignored. The bottom line is he thinks because a couple of years have passed, and because he promised he would not do it again, I should be over it and able to let him carry on! Metaphorically speaking I used an analogy of an alcoholic working in a bar to explain that it is not going to work and again, nothing!
I may be being selfish here but I made it clear before he started that I was not happy or comfortable. He claimed he would be working in a different area and opposite shifts as all the management are aware of what happened. This is not the case as I have seen his rota and they are working the same shifts. He is not even prepared to swap a shift for our Son’s Birthday next week!
He is not being kind to me I agree, and mentally this is destroying me.

OP posts:
OddS0ck · 04/07/2018 08:52

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, it's a dreadful way to live.

I don't think you are being at all selfish, unlike him. The fact that he is lying about his shifts and is working with this woman again, rings alarm bells.

It is terribly destructive to your health, physically as well as mentally. I hate to think of the long term effects of all the stress I was under.

It's also shocking that your husband isn't even prepared to swap shifts for your son's birthday. Your husband is well and truly putting himself first, probably because he's swept up in the affair bubble.

You really need to look after yourself, this is so damaging. Start making plans for being without him. I thought it would be terrifying, sad and lonely. Not at all. Not having all the worry around my ex was like a burden lifted.

Desperatehousewife18 · 04/07/2018 08:57

Thank you Oddsock, your words are comforting!

I am finding this incredibly hard and it dominates my day to the point I cannot relax or concentrate on a TV show. I find myself avoiding him rather than sit in silence, and since he has been back there there has been no affection whatsoever.
How do I even begin to move forward and make plans to do so? I would not even know where to start!

OP posts: