AIBU with Husband working with woman he cheated with?

[Desperatehousewife18]

So, my Husband cheated with a woman at work two years ago. I caught him out after seeing a message on his phone. This was four weeks after I miscarried at 12 weeks.
My Husband left his job and ceased all contact and we worked on our marriage. Due to being made redundant he became lazy and did not bother searching for a job, and after realising he needed to get back to work he walked out of a new job on the first day, doing the same work, and went back to where he had the affair. I told him I was not comfortable with it before he even spoke to his old boss, but he went ahead and did it anyway. He is now working 8-9 hour days with this woman which is making me very uncomfortable and anxious, and already causing arguments. We are barely speaking. AIBU to feel this way? He admitted that if the roles were reversed he would not let me do it!

It's a bit early so just a few points I noticed.

1. He won't LET you do the same. So he thinks he can control your actions, but you have no right to do the same.
2. He's promised he won't do it again and you're supposed to accept that. Didn't he promise to be faithful when married you? So he broke that promise and you're supposed to believe this one.
3. He has lied and lied. Said he won't be working directly with her...... another lie.
4. He, the source of your anxiety, is belittling that anxiety. Bloody cheek.

I'll tell you what to get over: him!

At best he is a horribly selfish and unempathic manchild who has cheated. At worst he is a horribly selfish and unempathic manchild who is cheating again.

I agree with what you have said!
When he first mentioned it I did get upset and said it was not something I would be happy with, and as much as I appreciated he needed to get back to work, there are plenty of other jobs out there. I went on to say how I felt it would do more harm than good him going back, and it has. Everything I was uncomfortable with is already happening and I am expected to live with it. Meanwhile, he ‘punishes’ me for feeling that way by either speaking to me like shit or not speaking to me at all!
He has lied about the shifts etc but maintains it is not his fault! In my opinion I think he went back there and when the subject was raised me maintained I was fine. He even had the audacity to try and tell me what she was up to in her life.... which I said not only was I not interested in but proved that what happened is still a topic of conversation.
He does not take my anxiety seriously, and quite honestly I can’t even hear him speak about the place as I never know if what he is saying is true. Whilst I care about him, I have no interest in that place at all!

Where do you start? Ideally you need some space to think, away from him. Easier said than done, I know. It is very hard to think straight when you're in a state of high anxiety. Justified anxiety too, whatever he may say.

I did a lot of things to keep my anxiety under control. Meditation, therapy, I had a thread on MN and got crucial support and advice.

Maybe look at the basics, where would you live, work, income. If that just sends your anxiety sky high, do it in baby steps.

I saw a solicitor long before he left but while we were at the stage you are at now. They gave me valuable advice, totally contrary from the lies he was telling me about my impending destitution! I didn't tell my ex I had seen a solicitor, I kept that to myself while I decided what to do.

Just taking some action and making plans will put you in control of your own life and lessen the fear.

Thank you!
The only space I have is whilst he is at work, which will be tomorrow now! I am sorry for sounding like an absolute mess!
I have no doubt I will remain in the house with the kids, I refuse to uproot them! I have just finished my degree and was due to return to do my Masters, but as the student loan was very low living wise he did not want me to do it, so I would continue with my Education.
Would I be Eligible to receive free legal advice? With a joint account I could not hide using the money, and unlike him I could not lie!
This is really hard, my mind is going a million miles an hour and the feeling of loneliness in my own home is soul destroying. I feel like I am drowning, like I have no voice at all!

Just reading the title my answer would be no you aren't BU absolutely not.

Now I've ready everything else my answer would be LTB.

What fucking planet is he on!

I am so sorry I think I replied to report post instead of reply :’(

What strikes me is you saying that an ultimatum would be him choosing his job.

So thats him choosing old job where his ow works rather than looking for a job elsewhere and saving his marriage after HIS disgusting cheating ways.

There is nothing remotely loving about this relationship anymore. He is showing distaste and reversing that guilt onto you. Its like he is winding you up into a stupor so when he cheats again, 'YOU will be the reason why' he did it. He will say you drove him to it. Im not an expert but someone correct me if im wrong but wouldnt this class as gaslighting?

That should sum it up for you. You deserve so much better. As do your kids. They are young and impressionable. Do not let them think what dh is doing is acceptable and dont let them see that you just allowing it to happen is acceptable either! Show your self worth my love.

It stinks of abuse; him being cold and callous and unwilling to talk at all and doing whatever he wants because theres nothing you can do about it.

Its like leaving a baby to cry it out in their cot...baby is helpless and will just learn how to be quiet eventually

But you my dear are NOT a baby. Get up and get out. And seek as much help and support as you can.

Regarding free legal advice. I had a free hour consultation with my first solicitor and an hour and a half with my next. First one became ill, so I had to change.

While he is at work tomorrow, ring around family solicitors in your area.

You really don't need to apologise for "sounding like an absolute mess" as you put it. You don't sound a mess for a start. You sound unhappy and anxious which is totally understandable. You'll be surprised how soon you start feeling better once you begin taking action.

Talking on my support thread was a life saver for me. Even at 3 in the morning there was someone up and ready to chat.

Completely unacceptable and disrespectful what he's done.

All the bar/restaurants there are, but that one is the only one he can work at. what a load of shite.

Others have given great advice of getting your ducks in a row.

There was a good thread on here recently of a woman who was 'getting her ducks in a row'. She hired storage and was squirreling things away in there over time, preparing for her dh's departure. Or, maybe you have a friend who could store some things for you?

I'm guessing you will need copies of salary slips, bank accounts, mortgage statement, bills, pensions, any large or significant payments... Can you get any evidence of the cheating? Phone records?

Start paying for things in cash so he can't track you.

Think about buying gift cards/memberships and Christmas presents now.

See a solicitor.

You could also get advice from the women's centre.

A friend of mine has recently ended her abusive relationship after years of anxiety, depression and IBS. I've never seen her so happy and her IBS has cleared up!

Take all your energy and direct it positively.

Hide your passport etc. (In case he's tempted to take it.)

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement! It really does help knowing that contrary to his belief I am not being unreasonable to feel or think this way!
The baby analogy was perfect!
He probably would blame me if he done it again, he blames me for everything! He sees how I am feeling as me not trusting him and not for what it is, that somehow he is trying to make me happy by working again!
Mentally this has done me, my Mother in law is no help and told him I need to get over it! I am literally alone in my feelings and thoughts.
Today, on a day off before he starts five days straight back at work, he is glued to his phone and barely spoke two words to me. Not even having the decency to look at me or ask if I would like a tea when he is making one for himself!
I will start calling round Solicitors tomorrow, I am gutted that all the fears I expressed a little under two weeks ago are now a harsh reality! :-(

SandandSea my IBS disappeared too, after nearly 20 years of it. As soon as the divorce was done, so was my IBS.

It is crazy how this type of behaviour effects people! I have lost two stone since Christmas purely through stress!
I deal with all the paperwork and bills etc so he would not even know where my pasaport was! As for phone records he was sneaky and only sent a couple of texts as his phone contract is in my name, so he used WhatsApp!
He has gone out now after another row as I refused to make him some toast! I am rolling between being angry and on the verge of tears each minute I am near him! All the time wondering what happened to the man I met and married!

Mine turned totally cold and unengaged. No affection, no recognition of me as a person. Just loads of blame, gaslighting and screaming rages in my face.

It was a relief when he was gone for good. He was astonished when I took control and divorced him. He thought he could do what he liked.

Your husband's behaviour is so transparent. Git.

I am so sorry you had to live like that, and your bravery to divorce him is inspirational!
If you don’t mind me asking, how did you cope with the disengagement and silent treatment? It leaves my stomach a nervous wreck and I am afraid to speak for fear of another row!

Thanks for your kind words. I didn't feel brave at the time, I often had to take it one step at a time. Looking back I'm proud of myself for surviving him.

When I was being given the silent treatment and disengagement, I felt very, very hurt. I tried to talk to him about it but he would erupt in rage, deny things and blame me and my unreasonableness.

A good therapist helped. I had someone to talk it through with who was a voice of sanity in all this emotional chaos. I recognise not everyone could afford that, for lots of my life I couldn't.

Once I recognised my husband was being abusive, and cheating, Gas-lighting, lying, getting you to doubt your own thoughts, withdrawing, is abusive, I trained myself to detach.

Again it was a step at a time, but the more I observed his behaviour the better I could cope. It still hurt like hell and I had nightmares about this time for several years.

But it released me from reacting to his manipulations.

So, MN, a therapist and slowly detaching from his carry on. He'd detached from the marriage a year or more before I was able to. There were some good online sites too, but I can't remember them now.

Chump Lady was good.

And don't blame yourself. You didn't drive him to cheat. Cheater's Script: You made me do it, you didn't give me enough attention, you got older, blah blah. Chances are he's had his head turned by this woman and is now justifying his behaviour,.

If he wants to leave the marriage, he should just do so. Not put you through this destructive mind-fuck first.

Don't let him treat you like this. You are worth more. See a solicitor and serve him with divorce papers.

What a shit pig he is.
I bet all your anxiety disappears with him!

If he is creating arguments so he can storm out, he definitely has somewhere/one to storm off to. He's not just stomping around. He's got somewhere he would rather be.
Time to get angry and get your ducks in a row. Stop tell him how you feel, he doesn't give a shit and nothing you say will make him suddenly understand the damage he is doing because he already knows, he just doesn't care.

Oh how awful. I totally get where you are. I've been there, heavily pregnant on top. The complete disregard for your feelings and your anxiety is just plain awful and I agree with others, it will destroy you if you don't put a stop to it.

Similar to oddsocks, I also saw a solicitor at that point so I knew where I stood. In my case, it turned out that he was so horrible and detached because the affair was in full swing. I suspect your H never stopped the affair. Do you know anyone where he works you could casually meet for a coffee? you might find out more info about what's going on.

Other than that, I would suggest for you to get therapy, and to start the divorce process (behind his back, until he gets the letter). Can you kick him out? That way, you can get some peace of mind ...the anxiety won't subside completely, but a big chunk will go.

Sorry for the late reply, when he is around he looks over my shoulder to see who I am talking to, and as he does not like me talking about my or our problems to anyone he would go nuts if he knew I posted on here!
Odd socks - you should feel so proud of what you achieved living in these circumstances as they are horrendous!
I am a shadow of my former self and it has been noticed by the few people I see now and again. More so the weight loss.
I have done a self referral today for counselling which is a few weeks wait, she reassured me that I was not going mentally insane and had every right to feel the way I do, not only because of the situation now but his treatment of me in general.
Tomorrow I will call round solicitor’s For an appointment to see where the Kids and I stand.
As for kicking him out, I have done that twice in the last four months and each time he is terribly sorry and full of empty promises. Things change for a few days and then he is back to his delightful self. I have noticed the only time he is affectionate and nice is when he wants sex, and quite honestly I do not want him near me. As much as I hate him working with her, the way he makes me feel when he is at home is even worse, even more so as he over compensates by being really nice and chatty to the kids, ignoring me in the process.
The best way to kick him out would be to leave his things on the doorstep for when he gets home from work and make sure the kids and I are not here!

I wish he would leave, it would make this a lot easier. However, he maintains he loves me and never wants to lose me! His actions speak otherwise!

You've kicked in out twice. Third times the charm! Do it again; he'll leave easily because he'll assume you'll take him back again. And then you just don't. Job done!

Thank you thingsdogetbetter - that is the first time I have laughed in days! :-)